There was an eerie mist shrouding the church on the morning of baby Gracie’s funeral, almost as if the clouds themselves had come down to earth. Noah had barely slept a wink and in the end, he’d stopped even trying. Instead, he’d gone downstairs and tried again to find the right words to say at the service, but everything he came up with sounded hollow and trite. Pablo had curled up and fallen asleep on his feet, after finally growing tired of waiting to be shown the attention he craved.
Nicole and James were about to face one of the hardest things anyone could go through and Noah knew there was nothing he could do to make that any better. He just hoped that he wasn’t going to make it any worse.
James seemed to be coping, but Nicole looked like she was gradually fading away. James had confided that he was having to remind her to eat, and the hollowed-out shadows that were still under her eyes served as a clear indicator that she was struggling to get much in the way of sleep too.
‘I’m praying that the funeral will be the start of the healing process for Nic.’
James had spent at least an hour in the church on the eve of the funeral and he’d called in to the vicarage before heading home. ‘I’ve got faith that there’s a plan for us and that, however hard losing Gracie is, something good can still come from it. But Nicole’s struggling with the fact that there are no easy answers to this.’
‘I think that’s entirely understandable.’ It was all Noah could do not to tell James that he was with Nicole on this. ‘And I don’t think it’s helpful to try and find any meaning in such a tragic situation. You just need to let her grieve.’
‘I have got a tendency to try and fix things.’ James had sighed heavily.
‘Some things can’t be fixed and even time might not be the great healer that everyone says it is, but grief is something that you can learn to live with.’
‘It sounds like you’re speaking from experience?’ James’s eyes had met his and he hadn’t been able to do anything other than nod.
‘It wasn’t the same thing; it was a friend, but I felt guilty because I felt like I’d let him down. The more people tried to tell me that it wasn’t my fault, the more I struggled. And having my father say it was God’s will…’ Noah shook his head. ‘That was the last thing I wanted to hear.’
‘I know that’s still hurting Nicole more than anything, questioning whether there was anything else she could have done. I’ve tried to reassure her a hundred times, but you’re right, she seems to be getting more and more convinced that she could have done something, instead of starting to accept that she couldn’t.’
‘Would she speak to someone else, do you think? Someone who’s an expert on helping people through their grief?’
‘The hospital referred her to Sands, the Stillborn and Neonatal Death Society, who’ve got specialist counselling services, but the only person she’s spoken to at all is Izzy. I think it’s because the baby was as real to Izzy as it was to us. Izzy spoke about the baby like she was a real person from the first appointment Nicole had with her.’
‘Oh, James I wish I could say something to really help.’ Noah had put a hand on the other man’s shoulder.
‘It’s good to be able to talk to someone who can understand why this hasn’t shaken my faith. Almost everyone else seems to think I should be questioning it, but if anything, it’s made me more certain than ever.’
‘I hope that’s giving you some comfort.’ Noah had needed to fight to keep his voice level and he’d felt like more of a fraud than ever. But what good would confessing his doubts to James have done? Now he was going to need to stand up in front of Gracie’s heartbroken family and her parents’ closest friends, and try and maintain the pretence that he still held the same certainty as James that God had a role in all of this.
‘Are you okay?’ Noah touched Izzy’s hand so briefly that it would have been almost impossible for anyone else to notice, but it meant a lot to her and she would have done anything to be able to grip his hand and hold on through the next few hours. Nicole and James had requested that no one wear black. In anticipation of her arrival, baby Gracie had been bought a whole wardrobe full of outfits in primrose yellow, white, and the apricot colour of the Grace rosebush, and her parents had asked anyone attending the service to pick one of those colours to wear. As a result, it looked more like a summer wedding than a funeral, as people streamed into the church.
Ella had come along with Dan, and she’d taken Izzy to one side to reassure her yet again that none of this was her fault. Gracie’s post-mortem had come back and her stillbirth had been caused by an acute failure of the umbilical cord, meaning that the baby’s blood flow was suddenly and drastically compromised. Even if Nicole had acted immediately, or Izzy had physically forced her to get checked over, things would almost certainly have turned out the way they had. Izzy just hoped Nicole would be comforted by the news, because as tortured as Izzy felt by the ‘what ifs’, she couldn’t even begin to imagine what Nicole was going through.
But it was Noah who really understood how Izzy was feeling. Watching him walk to the front of the church, she gripped the order of service. No one would ever have known from looking at him how hard he was finding this. He stopped to say something to an older couple in the first row, who Izzy assumed were Gracie’s grandparents, and the woman put her arms around Noah and hugged him.
The chatter in the church stopped instantly as James and Nicole came inside. He was carrying a tiny cream-coloured woven coffin, which looked almost like a Moses basket. Tears were streaming down Nicole’s face, but she nor James was making a sound and the rest of the congregation remained completely silent until they reached the front of the church.
Setting the coffin down amongst a sea of flowers, James stepped up to the pulpit, as Nicole’s father wrapped his arm around her shoulders and helped her to her seat.
‘I thought we’d all be in this church together welcoming Gracie into St Jude’s for the first time, when we were celebrating her christening.’ James glanced towards the coffin, the sound of him swallowing audible in the silence. ‘I’d never imagined something like this would happen; I wouldn’t have been able to bear it, because I couldn’t believe I’d be able to survive it, or that I’d want to.’
A single sob punctuated James’s words and Izzy gripped the order of service even tighter as tears filled her eyes.
‘I didn’t think Nicole and I would have the strength to carry on, and yet the kindness and love of all of those around us have enveloped us and held us up. Someone told me that grief is the love that has nowhere to go, but our love and grief for Gracie has so many places to go, because of the love that surrounds us both. Our family and friends, the staff at the hospital who showed Nicole and Gracie so much care, and our midwife, Izzy, who held Nicole’s hand through the hardest day of our lives and whose actions ensured we had a lasting memory – the sound of our daughter’s heartbeat – and proof, in case we should ever doubt it, that she was here. It is this love that is Gracie’s legacy and that will continue to hold us up through the tough weeks and years ahead. As it says in Corinthians: Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends. Just as our love for Gracie, the love of those who surround us, and the love of God for us and for Gracie will never end.’
Izzy was trying not to make any sound as the tears flowed faster still. James was being so strong and his ability to reach out and thank others, still seeing all the good there was at the worst time of his life, was incredible. James hugged Noah as he stepped down from the pulpit and then Noah said the words she knew were coming.
‘James and Nicole are an amazing couple, I think all of us here know that, and James also mentioned someone else who has shown just how incredible they are. They wanted Izzy to give a reading today because, as their midwife, she got to know Gracie too. So I’ll hand over to her now.’
Izzy’s legs were trembling as she made her way to the front of the church and Noah squeezed her hand again as she reached him. Turning to face the congregation, she concentrated on her breathing. She’d promised James and Nicole she would do this and she was determined not to let them down.
‘As Noah said, I was lucky enough to get to know Nicole, James and baby Gracie during our appointments together and I’ve never known a baby who was more loved. I witnessed her kicks and heard her heart beating and she was perfect. I think the reading James and Nicole have asked me to share is perfect too, so here it is:
Time for me to go now, I won’t say goodbye,
Look for me in rainbows, way up in the sky.
In the morning sunrise, when all the world is new.
Just look for me and love me, as you know that I loved you.
In the evening sunset, when all the world is through,
Just look for me and love me and I’ll be close to you.’
Somehow she made it through the reading and Noah held her for a moment, before releasing her and nodding. It was his turn to step up and she slipped back into the pew next to Ella and Dan just as he started to speak.
‘I’m sure that James and Izzy’s words could not have failed to touch you and everyone here knows how long Nicole and James had waited for Gracie to join their family. Even though Gracie couldn’t stay, she’s as much a part of that family as she ever would have been and I urge you to say her name as you would the name of any other child in your circle of friends and family. Gracie is their much-loved daughter and nothing can change that.’ Noah managed to keep his tone level and for a moment his eyes met Izzy’s. ‘Many of you may be asking why this had to happen to a family who were so full of love for their child and be seeking an explanation that helps you make sense of it all. I wish I could say something that does that for you, but sometimes there are no easy answers. When I was trying to find words worthy of how much love Nicole and James had for Gracie, that was impossible too, but the words of Helen Keller were the closest I could find: “The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart.” We may not be able to see Gracie or hold her in our arms the way we should have done, but every single one of us here can hold James and Nicole’s daughter in our hearts; that’s where she will live.’
Ella reached out and squeezed Izzy’s hand, and when Izzy turned to look at her, there were silent tears rolling down her cheeks too. As midwives they’d both experienced losses before, but this felt much more personal. In a community like Port Agnes, lives were entwined in a way they wouldn’t be in a bigger place and people became close friends much more quickly than they might do otherwise.
‘Finding God’s words at this moment was even more of challenge.’ As Noah spoke, Izzy could tell how much he was struggling, but as the vicar he’d be expected to try and provide comfort in a reading from the bible. ‘James has already spoken about love and, whatever our individual beliefs, that’s a message we can all hold on to. There’s a verse in Samuel about the death of David’s son that also seems to fit here: “I shall go to him, but he cannot return to me.” Although nothing can bring Gracie back to us, each step Nicole and James, and everyone who loves their family, take along the path brings us closer to Gracie and the day their family will be complete again.’
Izzy was facing a loss that she couldn’t bear to acknowledge most of the time either, but what Noah had said had somehow already made that easier to bear. Nothing was forever and each day she and Pops had to live without Nonna, took them closer to being with her again. Whatever you believed in, even if that was nothing at all, the words still held true. Noah had found a way to offer comfort, but still stay true to who he was and the doubts he was wrestling with, without in any way lessening what James and Nicole believed. Noah was gradually creeping into her heart and as terrifying as that was for someone who’d only ever really been able to trust her grandparents, Izzy couldn’t seem to stop it happening.
By the time Gracie’s service was over, the morning mists had cleared and the weather was everything an August day should be. Trestle tables had been set up in the gazebo outside the vicarage and it was looking more like a wedding or summer fete than ever as people stood in groups, holding plates of food and chatting.
‘Do you think this is strange?’ Nicole had suddenly appeared at Izzy’s side. ‘It’s just that I never got to throw Gracie a party – she didn’t even get as far as her christening. So I wanted her to have one day where we all celebrated her.’
‘It’s beautiful and so was the service.’ Izzy hugged Nicole; for someone who was almost at full-term only a few weeks before, she was incredibly thin. Izzy could feel how bony she was, even through her clothes.
‘I just need to get through today and then I’m hoping I can be more like James and feel like there’s still some way to go forward. I’ve been in limbo since we lost Gracie and having to wait so long for the funeral because of all the tests was hard, but at least the results mean I’m not blaming myself every second of every day now.’ Nicole gave a shuddering sigh. ‘I listen to her heartbeat every night, otherwise I can’t even try to sleep. I’ll never move on from this, because I don’t want to leave Gracie behind, but I do want to keep going forward.’
‘It’s really early days yet and you only need to go forward at a pace that suits you.’ Izzy could see Ella and Dan out of the corner of her eye. They’d gone to get some drinks for the three of them, but they were hanging back now, not wanting to barge into the middle of her conversation with Nicole.
‘I just wish I had something left of her. They gave me her hand and footprints at the hospital and her wristbands, but they couldn’t get a lock of hair. She was absolutely bald.’ Nicole managed a small smile. ‘Mum said I was bald until I was more than two as well, so I think she would have been like me. I know it’s stupid, but to not even have that part of her physically with me breaks my heart all over again.’
‘You have got something.’ Izzy hesitated for a moment, desperately trying to work out whether what she was about to say could upset Nicole even more, but she had to take the chance. ‘When you carry a child like you carried Gracie, some of the baby’s cells cross over to you and those cells can even help the healing process for any damage inside your body. They’ve been found in the system of mothers decades after their babies have been born, and one of the places those cells often go is the heart.’
‘Is that really true?’ Nicole furrowed her brow and Izzy shot a look at Ella, inclining her head to indicate for her to come over.
‘That’s what the research shows, isn’t it Ella? That the baby’s cells transfer over to the mother and vice versa.’
‘Uh huh and because of that, a baby’s cells can sometimes transfer to future siblings when they are in utero.’ Ella nodded to emphasise her words. ‘The link between a mother and her child goes way beyond what anyone can see.’
‘So she’s literally in my heart.’ Nicole put a hand on her chest, smiling properly for the first time, and it was like a light had been switched on behind her eyes too. ‘Thank you so much for telling me that. Knowing there’s a part of her still inside me helps more than you’ll ever know.’
‘I won’t ever forget Gracie, I promise.’ Izzy swallowed hard, as her eyes blurred with tears.
‘I know you won’t and that means so much to me too. I definitely want to catch up with you again later. I really wanted to do something to mark that she was here, although I’ve got no idea what yet. But I need to tell James what you’ve just said because I know it will help him too. Thank you for everything, not just this, but for everything you did for us and Gracie.’
‘It was my honour.’ Izzy words were muffled, as Nicole hugged her again. She already felt less fragile than she had before.
Ella turned to Izzy, as Nicole hurried over towards her husband. ‘That was amazing.’
‘Well, I’m crying.’ Dan shook his head. ‘I always knew the job you two do is incredible, but that was beyond belief. It was like watching Nicole transform into someone else right before my eyes. You gave her something she thought she’d lost forever.’
‘I think Ella talking about a part of Gracie being with future siblings too really helped.’ Izzy wiped a hand across her eyes. ‘But I know they struggled with the funds for IVF before and I just wish there was something we could do to help with that, if they decide they want to try again. I’d really like to help Nicole with her idea of finding a lasting memorial for Gracie too.’
‘I’ve got a feeling you’ll think of something to help.’ Ella smiled. ‘And you know we’ll all be on board with anything you come up with.’
‘You can count me in too.’ Dan mirrored his fiancée’s smile. ‘And the whole community in Port Agnes has a history of being really good at getting behind those sorts of things. All we need is an idea.’
‘I’ll have a chat with Noah later and see if he can come up with anything.’ Izzy looked over to where he was standing, deep in conversation with James and Nicole. He’d want to do everything he could to help his friends, even if he’d left St Jude’s by the time they could start working on any plan they came up with. She still wasn’t ready to think about him leaving though; that was a reality she’d have to face up to when the time came.
Izzy lifted up a pile of plates from the end of one of the trestle tables. Baby Gracie’s wake had been really emotional and Nicole had clearly been exhausted after a couple of hours. Once she and James had left, most of the other mourners had quickly drifted away. Ella, Dan and Izzy had offered to help Noah clear up, but when Jess had called to say that they needed an extra pair of hands at the unit to support two women in advanced labour, Ella had volunteered to go.
Izzy didn’t think Ella had any idea there was something going on between her and Noah, especially given the fact that there barely was, but she’d been pretty insistent that she should be the one to step in at the unit all the same and Izzy hadn’t wanted to argue.
‘Thanks for helping with this.’ Noah took the plates from her as she came into the kitchen of the vicarage.
‘It’s no problem. It was really nice that you opened up your garden for Nicole and James.’
‘The garden belongs to the church, but there’s nothing I wouldn’t have done to try and make this a tiny bit easier for them.’ Noah shook his head. ‘I still can’t believe how composed James was and how certain he still is about everything after going through something like this.’
‘Like you said, they’re amazing. I was really worried about Nicole, but even though she was worn out today, she seemed a lot stronger than the last time I saw her.’
‘A lot of that is down to you. When she came over to tell James what you’d said to her, about the possibility she was carrying some of Gracie’s cells in her heart, I saw her smile for the first time since they lost her. It was something she really needed to hear.’
‘I think your words helped her more than you know too.’ Izzy was standing a few feet away from him and the urge to reach out and touch him was almost overwhelming. He might just have been stacking plates in a dishwasher, but there was something intimate about standing alone together in his kitchen, doing the kind of day-to-day stuff that couples did.
‘I wanted to believe the words I chose, but I know James needed to hear something that fitted with his certainty about his faith too. It’s obvious that’s what makes this bearable for him.’
‘You chose exactly the right thing to say. Your words make Nonna’s situation somehow more bearable for me too. I still hope it’s going to be a very long time before I have to say goodbye to her, but thinking that each day after that is one less day that I’ll be without her really helps.’
‘I’m glad, but I wish more than anything that you didn’t have to go through that.’ Noah took her hand and it was like a jolt of electricity passed through her body. She liked him far more than was sensible when their lives were heading in such different directions, but there seemed to be less and less she could do about it.
‘Nonna and Pops are making the most of every moment and I’ve just got to try and live by their example. They’ve gone back to Redruth tonight, to tell some of their friends about the wedding blessing. They’re even planning a stag and hen do! I don’t want to miss out on enjoying a moment of that because of what might be coming.’
Noah touched the side of her face and another jolt of electricity made her skin tingle. ‘I think that’s a good plan and I need to follow that rule too. There’s so much I love about being in Port Agnes and I’m not making the most of any of that because I’m spending all my time thinking about what I should do next. I don’t want to do that any more.’
‘So, what are you going to do instead?’ She might have wanted him to promise he was staying after all, but she could barely admit that to herself, let alone Noah.
‘I thought I could start with this.’ Closing the gap between them, he lowered his head, pressing his lips against hers, as her hands circled his waist and her body leant into his.
‘That was a pretty good starting point.’ Izzy smiled as she eventually pulled away, her body still arching towards his, as if it had a mind of its own. But Noah had a serious look on his face.
‘I might be on board with seizing the moment and being with you while I can, but this has got to be at your pace and I need to be honest about the likelihood of me sticking around.’ She could feel his breath on her skin as he spoke and it was all she could do not to throw herself at him there and then. It had been so long since she’d even dated anyone, and she’d never got as close to someone so quickly. The things she and Noah had confided in each other, because of what they were going through, had created a level of intimacy that years of dating probably couldn’t achieve. If they only had a few weeks left, then things couldn’t move anywhere near quickly enough for Izzy.
‘Right now there’s nowhere else I’d rather be. I know you’re leaving soon, so you can’t make any promises, but neither can I, because I need to be wherever Nonna and Pops want to be. That makes us pretty well-matched and like you said, today is all that really matters right now.’
‘Are you sure?’
‘Absolutely.’ Izzy leant into him again. She’d stopped herself getting close to anyone for years but Noah had been so honest with her, she knew things about him that no one else did and he had been completely upfront about how this was going to end, before it even began. If she couldn’t let her guard down for someone like that, then she never would. It was now or never in so many ways and for once in her life, she was just going to go for it.