It’s time to tackle negative inside chatter — those misguided thoughts that can easily turn into perceptions that then all too easily turn into dangerous realities. And realities based on runaway feelings rather than truth always lead to one thing—insecurity.
You are not liked.
Who are you to think you could do that?
Why did you say that? Everyone thinks you’re annoying.
Your kids just illustrated every inadequacy you have as a mom.
You are invisible.
Have you ever been taunted by thoughts like these? I have. Why do we let such destructive words fall hard on our souls? Toxic thoughts are so dangerous because they leave no room for truth to flourish. And lies are what reign in the absence of truth.
The other day I was discussing something with my husband and I said, “I know you think I’m being annoying and overly protective about this, but …”
Art stopped me and said, “How do you know that’s what I’m thinking? Please don’t hold me liable for saying things that are really only thoughts in your mind.”
Wow. His challenge stopped me dead in my tracks. Somewhere in our relationship, something had set off negative inside chatter that said, “Lysa, he thinks you’re annoying.” Because I didn’t call that thought into question right away, I gave it free rein to turn into a perception. That perception then became the filter through which I processed future conversations we had. I started conversation-hunting for more and more evidence that would prove he thought I was annoying. As I built layer upon layer of these skewed confirmations, the thought “I’m annoying” became my reality. But it wasn’t reality. It was a wrong thought turned into a wrong perception that became a false reality.
Art was so right to stop our conversation and untangle my statement. He hadn’t said those things. I assumed he was thinking them and I operated as if those toxic thoughts were coming from him. Bless his heart.
I think we girls do this way too often. All these toxic thoughts collect and ratchet up the negativity inside. The more ratcheted up this negativity gets, the closer we are to an explosion (spewing) or an implosion (stuffing). Whether we spew or stuff, our anxiety level skyrockets, affecting not only our minds but our souls and bodies as well. Want to know how?
I’m about to quote some research findings that are crucial to add here, especially for those of us who are interested in physiology and how God designed our bodies. It’s complicated stuff, so don’t get lost in the midst; just hang on for a few lines while I share what some really smart people are saying about some really amazing stuff.
When we take in information in our body and activate an attitude — a state of mind—it influences our reaction to life. The then-activated attitude—positive or negative — is transmitted from the thalamus (which is like the air traffic controller for all the thoughts in our brain) down to the hypothalamus.8
The hypothalamus, an organ roughly the size of an almond, is a mini chemical factory in our brains where our thought-building processes happen. Signaled by the larger (egg-sized) thalamus to prepare a response to our thoughts, the hypothalamus determines the type and quantity of chemicals released into the body, thus greatly impacting how we function emotionally and intellectually.9
For instance, if you are anxious or worried about something, the hypothalamus responds to this anxiety with a flurry of stress chemicals. These chemicals engage the pituitary gland—the master gland of the endocrine system. The endocrine system in turn secretes hormones responsible for organizing trillions of cells in your body to deal with impending threats. Negative thoughts shift your endocrine system to focus on protection and limit your ability to think with wisdom or to develop healthy thoughts.
On the other hand, if you change your attitude and determine to apply God’s excellent advice not to worry, the hypothalamus prompts the secretion of chemicals that facilitate feelings of peace, and the rest of the brain responds by secreting the correct “formula” of neurotransmitters that facilitate clear thinking.10
In short, God designed our bodies to respond to our thoughts. Negative thoughts lead to a crisis response—activating us physically but hindering our thinking. Positive thoughts allow us to process a situation accurately and respond in a healthy way.
This truth challenges me to hold my thoughts to a higher standard. How dare these runaway thoughts be allowed to wreak mental and physical havoc! How dare they simply parade about as if they are true, feeding our anxieties, and manipulating us into feeling insecure, inadequate, and misunderstood! Oh how much trouble we invite into our lives based on misguided assumptions.
Because God made our bodies — and all the emotions, hormones, and chemical responses they contain—His Word provides wisdom on how to manage it all. Here is a key piece of wisdom written by the apostle Paul:
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Whatever you have learned or received or heard from me, or seen in me — put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with you. (Philippians 4:6 – 9)
You’ve probably read this passage before. But have you thought of applying it to your thoughts in light of all we’ve just learned about the science of how our minds work? God knew all along how important it is to guard against anxiety by planting our hearts on thankfulness and inviting His power into our lives. His peace is not just a spiritual blessing, but a physical one as well. Interesting, isn’t it?
We are to think about, ponder, and park our minds on constructive thoughts, not destructive thoughts. Thoughts that build us up, not tear us down. Thoughts that breathe life into us, not suck life from us. Thoughts that lead to peace, not anxiety.
So, here are three questions we can use to hold our runaway thoughts, assumptions, and misperceptions in check. We’d do well to ask them of ourselves when thoughts we assume others are thinking drag us down.
People aren’t thinking about us nearly as much as we might think they are. And even if they really are thinking something negative about us, we can deal with it once we know the truth. When we assume something about another person’s thoughts, that’s unfair to the person and unnecessarily damaging to ourselves. Instead of staying anxious, we need to seek out truth by asking the person for clarification and asking God to help us process what we hear in the right way.
Philippians 4:6 invites us to choose prayer over worry in every situation. Instead of allowing our thoughts to overtake us, whether in assumptions or despair, we can ask God to shine His truth into our situation: Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
The more we read God’s truths and let truth fill our minds, the less time we’ll spend contemplating untruths. Thinking runaway, worrisome thoughts is just an invitation to anxiety. Thinking on truth wraps our minds in a peace that rises above our circumstances. Remember what science reveals: When we feel anxious, those “negative thoughts shift your body’s focus to protection and reduce your ability to process and think with wisdom or grow healthy thoughts.”
If we want truth to guard our hearts and minds, we have to immerse ourselves in truth. We do that by opening God’s Word and letting God’s Word open us. That’s how we are made new in the attitude of our minds.
Philippians 4:7 holds a promise for us when we turn to God and allow His truth to fill us — our hearts are protected by peace: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.
Finally, if some situations or relationships feed our insecurities, maybe we need to take a break from them for a season.
I was in the grocery store once when I ran into one of those insecurity-feeding friends. She asked if I would be attending the school’s fundraiser that weekend. I told her I’d be contributing, but I had a speaking engagement and wouldn’t be at the actual event.
Her response shot out like a dagger straight to my heart: “I don’t know how you leave your kids like you do. I could never do that.”
I quietly pretended as if I needed to rearrange the contents of my cart in order to avoid eye contact while she finished unloading her opinion. I could have said, “I’d love for you to help me understand what you just said,” and then given an assured, non-emotional, Jesus-has-settled-this-issue-in-my-heart answer. Instead, I ended the conversation as quickly as possible, cut short my shopping trip, headed to the car, and cried. I questioned whether or not I was a good mom. I doubted my judgment about missing the school fundraiser. I held up my imperfections to the seemingly perfect daily performance of my accuser and felt woefully inadequate in comparison.
I later tried to talk to this friend about what she’d said. But it became painfully obvious that she could not support my decision to do ministry outside the home. And eventually, after getting stung by several other hurtful comments, I discerned that our relationship was as bothersome to her as it had become to me. We had to agree to disagree and eventually the friendship faded away. The friendship was not characterized by honor, encouragement, and love. Therefore, it wasn’t good for either of us.
My initial reaction in the store almost started a domino effect of condemnation. Instead I chose to think about what God had already revealed to me as His will for this time in my life. I didn’t need her approval on my obedience. Only God’s. This, per the teaching of Philippians 4:8, is where I parked my mind: Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.
If honor, encouragement, and love are the characteristics of the friendships I want in my life, I need to foster these qualities in my relationships. One way to do this relates to the matter of inside chatter.
We engage in inside chatter when we hyper-analyze a conversation after the fact. The back-and-forth in our heads sounds something like this:
When I said this, she probably thought that.
Now she probably thinks this.
Maybe I should say something to fix it, but then she might think I’m a crazy overanalyzer.
Oh good grief, why did I say that?
If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then throw your hands in the air and praise God right now that you don’t struggle with the demon of inside chatter. But if you do know what I’m talking about, exhale with relief that you’re not alone.
Now that you’ve exhaled, let’s inhale a new possibility. The possibility that we can foster the honor, encouragement, and love we desire by giving our friends permission to quiet their inside chatter. What does that look like? It might be just a quick phone call to say, “When you and I have had a conversation, you don’t ever have to worry about how I’ll analyze everything later. I’m not thinking you’re crazy or high-maintenance or wacky, okay? I love you. And if I need clarification about something, I’ll just call and process it with you.” What a gift a phone call like this would be to a friend who has been driving herself crazy over a conversation the two of you had recently!
Inside chatter is such a crazy thing. Last week, I had a funny conversation with a friend. We were having coffee when she admitted she’d been having inside chatter about something she’d said to me on the phone the night before. She went to bed kicking herself for saying something she felt was dumb and was certain I thought she was a bit wacky.
I absolutely didn’t go to bed thinking she was the least bit wacky. Quite the opposite. I went to bed thinking she is one of the cutest, nicest people I know.
Friendships are like plowed open fields ready for growth. What we plant is what will grow. If we plant seeds of reassurance, blessing, and love, we reap a great harvest of security. Of course, if we plant seeds of backbiting, questioning, and doubt, we reap a great harvest of insecurity.
Indeed, today is a great day to call a friend and say, “I love you. That’s all I’m thinking. Period.”
I’ve discovered that the more love and joy I pour into others, the more I experience in my own life. But I have that overflowing joy—that super-abundant joy—only when I focus on God’s truth and His Word. Psalm 126:2 – 3 would make a lovely lead song for the soundtrack of our lives:
Our mouths were filled with laughter, our tongues with songs of joy. Then it was said among the nations, “The LORD has done great things for them.” The LORD has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy.
Not that everything is always peachy. Good gracious! I know this is tough stuff. I know these issues can be more complicated than three simple questions. But holding our thoughts accountable is a good place to start.
Addressing the issue of inside chatter will lead us to freedom. Not just freedom from negative things like doubt and insecurities, confusion and suspicion. But freedom to pour out love on others. Freedom to think clearly. Freedom to obey God’s call on our lives no matter what others think. Our thoughts really matter.
After all, how a woman thinks is often how she lives.
I think we need to read that one again, don’t you? How a woman thinks is often how she lives. May we think on and live out truth, and only truth, today.