BONNIE RUBBED HER sleep-ridden eyes. She’d had trouble sleeping after last night’s events. Freya had only woken up to go to the toilet and been a little disorientated. Once Bonnie had cuddled her back into bed she’d fallen asleep instantly.
But Bonnie’s head had been spinning. She’d been shocked by Jacob earlier. But she’d also known there had to be a reason behind it. A deep-seated reason. And that was why she’d given him the tiniest bit of leeway.
Now she understood. It didn’t excuse his actions, but she knew exactly how sorry he was—it had been written over every inch of his face. And when he’d shared about his mother she couldn’t help but cry.
Her thoughts immediately went to Freya. She couldn’t stand the thought of something happening to her and Freya being left alone. Who would love her the way she did? Certainly not her father. Something prickled down her spine. If anything ever happened to her, Freya would automatically go to her father. What kind of life would she have with him? The kind of life that Jacob had endured as a child?
Her skin tingled as Jacob entered her thoughts. Who was she kidding? Had she just made the biggest mistake of her life?
Jacob had opened up to her. But there was still so much she didn’t know about him—even though they were living under one roof. Maybe she was just being paranoid. But after living with an unfaithful, feckless husband, she wanted to go into any new relationship with her eyes wide open.
She’d been hurt. Freya had been hurt. She’d no intention of ever going down that road again. Self-preservation was a must. Even if any thought of him made her heart pitter-patter faster.
‘Can we have breakfast, Mummy?’ The little voice cut through her thoughts.
She turned and smiled at her little girl. She was blessed: Freya woke up each day in a good mood. She reached over and gave Bonnie a hug. ‘I like it when you’re in my bed, Mummy.’
She hugged back. ‘I like it too. But it’s only on special occasions. Now, what do you want for breakfast?’
‘Toast and jam.’
‘I think I can do that. Let’s go to the toilet and wash our face and hands first.’
As they reached the top of the stairs she bent down to pick Freya up. It was just instinct—she’d done it most mornings since they’d got there. Freya wasn’t used to stairs and Bonnie was always worried that she’d trip if she was still sleepy.
As she gathered Freya in her arms she realised something was a little off. It took her the first few steps to realise what it was. The red and green garland was wound back around the banister.
A smile started to edge around her lips. She kept walking. Now she could hear, and smell, activity in the kitchen. Someone was cooking bacon and singing while they cooked.
As she reached the bottom of the stairs the twinkling lights from the front room attracted her like a magnet. She walked back into the front room.
Everything was back exactly where it should be. ‘Look, Freya,’ she whispered.
The tree lights were twinkling, the branches redecorated with tinsel and baubles. The nativity scene was back on the side table. The red and green garland for the mantelpiece was back in place. She’d no idea how he’d managed to patch it together—but she didn’t really care.
The fact was, he’d done it.
‘Mummy, our tree’s back up,’ said Freya. A smile had lit up her face. ‘Does Jacob like it now?’
Bonnie nodded slowly. ‘I think he must.’ She couldn’t stop smiling. He’d revealed part of himself last night but now he’d obviously made the decision to try and move on.
The house felt full of warmth. It was so much nicer with the Christmas decorations up; it felt much more like a home, rather than just a house.
She carried Freya through to the kitchen. Jacob was putting a pot of tea on the kitchen table. ‘Oh, you’re up, good.’ His eyes skirted over to Freya; he looked wary. ‘I’ve made breakfast. Sit down.’
Freya stared at the plate of bacon as Bonnie put her in one of the chairs. ‘I don’t want bacon. I want toast and jam.’
Jacob smiled at her. ‘I thought you might say that.’ He produced a toast rack stacked full of toast and a jar of jam.
Bonnie smiled as she sat down. Freya reached over and grabbed a slice of toast. ‘Can you butter this, Mummy?’ Her eyes fixed on Jacob again. ‘I like that the tree’s back. I like the lights.’
A second of hesitation passed over Jacob’s face before he pulled out a chair and sat down next to Freya. ‘I do too. I think it was a good idea to get a tree for the house. Thank you very much. I’m sorry if I seemed angry last night. I was just a little surprised.’
Bonnie held her breath as she handed over the buttered toast to Freya and opened the jar of jam. She wasn’t entirely sure how Freya would respond.
But Freya just shrugged. ‘Can we watch cartoons today?’
It was that simple for a five-year-old. No stomach churning. No fretting. She just accepted what he said and was happy that the tree was back up.
Jacob and Freya continued to chat over breakfast. Today, it seemed, was going to be a quiet day in the house.
Jacob seemed more at ease. Maybe he was just getting used to having people in his house—or maybe talking about his mother last night had helped him a little.
She certainly hoped so.
It was so strange to see Freya chatting away with him. Even when they’d lived with her husband, breakfast had usually been their time together. Robert had rarely appeared at the breakfast table. And last night’s events seemed to have been quickly forgotten.
They laughed together and something twisted inside her. She wasn’t quite sure what it was. Fear? Envy? Confusion?
Jacob seemed comfortable this morning—but was she? She’d kissed him last night. If Freya hadn’t interrupted it might have become a whole lot more. Bonnie didn’t usually act on impulse—not when it came to men. But things with Jacob last night had just seemed so natural. So heated.
It made her want to catch her breath.
This was a new job. A new city. A new life.
Just how much change was she ready for?
* * *
Jacob felt as if he’d been holding his breath since last night. Ever since he’d kissed Bonnie and realised exactly the effect she had on him.
Part of him was sorry. Now he would always know exactly what he was missing. Part of him wasn’t the least bit sorry. It had been a long time since he’d felt a connection to someone. The fact that Bonnie was a mother hadn’t even entered his head.
If you’d asked him a few years ago if he’d ever have a relationship with someone who had children he would have said an overwhelming no. But he’d have been wrong. With the exception of last night, he’d liked being around Freya. It was surprising him—just as much as it was probably surprising Bonnie and Freya.
He’d noticed the way people were looking at him at work. For the last ten days he’d felt differently. He’d felt lighter. This morning he practically felt so light he could float away. The only thing that was still anchoring him to the ground was his test results.
Even if—and he prayed they would be—they were good results, it still wouldn’t change other things for Jacob. The cancer would always lurk in the background, always a possibility of a recurrence. Always that uncertainty of whether it was familial and he could pass it on. Gene mapping wasn’t quite there yet to give him that answer.
But these last few days at home had felt so much better. Putting up the decorations again last night had given him a lot of thinking time. It was time to put the negative associations that he had with Christmas to bed.
His mother would have hated him being like this. Feeling like this about a season that should be the happiest of times.
The look on Freya and Bonnie’s faces this morning when they realised he’d put the decorations back up had been enough for him. He was sure he’d done the right thing. He’d also done something else. He was still to find out if it was right or not.
He pushed some tickets along the table to Freya. ‘I found out about a little surprise. I was wondering if you and your mum would like to come.’
Freya stared down at the tickets. The words were obviously too complicated for a five-year-old, but the pictures told a good story. She pointed. ‘Is that Rudolph? Can we go and see Rudolph?’
Jacob looked up at Bonnie. He was feeling hopeful, even though he should probably have run this by her first. She leaned over and spun the tickets around. ‘Today? The Christmas lights, a visit to Santa and a chance to meet the reindeers?’ Surprise and amusement, with a tiny bit of disbelief, mixed through her voice as her eyebrows rose.
He nodded carefully. ‘What do you think? Would you like to go?’
Her face relaxed and she lifted her mug of tea to take a sip. Her voice was quiet. ‘I think that would be lovely. Thank you for thinking of us, Jacob.’
Her gaze met his. She was still thinking about last night.
He’d pulled back. She must be wondering why. Because the air between them still sizzled. It crackled. He still wanted to reach out and touch her cheek, kiss her lips. He just didn’t want to be unfair.
He took a deep breath. ‘I’ll always think about you, Bonnie.’
Silence hung between them. It was probably the wrong thing to say. It almost seemed as if he were finishing something that had never started. Truth was, he didn’t have a clue what he was doing right now. But the implication was clear. Bonnie was affecting him. He did feel something for her—even if he didn’t know what it was.
But those words seemed enough for Bonnie; she gave a little smile and stood up. ‘Come on, Freya, the Christmas lights and Santa visit aren’t until three o’clock this afternoon. Let’s have a lazy morning on the sofa.’
Freya jumped up in agreement and ran out of the kitchen towards the front room, leaving Jacob at the kitchen table, eyes fixed on Bonnie’s backside in her pyjama trousers, trying to keep his thoughts in check.
* * *
‘Is everyone ready?’
They were all practically standing in a line. Winter jackets, scarfs, gloves and wellington boots in place. Freya couldn’t stand still. She had ants in her pants. She didn’t care that the temperature had plummeted again and a mixture of sleet and snow was starting to fall. She just wanted to meet Rudolph.
‘Will I get to sit on his back? Will Donner be there? And Blitzen? Is his nose really red?’
The questions had been never-ending since this morning.
Jacob smiled. ‘I have no idea. This is all new to me.’
Freya frowned. ‘Is it far? Are we going in the car?’
Bonnie shook her head. ‘No. We’re going to walk. That way, we’ll get to have plenty of time to see all the Christmas lights.’
‘Will Fraser from school be going to see Santa too?’
Jacob knelt in front of her. ‘And who might Fraser be?’
Freya tossed her red hair over her shoulder. ‘My friend,’ she said matter-of-factly.
Bonnie suppressed a laugh. ‘Welcome to my world, Jacob. Or rather the world of little girls—a new best friend every day. I just try and keep up.’
Jacob folded his arms across his chest and did his best to look severe. ‘Fraser, eh? Well, if he’s there you’ll need to point him out. I’d like to meet this Fraser.’
Freya giggled. ‘Can I get my picture with Santa?’
Bonnie nodded and bent to straighten Freya’s hat. ‘Yes, it’s all arranged. Now, are you ready?’
She jumped up and down. ‘I’ve been ready for hours, Mum. Let’s go!’
* * *
It was the perfect afternoon. Cold without being too cold. A light dusting of snow everywhere. By three o’clock it was already getting dark.
Freya’s little hand was in Jacob’s. It was surprising how comfortable it felt. How comfortable he felt doing this. Bonnie had a cream woollen hat pulled over her auburn hair and a thick green wool coat. She looked perfect. Like something from a Christmas card.
He swung Freya up into his arms. ‘Come on. Let’s go and visit Santa and the reindeers. It won’t be long until the lights get switched on.’
The prepaid tickets were the godsend. Thank goodness for one of the midwives in the special care unit. She’d mentioned buying the tickets last year and not having to wait in the freezing cold for hours with her young kids.
Freya only had to wait five minutes before she was able to jump on Santa’s knee and tell him what she wanted for Christmas. She counted off things on her finger. ‘I’d like a new baby doll, one that can eat and poop. I like to change nappies,’ she said proudly.
Santa nodded in amusement. ‘I think that can be arranged,’ he said, nodding towards Bonnie.
She was leaning against Jacob. ‘Thank goodness it isn’t Christmas Eve,’ she said. ‘Last year Freya announced she wanted some board game when we visited Santa on Christmas Eve. It was the first time she’d mentioned it at all. And, of course, it was after five o’clock on Christmas Eve.’
He wrapped his arm around her waist. It was so easy to do that. ‘What did you do?’
She shook her head. ‘What do you think I did? I panicked!’
He watched Freya. She was saying to Santa Claus, ‘We really need a house too. We’ve just moved down from Scotland and we still haven’t found somewhere else to stay.’ She looked up into the air. ‘I mean, the house we’re staying in right now is perfect. So, if we could have one just like it, that would be great.’
‘You like where you stay?’ Santa asked.
Freya sighed. ‘It’s the most beautiful house in the world.’
Something twisted inside Jacob. He’d always loved his house—even if he hadn’t really made his mark on it. But to hear someone else say those words out loud? Say that they loved his house—that was special. It almost made him feel warm inside.
And for the strangest reason, it didn’t send him into a mad panic. He wanted Bonnie and Freya to feel welcome in his home. He liked having them around.
Bonnie shifted a little as if she were uncomfortable.
‘But it could be more perfect.’
Jacob turned at the sound of Freya’s voice. She had his full attention.
‘What would make it perfect, then?’ asked Santa.
‘A dog,’ Freya said quickly.
Jacob burst out laughing. ‘She doesn’t seem to be letting this one go, does she?’
Bonnie laughed too. ‘I’ll have to buy her a stuffed one for Christmas. Or maybe one of those ones that bark? There’s no way we could deal with a real dog. Not with me working full-time. It just wouldn’t be fair.’
Jacob nodded. ‘You’re right. I’ve always considered getting a dog, but even with all the dog-walking companies, it just didn’t seem fair to leave a dog by itself all day.’
She looked surprised. ‘You’ve thought about getting a dog?’
‘Of course.’ He winked. ‘I’ve heard they’re not as complicated as women, or...’ he looked over at Freya ‘...five-year-olds!’
Bonnie laughed as Freya jumped down from Santa’s lap and held out her hand towards him. ‘Thanks, Santa, I’ll let you know if I get what I asked for.’
Santa looked a little surprised and shot Bonnie and Jacob a smile as he shook Freya’s outstretched hand. ‘This is a very astute little girl. Merry Christmas to you all.’
They walked outside towards the reindeer pen and Bonnie pulled the bag of food they’d been given from her bag. One of the staff showed Freya how to hold the food in her hand and she screamed as a reindeer named Vixen slobbered all over her hand.
Without even thinking about it, Jacob stuck his hand in Bonnie’s bag and pulled out the wipes that were sticking out, grabbing one out and wiping Freya’s hand.
‘Jacob?’ He knelt down in front of her. ‘Why don’t the reindeers have red noses? Aren’t they supposed to?’
He smiled. He loved the way Freya’s mind worked. Her endless questions. Her five-year-old’s logic. And her complete and utter belief in all things Christmas. This morning she’d shown him a website they’d been shown at school that would plot Santa’s journey all the way around the world on Christmas Eve. They’d even been able to input the house address to let Santa know where they were.
He whispered in her ear. ‘You’ve got to remember. It’s not Christmas Eve yet. They don’t fly until Christmas Eve, so they don’t need their red noses until then.’
He could almost hear her thinking out loud. Finally she gave a little nod. ‘Now I understand.’
His phone rang and he stood up and pulled it from his back pocket, looking to see who was calling. He glanced towards Bonnie and Freya and walked off to the side.
* * *
Bonnie looked up. It must be a work call. Jacob obviously didn’t want to discuss a patient around them and that was fine.
Freya was still excited. In a few minutes’ time it would be time for the countdown and switch-on of the Christmas lights. Bonnie held out her hand. ‘Come on. The lights will be on in a few minutes. Let’s find somewhere good to stand.’
The smells from the street vendors were wafting all around them. Roasting chestnuts, hot chocolate and mulled wine. The rich pine scents from the wreaths outside the nearby florist were mixing in with other aromas. Holly was intertwined amongst them and mistletoe hung from the door of the shop. Should she buy some?
Jacob was still talking. He looked worried; there were deep furrows across his brow. She crossed her fingers that there were no problems on the labour ward.
He caught her eye and turned away. Something twisted inside.
Now she was being stupid.
This was simple. This was just a nice day out between work colleagues—housemates. Because if she took that kiss out of the equation, there really wasn’t anything else between them—was there?
In theory, no. But that wasn’t the way she was feeling inside. And everything about that made her uncomfortable. After the nightmare of her ex-husband she’d vowed not to expose herself or Freya to anything like that again. She didn’t need the hassle of the conflict.
Bonnie Reid fully intended to be a man-free zone. So what had gone wrong?
She hadn’t even lasted a day. They’d moved in with Jacob their first day. How ridiculous was that?
From the initial grumpy meeting, Jacob had seemed to chill. She’d been nervous about staying there with Freya; the first few days she’d scoured the Internet for somewhere else.
But it was almost as if, after the first few days, he wasn’t really in a hurry for them to move out. Anywhere she showed him he always had a reason for them not to move there. Too far out. Too rough. Not near a good school. And while it was helpful and informative, it wasn’t actually inspiring her to move elsewhere.
She and Freya were getting a little too comfortable in Jacob’s lovely house. It was almost starting to feel like home.
Jacob put the phone back in his pocket and spun around to face them. He walked over, picked up Freya and put her on his shoulders. ‘This is where you’ll get the best view,’ he said, and she squealed with happiness as he swung her up.
But Bonnie’s stomach was still churning. It was almost as if the phone call hadn’t happened. It was almost as if he hadn’t deliberately walked away from them and excluded them from his conversation.
A horrible chill crept down her spine. Jacob wasn’t on call any more. His on-call duties finished at midday. Whoever had phoned him—it hadn’t been about work. There were no patient confidentiality issues. So what didn’t he want her to hear?
She didn’t have time to think any further, because his arm was around her shoulders and he moved them forwards a little as Santa positioned himself on stage to make the announcement and turn on the lights.
Crowds had gathered all around them. They were lucky Jacob had thought to buy them tickets. The area in front of the stage was crushed full of people. At the side, they could see the view all along the street. A perfect position to see the lights switched on.
Santa started cheering the crowd on. Some of the handlers had brought the reindeers out from the pen and positioned them behind him. The animals seemed completely unperturbed by the noise or the crowds. Freya, in the meantime, was clapping her hands with excitement.
‘Ten, nine, eight, seven, six.’ Bonnie joined in the countdown with the rest of the crowd. This was what she wanted for her little girl. To be full of the joys of Christmas and to enter into the spirit of things.
Moving down here had been hard. Emotionally hard. The separation in miles was the final nail in her divorce coffin, and one that she so badly needed. Everything down here was new. Everything down here was fresh.
Living in a town where Freya could have seen her father at any point, and been ignored by him, was too much for her. His lack of involvement hurt. It wasn’t the issue of being both mum and dad to her little girl—that was without question. It was the carefully chosen words she had to find to explain why he didn’t call—why he didn’t visit.
And it didn’t matter that moving to Cambridge gave Robert a perfect excuse for not visiting Freya. He hadn’t needed one in Scotland. It just lessened the impact of him not being around. Freya was so caught up in her new home, her new school and her new friends that she hadn’t even had a chance to miss him and that was a welcome relief.
Jacob looked over at her and squeezed her shoulder. ‘Okay?’
‘Yes.’ She nodded, pushing away all the other little doubts that had started to creep into her mind. It was one phone call. One. Nothing else.
Jacob wasn’t Robert. And even if he was, it was none of her business. They were work colleagues—friends.
Santa finished the countdown, ‘Three, two, one,’ and flicked the switch.
It was magical. Like something from a movie. The Christmas lights started at the bottom of the street. Red, green and gold garlands strung across the road flickered to life.
It was like a Mexican wave. At points along the way there were bigger illuminations. A North Pole house, a multicoloured sleigh, a large pile of presents. The church halfway along the street had joined in. Multicoloured lights wrapped around the stained-glass windows and steeple lit up the dark night sky. A nativity scene in the churchyard, complete with shepherds and magi, was brought to life.
Freya loved every part of it. Every time another part lit she gasped with excitement. The lights were getting closer, finishing with the large Christmas tree in the middle of the square. The colours lit up one at a time, as if someone were stringing tinsel around the tree while they watched. First green, then red, then gold. Finally a large white twinkling star lit at the top of the tree as fireworks started to go off behind them. Cambridge really knew how to do Christmas.
One of the brass bands from the local schools started to play Christmas carols and Bonnie, Freya and Jacob joined in. By the time Jacob slid Freya off his shoulders an hour later her eyelids were heavy. Bonnie held out her arms to take her but Jacob shook his head. ‘It’s fine. We’ve still got quite a way to walk back.’ She saw the tiniest flash of hesitation across his eyes, then he bent down and dropped a kiss on her lips.
Just when she thought she had things sorted in her head. Just when she’d convinced herself that what Jacob did was none of her business and she should forget their last kiss.
The kiss zapped everything back into his place. The taste of his lips and the feel of his hands sliding under her jumper and up her back.
‘Come on.’ He smiled at her. ‘Let’s get sleepyhead back home. It’s getting cold out here.’
A few gentle flakes of snow started to fall around them. Freya had automatically snuggled into Jacob’s neck and was already half asleep. Jacob kept his other arm around Bonnie and steered them both through the crowd and along the street.
Bonnie looked around. To everyone else, they must look like a regular family. Mum, Dad and little girl. Part of that terrified her. The other part pined for it.
She wanted Freya to be loved, to be part of a family. She wanted her little girl to have the relationship that she’d missed out on with her own father.
And Bonnie didn’t want to grow old alone. She’d been stung by her cheating ex and it had made her wary. But it didn’t stop her hoping that somewhere out there would be a man who would love and respect her the way she did him.
Would make her skin tingle and send pulses through her body from a mere look, a touch.
Trouble was, the only person who fitted the bill right now was Jacob Layton.
Could she really trust him with her heart? And with Freya’s too?