I was glad when Friday arrived. School was rough. Everyone gawking at my eye. Asking awkward questions about Bones, Max, Pav and Erin F. Such a drag. In reality I wasn’t glad about anything. I was wandering around in a daze, thinking: this time next week I’ll have blood on my hands, death on my soul. Those guns sat heavily on my shoulders, weighing me down with all their firepower. The shed was the only place I could go to think. The only place that could provide sanctuary. That’s where I went after school.
‘Just passing and thought I’d pop in.’ I almost hit the shed roof with terror when I opened the door and saw The Big Man perched on the chair, staring ahead at me. ‘See how you were doing; see how the plans were coming along …’
‘Erm … well …’
‘See if you still remembered our little deal, what to do and whatnot.’
‘Yeah, yeah,’ I said all enthusiastically because I didn’t want him to know that I was so consumed by fear. That it was all I could think about.
‘Can’t have you running scared on me, can I?’ he said.
‘No … no way.’
‘Your mate’s family don’t want any heat on them, do they now?’
‘Erm … don’t think so, Big Man.’
‘Don’t think so? Have you any idea what would happen to them if those Old Country bastards knew refugees were hiding guns in their garden? Some of their own turning on them? Have you a scintilla of an idea what would happen, Charlie?’
‘Erm … I think that –’
‘And imagine if some of our boys found out that info as well.’ The Big Man licked his lips, looked up. ‘She’s a fine-looking woman, that Duda woman. Shame!’
‘They’re not the ones hiding the guns,’ I said.
The Big Man laughed. I could hear the phlegm rattling in his big chest.
If anyone came for Pav and his fine-looking mum and brainbox dad, would I tell them that the shed was mine? That I was the one hiding the guns? Would I admit that to Old Country troops? Would it matter if they believed me or not?
‘I’d start thinking about it if I were you. Get your head in the game.’
‘Right.’
‘Start thinking about the most unimaginable torture techniques known to civilisation.’
‘Well … OK.’
‘Have you any idea what a starved and ravished rat will do to an exposed arsehole?’
‘I hadn’t really thought about it, Big Man,’ I said.
‘Don’t get smart, Charlie. This shit is serious. All it will take is a little word in some Old Country bastard’s shell and they’ll be round here in blink time. All heavy-handed and tooled up. They won’t care if it wasn’t the Dudas keeping guns, Charlie. There’s nothing those bastards like more than a traitor. Everyone saves the worst for traitors. That’s what I’m talking about … so are we clear?’
I didn’t know how to reply because I didn’t know what we were being clear about. Was he threatening me or Pav? Don’t be stupid, Charlie, of course he was.
‘I said are we clear?’
‘Yes, we’re clear.’
‘Good. I know I can count on you, Charlie. You’ve got something the others never had.’ He tapped his temple with his finger, like he’d done previously. ‘That’s why they didn’t make it.’
DIDN’T MAKE WHAT?
I was too afraid to ask, not because I was interested in the plight of his rascal cronies, but in case he informed me that it was now just me and him against Old Country. I thought about what Mercy had said on the bus, about not looking over my shoulder any longer and how things could be in the future. I didn’t want to return to the days of curfews, searches and patrols. I didn’t want to return to the ineffectual Regime and bullying Rascals. I wanted to walk freely, to study, to learn, to work and be who I wanted to be within the law. I wanted to have mates from inside the border and from outside the border. I also wanted Erin F, but that was a different issue altogether.
If it were just me and The Big Man then we’d be fooked, as Pav would say.
‘How’s your mum, by the way?’
‘OK, good.’
‘Still on these?’ he said, pulling out a brown paper bag from inside his leather jacket. He shook the bag. ‘I’d say all this debris dust doesn’t help with her breathing.’
‘It doesn’t, no.’
He reached inside the bag, took out an inhaler and waved it at me.
‘She must be going through these like they’re water now, eh?’
‘Erm …’
‘Pity that chemist is still not operating.’
I kept my eyes on the bag. It was bulging; must have been at least six months’ supply in there, enough to see her through to the birth of a new chemist. Things were happening in Little Town; shops were slowly getting fixed and services were being resumed. Even my dad said so. Although I’d know it was fully repaired when my stomach didn’t rumble as often.
I switched between looking at The Big Man’s hand, the bag and his eyes. He kept his eyes on mine, twiddling the little plastic inhaler in his fingers.
‘So, Charlie, do we have a deal?’
I didn’t blink.
‘Do we understand one another?’
I didn’t speak.
My head nodded instead.
‘We’re on?’ he said.
I nodded again.
‘I want to hear you say it.’
He glanced at the inhaler and the brown bag.
‘Be a shame to burn all this … I want to hear you say it.’
My mouth was dry. I opened it.
‘We’re on,’ I whispered.
‘Sorry, can’t hear you, Charlie. Speak up a bit.’
‘We’re on,’ I said.
‘Sure about that?’
‘Yes. Sure I’m sure.’
‘Excellent!’ he said, rising from the chair. He walked towards me and put his face close to mine. Close enough to kiss. ‘Rats and arseholes, Charlie. Rats and arseholes. Not a good combination, know what I mean?’
‘Think so.’
‘Good, so you enjoy the weekend and I’ll see you Tuesday.’
I glanced at the bag.
‘And you’ll get this inhaler swag when the job’s done, OK?’
‘Can I just have one now though, Big Man?’
‘When it’s done. When it’s done.’ He patted me on the shoulder and left the shed.
I flopped down in the chair The Big Man had vacated. It was still hot. I gritted my teeth and tried everything to hold in my tears. I sat in silence. Wished that I’d never laid eyes on Pav. That I didn’t live in Little Town. That I hadn’t asked Norman to get some crap chairs. That I was not here. That I could just escape. Maybe escape with Pav.
I stared at the floorboard.
I guess I needed some practice.