After my reconnaissance mission I went directly to the shed. I needed the peace, some place to take deep breaths. I needed a place to sit and think about Erin F’s touch, to stroke my cheek. I needed to think about what I thought I knew about the two notes. What I’d discovered when I looked at them closely. I needed a place to go through pending events and practise my moves. Visualise my getaway. Mum could tell when I had something on my mind; to her my face was an open book, so it was vital to find a place where I could get all my fear out.
When I opened the shed door everything drained from me. It felt like being picked up and driven into a huge vice. All thoughts of my mission were sucked right out of me in a flash. The more I stared at what was facing me the tighter the vice twisted. The crushing was similar to being kicked senseless in the stomach; new fear replaced old fear. I couldn’t bring myself to fully enter. The new fear forced me to stand at the door. I couldn’t take my eyes off of it: a rope. A sleeping snake curled around the roof’s jutting wood. The chair had been moved slightly underneath it.
The monster inside urged me to go in and touch it. Yank it down. Do a Tarzan on it. A greater power – terror – rooted me to the spot. My eyes watched it dangling. The looped part for the head to fit inside was expertly formed. He must have made that himself. If I wanted to pack it all in I wouldn’t even know how to make a loop.
For a fleeting moment a shocking realisation entered my head, a thing that shamed me: it might be a lot easier to rub out Pav’s sister if he wasn’t here. He could be doing me a favour. There would be no need for any painful confrontation between us.
–Why you kill sister?
–The Big Man made me do it, Pav.
–But this my sister.
–He said he was going to torture you and your family and make my mum suffer.
–This not good, Charlie.
–Sorry, what else could I have done?
–Come speak with me?
–He had me by the short and curlies, Pav.
–OK, but I still no happy.
–Sorry again. Want to look for some bees?
–OK.
I was always having these worst-case-scenario thoughts. I felt shame about my friendship flaws with Pav. I mean, how can one mate not recognise when another mate is going through a trauma? In the course of a few days our shed had become a place of death. Death by rope and death by gun. My dream for a place of peace scorched.
I decided to wait in the shed for Pav to arrive. Wait until he came back to do whatever he was planning on doing. And when he returned I’d be there to save him. I took a deep breath and entered, sat on the chair directly underneath the noose. I didn’t touch the rope; I didn’t want my fingers on it. I left it floating in air.
When Pav returned I could tell he was surprised to see me sitting there, as if I’d just scuppered his master plan.
‘Charlie, what you here?’
‘Pav, what the hell is that thing hanging there for?’ I said, pointing to the rope.
‘It is rope.’
‘I know it’s a rope. What’s it doing there, in here? In our shed?’
‘I hang it,’ he said.
‘Pav, are you saying what I think you’re saying?’
‘What you saying?’
‘I’m saying, why is that rope hanging in our shed?’
‘You ask already.’
‘So tell me.’
‘Because I not want to do it in house.’
‘So you thought it was better to do it here, knowing that I’d be the one to find you. I’d be the one to have to tell your parents?’ I paced the shed. Ran my hand through my hair. ‘Why didn’t you talk to me? I could’ve helped.’
‘Help with what?’
‘This,’ I said, pointing to the noose.
‘You thinking … you thinking that I want …’
‘What?’
‘That I want put neck in that,’ he said, pointing to the rope.
‘Yes.’
‘I no want to do that. You crazy guy, Charlie. You funny.’
‘I don’t find that funny at all. I almost had a heart attack when I saw it. I thought … I thought …’ I couldn’t get out what I wanted to say. I could feel the tears trying to ease themselves out of me. Did he not understand all the things I had going on in my head? His expression changed.
‘I sorry, Charlie. But it was letter note.’
‘The note you gave me?’
‘Yes.’
‘What’s that got to do with this?’ I said, pointing to the rope.
‘It say we all hang in house.’
‘I know. I read it, remember?’
‘So I take rope from house and put here.’
Did he not realise that whoever sent that note could’ve quite easily brought their own rope?
‘And you made a noose for them … why?’
Pav frowned. ‘I want see –’ He fell silent and shrugged. I guess stress makes everyone a bit loopy.
‘I no want die, Charlie.’
‘Me neither, Pav.’
‘I no want die in Old Country Military.’
‘Well, if you return there that might happen, Pav.’ He glared at me. ‘It might!’
‘And I no want Little Town Rascals to take us away for beating and raping either.’
‘I doubt that would happen, Pav.’
‘But letter note say so.’
‘It’s just bullying, Pav. Nothing else.’
Pav paused.
Now wasn’t the time to reveal my discovery about the notes; this was all about Pav.
‘Maybe,’ he said. ‘I need much think about.’
‘It might be best to do normal things again,’ I said.
‘What normal things?’
‘Well, getting back to school would be a good start.’ Pav didn’t tut me away or swat my words back at me. ‘You don’t want to fall too far behind.’
‘This what Mercy say too.’
‘Mercy Lewis?’ I said in my high-pitched voice.
‘Yes.’
‘When were you speaking to her, Pav?’
‘She come to house for visit.’
‘Your house?’
‘Yes, Mum made Old Country tea.’
‘Tea? For you and Mercy?’ I asked.
What about you?
WHAT ABOUT ME?
‘Yes, and Mum,’ he said.
‘What did Mercy want?’
‘For say hello and see if bruises go away.’
‘I take it you had a good chat with Mercy then?’
‘She nice girl.’
‘She is very nice. I think you two would –’
‘She say no point thinking in past.’
‘She has a point, Pav.’
‘She say think about tomorrow.’
‘Mercy is full of wise words.’
‘She wiser lady, Charlie. She say our mind is powerful muscle.’
‘You bet it is …’
‘She say my mind should be like balloon.’
‘A balloon?’
‘On broken string.’
Pav looked upwards, as though he was watching a balloon floating off in the sky.
‘A balloon on a broken string, eh?’ I took a few seconds to ponder this. I could see Mercy’s point. ‘That’s deep, Pav. Do you know what she means by that?’
‘She explain.’
‘It’s good to have your mind as a balloon, don’t you think?’
‘Flying up, up away. Here, there, everywhere.’ Pav was in his own world.
‘Did Mercy teach you that?’
‘Yes, she teached.’
Perhaps Mercy was better at being Pav’s teacher than I was.
‘So you feel happier now? More optimistic about things?’
‘I feel this.’
‘So, Mercy Lewis came to visit you then,’ I said, raising my eyebrow.
‘She visit.’
‘And do you like Mercy?’
‘Shut trap, Charlie.’
‘I think she likes you.’
‘Don’t be dickman.’
‘She must do if she came to our block to see you.’
Pav’s face was getting redder.
‘Zip mouth. We pals, like you and me.’
‘Yeah, pals who do the …’ I smacked my lips three times. Pav leant over in his chair and gave me a belter of a dead arm. It felt good to be back in the shed cracking jokes and extracting the urine. I had a warm feeling inside, until it returned:
My task.
The Big Man.
Captain Duda, Pav’s sister.
Tell him. You can’t hide it.
I wanted to tell him. A problem shared and all that! My mouth even opened to allow the words time and space to get out. But nothing. Just air and dread. Pav sensed something was wrong.
‘You OK, Charlie?’
‘Yes, yes. Just tired, I think. And hungry.’
See, I’m just Charlie Law, from Little Town. I’m not a Regime supporter. I’m not a Rascal. I’m not much of a fighter, unless you can fight with words on paper. I don’t have enemies, even if they’ve invaded my country. I don’t want to kill anyone. But there are two guns and a load of bullets in my shed, and tomorrow I’m going to shoot my best friend’s sister right between her baby blue blinders … which I didn’t want to do. However, with Mum’s breath on my mind and Pav’s family’s life, I knew there was no place for didn’t want any longer. Time was fast running out. What my after-school spying mission told me was that I could do it. I could. Couldn’t I?
‘Maybe you go get food, Charlie,’ Pav said.
‘I think that’s a good idea.’