I told my mom I didn't want to let people at school know about the "Wild Card show." She asked why.
"Because it'll be less embarrassing if I don't make it. If no one knows, then no one can laugh at me."
"Hon, don't ever let fear of failing hold you back, because if you do, then you won't try anything."
Seriously? Was this woman ever in the eighth grade?
"You don't know what it's like to have people talk about you," I said.
She raised her eyebrows and asked if anyone was picking on me at school. I shook my head, but told her no one was ever happy for me when anything good happened.
"What do you mean?" she asked.
"I don't know. Well, when I got my hair cut and they filmed the whole thing, people were kinda funny about it — they were all weird about the whole Ingénue thing, to be honest. I mean, I'm not saying I expect people to go crazy over it, but it would be nice to have some people be supportive instead of acting like it's dumb or ignoring it — it makes me feel invisible or something."
"Remember when I got the job to transfer to Grand Rapids?" Mom asked. I nodded. "I was so excited that they wanted me for the position. I was the youngest person they ever promoted to that level. And you know what my co-workers said?"
I shook my head.
"One of them, who I thought was my friend, said, 'Oh, I guess they needed a young person to fill a quota or something.' It was like she was dismissing all my hard work and long hours and saying I got the position on a technicality. I remember coming home and picking you up from your friend's house that day. I told your friend's mom about it, and she made a comment about how she would hate it if she had to actually go out and work."
"Huh? I don't get it," I said.
"She chose to be a stay-at-home mom — which is fine, that's her choice, but that didn't give her the right to dismiss my decision to have a job and not stay home full-time. Later, when we found out that your dad wouldn't be able to transfer to work in Grand Rapids, that same lady made a comment about how my 'ambitions would impact you.'"
"What does that mean?"
"Like I was being selfish wanting this promotion, even if it wasn't a good thing for you to change schools, or for us to move away from your father. But I still thought your dad would find something and, to be truthful, I wasn't crazy about how some of those girls in your class back in Chicago were acting. You were lucky to go to such a nice school with privileged kids, but some of them were starting to act…do you know what I mean by 'entitled'? Like they expected things to be given to them because of who their parents were — that sort of thing. Some of those kids had attitudes, and I thought that maybe moving was the right thing to do."
"Okay, so what does this have to do with the contest?" I asked.
"Everyone — even my own mother — told me to stay where I was at work and play it safe. They said the new job might be over my head, and I could fail and then where would I be? I would have uprooted us for nothing. I knew I could fall flat on my face, but I went ahead and did it anyway. And part of the reason was that I didn't want you to grow up seeing me 'play it safe.' Your grandmother is great — she was a wonderful mom – but she didn't take chances, and that made me scared to. I didn't want you to grow up the same way."
"But it's different for me. If you failed, there wouldn't be a whole class of people to laugh at you when you came back," I said.
"No, instead I'd hear about it from my side of the family and the Albright side for the rest of my life," she said. "Risk is never easy, but you can't learn anything or grow if you don't try."
"I know, I get what you're saying, but I'm still scared to fail."
"Don't look at it that way then," she said. "Didn't one of your favorite models once say, 'There is no failure — you either win or learn'?"
"Yeah."
"Then there you go. If you want this, then don't let anyone stop you from getting experience. And if they're true friends, then they will support you."
I nodded. "Okay, I will tell my friends, but not the rest. I never knew you went through all of that when we moved here."
She nodded. "You're happy here, right? I mean, besides the being apart from Dad thing. You're okay here?"
She was biting her lip and twisting her hair. My mother actually seemed unsure of herself. I never saw that side of my mom — ever. I nodded.
"Yup, if we hadn't moved I wouldn't have met Peyton and Ashanti and the rest of the girls."
"Don't forget Vladi," she said, smiling.
I shrugged. "I don't talk to him much anymore. It's no big deal. It's just…whatever. We say hi and stuff, but that's it."
I could tell she wanted to ask more, but she knew it was better not to press it. So I got up to go to bed and then stopped.
"Mom?"
"Yeah?"
I gave her a hug. "Thanks."
I knew she was surprised, since we weren't big huggers in our family. "Oh, um, sure," she said, hugging back. "Now just don't forget me when you're famous."
"Right, I'll put you on the list."
"Ha, ha! Get to bed!"