Chapter Eighteen

Gideon was asleep after agreeing to try a draught made from one of Kinari’s powders that was supposed to help with insomnia. It was unlikely he would have found rest otherwise.

His anxiety about time-walking wouldn’t settle until we figured it out one way or another. We were all deeply concerned that he’d time-walk and not make it back to the present day, even with an anchor.

The possibility that his soul was accessible was encouraging, but we couldn’t get our hopes up until we found it, got it back into him, and saw if that put an end to the time-walking.

I would be heading back to the community as soon as I could to try and locate it. And figure out why no one from there had shown up at Bastillen yet. Guilt continued to worm through me about not giving them a Portalorb.

Callan was in the kitchen washing up after dinner. It was well equipped but small, and all four of us had crammed in there to cook. I think we needed normalcy after everything that had happened.

We ended up with curried chicken, naan, iced tea, and a marble Bundt cake.

Callan had refused our help with tidying up the kitchen, so when I came out of the bathroom, I looked around for Toji, spotting him through the sliding door that led to a deck. Beyond it was a spacious backyard.

I headed through the door and walked up to the railing, where Toji was leaning on his forearms.

“Hey,” I said. “Penny for your thoughts.”

“Do you have anything of higher value?” He slanted a smile. “And are you sure you want these thoughts?”

“If there’s something on your mind, you know I’m all ears.” I shook my head. “What am I saying? Of course there’s something on your mind, on all our damn minds.” I sighed. “I can’t believe Gideon can time-walk.”

“I’m worried. I hope getting his soul back will make it go away.”

“I hope so too. I’m glad I could help him sleep. I hate how much has been dumped on him.”

“And yet the thing that worried him the most was you getting taken by the Kiabi Warrior.”

I bit my lip, feeling the truth of that settle on me, knowing that no matter what was going on with him personally, Gideon always put the people he cared about first.

When I glanced at Toji, he was looking at me speculatively. He turned away, staring out at the yard, which was lit by Firi Stone lanterns staked around the perimeter.

“Do you remember the night you came back from the past?” he started. “And the way Gideon initially reacted?”

I looked up at the moon. “He was…highly emotional.” I wouldn’t soon forget the moment I’d passed through Linella’s portal and how Ashe and the boys had reacted to my return. It had been as joyous as it had been heartbreaking. My own feelings had been compounded by being happy to see them but grieved over having to step away from my family. They still were.

“Gi tried to show a brave face while you were gone, but you and I both know he wears his emotions openly. No matter what it is, you’ll know how he’s feeling.”

“Happy, sad, mad, yeah, he doesn’t hide anything.”

“He barely ate.” Toji’s voice dropped lower and he tilted his head down. I felt a squeeze in my chest. “He hardly slept. When he did, he would wake up restless and I couldn’t comfort him. The only consolation was Callan telling us that if Ashe was alive then you were as well, because death for one of you means death for both.”

“Yeah, it’s the biggest risk of the Familiar bond.”

“I think that’s why we didn’t try too hard to work out a schedule where we took turns caring for Ashe. We all wanted to see she was okay, every day, because that meant you were too.”

“I’m really sorry I made you guys worry.”

Toji shook his head. “It’s not my intention to make you apologize for something we already dealt with.” He released a soft sigh. “Honestly, I’m not even sure why I’m telling you this.”

“It’s okay. Gi is your husband, and he was hurting.”

“As much as we love our significant others, that love alone isn’t enough, isn’t all we need to carry us through our lives. That’s why Gideon always tried so hard to help me find any inkling of my birth family. He knew it would fill a missing piece that he never could.” His voice was still low, but the emotions conveyed in those words screamed through me.

“And in return, it’s why I’ve loved watching him flourish within his friendships. It was an interesting time when he met you because it was a few months after a close friend from his childhood passed away and he was struggling.”

“Javi. I love the stories Gideon shares about him. Especially the one where Javi dared him to eat the world’s hottest pepper and Gideon swears he died for half a minute.”

He’d given such a compelling description of what angels looked like I’d almost believed him.

“I’m not saying you were a replacement for Javi, mind you,” Toji said. “Just that he’d been so closed off after he passed, and then you came along and he so easily opened up again. I was surprised when he started gushing about a new friend he made at his shop and her fabulous, fantastic, wonderful, beautiful dog.” His lips twitched with a smile. “I was even a little offended that a stranger seemed to be healing him more than I could, more than his other friends could. Until I met you. And the fabulous dog…even though she didn’t like me much.”

“C’mon, I’m not that special.” I waved my hand, trying to maintain a light tone.

“It’s not about being special or not. You’re you, and you came into his life at a time when Gideon really needed you. And knowing what I know about you now, I think you really needed him too.”

“I did.” I recalled Mixuné’s words that she’d woven threads into my fate that would bring favorable assistance into my path. Gideon and I had hit it off from day one, and Toji had always been easy to get along with. Callan was a different story, which proved my point that Mix hadn’t necessarily set things up for perfection.

“Toji…” My throat was tight. What could I say? What should I say? I was fighting against my old instincts to shut down and move through the world with as few attachments as possible, making sure I didn’t hurt anyone and no one got hurt because of me.

“Your friendship has meant so much to him, and to me as well. But if you hadn’t come back from the past I would have lost a part of my husband I would have never gotten back. And I would have resented you for it. I know being taken by that Kiabi Warrior was something you had no control over. But the way Gideon reacted when he told us…” He shook his head, his face taking on a pained look. “It made me realize how on edge Gideon still is. He exists in a place where he thinks the next time he sees you will be the last time.”

“I can understand that.” Leave it to Gideon to be reeling from an unexpected ability to move through time but be more worried about me. That was how much he cared about those he loved. And I cared about him just as much.

“There’s a lot going on with each of us,” Toji said, “that could bring the potential of hurting each other…”

Like me killing his sister. I would make damn sure that never happened.

“I’ll do my best not to hurt you,” I said.

“I know you will.”

I leaned my head against his shoulder. “I love you, Toj.”

Gideon and I threw around “I love yous” all the time, but I realized I never conveyed that much within my friendship with Toji.

“Love you too, Penny Penn.” He hadn’t called me that in a while. I felt another chest squeeze, but this time for warmer reasons. “And I want you to know that despite everything it means a lot to have a friend that will do anything to help you. Thank you isn’t enough.”

“I would do anything for you guys.” A tear slipped down my cheek despite my best efforts.

“Except leave,” he said softly, leaning his head against mine. “I know it’s not always something you can control but let me be selfish this one time and ask you…please…try not to leave us again without knowing if you’ll come back.”

“Okay.”

I didn’t know if I could promise that, but I would try.

…

Toji joined Gideon in the guest room soon after we came in from the deck.

I heard footsteps behind me and stood up from where I’d been gently stroking Ashe, who was asleep in between the coffee table and the sofa.

Callan stood at the end of the short hallway that led to the kitchen. Our eyes met and I couldn’t tell what he was feeling because his expression was closed off.

My own emotions felt like they were both plummeting and skyrocketing. I was an ocean overflowing; there were too many things that confused, scared, and angered me.

I knew Callan felt the same, and I was scared that our lives had become so overwhelming we would not be able to hold on to each other. I wanted Callan’s arms back around me, wanted to feel safe within them, but his physical presence wasn’t all I needed.

We needed to talk.

“Callan…”

“I’m gonna hit the shower.” He strode through the living room and down another hallway to his room.

I stood there for a moment staring after him.

“He’s avoiding me.” That was glaringly obvious. I released a sigh, my shoulders drooping. There was so much shit to sift through, but there was only one thing I wanted to deal with right now and he was in the bathroom about to get sudsy.

I headed to the bedroom.

It was a decent size but sparse; Callan hadn’t yet had the time to try and make it comfortable. The floor was a nice dark hardwood, same as throughout the rest of the house. The cream-colored walls were bare, and the only furniture was a queen-sized bed and matching dresser in gray tones. There was a large walk-in closet on one wall, and on the opposite wall were windows that looked out onto the tree-lined pathway that ran past the front of the house.

I headed to the dresser and loosed my hair from the ponytail I’d pulled it into while we were cooking. I had let it air-dry and now needed to do something with it before it tangled worse than Ashe’s fur after she got soaked.

Gideon and Toji had brought up everything that was on top of his apartment’s dresser, which included my hair products and my bonnet.

I parted my hair into four sections and went to work on each one by one. I used detangling spray before running a comb through it to work out the knots, then applied a leave-in conditioner and curl cream. I kept having to stop because my hands shook.

I put the comb down and leaned my arms against the dresser, bending my head and taking a slow breath. Dark emotions felt like they were clawing up my throat.

There was too much going on. Too much.

Callan’s risk for Erasure and permanence at Bastillen.

Gideon’s sudden ability to time-walk. We would hopefully be getting his soul back soon, but would that solve everything?

Everything that had happened with Xythen being sent to kill me, then the events in the forest that made it clear the Discordant Dark was a bigger problem than I’d thought. And it might have gotten its claws into me. Enough that I could end up killing Kana.

It took some time before I could get my body to stop trembling.

I tried to push those harrowing thoughts aside so I could focus on one thing right now. Callan.

The shower faucet squeaked as Callan turned it off. I raised my head and finished combing through the last section of hair. Kept repeating to myself that I was back, I was safe, I was with my friends, Ashe, and Callan again.

This wasn’t the first time we’d faced issues that seemed insurmountable. We would figure it all out somehow.

Callan emerged from the attached bathroom with the towel around his waist, his upper body damp, beads of water trailing down his chest to the lines between his abs.

It was a sight that still made my breath catch, and part of me wanted to abandon my efforts with my hair and make use of the bed, but I remained where I was. I used a rat-tail comb to part my hair in diagonals and styled my hair into eight Bantu-knots.

While I did that, I watched Callan through the mirror as he finished drying off, applied lotion, and threw on some basketball shorts. He went back into the bathroom to hang up his towel. After he emerged, I headed in to wash the hair product off my hands. When I came out, Callan was about to leave the room.

“Callan.”

He stopped and turned to me.

“You won’t talk to me.” I was tired, so tired, but things needed to be said and we had to say them. Callan looked away and didn’t respond, but his face was pained.

“You had tears in your eyes when you saw me again,” I continued. “You dragged me into your arms, you held my face and looked at me like you never thought you’d see me again. You barely let me move from your hold. But you won’t talk to me. Why?”

“Because everything I want to say are things you don’t need to hear right now.” The deep tones of his voice sounded raw. There was so much pain there that it made my chest feel tight. I wanted to go to him, hold him, but we didn’t need to hug right now. We needed to talk.

“Say them,” I said. “Say anything. Please.”

He said nothing.

“Callan…” Now anguish colored my voice. “I know we’re not dealing with normal relationship problems, but we have to face them anyway. We have to work through this even if that means—”

“I love you.” He turned the full weight of his gaze on me. His was serious, hands balled into fists, shoulders rigid, eyes locked on mine.

I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me.

My mouth fell open and I took a small step back, coming up against the wall. I hadn’t been prepared to hear…that. Emotions frizzled through me like I was in a pot of boiling water, surrounded by nothing but bubbling heat.

“I’ve wanted to say that for a while.” There was so much vulnerability in his voice and on his face. “I was waiting for the right time to say it, waiting for a moment that felt like it would help me convey everything I feel for you. Then it started to seem like the world was crumbling right as we’d put it back together. The Kiabi Warrior attacked you. Then I found out about having to stay here or I would cease to exist. I…” He raked his hands across his head. “I was consumed with panic about being Erased, then you end up being the one that disappeared.” He laughed, but it wasn’t a happy sound.

“Not the kind of irony we need.” To go from being worried about Callan’s existence to being the one that disappeared was a cruel blow.

“The first time we were together, we acknowledged that we didn’t want to do it only because we were on the brink of a disaster that could literally end the world, remember?”

“I remember.” When Callan and I had first slept together it had been right before we’d tried to execute a plan to stop Varian from releasing the Majimorta with no guarantee that we’d succeed.

Falling into each other’s arms could have felt like a last-ditch effort to grasp at something good before everything went downhill, but we had felt that it was more than that. That no matter the outcome there would be no regrets from us being together in whatever way felt right.

“I didn’t want it to seem like the only moments to express how I felt about you were when we were on the verge of danger we might not recover from,” he continued. My heart was beating too fast, the echo of those three words going round and round my head.

“But I realized that the universe isn’t gonna gift wrap me a perfect moment.” His unwavering gaze was on me. “Isn’t gonna carve out a place for me to act like the hero in a story who knows all the right words to sweep you off your feet, who can open his mouth and speak poetry to your soul so you know how deep my feelings are, how important you are to me, how this feeling has grown since we went out for the first time and I hold it like it’s the most precious thing I have, because it is. I’ve wanted to tell you I loved you and I waited. And then you were taken, and I didn’t know if I would get you back.”

“Callan…” My voice cracked. I didn’t know what to say. Every word felt like it was filling me up. I was tense, anxious, shocked. I was…

“You were gone and I felt like I had been torn in two. I didn’t get to tell you I loved you, and it was selfish of me to even have that thought.” He shook his head before settling his gaze on me again. “I wanted to say it the moment I had my arms around you again, but how could I center myself after everything you’ve been through? And…” Sorrow overtook his expression. “I failed you.”

“Failed? What…” My mind was scrambling to keep up. I was stuck on those three words, they felt like they were lodged in my chest, echoing off my bones, thumping in rhythm with my heart.

“I know you don’t need me to be some alpha man that protects you,” he said. “You don’t need me to treat you like a damsel in distress. We stand alongside each other, but you let me see the softer parts of you. You let me be your safe place. But now I can’t even stand and fight with you. That’s part of the reason I’ve been so fucking frustrated!”

He banged his fist against the wall. “I get that there’s no way around having to stay here if I want to continue existing but how am I supposed to be okay knowing I have to stand still while the world moves around me? That if you’re in danger I can’t do anything except hope for the best? What kind of partner does that make me?”

He was sad and he was angry, and I could tell that anger was directed at himself. “I hate that I couldn’t keep you safe. All I can think is that I failed you, and I love you…and I failed you.” He dropped his head, and I could see a tremble going through his body.

I love you.

He’d said it again, with enough force behind it to almost feel like a physical blow.

I walked over and slipped one of my hands into his. His fingers curled around mine tightly. I used my other hand to cup his cheek and raise his head so he would look at me. His eyes were haunted. I gently thumbed his jaw.

“I’m…not okay.” I knew it, but saying it out loud felt like it cleaved me open, laid bare all the vulnerabilities I never let show. I was a warrior, but I was fighting not to hide behind that sole identity. I was someone’s daughter, sister. I was a friend, I was myself. And I was Callan’s woman, and that meant I could let him see things I was afraid to face alone.

“With everything that happened in the Before Times and everything happening now, I don’t think I’ll make it back to okay by myself,” I continued. “I think I’ll need help…”

“A Temporal therapist, maybe?” he said gently.

“Yeah, not a bad idea.” I sighed. “When the Discordant Dark was trying to kill me…I gave up.” Tears filled my eyes. “I didn’t have any strength left, didn’t have any plan to free myself and make it back to you. I thought I had reached the end.” A tear slipped down my cheek and Callan brushed it away.

“There’s so much I could say about the things that happened. The words, the emotions…feel bottled up inside me, make me want to scream and never stop.” His hand around mine tightened.

“But right now I want to say two things.” I focused my eyes on his. “You didn’t fail me. You could never fail me. The fact that you think you did tells me everything I need to know about how you feel about me, Callan. I truly, deeply, understand how you feel about having to stay here and not be able to be with me. But you are worth more to me than your ability to support me with your magic and fighting skills. You are the anchor that keeps me from falling apart.” I squeezed his hand again. “I mean that, Callan. I can be plenty strong on my own, but I am not invincible. I wouldn’t want anyone else at my side to face any and everything. Although if we could face things like bottomless brunch and tropical vacations that would be nice.”

His lips quirked then both our faces sobered.

“You didn’t fail me, okay? Say you believe me.”

He searched my eyes, my face. As we stood there, I’d felt the tension easing from him, saw the creases in his brow diminish. Felt him finally relax.

“I believe you.” His voice was laden with relief.

“Good. I know things aren’t gonna be all right yet, but I need you to stay in this with me. We can’t run from the hard conversations, that won’t solve anything. Opening up hasn’t been easy for either of us but we have to try, okay?”

“Okay,” he said. “I’m not going anywhere. I promise.”

I smiled, then kissed him, slowly, hungrily, my lips tasting him like it was the first time and could be the last. The space between us closed as his arms went around my waist and mine around him. He slid his hand up to cup the back of my neck, deepening the kiss with his tongue demanding its way to mine.

Anticipation coursed through me. I clung to him, the hard planes of his body that anchored me, the fresh scent of soap on his skin, the promise I felt as he kissed me that nothing life threw at us would be enough to part me from him.

We broke apart and spent a few moments wrapped in each other’s arms. He dropped his head and nuzzled my neck before raising it again.

“You said there were two things you wanted to tell me…”

My smile lingered as I slid my fingers through his hair. “You can’t guess?”

I kissed him gently, sweetly, before pulling back and releasing the words that were lodged in my chest, whispering them against his lips.

“I love you, too.”