Chapter Twenty-Six

I felt like I hadn’t seen my legs in ages.

The silly thought made me giggle but there was no joy in it. I was laying full length on my sofa. I’d spent so much time in my armor lately that wearing normal clothes for longer than a night felt strange. Currently I had on cotton shorts and a slouchy T-shirt with a Mrs. Pacman graphic. My armor was in a heap on my bedroom floor. Eventually I’d spot clean it and figure out where to take it to get the tears repaired.

Ashe, back in her Circoux form, was stretched out alongside the sofa. She was never too far. Even when I took a shower, she sat on the other side of the shower curtain until I came out. She knew how close to falling apart I was. We’d seen healers yesterday and gotten properly stitched up and medicated. Both of us were plenty sore, but our boost in accelerated healing from being bound was helping a lot.

It had been two days since the events at Bastillen. It could have been two centuries.

I’d ignored all calls and messages, only keeping up with texting Gi and Toji, but I told them I needed some time before I was ready to see them.

Toji had let me know that the Apprentice Guild was in a huge upset over what happened. I could only imagine how stressful it had to be for the Diviners, and by extension, the Celestial Divine, to know that the Discordant Dark had been able to compromise so many of their warriors.

Everyone was recovering, though, including Kana, who was in the hospital. Toji had relayed that she was incredibly confused and shocked at what the Discordant Dark’s possession had made her do. Her right arm had been so severely injured it needed to be amputated from the elbow down. There were no words to describe how terrible I felt about what she’d endured, starting the night of the blackout.

At some point I’d talk to her, but for now it was best to give her space while she recovered.

Toji had also texted that Cindra had visited Kana and was also perplexed and stunned by what happened.

Because of things I had set in motion. I had no hope that Cindra’s feelings about me would thaw. Under other circumstances, Cindra might have become a good friend and ally. Something told me she’d been looking forward to something like that until the blackout happened and it was revealed that I was the cause.

I felt terrible. For so much. For Kana, Cindra, and for Chelara and everyone in the Temporal community. I would never forget what I’d seen when Sage and I had gone down there.

They’d deserved a chance to make it to Bastillen and I had failed them.

But there was one thing that kept my emotions sunken in more than anything else. It was the one thing I thought about almost every moment of the day.

Callan was gone.

The man I loved was gone. He hadn’t died, there was, no body to lay in a casket, no grave I could go cry over. He had been removed from ever existing in this time.

I pressed my fist against my chest. Tears welled up in my eyes and slid down my cheeks. Ashe raised her head and licked the tears away then nuzzled her head against me.

I slowly lifted my fist and opened my hand.

The Pfura Stone lay on my palm.

I wish. I wish. I wish…

The words had been going around and around in my head. They were stuck in my throat, a sentence I could utter that could take away the pain. There was one door open to me. One way I could get Callan back. And all I had to do was pay.

A price I wouldn’t know until I had to pay it.

Keys jangled from the other side of my apartment door. I closed my hand around the stone again. The locks rattled and moments later the door opened and Gideon stepped inside. His eyes immediately found me.

“Yes, I still have your spare keys, and yes, I decided to barge in on you despite what you texted. It’s been two days and I’ve been losing my mind with worry.” He hustled over. His afro was pulled back into a puff, and he wore a T-shirt with a trail of Pacman ghosts. My lips twitched. Some other time we would have had a laugh about our unintentional coordination.

Gideon dropped onto the sofa at my feet. He was trying for a neutral expression, but I could see his true emotions underneath. He was scared, confused, and worried.

“I’m so sorry about your soul, Gi,” I whispered. It was unfathomable that just when we’d figured out Gideon’s soul was in reach, it was gone.

I kept praying to wake up from this terrible nightmare.

“I’m scared, I won’t lie,” Gideon said, shaking his head. “We were hoping getting my soul back would help with the time-walking, and now…my soul…” He gave a shaky laugh. “It went and got a head start to the Afterlife. I cannot believe that is an actual fact about my life.”

“Gi…” What could I even say to him?

“I haven’t time-walked again but I ain’t gonna lie, this ability is terrifying. I keep Toji’s watch on me but we don’t even know if that’s guaranteed to help.”

“We will find out more about it. Maybe there’s more that’s known about time-walking in this timeline.”

“I hope so. Since it seems my only option now is to learn how to control it.” He gave another breathy laugh. “I guess I’m a magic user now? Is there a welcome package? A badge? Can I get an honorary Mortalstone even though I have no soul to tie it to? Look at me making soul-less jokes already…”

I chuffed a laugh. “I’ll work on the welcome package. How’s Toji doing?”

“He and his parents are pretty much glued to Kana’s side. Yukiko and Jun are stunned by everything that happened. They’re worried about what it means that Kana was possessed by something like the Discordant Dark.”

“It fed on her soul,” I said softly. “Can they… Can they tell if her soul is still there?”

“Won’t be able to tell until she’s able to see a Diviner,” he replied. “Right now they’re focused on her recovery. Once she can get back to Quivess, we’ll see.”

She wouldn’t become a time-walker like Gideon, but there was clearly a lot that could go wrong when your soul was fucked with. I was worried about what would arise from all Kana’s body had been through.

“Toji is sorry he couldn’t come with me. But his parents aren’t dealing with things well and he didn’t want to leave them yet.”

“I understand…”

I hated how small my voice sounded.

How weak I sounded. But it was okay to be weak.

The world looked at me and expected me to be strong all the time. The world could get fucked. I was just like everyone else. I was proud of my strength and resilience through everything I had been through over the course of my long life, but that was even more reason for me to acknowledge when I was broken and needed to heal.

I had suffered a lot. Lost a lot.

Including my soft place to land.

Grief was fire in my lungs.

“You should have stayed with him. Toji needs you.”

“You need me too,” he said. “And Toji understood.” He lay his hand on top of my foot and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“I don’t want to say the words,” Gideon said softly. “I thought I would come here and you would tell me it isn’t true.” His eyes sought mine. “But…it’s true, isn’t it? Callan…”

Hearing his name broke me.

Cracked my ribs open and tore my grief out, through my chest, through every nerve in my body, through every emotion I could name and all the ones I couldn’t.

A hard, ragged sob ripped from my throat. Ashe rose up and pressed her body against my back.

My body shook harder. Gideon reached over and pulled me into his arms.

“Oh Penn, oh Penn…” He held me close while pain slammed me over and over.

It all came back. Callan tackling Cindra and punching her.

Calling his name and locking eyes with him. Screaming at him to get back to Bastillen. Reaching for him as he reached for me, then…

“He was Erased.”

Gideon’s arms tightened around me.

“He’s gone.”

“No. Oh no…”

I screamed against Gideon’s shoulder. Released my tears, released my grief and frustration. Released all my strength and let my best friend’s arms around me and Ashe’s warmth at my back be the only things that held me together, that kept me from exploding into a million fragments of despair.

I cried until I had no tears left.

…

“I need to go to Bastillen for a while,” I said, coming out of my bedroom.

I’d swapped the cotton shorts for denim and the T-shirt for a seafoam-colored short-sleeved blouse. Gideon was cleaning up the takeout we’d eaten and looked a question at me. Ashe was at her food bowl finishing her third turkey leg.

“Really? Do you want me to come with you?”

I shook my head. “No. You should head back to Toji. I’ll be fine. I’m going to use a Portalorb to get there and I’ll figure out a way back.”

And then I’d explain why I’d gone.

I sure hoped I’d be able to explain.

Gideon looked hesitant. “Are you sure you wanna go back there right now?”

I had a small bag slung over my chest with a few things like my wallet, phone, and the Pfura Stone. I tightened my hand around the strap.

“Yeah, I’m sure. I’ll be fine.” I headed over to where the Gladius was propped up against the weapons wall and settled it on my back. Then I went over and gave Gideon a long hug.

When we pulled back, I stepped away and took out a Portalorb. When I looked at Gideon, his expression was worried. I remembered what Toji said about him being afraid the next time he saw me would be the last.

But would it really be such a bad thing for me to no longer be part of his life? Look at what I had brought into it.

I lowered my arm. “Gi, do you sometimes wi…” I paused. I hadn’t been about to use “wish” in the context of making one, but I couldn’t be too careful. “Do you sometimes think you’d be better off if you’d never met me? If I was no longer part of your life so the dangerous things I get caught up in don’t affect you?”

“Penn…”

“You died,” I said softly. “And now your soul is gone, and you have a scary time-walking ability. And I’ve wreaked havoc on Toji’s family.” I looked away. I still felt raw and vulnerable. Everything had been moving so fast, I’d hardly been able to talk to Gideon about any of it. I needed to take the time now.

“I feel like all I do is make you worry about me,” I continued. “And I know it’s because you care and I cherish that. But I can’t stand how much I end up hurting my friends. I feel…” I sighed. “Sad. Overwhelmed. Scared. And sorry. So very sorry for what I’ve brought into your and Toji’s life.”

Gideon tilted his head as he looked at me, his brow furrowed. “I won’t lie and say it’s been easy. But if you hadn’t changed the world, we’d all be dead. So I can deal with getting accustomed to this timeline. I also know the pain that sits in your heart because your sister sacrificed her life to bring me back. And not once have you ever made me feel guilty for being alive when she is not. All you’ve done is look at me and tell me that you’re glad I’m alive.”

Tears welled in my eyes again. I thought I was all cried out. Guess I was wrong.

“I know you would defend us with your dying breath. Even though I’d kick your ass for dying.”

I gave a faint smile.

“You tried your best. Despite what I saw when I time-walked, you made sure not to hurt Kana in the worst way. You once again put yourself in the center of danger to protect people. And you didn’t come out unscathed.” He came closer and took my hands in his. “A lot of bad has happened to us all and we don’t need to weigh whose burden is heavier, whose pain is stronger. But through it all you’ve tried to turn the bad to good, you’ve faced the danger.”

“But…”

“I’ve asked myself a similar question, you know,” he said. “I’ve thought about what it would be like to go through however many days I have left no longer having your friendship.” My throat grew tight. I blinked tears away, seeing them in Gideon’s eyes as well. “And then you disappeared into Drisdari Forest and I wanted to burn the entire thing down and fight every monster in there to find you.”

He squeezed my hands. “I don’t want any timeline where you aren’t my friend. I don’t want to forget you, I don’t want to end our friendship, I don’t want to lose you. Ever. Okay? That is my final answer.”

“Okay,” I said, giving him a smile. “I don’t want to lose you either. I’ll be back from Bastillen before too long.”

“I will be texting you constantly,” he said. “And we’re gonna need to talk about your sparring date with the auction winner soon, by the way.”

I gawked. “You aren’t serious.”

He smiled. “Despite my time-walking blip, the auction was a success and you made me twenty thousand.”

I groaned. “Gideon…”

“Oh, come on, you used to be a fighting instructor for crying out loud. Think of it as an extremely well-paid training session. Sensei Takahara could never.”

I sighed. “Fine.”

“Fantastic.” I scowled at his grin, then we hugged again. “I love you, you brat.”

“Love you, too, Gi.”

We let go, then Ashe trotted over and I broke the Portalorb, giving Gideon a wave before Ashe and I stepped through.