We come now to the darkest part of the dark tetrad—sadism. Sadism is taken from The Marquis de Sade, the eighteenth-century French writer, thinker, and philosopher whose most famous work is the novel, 120 Days of Sodom. Here’s a working definition of sadism:
Sadism involves gaining pleasure through themselves or others undergoing discomfort or pain. The opponent-process theory explains the way in which individuals not only display, but also take enjoyment in committing sadistic acts. Individuals possessing sadistic personalities tend to display recurrent aggression and cruel behavior. Sadism can also include the use of emotional cruelty, purposefully manipulating others through the use of fear, and a preoccupation with violence.
As I’ve explained, sadism is the missing element in the more frequently discussed ‘dark triad’ of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. You could create a highly effective method for pick-up using just those characteristics. However, sadism is necessary. As we saw in the last chapter on psychopathy, the truth (and it’s a dark truth indeed) is that a large proportion of women, and particularly hot women, are attracted to sadists.
As I mentioned at the beginning of this book, this is not a feel-good guide to dating. I am not interested in ethics or how we think things ‘should be’. I am interested instead in the reality of male-female dynamics. Here’s the deal: if you can show, or imply that you have a little bit of the sadist about you then you will do better with beautiful girls.
How do I know? Well, for one thing I am a regular at the huge London fetish party Torture Garden. I also frequent Berlin’s KitKat club when I’m in the city. As I’ve explained in my articles about these places, the truth is that I am not a hardcore fetishist. Truth be told, my sexual tastes are pretty vanilla. A hot girl sucking my dick and I’m happy.
However, I do have a certain fascination for S&M events. For a couple reasons. First, Torture Garden is probably the best club event in London right now. Second, you can have sex in certain areas of the venue without getting into trouble and last, the girls there are exceptionally hot.
If you imagine a fetish club to be full of creepy old weirdos in gimp suits then think again. The crowd at TG is largely young, fashionable, and—as far as the women are concerned—smoking. It surprised me when I first went, to see all of these very pretty, innocent-looking ‘good girls’ standing around in PVC skirts, topless, in expensive underwear, or bending over a punishment table getting spanked with a leather-studded paddle.
Surprising what some people will do for fun.
The point is that BDSM, a performative, ‘safe’ version of real sadism, is incredibly popular with hot girls. I’ve seen models there, strippers, actresses and so on. Real top notch 8s, 9s, and 10s. A much better-looking crowd than at other more conventional London clubs. In fact, I met two of the hottest girls I’ve ever had sex with in TG. And I’ve also had faster sex there than I have anywhere else, so horny are the women, and so turned on by the whole experience.
Why might this be? You could perhaps theorize that it is the 50 Shades of Grey effect. Certainly that book did a lot to popularize BDSM for a new audience of readers—so much so that Ann Summers came out with a cheesy Fifty Shades ‘bedroom kit’ that included a grey tie, a whip, and blindfold.
But I think it’s deeper than that. TG has been going for 25 years. It’s hardly a new phenomenon. Additionally, it’s pretty well known that women’s sexual fantasies are much wilder and more extreme than men’s. Don’t believe me? Try reading My Secret Garden by Nancy Friday. Some of the things in there will amaze you.
The point I’m making is that far from being shrinking violets or special snowflakes, girls are actually highly sexual creatures who can be into some pretty weird shit—particularly the hotter girls. Remember the girl who told me she wanted me to hurt her? At least an 8, probably 8.5.
My theory about this is that these hot girls are sick of vanilla, of hearts and flowers missionary-position sex that they can get with that nice guy from their local Bible study group. They’ve done that. Now what they really want is rough, hard, borderline abusive (consensual) sex with a hot guy who will dominate them and not take any shit.
There are some girls who are into the opposite—they like submissive men. I don’t have any statistics on this but I would imagine that that is an extremely small group (although there is a monthly club in London called Pedestal that caters to such a crowd). I’ve never been—the concept sounds antithetical to my interests—but I’ve been told by one girl I dated who has been that she largely does it because she meets guys there who get off on giving her money. That’s only one step from prostitution but hey, whatever works I guess.
In the sexual arena I think the symbolism of BDSM—the black leather, the studded accessories, thick belts, PVC and latex—turns girls on because it makes them feel submissive and powerless and feminine . That’s an extremely potent cocktail for any girl. That’s probably why rock stars often dress in an S&M inspired fashion. Even Justin Bieber had a BDSM theme for his last world tour. And there is definitely a crossover between that rock star biker look and the S&M thing that girls find a huge turn on.
So far I have only discussed sadism in the context of sex. That’s only one side of it. Sadism is about cruelty, whether that is expressed in a sexual way, a social way, or in the course of a romantic relationship.
There’s an important distinction to be made about the difference between sadism and psychopathy. While the latter includes some cruelty (we saw this in the last chapter) there is something much more overt about cruelty that comes from a sadistic place. The reason? Sadists cause pain because they enjoy it. It gives them actual pleasure to do so.
Let us return to Steve from the previous chapters. He had a sadistic streak for sure—I’ll give you a couple of examples to show you what I mean.
I recall talking to him once about some girl he’d just dumped, a cute blonde who worked in another department. How did she take the breakup, I asked him. He looked at me with that intense stare of his and said ‘I took her heart and I ripped it out and squeezed it dry.’ The relish with which he said it remained with me. I suppose there have been times when I’ve felt mildly elated about getting one over on a girl who was a total bitch but I can truthfully say that I’ve never felt that kind of glee about dumping someone.
Another story: One time he was still drunk from the night before and we were talking about Maria, the girl he dumped for Amanda—the one he eventually married. I had previously said a couple of times that I thought she was cute. On this occasion, he looked at me harshly and screwed up his face as he spoke.
‘You fancy her, don’t you? You fancy her and I’m fucking her.’
He said it with such ferocity that I was left in no doubt that he meant it to sting. It didn’t, because I have abundance mentality and I was sleeping with a couple of other girls anyway, but clearly he’d hoped that it would.
It was a blatant attempt at mental cruelty. In that moment he stepped over a boundary, broke a social contract. Here I was, a colleague at the same firm, supposedly an equal, and this guy wanted to see me upset because he was having sex with some girl I supposedly liked. I just laughed it off and the moment passed. But what stayed with me was the way in which he genuinely seemed keen to inflict emotional pain. I’d never seen anything quite like it—or rather, I’d never seen anyone being quite so overt about this before and it fascinated me.
Maybe you think Steve is just an asshole. Maybe you’re right. But—and this is the bit where all you sticklers for ethics need to shut your eyes and turn away for a minute—he was getting more pussy than I was, and with hotter girls.
As I said right at the beginning, there’s a balance to be found here. To many people, the notion of becoming sadistic just to bang hot women would be entirely reprehensible. Do I agree with those people? Jury’s out. All is fair in love and war. The ethical dilemma here is how far to go in pursuit or things that serve your interests without losing your soul. Given that the world is hugely unfair, full of assholes and psychos doing what the hell they like anyway, why not just throw up your hands and dive in, joining them in the bestial melee?
Steve probably has the highest lay-count of any natural I know. In fact, his notches, which I believe number 500, are on a par with various professional pick-up artists I know. He’s had a lot of pussy, in other words. And don’t be naïve enough to think that the girls he’s slept with don’t know what he’s like—of course they did. He was famous for pumping and dumping and for infidelities. Even if a girl had never met him before, the player vibe shone out of him brighter than a neon sign at midnight. The smell of freshly slayed vagina floated in his wake.
None of this should be news to you, of course. Girls like bad boys. You were aware of that before you picked up this book. What is perhaps more interesting though is the degree of ‘badness’ that turns the hottest ones on (because Steve wasn’t messing around with 6s). Here was a guy who would not only cheat on the girl and then dump her publicly after shagging one of her colleagues, he would also enjoy it. Like any sadist he would glory in the pain that he had caused and recount it gleefully afterwards. And yet the queue of girls stretched round the block. They’re still queuing for him.
What are we to make of this? Well first that it’s difficult to be too much of an asshole in the dating arena. And I guess what you might say in Steve’s defense is that he was only being his authentic self. What did he really want, when it came down to it? The same as every other guy wants, if he’s honest—to have sex with an endless supply of nubile, hot young girls. Ad infinitum. Until he dies
All Steve was doing was following that impulse selfishly and with huge focus. Perhaps there was something in the brashness with which he did so, in his utter lack of shame and guilt, which made him even more appealing. Perhaps the fact that he enjoyed causing pain and didn’t do anything to hide it was something that girls actually liked.
One thing we can be certain of, though, is this. Sadists are dangerous by definition and hot girls are drawn to danger like moths to the flame. Can you see by now why that might be? Because what is danger if it’s not sexy? Recall the previous chapter where we discussed losers, psychos and the clueless. The clueless are the least sexy, because they do nothing to shake up the status quo . In fact, they reinforce the status quo , actively believing in the lies they’ve been fed and doing everything they can to support what groupthink tells them is the right way to behave. That may be honorable, it may be noble, it may be commendable, but it sure as hell ain’t sexy.
‘Sexiness’ comes from stepping outside of social norms. From doing those things that you are not supposed to do. Things that are transgressive, bad and wrong. Why do you think criminals are sexy? How about baddies in movies? Heath Ledger as The Joker in Batman Returns is a classic example. In fact, when you think of those men that women are classically drawn to with their slicked-back hair and glinting, half-closed eyes, they always turn out to be the bad dude with the sadistic streak. In Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte, Mr. Rochester, the rich guy Jane falls in love with is a bit of a bastard. Arguably even a sadist. Or The Prime Minister by Anthony Trollope, where Emily Wharton falls in love with Fernando Lopez, a character who turns out to be unscrupulous and cruel. If you accept that women are turned on by bad boys, then this is totally understandable. After all, it is hard to conceptualize a ‘bad boy’ without imagining that he has at least a trace of cruelty in him.
Throughout my life I’ve seen so many examples of girls cleaving to men that have treated them badly that I can’t even recall them all. Like the young girls on Manchester estates who were forced to walk several paces behind their wannabe-gangster boyfriends. Or one girl I know well who entered into a full-on master-slave relationship with her first boyfriend for over two years. Or the girl who keeps going back to her cheating boyfriend. Or those women who sadly return time and again to physically abusive men.
A lot of the hottest girls are particularly prone to this kind of thing. I think in part because so many of them are screwed up themselves. I’ve met plenty of girls with daddy issues who wanted nothing more than to run into the arms of some sadistic brute. Such, it seems, is the way of things.
Where do we go with this? What application might it possibly have to game? This is a question for you as an individual. The evidence is out there. You know what women respond to (and I say respond to rather than ‘like’ purposefully). How far you want to take it is up to you.
I should say at this point that I am not in any way at all condoning abusive, threatening, violent or illegal behavior. That is absolutely reprehensible and men who physically and emotionally abuse women deserve every legal sanction that they get.
What I would say, though, is that you are almost certainly being far too nice. And when you juxtapose that against what women are really aroused by, you’ll see you are doing yourself a disservice in the dating marketplace.
Translating sadism into a more palatable game concept, the nearest thing that probably exists is what Blackdragon and others call ‘dread game’ which basically means being prepared to walk away. Showing her that you are strong, that you have other options, and that you will have no compunction moving on if she creates unnecessary drama that threatens your peace of mind or the harmony of your relationship.
Is this unethical? Perhaps. Some might say so. I think that you need to decide which measures you use depending on the situation you find yourself in. The unfortunate truth is that cruelty goes both ways in relationships. For example, I was cheated on by a girl in one of my very early relationships. When this came to light, instead of leaving her, or at least freezing her out for a while as I thought about what I wanted to do, I immediately forgave her and told her we’d work through it. Why did I do that? Because I was a needy idiot with no abundance mentality—I could never get a girl like her again—little self-esteem and no healthy boundaries. Inevitably, as we were ‘working through it’ she continued to cheat on me with more than one other guy. Finally, after some time, the relationship ended.
Would I have been justified in treating that girl cruelly for her behavior? No. But should I have had stronger boundaries and protected myself, even if my temporary withdrawal might perhaps have seemed cruel to her at the time? Yes, I think so.
Here we move slightly away from sadism and back to our earlier discussion of co-dependency. Once again, I would emphasize that what is important here is to carefully consider your boundaries and what you want out of life, not someone else. Then you should enforce those boundaries strongly.
Another example. Some time ago I split up with a girl I’d been dating for over a year. She had been living with me for some of that time. During our cohabitation, I felt that she was controlling, and also that I wasn’t being given the time to do those things that are really important to me in my life like writing or working on my business. Despite talking about these things on numerous occasions nothing changed. I told her things weren’t working for me and I asked her to move out. This presaged the start of several months of hell, during which she bombarded me with daily messages, and abused me in public several times when we met.
Undoubtedly she thought that I had been cruel—you might say sadistic —in ending the relationship so abruptly. Predictably this made her want me even more strongly, so much so that in the end when all other avenues had been explored she offered me a no-strings-attached sex arrangement, quite a considerable trade-down from our previous ‘couple living together with loads of happy shiny Instagram photos’-status. I turned down the ‘no strings’ arrangement as I felt that there had been too much history and that it wouldn’t end well.
There are two sides to every story, of course. My point, though, is this. Here is a woman who might feel that I had behaved cruelly, whereas I had only acted in accordance with my boundaries and what I believed to be right. You might argue that I was being kind, since it was pretty clear to me that both she and I wanted very different things. Rather than keeping the relationship going for the sake of convenience I brought it to a close early. Prolonging it would only have prolonged the arguments and pain.
What I hope you will take from this is that, rather than being cruel for its own sake (which I don’t condone) you shouldn’t be afraid to act in a way that might be construed as cruel by someone else if you are not actually harming them and if it is in your best interests to do so. You can see from my anecdote, it won’t reduce their attraction to you. More importantly you will have been true to yourself which will attract more respect than buckling under pressure.
Here is one area where you can employ a bit of sadism-lite. If you are currently not very sexually adventurous then you need to get yourself educated and fast, since girls these days are into all kinds of kinky things. If you are dull in bed then she’s going to dump you pretty quickly. In this day and age, a little hair-pulling and bum-spanking during sex are almost classed as vanilla. If all of this stuff is foreign to you then go online and gen up. This isn’t a sex guide so I’m not going to get into it here, but do your research and try out some new tricks.
Overall my take on sadism is this. I don’t condone cruelty to women or anyone else. That said, I do recommend having strong boundaries and sticking to them. You should bear in mind that sometimes people will levy accusations of ‘cruelty’ as a stick to beat you over the head with if your actions don’t mesh with what they want.
I also think that if you open your eyes you will see that we humans are a pretty messed up bunch and that there is something compelling about someone who is prepared to be wantonly unkind. The way I think we can use this ethically without harming anyone is to show the glint of our steel. A flash of the eyes, a cheeky raise of the eyebrows showing that we’re no-one’s fool and we’re not afraid to walk if someone treats us disrespectfully. Of course, if you’re spinning plates by seeing other girls then this will be so much easier as the loss of one won’t have so much of an impact. In this area the implication speaks so much more loudly than the actuality. Just giving off the impression that you are a man’s man who might just possess a cruel streak will be enough to get you that much closer to pussy Valhalla.