Me Ma and Dad went on the Indian Pacific and the Ghan up to Alice Springs. It was first class all the way.
They had a fancy cabin and they ate all their meals in the flash dinin room. All the way from home to Alice and back again they was drinkin top shelf grog and there was a chef preparin four-star tucker. Most of it looked just like that food ya see in them flash magazines or on them cookin shows on the telly.
Anyway, after a coupla days, Ma got sick of eatin all that fine food. Hated all the sauces and the way they stacked everything up. She used to git wild when they put her meat on top of the chips. ‘What stupid bastard come up with that idea? Don’t they know it makes the chips soggy?’ She reckoned the tucker was so fancy ya couldn’t tell what the fuck you was eatin half the time.
Anyway, this day she’s had a gutful so when the waiter comes up and asks em what they was havin for lunch, Dad orders up fancy like a big man. Then the waiter turns to Ma and says, ‘And what would madam like to eat today?’
Ma looks up at him and says in her sweetest voice, ‘Well, ya know, I wouldn mind havin somethin nice and simple. You know, like chops, tomato and some lettuce.’
The waiter looks at Ma. ‘I’ll see what I can do, Mrs Harris. I can’t promise anything, but I’m sure our chef would only be too happy to accommodate you.’
‘I’m sorry to be a nuisance,’ Ma replies, ‘but I would appreciate it, luv.’
So the waiter comes back with the tucker. He’s got Dad’s fancy feed of Veal Provencale with herb and cream noodles and a warm side salad. And for Ma he’s got a rack of lamb, some cherry tomatoes and a handful of rocket. He bungs it down in front of her with a flourish.
‘There you go, Mrs Harris. I think you’ll enjoy that.’
After the waiter leaves, Ma looks down at the tucker in disgust and starts pokin at it and movin it round on er plate.
‘Look at the size of these fuckin tomatoes, will ya?’ she says to Dad. ‘And what kinda lettuce is this supposed ta be?’
‘I dunno, Beryl. Anyway, stop makin a fuss and eat the fuckin thing.’
‘I don’t think I will,’ Ma reckons. ‘I mean, Roy, we paid a lotta money to come on this trip. Ya think they could serve up some decent size tomatoes. And another thing,’ she says, turnin the racks of lamb this way and that, ‘would it have killed em to cut up the chops?’
One time, on the trip they took to Alice, Ma and Dad decide to go and visit Coober Pedy. They visit all the underground museums and shops. They fossick for opals and drink beer in the pub and mingle with the locals.
One fulla asks Ma if she and Dad was gunna stay in the underground hotel for the night.
No way, Ma reckons. She’s gunna have to spend the rest of her life underground when she’s dead.