Are
You
All Right?

“What’d you do? Oh my God. Venus, what’d you do?”

“Something I’ve been wanting to do for months, years.”

I rubbed my hand over the moist texture. “It feels so good.” I had a nice long weekend to adjust to the nakedness and I was feeling confident.

“But you cut it all off. I mean that was kinda drastic, don’t you think?” Sherri had one foot in my office. The other half was standing in the corridor. As the receptionist she had to appear as if she was minding the fort, even though she spent a good amount of her time with her head stuck in my office telling me about her grown boys at home who didn’t know how to clean up after themselves. Just unleash them on the innocent.

“It was all or nothing. So—” I ran my hand down the back of my head again. “Do you like it or not?” I asked, honestly seeking her approval.

“You’re wearing it, girl. It’s a look everybody can’t pull off, but you’re wearing it. See, my head is too big for something like that, not to mention, my behind. But you got that petite little figure. Um hum. Yeah, you can pull that off. It looks good.”

“Thank you, Sherri.” I gave the signal that I’d had enough by turning my attention to the report I was working on.

“Has John or Lenny seen it yet, your new look?” Sherri asked, with hopes of being the first. Lenny Kramer and John Donnely were the owners of this great establishment. I knew Sherri was dying to be the first one to announce my new do. She made it her business to try to be more important than she really was by being the information bureau. Who was seen yelling at who, where so-and-so went with so-and-so.

“No, I don’t think so.” I had come to work early to avoid all the first stares. I let out an exasperating sigh to let her know I was annoyed by the fact that she was still there. This time I picked up the phone, pretending to make a phone call. She left silently.

“Knock knock.” Ray Chambers slid in and shut the door behind him. “Hello, Venus.” He pulled up a chair instantly without an invitation. For some reason, Ray thought he was the resident arbitrator and psychologist. He always inquired about my health and well-being. All of our conversations were one-way. He avoided questions about his personal life. In fact, no one, not even Sherri, seemed to know his story. His Native American features were a trap as far as I was concerned. Underneath his soft eyes that turned into small slits when he smiled was just an average white guy whose loyalties remained in the right wing.

“Good morning, Ray. What can I do for you?” I leaned directly into his view so that he couldn’t move his eyes around my head without being too obvious.

“I like your new look.”

“Thank you, Ray.”

“I just wanted to see how you were coming along with the research on the Beatrice Brand Foods Survey. We’re going to meet some time next week.” He was relaxed, keeping his gaze on my eyes. He was better at this game than I thought.

“Oh, it’s coming along. I had Elliot do the data entry yesterday, so we should be getting some numbers out by the end of today. So whenever you’re ready is fine with me.”

“Great, great.” He smiled. “Okay then. I’ll talk to you later.” He rose up and headed toward the door. He stopped and turned on the heels of his loafers. “Are you all right, Venus? I mean, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Ray, I’m fine. Why do you ask?”

He moved toward me and leaned on the back of the chair. “I just wanted to check on you. I wasn’t sure if it was my imagination or if you were having some problems you might want to discuss.”

I smiled for him. “I promise, you would be the first one I’d tell.”

“You’re fine, I mean everything is going okay for you? You’re not depressed about anything? You know I will keep the strictest confidence.”

I walked around my desk and stood in front of him. I straightened his bright yellow tie that was blinding me. “Thank you for your concern, Ray. I’m fine, really. It’s just a style, not a statement of some kind. I’m not trying to be a radical feminist or anything.”

“Oh, I wasn’t referring to your hair.” His eyes finally focused on my head. “It’s different, I like it.” He put his hand on my shoulder for a brief instant, then turned and left.

I had that icky feeling of my space being invaded. I needed air. My hair was my business, but I knew everyone would make it theirs.

“Sherri, I’m going down for a donut. I’ll be back in a few.” I moved swiftly past her.

“Sure thing, sweetie.”

Now I was sweetie. Was I that pathetic looking? I didn’t have the energy to put her in check. The elevator doors opened before I could push the down button, and John, Lenny, and about six others from the office stood there completely speechless. I stepped back to let them get off first, but no one moved.

“Good morning.” I spoke a little too loud.

“Good morning,” John finally muttered. The others followed suit. I stepped on the elevator and only breathed once the doors were tightly shut. I could see myself in the reflection of the chrome doors. Yes, it was me. I was the same person I was Friday when I’d left here. I’d taken a little more care in my makeup application since I had an extra twenty minutes to spare not fighting with my hair. My eyes seemed a little wider, more intense, almost like an infant who searches for understanding in everything she sees. My nose seemed suddenly too broad, but I knew that was just an institutionalized flaw of my thinking.

I stepped off the elevator and headed toward the sunlit doorway. When the gush of cold wind hit me, I felt a tingly sensation that ran through my body. I walked one block to the Pastry Pantry and bought the biggest donut in the glass case and two dozen more for the morning meeting.

The walk back was brisk, but the frigid air didn’t hurt this time. I was too tense to feel anything.

“Hey, Sherri, has the meeting started yet?”

“I saw a few go in that direction, but not everybody.”

I headed toward the conference room with the box of donuts in one hand and my bag with the cinnamon roll as big as a saucer in the other.

I put the donuts in the center of the large cherry wood table. Several managers were already inside and didn’t waste time grabbing the pastries and mumbling “thank you” through full mouths. I took my usual seat. Saige, our comptroller, walked in after me.

“Hi, Venus.” She went straight for the donuts. Her excess poundage wasn’t concerned with my new look. Jenny, the new girl, smiled at me and sat down. She chose a chair at random, Ray’s seat. I snickered at the awkwardness it would cause.

Dominick Santos, the only other minority besides Sherri and me, came in. He gave a quick wave and sat down on the other end of the table. Lenny and John finally arrived and started the meeting. Each person from their department gave a heads up. When it was my turn to speak, I rose slowly, feeling like everyone was staring at my hair. My words came out thick and jumbled. Ray’s face was covered with worry. When I ended my brief presentation by asking if there were any questions, his hand flew up.

My knees went wobbly. “Yes?” I crossed my arms over my chest in defense mode, ready to hear an inquiry about my hair.

“Are there any more of the donuts left with the little sprinkles on top?” He winked at me.

I thanked him with my eyes, grateful for him breaking up the tension I’d created.

The truth was, I’d never really be free until I stopped worrying about what other people were thinking. I could cut my hair bald, get tattoos and a nose ring, but it wouldn’t mean anything as long as I was looking for acceptance.