In Too Deep

The hospital staffers had a potluck in the dining room. He hadn’t been able to eat all day. His stomach was in knots. He had taken the leap off the deep end asking Kandi to marry him. With the snap of a finger, his whole life had changed. He’d been pushing himself through this day, trying not to think too hard about it, but it kept popping up in his mind. Am I doing the right thing? He hadn’t spent a whole lot of time around Kandi. Not like he’d spent with Venus.

“What’s up, partner? I hear we’re going to be working together.”

Clint felt a hand land on his back. He turned around to see Eddie standing close behind. They hadn’t seen each other since the boys’ night out, the night Clint had met Kandi.

“E-man. What’s up?”

“You accepted the offer from Greater Washington Health?” Eddie asked.

“Yep. Time to get paid, man.” They slapped hands.

“So what’s in line for celebration?” Eddie was staring eagerly up at Clint. He depended on Clint and Kurt to attract the women while he stood idly by waiting for one of them to fall off and land on him by accident.

“Not much. Me and my lady’ll probably go out, do something.” Clint responded.

“You and Venus back together, man?” Eddie assumed the answer was yes. “That’s cool.” He reached down to stop his pager from singing. “Aay, check you later man, got to go. If you change your mind, give me a call.”

Clint continued filling in charts. He didn’t really know how to answer Eddie, anyway. That’s not the kind of thing you brag about, being engaged to someone you’ve only known for two minutes of your life. He didn’t want to explain who his lady was, that they’d met a solid month ago, four weeks if anyone was counting. How after two bottles of domestic wine, he believed he had found true love, the kind that doesn’t run or hide from problems, the kind that holds you tight and lets you fail without judgment. He’d seen all of that staring into Kandi’s eyes that night. Or maybe he’d just seen Venus, the way she used to be. The way she was before she’d decided Clint was nothing more than a T-bond waiting for maturity.

He and Venus had stopped talking so long ago. The conversations were always progress updates. Pep talks for striving harder, strategies for competing stronger. For all of which he was appreciative. He’d achieved the final goal. Dr. Clint Fairchild. But whose goals were they, really? His brother’s? Venus’s? All the work, sweat, and tears, and never once did he feel like he was doing it for himself, more so to make Cedric proud and to keep Venus happy. She wanted to marry a doctor. She’d said that to him, those very words. “I want to marry a doctor, not a pharmacist,” she’d responded when he’d confided to her that he didn’t think he could pass the medical board exams. Pharmaceutical school was his alternative, an option. But that wouldn’t do. It wasn’t enough.

Venus was definitely a believer in standing by her man, behind him, pushing, shoving, and whatever else had to be done to achieve the necessary goals. Her goals. Clint finally put the pen down when he realized the smudge marks were the result of his own tears.

He was tired. He attempted to wipe his eyes dry with one finger, but only more tears followed, leaking onto the paper in front of him, making it more illegible as the blue ink trailed over the page. He laid his head down on his white sleeve and heaved deeply. He let the pain wash through him and didn’t try to suppress the coarse sobbing. He was all out of ideas on how to fix things. He’d always had the answer when someone else couldn’t find their way. He’d always had a solution for his friends when they were having woman trouble. So simple, why couldn’t I think of that? But here, sitting in his own mess, his life, he had not a single answer. He just wanted to be home, wherever that may be. He wanted to go home and lay his head down, transfer his burdens in love’s arms, stay a while. Where did he have to go? Who loved him?

Clint lifted his head up and pressed the salty tears away, this time for good. The time had come when he had to take control and make decisions. His life depended on it.