My mom has always said, “You make time for what is important to you.” She would say this when people would ask how she found time to volunteer, paint, or even go on walks with a neighbor, despite having two children, a husband, and a full-time job. What seemed a trite phrase to me as a teenager has turned into my heart song as an adult. I realize now how wise my mom was to make time for those things that were important to her.
The prioritization of our passions benefits us in every way—internally (spiritually, mentally, and emotionally) and externally (in our relationships with other people and how we interact with them). We are more fulfilled, which leads to greater joy and peace. I know that when I make time for myself, I am a better wife, mom, friend, and co-worker because I am happier and more balanced emotionally.
I was so inspired by Jess Lively when she shared with me her “private victory practice” that she does first thing every morning when she wakes up. Jess is a married businesswoman in Austin, and she started this habit after reading Stephen Covey’s book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. In the book, Covey writes about a habit he calls sharpening the saw, saying,
[Sharpening the saw] is preserving and enhancing the greatest asset you have—you. It’s renewing the four dimensions of your nature—physical, spiritual, mental, and social/emotional. . . . It means exercising all four dimensions of our nature, regularly and consistently in wise and balanced ways. . . .
This is the single most powerful investment we can ever make in life—investment in ourselves, in the only instrument we have with which to deal with life and to contribute.1
To practice this in her own life, Jess starts her day by reading—first a spiritual book, then a business book. After she completes her reading, she makes time to exercise. Typically the whole process takes an hour.
“It is by far my favorite thing that I do for myself in the day,” said Jess. “It sets me in a good place, and I am much more balanced. Because I am so devoted to the practice and how it makes me feel, I rarely skip it.”2
Kat Lee is another woman who prioritizes herself at the start of the day. Her Hello Mornings blog has inspired thousands of women around the world to do the same. Kat shared with me that her morning practice of spending time reading the Bible, praying, journaling, and exercising was the result of an evening prayer time when she felt like the Lord prompted her to begin waking up early.
When I asked Kat how it impacted her life, she said, “It has changed me on so many levels. I am so much more grounded now. It’s just like any athlete before they go out on the field. They don’t just get there, jump out of their car, and run onto the field. They stop, they talk to the coach, they get a vision for the game, they get a game plan, they talk with their teammates, and then they are ready to get out on the field.”
Kat went on to explain, “The time for me in the morning is the same. It allows me to say, ‘Okay, God, what is on your heart for me today? What do I need to pray for my kids? How do I need to encourage them? How do I need to encourage my husband?’”
Kat’s intentionality hasn’t made things perfect. She admits, “It’s definitely been a consistent growing process, not an overnight transformation, but I get out of the gate a lot better than I used to. I think it comes out to my kids and to my husband in my attitude, grounding, and getting a better idea of who I am, who God made me to be, and what he wants me to do.”3
Both Jess and Kat exemplify the importance of prioritizing ourselves and practicing self-care. Their morning practices have become a regular part of their lives, and they have seen the fruit of their actions. Prioritizing will look different for different people. It might be having a nonnegotiable class you attend at the gym or fifteen minutes of quiet journaling in the evening. You need to find ways that work for you.
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Are you intentional about prioritizing yourself? If so, in what ways? If not, how can you be better at this practice? |
Organize Your Life to Include You
We weren’t created for a 24-7 lifestyle. If we don’t make time for self-care and the things we love, we will break. Many women live the rat race of going, going, going, putting themselves last and making their desires the lowest priority on the never-ending to-do list. Everything else is a higher priority. The very act of self-care seems selfish and becomes something that’s easy to ignore, because frankly, who has time for sewing and running when the laundry is overflowing from baskets and bellies will be hungry soon?
However, even when I feel that pressure, I am ruthless about making me a priority so that I don’t stay overwhelmed for very long. I have learned that I have to organize my life to include time for me and my own personal priorities, no matter how busy life gets. Because when I do that, life is better.
You need to do the same in your life. It can be difficult to ascertain how to go about doing this—particularly when you are juggling a lot of responsibilities—but I promise you, it’s possible.
The fact that you picked up this book is evidence that you are hungry for some time to do what you love. Still, I know how hard it is to admit that “my wellness matters.”
And it does matter.
In leadership and marketing expert Michael Hyatt’s YouTube series “5 Days to Your Best Year Ever,” he says, “The way that you find time is you make time because you don’t get any more of it. You have to figure out in the context of your own priorities what’s important and give yourself to those, because most of us are overrun with the urgent. So we sacrifice the important on the altar of the urgent, and we never get to those things that really matter. That’s gotta be reversed if you’re going to make progress. You’ve got to schedule the important things.”4
As I mentioned earlier, I have chronic daily migraines and issues with my neck and back that cause me pain on a regular basis. For years I had doctors recommend that I routinely get massages, but it always seemed too expensive and not a high enough priority to plan into my regular schedule. One Christmas a friend gave me a gift card for a massage at Massage Envy, which is a chain where people can sign up for a monthly massage membership. After using my gift card there, I decided on a whim to become a member.
That decision has changed my life because now I am consistently taking care of my body in a way I had never previously experienced. The membership fee is automatically deducted from our bank account every month, and a representative from the studio calls to ask when I would like to schedule my massage.
Once I started getting those monthly massages that had been recommended, I felt better. The expense wasn’t the burden I had thought it would be for so long. The monthly massage membership works so well for me because it is scheduled into my life. It is now a part of our family’s normal. And it means I’m taking care of myself in a way that benefits both me and my family.
Jessica Honegger is a savvy businesswoman and founder of Noonday Collection, a company that creates economic opportunity for the vulnerable by partnering with artisans to make fashionable products. She is also married and the mother of three children. Running a business, caring for her children, and investing in her marriage are more than a full-time job for Jessica. Still, she realizes how important it is that she makes time for herself. She shared with me that part of that equation for her is deliberately investing in friendships outside of work. “For me it is definitely knowing myself and knowing my needs, which is to connect with people outside of work. My job is a people job, and it would be easy to think that I have plenty of friends . . . [but] I have to be intentional about it.”5
Jessica is a great example for us to emulate. Her commitment to scheduling time for herself and with those she loves is critical to her well-being, which has a ripple effect on her family and her business.
Scheduling set periods of time in your days and weeks to be reserved for your own needs is the only way to ensure consistent investment in yourself. You may find an extra few minutes here and there even without scheduling, but it is the consistent, scheduled time that really results in significant growth and clarity of self.
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What are three changes you could make to your schedule to be more proactive about making time for yourself? |
Learn to Say No
Prioritizing what’s most important also means saying no to things that are less important. Too often we say yes when we really need to say no. Learning how to say no is a healthy way to set boundaries and limit the ways you spend your time, energy, and resources. In the past, I have always been the first to volunteer and say yes to everything. Over time, I have learned that this leads to me being overextended, exhausted, and not pleasant to be around. Now I give myself permission to say no, to stick to my decision, and to not feel guilty about it. I prioritize what really matters and say no to the rest. Moreover, I have learned that while I sometimes regret saying yes, I never regret saying no.
Karen, a mom of three in California, has a beautiful singing voice. Her daughter is in a group called American Heritage Girls (an organization similar to Brownies), and the troop leader, whom I’ll call Mary, is always asking for parent volunteers. When Mary asked if Karen would like to be the troop’s worship leader, Karen politely declined, offering to help with snacks instead.
A few weeks later, Karen was singing with some of the girls on a camping trip, and Mary again asked if Karen would be the troop’s worship leader. Karen once again declined, saying, “I’m sorry, but I also have two boys in baseball. I’m not sure if my daughter will always be able to make every meeting. So I don’t want to commit to the position.”
Mary shook her head knowingly in response. “Oh, you’re one of those moms who have trouble committing.”
With a deep breath, Karen replied, “I don’t have trouble committing, and my answer is no.”6
Karen understands the importance of saying no sometimes.
Yes is so often the expected response that a no can be difficult to both give and receive. We get emails asking for volunteers, and if the slots don’t fill up fast enough, more emails come pressuring us to respond because not enough people have signed up. If we still don’t volunteer to help, we’re looked at as “uncommitted.” As one woman from our survey put it, “Saying no is almost considered unladylike. We are expected to please everyone to the point of exhaustion and emptiness.”
Women need to be kinder to themselves and to one another. I am not saying that you should never offer to help out or to volunteer at your child’s school. If your child is on a soccer team and everyone is asked to bring snacks, sign up. (But don’t feel like you have to bring watermelon chunks cut like stars and homemade lemonade. Keep it simple so that you don’t become overwhelmed.)
What I am telling you is that if someone says they cannot help, do not judge her. Instead, ask if you can help her. Ask if she needs anything. Or just say, “It’s really great that you know your limits and said no. I respect that.” And mean it.
Kristen recounted a time when she had committed to be with a friend for the afternoon. The friend was going through a dark season in her life—one Kristen had also experienced in her past. Kristen knew the pain her friend was going through. But after committing to that afternoon with her friend, Kristen looked at her to-do list and realized that the outing would result in a lot of stress in her own life. So after making sure that her friend was doing better, Kristen made the tough (but wise) decision to reschedule for another day.
When Kristen reached out to her friend and explained the situation, the friend was quick to affirm Kristen’s decision. She explained that she was doing better and that she was thankful for Kristen’s friendship even if they needed to reschedule.7
As you say no to things more often, you will start to recognize two truths:
- People don’t usually react negatively. While it’s true that some people will judge you for saying no, you’ll also find that most people admire someone who is able to set boundaries and stick with them.
- You will experience more peace. Not living an overscheduled life filled with things you don’t want to do is very liberating.
Our society places value on productivity and getting a lot done. I’m amazed when I hear of parents discussing all of the extracurricular activities they have their four-year-old enrolled in. All too often parents seem unable to say no to societal pressure for childhood performance, and this manifests itself in adulthood too. But saying no is what reduces commitments and creates margin in your life. You become more easily able to focus on the tasks at hand. More importantly, you can carve out time for yourself.
Mandy from Phoenix, who works part time and has three young children, shared with me that she says no to things that will make her yell at her kids. At first I was confused by this statement, but I understood what she meant when she gave this example:
I have made it my goal this year that if it is going to make me yell at my kids, don’t do it. I was thinking about signing them up for T-ball, and I thought to myself, soccer this past semester was a battle. It was a battle to get them to practice. It was a battle when we were there. I ended up grumpy every time. I always ended up yelling at them to get into the car, get out of the car, get dressed—and I thought, “This is supposed to be fun for them, and it turns into Mom yelling at them.” So I have tried to simplify their lives by limiting their activities and letting them be kids and not have Mom yell at them to hurry up all the time.
Mandy’s example of saying no perfectly illustrates how saying no to some things can also have a positive impact on our families. Because of Mandy’s decision, she is able to parent more effectively, experience more margin in her days, and be happier. Equally important, her children also experience these benefits.
Creative Ways to Say No
In her incredible book The Mother’s Guide to Self-Renewal, Renée Peterson Trudeau lists nine creative ways to say no, which I have listed below with my own examples. This list has been a critical tool for me as I have learned to say no in more situations, and I hope it is a useful resource for you:
- Just No: “Thanks, but I won’t be able to do that.”
- The Gracious No: “I’m so thankful you asked me, but I won’t be able to commit.”
- The “I’m Sorry” No: “I would love to, but my schedule won’t allow for it. I’m sorry.”
- The “It’s Someone Else’s Decision” No: “I have committed to my therapist that I will not take on any more projects right now. I’m working to create more margin in my life.”
- The “My Family Is the Reason” No: “We appreciate the invitation, but my daughter has a dance recital that day, so we won’t be able to attend.”
- The “I Know Someone Else” No: “I am not able to help with that project, but I know the perfect person who might be able to help.”
- The “I’m Already Booked” No: “Thank you for asking, but I have an appointment that day.”
- The “Setting Boundaries” No: “That is more than I can do right now, but here is what I could commit to . . . ”
- The “Not No, but Not Yes” No: “Let me think about it. Could I get back to you next week?”8
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When was the last time you were asked to do something or participate in something that you didn’t want to do? Should you have said no? If so, consider the list above and craft replies you can use next time you’re in a similar situation. |
In addition to saying no, it is important to create boundaries in your life. By setting boundaries, you are defining how you spend your time and emotional energy, and you’re controlling your self-care. When it comes to no longer being everything for everyone, you must set boundaries with your time and in your relationships.
Boundaries with Our Time
Because our time is limited, establishing clear boundaries for how we spend it is very important. I spoke with Ali Edwards, a self-employed creative entrepreneur and divorced mother of two children, about time boundaries. She said,
My goal is to be done with my workday at 5:00 so that I can hang out with the kids and be fully present with them, hanging out, making dinner, swimming lessons, and not going back to work when they go to bed. The time when I feel the most “boundaried” is when I am operating in that sphere. I feel like things are humming then. I am getting personal reading or projects done that I would want to do at night, or I’m going to bed at 9:00 p.m., which means I am getting good sleep.
Of course, Ali struggles with time like most women, and at times she doesn’t live in a place of healthy boundaries. I appreciated her honesty and vulnerability when she shared,
I have also been in the places where I am barely looking at my children because I am so focused on whatever the project or distraction is. . . . I know that when I am in it and I don’t like it. I feel it. I can feel like I am looking at my kids and I am not really looking at them. . . . My body is there and my mind is somewhere else completely. That is a horrible feeling. . . . Sometimes I am so distracted by work or other personal relationships, and that is when I am the least “boundaried” and the least present.9
Delineating time dedicated to certain activities and then working within those defined parameters is healthy.
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Is there a time of day when you could have better boundaries? If so, write about it and consider how you can make changes to better manage that time. |
Boundaries in Our Relationships and Commitments
In the book Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No, the authors write, “Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership.”10 I have learned that being aware of my own boundaries in relationships is key to me not overcommitting or doing something I am not comfortable with.
This is particularly important in our relationships. We all know people who tend to overstep their bounds. Maybe it is a mother-in-law who tells you how to run your house or a parent at school who always manages to get you to volunteer for events you don’t want to participate in. These types of people can be very draining on us emotionally, demanding too much of our time and energy. For you to be the best woman you can be, you need to put boundaries around those relationships.
Many women often feel like Kim, who said in my survey, “Sometimes life gets in the way—everyone wants just a little bit of me, but the sum of that sometimes equals none of me left for me.” I totally understand how Kim feels and have been in that place.
Take a situation that happened with the parent advisory council at my children’s school. When I first joined, I recommended to the board chair that the school create a private Facebook group for parents in the school. Because I am a blogger and am active in social media, I think the chair expected that I would then volunteer to run it. I didn’t, despite a few emails requesting that someone volunteer.
Running that Facebook group would have been just one “little bit” more for me to do. But like Kim said, those little bits add up. I knew my limits. And though it was something that I was capable of doing, I didn’t have the desire or the margin to do it well. I acted within the confines of the boundaries I’d set and didn’t let my relationship with the school or commitment to the board influence that decision.
When establishing boundaries in your relationships, you need to first identify what your limits are. That way you will be aware when people push those limits. Also pay attention to how you feel. If someone makes you feel uncomfortable, chances are they might be crossing a boundary.
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How can you better establish boundaries in your relationships? |
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Is there someone in your life who often oversteps their bounds? If so, what do you need to say to them to establish healthier boundaries? |
Eliminate Unreasonable Expectations
My husband says that I get more done from 5:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m. than most people get done from 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. He’s kidding, of course, but what he is really saying is that I work really efficiently, especially in those early morning hours. For example, during that period of time before work, I’ll write for an hour or two, get showered and ready for the day, dress the kids and get them ready for preschool, empty the dishwasher, and fold a load of laundry.
Because I typically complete all these tasks with no trouble, I sometimes will try to work something extra in. Oh, we’re having company over tonight. I’ll throw in a batch of brownies. Oh, I forgot to take those pictures for the blog. Can we do a quick photo shoot?
It’s when I add in too many extras that the wheels start to come off the tracks. I fall prey to an unreasonable expectation that because I always accomplish a lot in the morning, I can easily do a little more. But I can’t.
Unreasonable expectations for what we can accomplish in a given period of time set us up for failure. We need to manage our time well and prioritize our activities. Think about your commitments and skills before committing to do something. When we realistically prioritize and plan for what we can accomplish during a given period of time, we will meet the moments with grace and assurance instead of haste and frustration.
No one knows you better than you know yourself. You know what your limits are. Embrace those limitations not as something negative but as realistic opportunities to do what only you can do. You will enjoy what you have before you in a much more positive, less stressed manner. Furthermore, you will then be able to recognize when you have overcommitted and be able to manage the situation easier.
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Think about a time when you thought you could accomplish a task and then it took longer than you expected. What did you learn from that experience? |
I grew up in a home where the kitchen was left spotless every night. My mom was diligent about hand washing the items too big for the dishwasher and not leaving so much as a crumb on the counter. She worked hard to instill these good habits in my sister, Melissa, and me. “I rinse, you load,” Mel would say to me. Looking back, this must be why I am so particular about how the dishwasher is loaded.
When dinner was cleaned up, I would usually shower, read, and go to bed. I hated staying up late to work on homework and would often set my alarm early to finish it before the rest of the house was stirring. Two decades later, I still would rather get up early than stay up late to do just about anything . . . and that includes dishes.
After dinner nowadays, it is bath time for the little ones. Because I work full time, at night I want to spend as much time with the kids as possible. So after we finish dinner, the dishes go on the counter, and we all head upstairs for bath time, jammies, play, stories, and so on. Many nights, by the time all that is done, cleaning up dinner is the last thing I want to do. Instead I want to do the things that I love. I want to craft. I want to hang with my husband. I want to watch Homeland.
So what do I do?
I leave the dishes. Yep. I will put away any leftover food and wipe the counters. But the dishes can wait. And they do.
I remember the first time I saw this habit validated by someone else. Ali Edwards, who I mentioned earlier, was documenting her family’s week for a project she does called Week in the Life. Each day she posted photos from her family’s life—photos of reading, eating breakfast, play time, and (once) dishes left out from dinner the night before. That single photo made me feel so good. I’m not the only one! Other moms do it too.
A similar photo I posted two years later validated my readers in the same way. One morning I Instagrammed a sink and counter full of mixing bowls and dishes, along with the words, “Some nights, it’s easier to leave the dishes till morning.” The photo really resonated with women, receiving numerous likes and comments in agreement, such as:
I am with YOU! I can handle them much better in the morning than the night before. —Meagan_smith
Cleaned last night’s dishes this morning! Glad to know I’m not the only one. :) —Christinav0708
Been there, done that! —Bunky1012girl
I know that if I prioritized chores every night over making time for myself, I would be miserable. In a video on family and calling with authors and speakers Rebekah Lyons and Jennie Allen, Rebekah said, “I’m showing my kids what it looks like to faithfully obey in a way that is not buttoned up with a pretty bow and kept. What they saw before—the first ten years of my marriage and into raising littles—was a house that was never dirty and a voice that was never heard, and so I’d rather live in the place where the house is messed up and I am letting what God wants me to speak into find its way.”11
As women today, we need to consider if the ways we are spending our time are equally balanced. If you are someone who makes little time for herself, I would ask you to consider shifting your priorities. It might mean that one night a week you let the dishes go. I promise that the results will be worth the cleanup the next morning.
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What is one thing you can let go during the week so that you can have an evening dedicated to taking care of you? |
It’s Not Easy, but It’s Worth It
I’m not saying that prioritization is easy, because it’s not. But what I am saying is that it is worth it. By unapologetically making priorities that include taking care of yourself and pursuing your passions, you are making an investment that no one else can do for you. It is an investment that says, I need this time and I am worth it. I work hard and need to refuel.