Chapter Eight

“A pact.” It was at least the dozenth time I’d said the words since Darla had pulled away from me and the kiss that I definitely did not want to stop. No matter how many times I said the word out loud, it didn’t make any sense. In fact, it only got more confusing. “It doesn’t make any sense. Does it?”

I looked around the table we’d gathered at in the back of a pub that Trent assured me would be discreet about who I was, if they even noticed. So far, no one had and the Cliffhanger was quickly becoming my favorite place in town.

Trent and Shane exchanged a glance. Phillip raised his eyebrows as he lifted his beer to his mouth, and Dylan simply shook his head and muttered something under his breath. But no one answered me.

“Seriously?” I looked once more around the table. “You’re going to make me say it out loud again? This doesn’t make any sense, does it? A pact? I mean—”

“It’s their thing,” Trent finally said. “The girls. They’ve been friends since they were kids and…well, they’re really close.”

“That doesn’t explain what this pact is.” I took a deep drink from my glass, relishing the taste of the cold beer. It was a luxury I didn’t usually allow myself when I was training for a role. More and more, I was enjoying this time off. “Anyone?”

Again, the men all exchanged glances and avoided eye contact. Finally, it was Shane who set his beer down and looked me in the eye.

“Okay,” he started. “This is going to sound stupid.”

“It can’t possibly sound any worse than it already does.” Never mind the various versions of an explanation I’d run through in my head already. The truth would be a welcome break.

“It started with Abby,” Shane said. “The abridged version is, she got herself in a little trouble with Phillip here.” He gestured with his head. “And…well, I won’t go into the details of the indecent proposal he made her, but basically the pact started because the girls all encouraged her to go for it.” He used air quotes. “Basically, to let loose and throw caution to the wind, the way they would have done twenty years ago. Just have fun and see what happened.”

“Okay.” I drew the word out, still unclear.

“So what that meant for Abby was—”

“I’ll tell this part.” Phillip cut Shane off smoothly with a wide grin before he turned to me. “What it meant was that they were more or less giving each other permission to be a little wild and explore parts of themselves that they’d shut off over the years. For Abby, that meant me and, while I don’t want to kiss and tell…it was a very enjoyable exploration.”

I chuckled, more than getting the point.

“For Jessie, that meant throwing caution to the wind and going for a one-night stand with a mysterious biker.”

“I take it that was you?” I asked Shane with another laugh.

He nodded. “Sure was.” He flashed a grin. “For Brittany, it was—”

“A little more complicated.” Trent took over the story. “She’s not really the type of woman who likes to be told what to do.”

I nodded. That was clear to see.

“So she signed on for the pact before the others could pressure her into it. We had an arrangement that was only supposed to be temporary so she could give her friends something to talk about. And, well…” He wiggled his ring finger, a band of gold proudly on display. “So much for temporary.”

All eyes shifted to Dylan, who was focused intently on the beer in front of him. He and Sandy were the most recent couple to hook up and, up until this conversation, I had taken at least some of the credit because my movie screenings were instrumental in their relationship. Of course, that was before I knew about whatever this pact was.

Dylan shrugged. “We all know how it worked out for us,” he said. “The girls challenged her to go for it.” He rolled his eyes as he said the words. “With me at the ranch. I was going to be her fling to get it out of her system. And she was supposed to be…well…the best-laid plans and all that.” He grinned and immediately tried to hide it by lifting his glass to his mouth.

Before I could respond to everything I’d just learned, the waitress appeared at the table to deliver a fresh jug of beer and the chicken wings we’d ordered. Instinctively, I lowered my head so she couldn’t identify me, but it was too late.

“Blaze Barron?”

I lifted my head and looked at the young waitress with a nod.

“I thought that was you,” she said. “My boyfriend loves your movies. I mean, I do, too,” she added quickly as Trent laughed.

“Thank you,” I said graciously. “That’s always nice to hear.”

She smiled again and glanced around. “Don’t worry, I won’t say anything to anyone about you being here. I know how it can be. My cousin’s friend from school was in this television show a few years ago, and the media wouldn’t leave her alone.” She nodded conspiratorially. “I won’t say a word.”

I believed her. “I appreciate that.” Just as she would appreciate the large tip I planned to leave her. “More than you know.”

“No problem.” She turned her attention back to the others. “You guys just let me know if you need anything else, okay?”

“I always forget that you’re kind of a big deal now,” Trent said when she’d left. “But not to worry, I won’t let it go to your head.”

“I can always count on you.” I chuckled. “Now, can we get back to the matter at hand? This pact…you all say that, basically, the entire reason you’re with your partner is that as a group, the ladies decided to leave inhibitions behind and go for it? Do I have that right?”

There was murmuring and nodding.

“Honestly,” Phillip jumped in, “it doesn’t make much sense to me that Darla’s part of the pact, actually. She’s always been a bit more of a…well, a free spirit, I guess. She and Britt were the two who were never interested in a relationship. Only while Brittany was married to her career before Trent, Darla just didn’t want to be tied down to one man. But…and maybe I shouldn’t be saying this…but Abby’s told me how jealous they all used to be of Darla and all the amazing sex she was always having while the rest of them were missing out. I’m surprised that she’s even involved with the pact at all.”

That was new information, but it wasn’t entirely surprising. And while the caveman male in me instantly reacted with jealousy when it came to any other men having amazing sex with Darla, it did seem to fit with her personality and her whole vibe. The more I got to know about her, the more I could see that she wasn’t the type of woman who would conform to any kind of social norms.

“Okay…” I hesitated, organizing my thoughts in my head. “So if everything you said is true, that means I got it all wrong.” It caused actual physical pain to say the words out loud. “Almost from the beginning, Darla acted a little strange with me. Like she was trying to stay away from me. Like she wasn’t interested in me at all.” I shook my head, feeling every bit the fool. “I mean, she admitted to me that she liked me.” My mind went back to the conversation we’d had the day before. She straight up told me she liked me. But she’d made a pact with her friends. Besides the fact that I thought it was silly at the time, now that I knew what the pact was actually about, I was even more confused. “It still doesn’t make any sense,” I said with a shake of my head.

“Nothing with these women makes sense, man.”

I could tell Shane was joking, but he wasn’t wrong. That’s sure as hell how I was starting to feel about it.

“There is one thing I know for a fact,” Phillip said. “Miscommunications will be the death of what could be a good thing.” He raised an eyebrow. “Trust me, I know firsthand. If you’re unsure about something, just ask. What’s the worst she could say?”

I knew exactly what the worst thing was. She could admit to me that she wasn’t interested in me. At least, not that way. I’d all but thrown myself at her, and if the pact was all about sexual exploration and letting go, if she really was as into me as I was with her, there’s no way I would be sitting here having this conversation. Which meant only one thing.

I’d gotten it wrong.

I picked a chicken wing off the platter in front of me, but immediately discarded it, unable to eat. “Fuck.”

Four. Three. Two. One.

Breathe in.

Hold it.

And…out.

Again.

With every inhale, I breathed in fresh, calming air, letting it fill the cells of my body. I wiggled my fingertips, encouraging the energy to flow through me to every part. On every exhale, I focused on releasing the stress, negativity, and frustration that had built and was continuing to build inside me.

Usually, taking time to do a meditation and some deep cleansing breaths was just the thing I needed to center myself. I paused and took a moment to check in with myself.

Muscles clenched. Tightness in my chest.

It wasn’t working.

Again.

Breathe in.

Hold it.

And…

“Darla?”

My eyes flew open but I didn’t move from my mat on the floorboards of my deck. The girls were early. I needed more time to relax.

“Dar? Are you out here?”

I was out of time.

Slowly, I sat up on the mat and locked eyes with Jessie, who’d just emerged from inside my house with a bottle of white wine in her hands. I almost flopped backward again. I was going to need something stronger than wine.

A moment later, Abby appeared, a bottle of whiskey in her hand.

Much better.

“Is she out—oh.” Sandy and Britt arrived next. “Did we interrupt something?” Sandy looked from me, up to the others.

I shook my head and slowly got up off the mat. “I was just trying to meditate, but you’re all early.”

My friends looked at one another. I didn’t miss the look of concern on their faces.

“We’re actually late,” Abby said. “Sandy had a thing with the kids and…well, it doesn’t matter. But we’re almost an hour and thirty minutes late. We texted but you didn’t answer. We were afraid maybe you weren’t here. The house was dark.”

For the first time, I looked around to see the sun had set. The solar lights I had scattered through my garden were illuminated, and the deck was cast in shadows. I grabbed a blanket from a basket next to the outdoor couches where I kept a stash and wrapped myself in it, a sudden chill taking hold over me. “I didn’t realize so much time had passed.” I scrubbed a hand over my face and let my eyes lock onto the bottle in Abby’s hand.

Obviously, I had fallen into a meditation. Not that I could feel any difference. In fact, I almost felt worse than when I’d begun. Everything was off. My chakras were blocked. My energy was wrong. And I just couldn’t…

I needed a drink.

I used my head to point toward the house and the kitchen. “If you need glasses, they’re just—”

“Got them right here.” Brittany stepped forward and lined the glasses up on the table. A few moments later, Abby and Jessie had poured out glasses of wine and whiskey for everyone. I was handed a whiskey on the rocks, which I gratefully accepted.

The liquid heated me as it slid down my throat. I closed my eyes, savoring the feeling, and counted backward slowly from ten, giving myself a mini-meditation. It was much more effective than whatever I’d been trying to do earlier, and when I opened my eyes again, I thought maybe I’d finally be able to breathe properly.

“Are you going to tell us what’s going on?”

I took another sip of the whiskey before I was ready to answer Jessie.

“I want to cancel the pact.”

Before any of them could object, I held up my free hand and pled my case. “It doesn’t make any sense,” I started. “Not for me. It’s the exact opposite of what you all needed to get from it and for me, it’s only…well, you all know that I won’t go back on my word, but…”

“Something happened.” Abby smirked.

It wasn’t a question, but still, I shook my head. “No. I mean, yes.” I took another deep swallow. “I mean, no.” I finally settled on a response. “I haven’t slept with him,” I said. “I gave you my word, against my better judgment, but I did. And you know how much that means to me.”

Sandy moved so she was sitting next to me and put her hand on my leg. “What’s going on, Dar? You seem…”

“Really worked up,” Brittany finished for her. “We’re worried about you.”

“If it’s the pact,” Abby said, “let’s talk about it. The point of it isn’t to upset you.”

“No,” Jessie added. “The exact opposite. The pact is supposed to help you. We don’t want this.”

The ladies all shook their heads.

Instantly, I felt better. At least a little.

“Talk to us, Darla,” Sandy said. “What has you so worked up?”

I swallowed hard, contemplated another sip of whiskey, and thought better of it. “I like him,” I said simply.

“What?” Jessie’s eyelids fluttered in surprise.

“Wait,” Abby said. “I’m confused.”

“Me, too. If you like him, what exactly is the problem?” Brittany asked. “That was the idea, right? For you to get to know him and…”

“And what?” I turned to look at Britt, who had pressed her signature red-lipsticked lips shut tight. “What do you mean, that was the idea?”

It was Abby who jumped in. “We tried to tell you, Darla. That was the point of the pact. For you to get to know Blaze before starting up a physical relationship. We could all see that there was something between the two of you. I mean, it was so obvious, and we were just so sure that if you let yourself, you might actually…” She shrugged. “Well, you might actually fall for him.”

Fall for him?

“Oh no.” I shook my head and laughed. “When I said I liked him, I did not mean that I was falling for him.” I dropped the blanket off my shoulders, stood, and walked to the edge of the deck, where I looked out into the darkness. “You guys know me better than anyone else. Why on earth would you think for even a second that I would fall for Blaze Barron? Yes, he’s a nice guy. He’s funny and smart and honestly, there’s way more to him than I expected.” I stopped short of telling them the story about Blaze’s brother. Even though he hadn’t said so specifically, Blaze told me that in confidence and that wasn’t something I took lightly. I could still picture the look on his face when he spoke about his brother and how Hayden’s life had shaped him into the man he was today. He’d been so vulnerable. So open. His vulnerability had drawn me to him. And sure, maybe I had some feelings about him. But that was very different than falling for him or having any romantic feelings. There was a difference, right?

“Would that be so bad?”

I spun on my heel to stare at Sandy, who’d asked the question. “Yes. It would,” I said, disbelief in my voice. “But it wouldn’t ever happen anyway. You all know me. I don’t have those kinds of feelings for men.”

“So tell us again why you’re so worked up about this then?” Jessie had a smug look on her face as she lifted her wine glass to her mouth.

I took a deep breath. It was impossible to explain to a group of women who were all happily involved in monogamous, long-term relationships that I didn’t want that. I’ve never wanted it before, and I didn’t want it now.

“Because I don’t like the feeling of having my actions restricted,” I told them. It wasn’t a lie, yet it didn’t quite feel like the whole truth. “I kissed him,” I admitted after a moment.

Britt chuckled, and the others exchanged glances.

“What?” I stepped forward to join them again. “It was just a kiss. I didn’t sleep with him. I promised I wouldn’t.”

“So that’s what this is about.” Abby sipped from her glass. “You want to sleep with him.”

“Which was exactly the point of the pact, Dar.” Sandy’s voice held a tinge of defeat. “You really don’t think he’s different from other men? Really?”

My first instinct was to say no. Of course he wasn’t any different. Except maybe he was sexier than any of the men I’d been with in recent years. Hell, he was sexier than most men in the entire country. And then there was the fact that he cared about the same things I did. His generosity and passion for the program we were building was genuine and rare. And maybe that made him even sexier? Of course, there was the way he looked at me. Sure, men had looked at me with desire in their eyes before. But when Blaze looked at me, it was more than just physical. It was deeper than that. And the kiss…

“Okay, yes,” I admitted. “He’s different.”

Someone let out a small whoop, but I didn’t bother to look who it was.

“Blaze isn’t like the other men I’ve been with, and not just because I’ve never been with a celebrity before. I mean, that’s probably the least attractive thing about him, but…” I shrugged. “But it doesn’t matter.” I looked to Sandy, who grinned from ear to ear. “Really?” I asked her. “What does it matter? I still don’t want a relationship with him. Not with anyone. That hasn’t changed.”

“Hasn’t it?”

Slowly, I turned to look at Brittany.

“Sometimes it just takes the right man, Dar,” she said softly. “Trust me. I know.”

She wasn’t wrong. Brittany was even more steadfastly single than I was until Trent came along. Her attitude about relationships changed so fast and so completely that they’d ended up married, for goodness’ sake. But still. That couldn’t happen to me, could it? And with Blaze? I still barely knew him.

But why not?

The idea was dizzying. I sat down hard, lifted the glass of whiskey to my lips, and drained it.

I knew why not.

“I don’t think you guys understand,” I said after a minute. “I watched my mom come to life as a single woman. She’d been completely smothered by the weight of her marriage. It was killing her, and we didn’t even realize it until after. I’m perfectly happy with my life the way it is. It seems completely backward to even entertain the idea of extinguishing my light at this stage of my life. Why would I want that?”

“I think you’re missing the point.” Abby put her arms on her knees and leaned over to me. “It doesn’t have to be like that,” she said softly. “In fact, it’s supposed to be the exact opposite. The right partner will only help you grow and blossom, not hold you back. I’m not saying anything about your parents because we were kids and…well, who actually knows what goes on in a marriage.”

“Truth.” Jessie nodded.

“But maybe you should talk to your mom,” Abby continued. “Have you ever discussed it with her? Asked her what it was like and what, if anything, she would do differently?”

I hadn’t. I’d never needed to. It had always been so clear what life she preferred.

“You should,” Sandy said. “And I think we all agree that none of us want to be part of anything that will cause you distress.”

There were nods and murmurs of agreement.

“So if the pact doesn’t feel right to you, forget it,” Sandy continued. “It was only ever meant to be a bit of fun.” She crossed the space and pulled me into a tight hug. “We love you, Darla. No matter what. We just want the best for you.”

Her words, murmured into my ear, traveled through my body and deep into my soul. Besides my mother, these four ladies loved me more than anyone in the world. I knew that in my bones. And maybe a reminder was all I needed.