I‘m walking with Meredith through the sixty-one-acre theme park Silver Dollar City, located in Branson, Missouri. Her two children were set free to wander more than an hour ago, and they are expected to meet us for lunch at 1:30 at Aunt Polly’s, one of the restaurants in the park, famous for its “southern-style fried catfish and ham and beans.” The crowd is sparse, and I see more seniors than children.
“I’m sure this place is jammed during the summer; the rest of Branson is,” Meredith tells me. Though she and her children relocated to Branson more than a decade ago, this is the first time she has been to the amusement park. “Of course, I know about the Silver Dollar City. If you live in—or anywhere near—Branson, you can’t help but know of it. The traffic itself to and from the park is one of the biggest nightmares of living here.”
As we wander through the park, she describes her life: “I don’t live paycheck to paycheck; that would be a relief for me. Our paychecks are used to pay bills that are two months behind. Between Rose and myself, we have less than a thousand dollars saved. Rose needed a root canal earlier in the year, but she asked instead to have the tooth removed altogether. It was cheaper. We don’t have dental insurance, and the little we do have saved is there for emergencies.” Both mothers work in the hospitality industry; Meredith cleans hotel rooms and is occasionally responsible for setting up the hotel’s complimentary breakfasts. Rose works the register at a chain store. Both receive unemployment for several months when the tourist season comes to its inevitable conclusion.
Families pass us along the often-steep hills of the park, and many parents are holding hands. Some are extended families with the children sandwiched between parents and grandparents. Often, we see whole families engaged in a prayer before they settle in at one of the park’s restaurants. This isn’t surprising, since the park is located directly in the Bible Belt and even its website announces upcoming Christian events such as the “Southern Gospel Picnic,” “Young Christians’ Weekend,” and “Church of Christ Weekend,” all offering “messages to feed the soul and awesome worship services.”1
Meredith stares wistfully at one of the families passing. “I would love to come here with Rose and the kids and be as relaxed as these families are, but I don’t foresee this happening. I don’t see Rose and [me] holding hands in Silver Dollar City.”
“What would happen?” I ask.
She contemplates before answering: “Nothing most likely. People might stare, and they might laugh. But I doubt anybody would say anything to our faces. Nobody would kick us out of the park. But are we welcome? I mean, really welcome?”
Fred asked the same question of Knoebels Amusement Park in Elysburg, Pennsylvania. I arranged to meet Fred, a single gay dad, for the afternoon, and he brought along his six-year-old daughter. Unlike Meredith, Fred was not only willing but eager to get on as many attractions as possible; for two of them, I waited with his daughter, who wasn’t yet tall enough to participate. Unlike Silver Dollar City, which I visited in off-season, Knoebels was overflowing with patrons; lines for the amusements were often long and snaking.
“I’ve been here before—actually, many times; I even came here as a child when my family lived in New Jersey,” Fred told me over lunch. “There’s no admission charge, so it’s a lot cheaper in the long run than some of the other parks in the state.”
I told him about my afternoon at Silver Dollar City with Meredith, and he acknowledged her concern:
I started coming to this park before a lot of the rides you see right now were even built. It’s part of my history. I never had the opportunity to go to Disney, and that’s one of my dreams for Crystal [his daughter], but I don’t have the resources right now. But would I come here—to a park I’ve known since childhood and that I have lots of fond memories of—would I come here as an openly gay family? I don’t know. I see lots of teens wandering this park without parent supervision… something could happen—not necessarily violence, but some type of harassment or mocking. I could foresee an planned day at the park quickly devolving into a shameful experience for all of us.
All families have access to leisure and recreation activities, although some have more limited options than others. Meredith and Fred described some of the sports teams, camps, and civic associations existing in their communities in addition to the large amusement parks we had visited. Still, in spite of the availability of these options, LGBT families may need to be cautious in partaking of these opportunities and circumspect in how they behave in these settings. My conversations with parents across the country regarding youth development, leisure, and recreation opportunities continually led to two concerns: safety and shame. Regardless of the type of leisure and recreation facilities, the openness of these programs to LGBT parents and their children cannot be assumed.
James, for example, a gay father who has joint custody of his two sons with his ex-wife, told me of his first visit to his eleven-year-old son’s soccer practice:
I wasn’t out at that point, except to a few friends. Nobody warned me what go expect. From the moment we arrived at the field I was surrounded by the words “fag,” “faggot,” and “queer.” Occasionally, an expletive would precede them. The kids used the words. Parents used the words. Even the coaches used the words. I couldn’t believe it. My son and I had a long talk that next weekend about the power of words, and my personal dislike of these words. I certainly didn’t want to hear him saying them. A few years later, I met a lesbian couple whose son was in the same league, but for a younger age group. I asked them how they handled it. They at first tried to dissuade their son from participating in the sport. When this didn’t work, they reluctantly allowed him to sign up. It was soon apparent that he didn’t want his teammates to know of his family’s relationship status. They became his mother and his aunt.
Over the last decade, many programs catering to youth (and their families) have begun to characterize themselves as youth development programs. Traditionally, we may think of these as leisure activities, but all play a role in youth development. As an example, the summer camp industry has implemented a national campaign promoting a new image of camps: they are no longer merely outdoor settings where children have fun but instead conduits for youth development. As summarized by the American Camp Association, “Camp is both a laboratory and a catalyst for child development. By studying campers’ experiences and camp’s impact on the lives of young people, ACA provides parents with the knowledge to make good decisions, to thoughtfully guide their children, and to offer opportunities for powerful lessons in community, character building, skill development, and healthy living. Camp is a powerful, positive force!”2 And 4-H programs, often misidentified as agricultural programs, exist throughout the United States. On its website, 4-H describes itself as “the nation’s largest youth development organization… Using research-based programming around positive youth development, 4-H youth get the hands-on real world experience they need to become leaders.”3
Even smaller organizations common in most communities, such as day camps, museums, and zoos, no longer view their programs as merely leisure and recreation activities that keep children entertained but now promote their youth development aspects. But these programs aren’t necessarily successful for children of LGBT parents. Having been the residential director of Mountain Meadow Summer Camp, the first camp for children of same-sex parents, I heard many stories from parents about why they elected to send their children to our facility rather than a more convenient local camp. For example, Micah and Jeff located my camp after pulling their child from another. According to Micah:
We were completely up-front with the camp director about our family, and she assured us that her staff was proficient and experienced in working with all children, regardless of their backgrounds. After our daughter revealed in a cabin meeting prior to bedtime that her parents were two men, all hell broke loose. Her peers ignored her or taunted her. Staff seemed unable to control this behavior, and their interventions only made the camper’s taunting more furtive. Our daughter was miserable. When we finally picked her up after a week of this torture, I asked her counselor what training they had received regarding gay families. The answer—nothing. In their seven days of training to camp the topic had never been introduced.
Unfortunately, most youth development organizations have only recently caught on that LGBT families exist and use their services. Concerted efforts at inclusiveness for LGBT individuals and their families are still in their infancy. Dan Woog, one of the country’s authorities on sports and LGBT issues and a vociferous supporter of LGBT youth, told me that in his many years of experience he found the people who manage and staff youth programs tend to be well-intentioned individuals who truly look out for the welfare of participants. The reason children of LGBT parents aren’t a priority is simply that nobody has alerted these staff to their presence. He predicts that as their presence is increasingly recognized, youth programs will make an effort to create safe and welcoming environments.4 Still, at present, many LGBT families cannot or will not come forward to demand better and more inclusive services; to do so would jeopardize their status and even safety in their communities.
One solution of course is to eschew local options. LGBT parents instead opt for the growing number of summer camps for children of LGBT parents, the annual Family Pride Week in Provincetown, Massachusetts, and the small number of family vacation cruises and events such as those offered by R Family Vacations, a business started by Rosie and Kelli O’Donnell. (Though R Family activities have been hampered by antigay hostility. The first R Family cruise that arrived in Nassau, Bahamas, was met by protestors. According to the New York Times, “Their loud taunts caused some children on the ship to cry and induced Rosie O’Donnell to remain on deck—rather than enter into what was certain to be a televised shouting match.”5 In 2007, R Family canceled a planned stop in Bermuda after a religious group said to represent eighty Bermudian churches announced its opposition.6) And of course some traditional family destinations have become more LGBT friendly; the Disney Resorts stand as an exemplar.
But for families for whom such options are not feasible or realistic, the local community remains the primary provider of youth and family activities. Thus LGBT parents often keep their children out of youth programs or are less than forthcoming about their family’s composition. This is unfortunate, because research unequivocally finds that a quality youth program is a conduit to successful adulthood.
The goal of parenting is to guide one’s children into successful adulthood. The term “successful adults” is of course open to interpretation. One set of parents may believe that raising their children to have a lifelong relationship with a higher power is a marker of success. Another set may believe success will be measured by their children’s financial status. And a third may believe that a child who excels in one particular field is the ultimate indicator of success. None of these is exclusive of the others. However, in spite of these individualized and sometimes competing definitions, researchers have established an encompassing definition of “success” to which parents should be guiding their children. The five Cs model is commonly used, and it promotes ideals all children should develop:7
1. Competence: A positive view of one’s actions in specific areas, including social, academic, cognitive, health, and vocational
2. Confidence: An internal sense of overall positive self-worth and self-efficacy
3. Connection: Positive bonds with people and institutions that are reflected in exchanges between the individual and his or her peers, family, school, and community in which both parties contribute to the relationship
4. Character: Respect for societal and cultural norms, possession of standards for correct behaviors, a sense of right and wrong (morality), and integrity
5. Caring/compassion: A sense of sympathy and empathy for others
A sixth “C” is also considered of increasing importance, though it has not yet been officially interpolated into the model: Contribution to family, community, society, and the planet.
The five Cs (or six Cs) model is an encompassing and thorough blueprint for successful adulthood; few would argue that adults achieving these goals are not successful. It is not surprising, therefore, that the majority of youth programs in the country use the five Cs model as a guide in their program development.
Three characteristics have been found to be essential for a quality youth program that supports the growth of the five Cs: a safe environment, supportive relationships, and opportunities to belong.8 Yet these are the three characteristics that LGBT families find lacking in available programs in their local communities.
One of the most important characteristics associated with successful youth programs is a safe environment; if children don’t feel safe, their potential to enjoy the program let alone develop the five Cs is doubtful. Yet, in these programs, the children of LGBT parents may be excluded by their peers, talked about behind their back, and be coerced to keep their status a secret by well-intentioned staff members. Tragically, some youth become the victims of bullying and physical assault. Though children of LGBT parents report less physical harassment in comparison with verbal taunting and mistreatment, the number of youth subjected to physical mistreatment is by no means insignificant. One study found that about a tenth of students had been physically harassed or assaulted in the prior year because they had LGBT parents, because of their actual or perceived sexual orientation, or because of their gender or gender expression.9 Other forms of victimization include being the target of mean rumors or lies, being sexually harassed, or having their property stolen or deliberately damaged. Keep in mind that a child may experience several forms of ongoing victimization and that this abuse doesn’t occur just at the hands of other youth. Program leaders and other parents may also inflict harm.
In 2010, Jon Langbert of Dallas, a Cub Scout leader and the gay father of a nine-year-old Cub Scout, was forced out of his leadership role due to his sexual orientation. The Boy Scouts of America has a longstanding and contentious policy of excluding gay men and atheists from leadership roles. According to Deron Smith, Boy Scouts of America’s director of public relations, “We focus on our mission, and our mission is to take young people and prepare them for an exceptional adulthood. That’s it. That’s why our policy is the way it is. Our volunteer leadership has elected to keep that policy in place… The policy, as it is written, is that the Boy Scouts does not accept for membership avowed homosexuals.” Smith said Langbert was welcome to continue volunteering his time, though not as a leader. He also added that the issue would not have arisen had Langbert kept his sexual orientation private, since prospective leaders are not asked whether they are gay.10
According to Langbert, “Everything was running along smoothly until some of the dads complained… It made me feel terrible to think about the devastating effect it would have on my son, to see his father stripped of his leadership role.”11
Children and youth need supportive adult relationships, and so do their parents. But Jon Langbert’s case shows, supportive relationships may be denied to LGBT families. Several parents I spoke to mentioned that programs staff were aloof, distant, and cold when they dropped off and picked up their children; other parents, they noted, were received warmly or at least cordially. “I don’t believe that the day camp staff and director treat my child any differently that the children of straight parents, but they treat me differently,” reported Anne. “If they mistreated my kids or preached to them I would pull them out the program in a second. The problem though is that we don’t have a lot of options.”
The previous chapters stressed the importance of LGBT parents building a support system for themselves, one that ideally includes other same-sex parents and straight allies. The need for a support system is even more critical for the children of these families. Studies find that a combination of parental support, access to children of other same-sex parents, and straight allies offers the best outcomes for these youth. As this book has pointed out, however, this combination may not be feasible for LGBT-parented families, so some youth and their parents will have to piece together the best alternatives they can.
Marty, for example, knows of no other youth in his neighborhood or school who have two mothers. His older brother graduated from the same high school and never once disclosed the role of two mothers in his life; his parents are likewise reluctant to share their history other than with a few very close friends. Marty notes: “My moms coached me from a very young age to be less than honest regarding our family, and now that I’m older, I understand why. Our community is insular and fairly intolerant… [but then] I heard about COLAGE and made contact with people all over the country, so I created my own support network… though all of it is online. A gay-straight alliance also opened in our high school last year, and I joined.”
Marty is creating his own support system of LGBTs and straight allies. His mother Jerri noticeably bristled when we discussed the importance of allies: “I read a story about lesbian mothers and their children at the annual White House Easter egg hunt. Donna and I would love to be able to so open and grace the pages of the national newspapers. But we live in a state where we can lose our jobs if our sexual identity was discovered. We could even lose our apartment… Getting allies sounds easy, but try to find allies in this town who will guard your privacy. Right now, it is impossible.”
Donna, Jerri’s partner, is less despairing in her description of their hometown life, but she is equally pessimistic about finding an open “support system.” She recounted: “I attend NA meetings, and I have many people who are supportive of [my] continued sobriety. But even these folks don’t know about my sexual orientation. I gotta keep that a secret.”
Mark Snyder of COLAGE reports that he has encountered too many youth who have spent their lifetimes hiding their families’ secret.12 They may have participated in sports, clubs, and other recreational activities throughout their youth but never once disclosed their family composition. This secrecy may have been the result of a parental directive or observing the negativity of peers and staff in these programs regarding LGBTs; often it is the result of both. COLAGE meetings—typically closed to adults—may be the only safe place where these youth can relax their otherwise perpetual vigilance
As the children of same-sex-parented families mature, they may actively seek out their own allies and support, as Marty did. They’ll find information online or join a GSA or some other type of club in their school or community. As stated earlier in this book, the battles between children who are ready to disclose their identity and parents who are not remain a truly understudied phenomenon. Tracy, for example, states that reading Abigail Garner’s Families Like Mine made such an impression that she was ready to “come out of the closet” in regard to her family.13 Her mothers, however, were not, and this disagreement escalated into the worse fights than she ever could recall occurring between herself and her parents.
Younger children are much more reliant on parents to surround them with a nurturing support system. Even if there are no other known LGBT families around, parents should surround their children with individuals who fight against intolerance and hatred and who understand the travails that still come from being a minority group. These individuals treat all people with respect and dignity.
The final requirement for a successful youth program is that it offers participants a sense of belonging and acceptance.
Families Like Mine gave a voice to the experiences of so many children of LGBT parents: they live in two worlds, the majority-straight world and the sexual-minority world. Of course, living within two cultures has its stressors, and navigating them does not necessarily come naturally or easily. In a seminal article on the topic, Teresa LaFromboise of the University of Wisconsin and her colleagues defined bicultural efficacy as the “belief, or confidence, that one can live effectively, and in a satisfying manner, within two groups without compromising one’s sense of cultural identity.”14 It is imperative that children of sexual minorities develop this efficacy because they are indeed straddling two different worlds. Indeed, some youth are living in more than two distinct worlds. Consider, for example, African American children adopted by white LGBT parents. They have three overlapping worlds to circumnavigate.
While it is inarguable that the children of sexual minorities will learn about straight culture through their interactions with the majority population and exposure to media, we should not take it for granted that they will learn the history of the challenges, struggles, successes, and setbacks of lesbians and gay men. In the 2009 National School Climate Survey, almost 90 percent of LGBT students reported they had not been taught anything about the history of LGBT people.15 In a 2008 study, less than a third of both students and parents reported that their school’s curriculum had included representations of LGBT people, history, or events in the past school year.16
According to the Commission for Accreditation of Park and Recreation Agencies (CAPRA), “Every park and recreation agency, whatever its focus or field of operation, is rightfully concerned with the efficiency and effectiveness of its operations. With the importance of park and recreation programs and services to the quality of life, each agency has an essential role in the lives of the people it serves.”17 The Commission created 144 standards demonstrating commitment to its employees, volunteers, patrons, and community. One standard is outreach to underserved people: “Parks and recreation programs and services shall be available to all residents regardless of income, cultural background, geographic location, age, or ability level. To encourage participation in parks and recreation programs and services, agencies shall identify and address barriers that may limit access by special populations in the community.”18
LGBT families are indeed an underserved population when it comes to local recreation, youth development, and leisure venues. LGBT parents and allies must guide and navigate their children through the myriad of formal and informal challenges that exist in community programs in spite of recommendations for inclusiveness and outreach such as CAPRA’s. As an example, in 2011, GLSEN introduced its Sports Project with a mission “to assist K–12 schools in creating and maintaining an athletic and physical education climate that is based on the core principles of respect, safety and equal access for all, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression” and further advances its mission to “create a world in which every child learns to accept and respect all people, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity/expression.”19 In addition to making a public team commitment to live the values of respect and inclusion for all team members, sports teams accepting this challenge treat all teammates with respect, avoid language that puts someone down because of differences, remind teammates that name-calling and bullying are not acceptable, and set an example of respect for opposing teams, fans, and other students in a school.20
The GLSEN Sports Project, though it only targets scholastic sports, is a great starting point for all youth programs, since it contains all of the elements considered necessary for inclusiveness as determined by experts in the field. For example, an extremely well-received 2006 study asked over eight hundred diversity educators their opinions on the behaviors necessary for success with diverse demographics. The study tallied fifteen different behaviors, and these were aggregated into four distinct categories:
1. We must be willing to confront bias, both our own and those of other people.
2. We must take a proactive attempt to understand other cultures.
3. We must treat others with respect.
4. We must act inclusively (i.e., be willing to include diverse demographic groups in all areas of programming).21
A successful youth program prepares young people for successful adulthood, and in our multicultural world, this includes acknowledging and respecting the multifarious populations who exist side by side with each and every one of us. Interacting and cooperating with people who are different from us is a necessary ingredient for success. In fact, studies find that individuals who learn how to navigate between different cultures develop more cognitive complexity and emotional maturity, including confidence, self-esteem, flexibility, tolerance, increased problem-solving ability, and effective communication skills.
What responsible parents, whatever the status of their sexuality, would be anything less than thrilled to watch their children mature into adults with such skills and competencies?