The next day at lunch, the counselors told us that the Muskrats, the Bald Eagles, and the Badgers were all going on a nature hike. It meant missing out on the waterfront, but at least the Bob-cats weren’t going to be there.
We went back to our cabin, got our stuff, and headed out into the woods.
Now, I like nature as much as the next guy. In fact, I like it a lot.
I like hiking too.
But it turns out that when you put those two together to make “nature hike,” it’s like putting pickles in a pudding cup. Bad combination of two perfectly good ingredients.
It probably doesn’t have to be that way. (The nature hike, I mean, not the pickles and pudding. The one time I tried to make Georgia eat that, she almost threw up.)
(What? You thought I was going to try it myself?)
The thing about nature hikes at Camp Wannamorra is that they’re led by the head counselor, Chuck—also known as Wood Chuck, Up Chuck, and most of all, Boring Chuck.
He was one of the science teachers in the morning, which meant he knew everything there was to know about every leaf, bush, tree, bird, and bug within a hundred miles of camp. Make that five hundred miles.
And that meant instead of getting the afternoon off from school, we were hiking right back into it.
Sometimes my teachers, or even my mom, will ask me why I’m always spacing out and making up stuff. All I can say is that sometimes life is a whole lot more interesting inside my head than it is on the outside.
In fact, why don’t you come on in, and I’ll show you around, Khatchadorian-style. You want a nature hike that doesn’t put you to sleep? Follow me.
Now if you come right down here through the woods, you’ll get a nice view of Lake Wannamorra, just in time to catch the camp mascot, Heads and Tail. He’s the two-headed, slime-eating, slime-spewing beast that surfaces from the bottom of the lake once a day to empty his snot pockets all over the people we don’t like. (That’s right, Doolin, I’m talking about you.)
Oh, and look up there in that tree. It’s Ugg and Lee, the most hideous-looking crows you’ve ever seen. They’re either brothers or sisters, I’m not sure which. It’s hard to tell with crows. But their song is sweeter than a slice of apple pie with extra cinnamon. This next tune goes out to Katie Kim.
Okay, everyone, we’re coming into a rougher part of the forest now, so watch your back. Right over there, I can see Bucko the Deer, Bambi’s cousin from the wrong side of the tracks. He looks innocent enough, but don’t let those big eyes fool you. This deer-dude is armed and dangerous, and he’ll steal your lunch money just as soon as look at you.
Of course, Bucko’s nothing compared to what you don’t see around here. Meet Snake, Rattle, and Roll, just three of the zillion venomous killers waiting for you in the shadows if you’re unlucky enough to stumble onto Snake Hill.
If you ever do come face-to-face with one of these guys, it’s probably because they already have their three-inch fangs in you, and you’ve got just enough time left to wish you’d done arts and crafts that day instead of hiking.
So let me give you a tip: When you find yourself lost and alone on Snake Hill, there’s one thing you can do to protect yourself. Just one thing that can save your life, so listen very carefully. First, you have to—
“Rafe?” Boring Chuck said. “Are you even listening to me?”
“Yeah,” I said.
“What was I just saying?”
“Uh… something about leaves?”
“That was ten minutes ago. I was saying we have to turn around and go back now.”
I looked up at the sky and saw a bunch of dark clouds. The wind was kicking up too, and it was just starting to rain.
“Sorry, fellas, it looks like we won’t make it all the way to Snake Hill today, after all,” Chuck told us.
I was kind of disappointed, actually. I was just starting to get into this whole nature hike thing.