When Evan next opened her eyes, the first light of day was beginning to bleed through the open blinds. It offered just enough light to confirm she was alone. Again.
Almost immediately, panic bolted through her and she covered her face, not liking the emotions swirling inside her. She felt disoriented. Isolated. Afraid.
Enough, she told herself, fighting to shake off the night, the dreams, and the remnants of fear. She had been given a second chance at the rest of her life. She needed to do something with it, starting now, or she wasn’t going to make it.
Suddenly impatient, she threw back the sheet she’d managed to tangle around herself.
A hundred bruises immediately made themselves known. Pain took her breath away. The moisture in her mouth evaporated and her head began to pound. With no other choice, she fell back against the pillow and waited for the pain to subside.
On her second attempt, she moved more slowly. One deep breath followed by another. Every move was an effort, and her battered body screamed, but with equal parts dread and determination she began to slide toward the edge of the bed.
Movement proved awkward, made more so by the brace on her knee meant to help control motion while healing occurred. But in spite of the care she took, pain blossomed in her leg and she couldn’t quite contain the groan that came from deep within her every time she inhaled. Her palms grew damp and her stomach threatened to rebel.
That in itself was almost funny because she couldn’t remember the last time she’d eaten.
She persevered, and after what felt like a lifetime her feet cleared the edge of the bed. She paused for an instant, braced herself for what she knew was to come. But before she could follow through, a sound stopped her. Voices coming from just outside her room. And then the door swung open.
“Whoa, Commander Kane, now what do you think you’re doing?”
The rebuke was gentle, almost maternal. Evan watched as the tall, thin doctor moved quickly to the side of the bed. She held both of her hands out as if to stop Evan or catch her should she continue her forward momentum.
“I believe I’m getting out of bed,” Evan responded. Her voice was hoarse, raspy. Unfamiliar to her own ears. She vaguely recalled being assured the bruising to her larynx had not caused permanent damage. Still, the weakness irritated her and she felt a stirring of impatience to move beyond her captivity.
“Does your throat hurt?”
Evan nodded, one hand automatically going to her neck, rubbing it absently before she tried again. “But what I really want…no, what I really need is a shower.” She wrinkled her nose in distaste. “More than anything.”
“Well, we can certainly arrange—”
“Please don’t say another sponge bath,” Evan interrupted sharply. Stopping herself before she could say anything else, she sighed and let her head drop forward. “I’m sorry. That was rude. What I really want, Commander, is a long, hot shower. I desperately want to feel clean for the first time in longer than I care to remember. I want to get rid of the smell of dirt and fear and blood. I’d like to put on some real clothes, preferably something other than a flight suit. And then I’d like you to tell me what I need to do to get released, so I can finally go home.”
A wide smile lit Kelsey Grant’s face and Evan realized her minor
rant was probably what the doctor had been waiting for. A sign of whatever inner strength had enabled her to survive four months of captivity. She watched the doctor’s expression soften with understanding.
“All right. Why don’t we try this one step at a time, starting with getting you out of bed?”
Not chancing the doctor changing her mind, Evan pushed with her hands and let gravity pull her the remainder of the way off the bed.
As soon as her left foot hit the floor, pain ran like an electric current through her body and she felt herself sway. The room spun, a roaring filled her ears, and her undamaged leg started to buckle. But the doctor proved to be stronger than she appeared.
Unsteady and far from sure of herself, Evan gratefully accepted her support. She sagged in the doctor’s arms, stunned by her own inglorious weakness. “Thanks.”
“Happy to oblige.” The doctor gently reached out and cupped her chin, turning her head from side to side to study her face. “Here’s what I think, Commander. I think you’re fighting for a sense of normalcy. And if a shower will give it to you, then that’s what you’ll have.”
Evan accepted the scrutiny before raising a suspicious brow. “Just like that?”
“No arguments. Just some basic rules of engagement. You’re going to lean on me, keep your weight off your right leg, and take small, slow steps all the way to the bathroom. You’re still quite weak and I don’t want you to risk undoing all the progress you’ve made.”
The urge to protest came and went. Instead, a hiss of pain escaped Evan’s lips as she leaned heavily against the doctor, a tacit agreement. But there was one more thing. She swallowed, licked her lip, considering. “Could I ask one more thing?”
The doctor waited in silence for her to speak.
“Do you suppose you could call me Evan? Khalid…he only ever called me Commander and just hearing it makes me…” She shuddered.
“That won’t be a problem, Evan,” came the soft reply. “I’m Kelsey.”
The pain in her leg made it difficult just to stand, and Evan struggled not to groan when they began to move. Baby steps. Slow and laborious. Kelsey offered to get a wheelchair, but Evan stubbornly refused to give in. Breathing through the pain, she quickly recognized she would only make progress if she let the doctor take most of her weight as they made their way.
“Are you all right?”
Evan gritted her teeth and held herself rigid, but it was taking all her energy just to breathe in and out. “I’m good.” Trying not to throw up.
“Really?”
“Really.” Evan’s voice grew more strained. “Especially if I ignore the fact that every inch of my body is screaming like a girl.”
Her comment was greeted by a muffled laugh. “I suppose I should refrain from pointing out the obvious.”
In that moment, Evan discovered she had some life left in her after all. She laughed out loud even though she promptly regretted it. “Ah, Jesus, please don’t make me laugh.” She made a small, choked sound. “Right now, I’m trying to convince myself I’m still a Lieutenant Commander in the US Navy. You know…strong, disciplined, fit. But damn. Everything hurts.”
“Deep, regular breaths, Evan. And try to relax.”
“Easy for you to say.”
By the time they reached the bathroom less than twenty feet away, Evan was in a world of pain. Emotionally and physically exhausted, she leaned against Kelsey gratefully. An instant later, the breath she’d been holding shuddered out.
“Oh Jesus.”
She raised one hand uncertainly and pushed the limp, too-long bangs back from her face in horror as she stared at her reflection in the mirror. A gaunt stranger stared back at her. Dark multicolored bruises marred her face and neck, while both of her eyes still showed signs of having recently been blackened. Swallowing painfully, she slowly lowered the hospital gown, but the story didn’t get any better. Every inch of skin she revealed was covered in cuts and abrasions.
“Oh God.” She remained rigid for a moment. Not moving, not even breathing. “Shit, Kelsey, my family…Tate…they’ve all seen me looking like this. I’ve seen roadkill that looks better than me.”
“Your family understands, Evan.” Kelsey made a sympathetic sound. “I know it looks bad, but believe me when I say you look a lot better than you did when you first arrived.”
Evan touched her face with one hand and winced as she continued to stare into the mirror. “Is that even remotely possible?”
“Not only possible, it’s the truth. And in a few more days, you’ll start to recognize the face in the mirror. I promise.”
“I’ll have to take your word for it,” Evan said. She broke off, closed her eyes, and in the lengthening silence felt herself fade.
“They worked you over pretty good. Does that account for all of your injuries?”
“No.” The question caught her by surprise and she made an effort to pull herself back. “I’m pretty sure I had some kind of head injury”—she absently rubbed her forehead—“that goes back to when I got shot down.”
Evan felt the gentle pressure of Kelsey’s gaze and realized the doctor was waiting for more of an explanation. She shrugged apologetically. “I took a blow to the head,” she said. “Or at least I think that’s what happened. Something shattered my visor and dented my helmet not long after the canopy blew. Dented my head too, but my recall after that’s a little fuzzy. I think I got hit by a piece of debris from my aircraft—or maybe it was something from Deacon’s. Impossible to tell, really. I was already on the ground by the time I regained consciousness, but it meant I had a less than controlled landing and somehow buggered up my knee.”
“How long were you unconscious?”
“No idea. I was—”
“Unconscious, I know.”
“Right. It wasn’t too long before we were captured, and after that…” The thought of Khalid caused a darkness to pass over her, like a cloud occluding the sun. Her hands began to shake and she felt dangerously close to crying. She could feel her eyes sting, her throat burn. But there was no release because she never cried. She was, after all, a Kane.
Taking a deep breath, she rubbed her dry, burning eyes and tried to pull some of her normal self-assurance back around her. She almost succeeded. But then she started to shake again. It started slowly, faintly, and then grew in intensity until she was trembling uncontrollably. Kelsey would probably tell her it was a normal enough response. A physiological reaction. But knowing it was normal didn’t make her reaction any more tolerable. She tried wrapping her arms around her body. Images flashed in her mind. Quick and harsh, one after another, and she couldn’t get them to stop.
“I can’t breathe,” she whispered, doubling over, gasping with a sudden primal need for air.
Kelsey’s arms came around her, strong and comforting, holding her trembling body with a surprising gentleness. Her touch stroked Evan’s scattered emotions, and she struggled against the impulse to bury her face against the doctor’s strong shoulder, wanting to hide away from the horrifying memories that had slipped to the surface while she wasn’t looking.
But there was no place to hide.
Kelsey continued to hold her until her erratic heartbeat slowed its racing tempo. Until the tension began to ebb from her body. Briefly Evan wondered how long she could stay in this cocoon, while another part of her simply wanted to run away.
She wouldn’t, of course. She was stronger than that. A Lieutenant Commander in the US Navy. Robert and Althea Kane’s daughter. She just needed a few minutes to pull herself together.
Lifting her head, she met Kelsey’s gaze. “I’m sorry. I don’t know where that came from.” She felt her face heat, but Kelsey remained silent. Watching her, but not saying a word.
Evan straightened awkwardly. Feeling exposed and uncertain, vulnerable, she closed her eyes, effectively shutting the doctor out. But with her eyes closed, she was once again plagued by recollections.
Tate’s hands on her body.
Khalid’s fist striking her face.
She tried not to recoil. Remembered that during the past four months, she’d become adept at disappearing, mentally and emotionally. She had used it as a pain-coping mechanism, letting her mind drift free until there was nothing left of her, until she could find oblivion.
With her eyes still closed, she gathered the darkness around her, waited for the Zen-like calm to envelop her. A moment later she found herself standing on the deck of a sailboat, cutting through the crystal-blue waters of the Mediterranean. Overhead, the sky was cloudless, a vast and endless blue. The sun was warm on her face, the wind teased her hair, and only the creak of the mast, the snap of the sails, and the waves slapping against the hull intruded on the blissful silence.
*
“Evan…”
Evan shuddered and slowly raised her head. Became aware her mind had wandered off to a beautiful place. Gradually she recognized she was still in a military hospital in Germany and Kelsey was still there. Still watching her.
“I’m sorry,” she said but wasn’t sure why.
“Don’t worry about it.” Kelsey watched her a moment longer. “Is that how you did it, Evan?”
“Did what?”
“Survive what they did to you. Did you close your eyes and dream yourself away?”
Evan couldn’t help but smile. “That’s pretty astute of you. Or does the mind reading come as part of the medical degree?”
“Of course.” Kelsey smiled back.
In that moment, any thought of protest or denial died. “The answer to your question is yes, I guess. I suppose I would dream myself to anywhere but where I was whenever I could. Unfortunately, it wasn’t possible all the time. But even half the time was certainly better than the painful reality I found myself in.”
“You really need to talk to someone about what happened to you,” Kelsey said softly. “You know that, don’t you?”
The gentle voice insinuated itself in Evan’s lacerated psyche, and she felt it soothe her even as her throat tightened with regret. “Yes, but all in good time. Just not right now.”
“Fair enough. I’m guessing you’ll also need to have a serious conversation with Tate before too long.”
Evan’s shoulders tensed, her back burned, and she shifted restlessly as a shaft of remembered pain shot through her. Knowing Kelsey was right didn’t make things any easier. She moistened her lips before finally meeting her gaze. “That conversation will definitely have to wait until I have some idea how to approach it.”
“Do you think you’ll be going home with your parents when we release you?”
Evan thought about it for a moment, then shook her head and shrugged. “Actually, I’ve no idea where I’m going, but I strongly doubt it’ll be to my parents’ home. For far too many reasons.”
“Okay, let’s approach this differently. What would you have done if you hadn’t been shot down?”
“Four months ago? I planned on staying with Tate in Bahrain. Maybe convince her to take a holiday with me while I figured out what I was going to do in my post-navy life. At the time, I had a couple of ideas floating in my head. Now, suffice to say I’m not really sure of anything.”
“As you said, all in good time,” Kelsey said, and there was a thoughtful expression on her face. “The reason I’m bringing it up is that like you, I’ve served my time and I’m due to go home soon. Depending on where you end up, my partner is a psychiatrist.”
“Your partner?”
Their eyes met for a brief moment before Kelsey continued. “Jenna. Dr. Jenna Nolan. She served in Iraq and has a private practice in Seattle. She gets a lot of referrals from the naval base on the peninsula and has extensive experience dealing with PTSD.”
Evan tensed and remained silent for a moment. “You’re suggesting I need to talk with her?”
“I’m suggesting what happened to you in Afghanistan is now a part of you, and Jenna—or someone like her—can help you deal with it,” Kelsey responded calmly. “And I’m offering to help if you ever find yourself out our way and want an introduction.”
“I’ll keep it in mind.”
“Good. Now let’s get you into the shower.”
Leaning on Kelsey, Evan allowed herself to be guided toward the shower while the implications of their conversation rained down around her. She sighed, and as her tension slowly ebbed, she lifted her gaze.
“Thanks, Kelsey,” she said softly.