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Chasity sat on the lounge chair in her grandmother’s backyard, overlooking the lush, green grass-covered grounds for what seemed like forever. It had only been fifteen minutes. She’d come to the house to fulfill a promise that she made to Trisha days ago.
She was waiting outside for Brenda. She had called Jason on the ride over to get him to talk her out of backing out, which he succeeded in doing. But the anticipation made Chasity wish that he hadn’t.
Her leg bounced up and down in quick rhythm as she heard voices from inside. She let out a sigh as the back door slid open and Brenda stepped out with the help of Trisha. The woman had gotten frailer, looking weaker than she did when Chasity last laid eyes on her. Once Trisha guided Brenda down into the seat next to Chasity, she shot Chasity a grateful glance before heading back inside.
Brenda let a few strained coughs out as she looked over at Chasity, who was staring out at the grounds while continuing to bounce her leg up and down. Brenda managed a chuckle. “I see you still do that nervous tap with your leg,” she observed, causing Chasity to immediately stop. “You used to do that all the time when you lived with me,” she reminisced between strained breaths. “...It was usually when I was in the same room with you.”
“Yeah,” was all that Chasity could say, in a voice that did not hide her displeasure.
Brenda looked down at her shaking hands and rubbed one with the other as she looked back at Chasity, who was avoiding eye contact with her. “I appreciate you coming here today,” she said. “I know how hard this is for you.”
“Uh huh,” Chasity mumbled.
Brenda sighed. “Can you look at me please?”
Chasity rolled her eyes as she spun around in her seat to face Brenda.
“I appreciate you being here.”
“You said that already,” Chasity spat.
“Well, thank you,” Brenda said, ignoring Chasity’s nasty tone.
Chasity took a deep breath, then nodded slightly.
Brenda smiled, then glanced at the lush grounds herself. “It’s nice out,” she commented. “The heat wave seems to have passed.”
“Do you really want to talk about the weather?” Chasity questioned, tone even.
Brenda shook her head. “No, no I don’t,” she confirmed, looking back at Chasity. She didn’t want to talk about the weather; that was the furthest thing from her mind. But she didn’t know how to begin to address any of the things that she wanted to say to Chasity. She was the one who was nervous.
She rubbed her hands yet again. “You know, I was pregnant myself the same time Trisha was with you,” Brenda began.
Chasity looked confused. “I know, she told me.”
“Shortly before I miscarr—” she glanced down. “I found out that it was a girl... I was gonna name her Taj. Just thought that was an interesting name.”
Chasity just looked at her. “Is that where my one of two middle names came from?” she wondered, unenthused.
Brenda gave a slight nod. “I believe that Trisha thought it would somehow honor the memory, I guess... I didn’t even know that she’d given you that middle name until I got the copy of your birth certificate.”
Chasity let out a sigh. She was trying her best to remain seated. Sitting around, listening to the origins of her unusual middle name, wasn’t something that she felt like hearing.
“When I lost my daughter, it was the most devastating thing that had ever happened to me,” Brenda continued. “Being pregnant gave me hope. It made me forget about what had been done to me...all I could focus on was the baby that I was about to have.” A sadness fell over Brenda. “Then in a moment, she was gone and—losing a baby is truly a painful experience and it’s something that I would never wish on anybody.” She held her sorrowful gaze on Chasity, who just stared back at her. “I feel for anybody who has had to go through that.”
Chasity wasn’t sure why Brenda was looking at her the way that she was. Like she wanted her to say something. Chasity had no desire to share her own experience with Brenda. As far as she was concerned, it was none of Brenda’s business. However, her going through her own miscarriage, made her at least empathize with Brenda for that part alone.
“Sorry,” was all that Chasity had it in her to say.
Brenda took a deep breath, holding her gaze on Chasity. “Me too,” she replied. Her tone was full of sympathy. After a brief pause, Brenda began to speak once again. “You were the prettiest little baby,” she smiled to herself. “With the loudest cry. Your voice would get so high... I noticed when you thought something was really funny, your laugh would get that same high pitch.” She chuckled at the memory.
Chasity sat there in silence while Brenda reminisced. Her face was void of any humor or any trace of a smile. She just listened.
“When I decided to bring you home with me, I did so with the intention to raise you like you were mine,” Brenda said. “Despite how I felt about what happened, I still loved my husband and you were a part of him, so in my mind you were a part of me. And I intended on treating you like you were... For the first few years, things were great. You were the sweetest little girl; everything that I imagined my own daughter to be... I saw you as mine.” She glanced down. “Then somewhere down the line...something changed in me... When I looked at you, I no longer saw my child...I saw Trisha. And the reality came back to me. I had to face that fact that you were Trisha’s child. A child that was conceived with my husband and I just—the love that I felt for you, changed to resentment. I tried drinking to numb my feelings, but it made them worse...”
“I was five,” Chasity spoke, finally. Brenda looked at her. “I was five when you called me a whining little bitch because I cried when you threw the box that I made for your birthday in the trash... Then when I tried to get it out, you tore it up in my face. And that was before you locked me in my room for the first time.” Hurt showed on Chasity’s face, “I was five. I didn’t do anything wrong, and I was degraded and punished. And I had to deal with that for thirteen more freakin’ years. Never knowing what I did wrong to deserve it.”
Brenda was ashamed and regretful and it showed on her face. “God, I’m so sor—”
Chasity’s hand jerked up. “Just don—don’t,” she protested through clenched teeth. “It means nothing.”
Tears fell from Brenda’s eyes. “If I could take it all back, I—”
“You can’t,” Chasity fumed. “You can’t change anything, you can’t make up for it. It just is what it is... I don’t know what you want from me.”
Brenda covered her mouth to cough, then let out a long sigh. “You have every right to hate me Chasity,” she stated. “I did wrong by you, and I’m fully aware of it. And I know that no matter how many ‘I’m sorry’s’ that I say, it won’t change what you’ve been through.”
“So why the hell would you ask me to forgive you?” Chasity wondered. “When you know I can’t.”
Brenda opened her mouth to speak again, but all that came out was coughs. Brenda grabbed a tissue and kept coughing. When she moved her hand, Chasity saw blood on the tissue. She didn’t want to admit it, but it shook her.
Chasity went to stand. “I’m gonna go get you some water or something,” she offered.
Brenda reached out and grabbed Chasity’s arm, halting her. “No, I’m okay,” she insisted, breathing labored. She had a feeling that if Chasity walked into that house, that she wouldn’t come back. And Brenda needed her to stay.
Chasity sat back down, folding her arms.
“I don’t expect you to forgive me,” Brenda stated after gaining her composure.
“Then what do you want from me Brenda?” Chasity questioned, frustrated.
“I just...I want you to be okay,” Brenda declared.
“Okay with what?” Chasity bit out.
“You’re angry and you’re bitter and resentful...and that’s not your fault, but you are,” Brenda explained. “I don’t want you to go through life being that way... I don’t want you to end up like me.”
“I will never be you,” Chasity promised, voice laced with anger.
“I didn’t think I could turn out the way that I did either,” Brenda replied. “But I did. It’s amazing what anger will do... It has a way of consuming you until that’s all you feel.”
Chasity was taken back by the words coming out of Brenda’s mouth. It showed on her face in the form of a frown, but she couldn’t bring herself to say anything.
“I don’t want that for you, Chasity,” Brenda continued. “I don’t want you to go through life being angry. I want you to know that you are capable of loving and of being loved, and that you are a blessing to those around you.” Brenda sniffled. “I want you to let that angry part of you die...let it die with me.” She wiped her eyes with her hand.
Chasity just stared at Brenda.
“I want you to be happy,” Brenda added. “I need for you to be. And if I can take your resentment with me, in order for that to happen...then my death has a purpose.”
For the first time since Chasity arrived at the house, the anger left her face. She didn’t know how to deal with what Brenda had just said or what to say.
Before Chasity could even figure out what to say, Brenda began coughing hysterically. Freaked out by another coughing spell, Chasity rose from her seat as Trisha rushed outside to her sister’s side. “I’m okay, I’m okay,” Brenda insisted as Trisha fussed over her.
Chasity headed inside without another word as Brenda’s nurse rushed outside. Feeling a desperate need to get out of the house, Chasity quickened her steps to the front door, but was stopped by the sound of Trisha’s voice calling her. She spun around and faced her.
“Are you okay?” Trisha asked, voice both panicked and sympathetic.
Chasity simply nodded, retrieving her phone from her jeans pocket.
“You want to talk?”
Chasity shook her head, reading a message. Trisha glanced at the back door to see what the nurses were doing, before looking back at Chasity. As she went to say something, Chasity immediately cut her off.
“I’m going to Philly for a few hours,” Chasity declared.
“Okay,” Trisha answered, as Chasity turned and left without so much as a goodbye. Once the door was closed, Trisha want back outside.
––––––––
“Malajia, you have to eat something other than candy,” Alex insisted, pushing a pack of crackers in Malajia’s face.
Annoyed, Malajia nudged Alex’s hand away as she stuffed a piece of fruit-flavored candy into her mouth. “Alex, stop trying to feed me those dry ass crackers,” she barked, “I already told you I don’t want those.”
Alex sighed loudly as she tossed the crackers on the coffee table in her family’s living room.
When Malajia texted her earlier that day, upset, Alex suggested the girls meet at her house for a gathering in an effort to cheer Malajia up. But being there with her by herself for the past two hours, Alex was growing tired of Malajia and her nasty attitude.
“Look child, I already told you that I’m not gonna start cooking dinner until everybody gets here, so put something other than that damn candy in your stomach before I slap you.”
Malajia rolled her eyes as she picked up the crackers from the table. “I’ll eat ‘em...but I won’t like ‘em,” she muttered.
Alex shook her head, then heard a knock at the door. She let out a sigh of relief when she opened the door and saw Chasity standing there. “Thank God, come get your girl before I choke her.”
Chasity simply chuckled, stepping foot inside Alex’s home. “Working your nerves already, huh?”
“Yes, for the past two damn hours,” Alex complained.
Malajia looked up at Chasity and smiled, holding her arms out for a hug. “My boo, come hug me you sexy thing, you,” she gushed.
“Malajia don’t be weird,” Chasity sneered, giving Malajia her requested hug before sitting down next to her on the couch. “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m fine,” Malajia replied with a wave of her hand.
“The group text that you sent saying ‘I need you’ says otherwise,” Chasity pointed out. Chasity saw Malajia’s text message, then Alex’s message about them meeting at her house, when she was leaving her grandmother’s house after her meeting with Brenda. She drove straight there.
“Fine, I’ll talk when Sid and Em get here,” Malajia promised. “And what took your ass so long?” she directed at Chasity.
“I was...never mind.” Chasity quickly dismissed. With Malajia needing to get whatever was on her chest off, the last thing that she wanted to do was bring the focus to herself with her own issues.
“Chasity, you want something to drink?” Alex offered, leaning over the couch.
“Yeah, thanks,” Chasity replied.
Malajia chuckled. “She don’t have nothing to drink but water to go with these dry ass crackers,” she mocked.
Alex put her hand up at Malajia as she looked at Chasity. “Alcoholic or non?” she asked.
“Whatever you think it’ll take to get me through the next few hours with this,” Chasity jeered, gesturing to Malajia.
“Wine it is,” Alex laughed, heading towards the kitchen.
“Hey!” Malajia called after her. “You didn’t offer me any wine.”
“That’s because you stepped right in here starting your nonsense,” Alex threw out from the kitchen.
Malajia sucked her teeth as she looked at Chasity “Can you believe—”
“Don’t look over here. I already told you, you play too much,” Chasity said, cutting her off.
––––––––
No alcoholic beverage aside, Malajia’s mood had improved since earlier that day. And it only got better with the arrival of Sidra and Emily not even twenty minutes later.
“Now that we’re all here, let’s cook,” Alex suggested.
“I didn’t sign on for all that,” Chasity ground out.
“I’m too depressed to cook,” Malajia chimed in, raising her hand.
Alex stomped her foot on the floor, “Look damn it, I set up everything so that we can make this new pasta dish that I saw on the cooking channel today and I got wine and everything, so get up, get your asses in the kitchen, and let’s get to cooking,” she barked, pointing to the kitchen. She was met with challenging stares, but the group relented and made their way to the kitchen.
“You would be the one to watch a damn cooking channel,” Malajia mumbled, walking past Alex, much to the amusement of the other girls, who snickered.
“Shut it up and get in there,” Alex demanded.
As Sidra opened the bottle of wine and began pouring some into the glasses, she looked at Emily. “How was your time spent with your brothers?” she asked. “I feel like I haven’t talked to you in ages.”
Emily grabbed a bottle of water from the counter. “It was nice. I’m glad that I decided to stay longer,” she answered. Emily had planned on staying with her brothers in Jersey for only a week, but ended up staying the past few weeks with them, just arriving in Philly that day. “They really embraced me for the first time in a long time.”
“What about that dusty sister of yours?” Malajia grunted, earning a glare from Alex.
“I still haven’t spoken to Jazmine,” Emily chortled. “I guess it’s for the best. She stressed me out and I don’t need stress in my life anymore. Last time I had stress, I drank like a fish.”
“Yes, we remember,” Chasity said, taking a sip of her wine. She frowned her face up at the taste. “Yeah, this is the cheap kind.”
“Yup, a whole eight dollars and you better not waste it,” Alex threw back, gesturing to Chasity’s glass.
“It’s nasty,” Chasity bristled, opening a bottle of water.
“Chaz, how did your meeting with Brenda go today?” Sidra asked, causing Chasity to nearly choke on her water. She’d nearly forgotten that she’d spoken to Sidra that previous evening to vent.
“Wait what? You saw her again? Today?” Malajia charged.
“Can we not talk about this right now?” Chasity asked, looking around.
“I’m sorry, I thought everybody knew,” Sidra apologized.
Chasity waved her hand slightly. “Its fine, Sidra.”
“How are you feeling Chaz? What did she say?” Alex pressed, ignoring Chasity’s request not to talk about it.
“Not now Alex,” Chasity insisted.
“Damn the rest of these bitches, why didn’t I know about any of this?” Malajia bit out, pointing to Chasity.
“Don’t call us bitches,” Alex demanded.
“Shut up Alex. Chaz, so is that what we’re doing now? Not telling each other shit anymore?” Malajia fumed.
“If you would answer your fuckin’ phone, then maybe I could tell you shit,” Chasity threw back.
Malajia sucked her teeth. “I haven’t been charging my phone. But whatever, I’ll deal with you later,” she mumbled, grabbing her glass off the counter top, then taking a sip.
––––––––
The girls engaged in casual conversation as they prepared their meal of pasta made from scratch, with grilled shrimp and spinach along with a tossed salad with homemade dressing and homemade biscuits. Alex opened another bottle of wine as the girls sat down at the table.
“What’s up with the candle light, Alex?” Chasity joked as Alex dimmed the overhead light in the kitchen, leaving only the candles on the kitchen table and a dim light over the stove to provide light.
Alex chuckled. “This visit is supposed to be relaxing so candles will help us relax.”
“Candle light don’t do nothing for me but make me horny,” Malajia mocked. “So unless you want me to rub one out under this table, you better turn a damn light on.”
Sidra shook her head as Alex flagged Malajia with her hand. Alex then looked at Chasity’s full glass of wine from earlier. She pointed to it. “Girl, I said don’t waste my wine.”
“Alex, I’m just not drinking that,” Chasity refused. “It taste like it was made with rotten grapes.”
Sidra nearly spat hers out as she tried to hold in her laugh. “It’s not that bad once you get used to it,” she said after a moment. “Hell, Malajia likes it. She drank almost all of the last bottle.”
“No this shit is gross, but it’s numbing me so I’m tolerating it,” Malajia said, sipping hers.
Alex rolled her eyes at the comments. “Let’s just eat,” she suggested.
While the girls began to prepare their plates, Sidra looked at Malajia. “So sweetie, what’s going on with you?” she asked. “That ‘I need you’ text that you sent us sounded desperate... Like you really need to get something off your chest.”
Malajia gave a quick laugh. “Oh girl please, I just did that so I could get everybody together,” she said dismissively. “You know we haven’t hung out in a while.” Malajia’s confession was met with angry and confused glares.
Chasity nonchalantly picked up the now empty wine bottle and pointed it in Malajia’s direction. “Mel, don’t make me slap you in the face with this,” she warned. Chasity was in no mood for Malajia’s foolishness. She’d come to Philly because she thought that Malajia really needed her, not just to hang out.
“Stop it Malajia,” Alex chided, Malajia’s smile faded as she looked down at the table. Alex reached over and rubbed Malajia’s arm. “Come on girl, you look sad. No matter how much you try to crack jokes, we can see that something is bothering you... What’s going on sis?”
Malajia, feeling everything that she was dealing with come to the surface, put her hands over her face as tears flowed from her eyes.
Emily pushed her chair next to Malajia’s, putting her arm around Malajia to comfort her.
“I’m sorry,” Malajia sniffled, wiping her eyes. “I’ve been holding those in since I got here,” she admitted.
“Talk to us,” Alex pressed, voice caring.
“I just...I’m not happy,” Malajia admitted, grabbing her napkin from the table. “...I miss Mark.”
“If you didn’t break up with him, you wouldn’t be missing him right now,” Sidra bit out.
Emily cut her eye at Sidra. “Sidra, don’t be mean.”
“I’m not, but I just don’t get it,” Sidra replied, looking at Malajia. “You told me that you cared for him—”
“I do,” Malajia promised.
“Then why hurt him like that?” Sidra threw back.
Malajia looked down at her hand as more tears fell. “I just felt like...I needed to let him go,” she muttered.
“But why though?” Alex asked, sincere. “It’s clear that that’s not really what you want.”
“Exactly,” Sidra agreed.
“It’s what I felt...” Malajia shook her head. “I wanna fix it.”
“Malajia, you can’t fix anything with Mark until you deal with why you did what you did in the first place,” Chasity said. “You talking to him don’t mean shit if you’re gonna do the same mess later.”
Alex slammed her hand on the table. “Yes,” she approved.
Chasity looked at her, bewildered.
Alex, looked back at her. “Sorry, I get excited when y’all are on point,” she explained. “Carry on.”
Sidra shook her head at Alex, then turned back to Malajia. “Why did you feel like you needed to let Mark go?” she asked. “The truth, sweetie.”
Malajia grabbed her glass of wine and took a sip. She hoped that it would give her the courage to share her feelings. “I...um...”
Emily rubbed Malajia’s shoulder. “The sooner you get it out, the better you’ll feel.”
“I feel like I won’t be any good for Mark because...I’m still dealing with all these feelings about Tyrone,” Malajia revealed hesitantly.
“Feelings like what, exactly?” Chasity asked, raising her eyebrow. “If you say out your mouth that you still care about him, I really am gonna slap you.”
“No, it’s not that,” Malajia reassured her friends. She rubbed her face with her hands; she was feeling much too vulnerable for her liking. “I just—I feel damaged...like Tyrone ruined me....”
“Malajia, you’re not ruined,” Chasity assured her.
“That’s how I feel,” Malajia explained, upset. “And I can’t escape this feeling...too much has happened... I don’t feel good about myself right now and I feel like he deserves someone better.”
“There’s nobody better for Mark, than you,” Emily consoled. “We see how he looks at you.” Malajia wiped her eyes.
“Did you tell him any of this?” Alex wondered.
Malajia shook her head in sorrow. “I can’t even tell my own family...how could I tell him?”
“So tell your family,” Alex advised. “I think that you unloading your burden on all those who love you, will make you feel a lot better Malajia. The more people you have supporting you...the faster you can heal.”
Malajia looked at the table. Deep down, she knew that what they’d been saying was right. She just couldn’t bring herself to do it. “I’m scared,” she admitted.
“I know...but you have to,” Sidra urged, reaching over and grabbing Malajia’s hand. “Do you want one of us to be there with you when you tell them?” she asked. “For support.”
Malajia glanced up at her. “I’ll let you know.” Sidra just nodded. “Thank you,” Malajia added, looking around at her friends. “For being here for me.”
“Anytime, that’s what friends do,” Emily smiled. Malajia smiled back. She felt a little better, for now anyway.
After a few moments of silence while the girls ate more of their food, Alex looked at Chasity. “And you,” she charged, pointing.
Chasity looked at her. “Me, what?”
“You’re not exempt from sharing,” Alex answered, sipping her wine. “What’s going on with Brenda?”
“No, I’m not doing this today,” Chasity refused, waving her hand at Alex. “This visit isn’t about me.”
“This visit is about sharing things you’re dealing with,” Alex clarified. “Malajia shared, and now it’s your turn.”
Chasity let out a loud huff. She realized that she wasn’t going to get out of that house without giving them something. “Fine,” she relented, looking at Alex. “You get to ask me one question.”
“One?” Alex repeated, in disbelief.
“Yes,” Chasity confirmed. “Just one, and I promise to answer truthfully.”
Alex looked to the other girls for help. “Don’t look at us, you better think of a question,” Malajia threw back.
Alex sucked her teeth as she looked back at Chasity, who was staring at her, arms folded in anticipation. “Chaz are you serious?”
“Is that your question?” Chasity jeered.
Alex made a face at her. “No,” she said. Alex racked her brain for her one question. She had so many that she wanted to ask. How did Chasity feel seeing Brenda after all these years? What type of illness does she have? Can she ever forgive her? But rather bog her down with those, she just thought of a simple one. “How are you feeling?” she asked finally.
Chasity shrugged. “I don’t know,” she answered abruptly.
Alex was annoyed and it showed on her face. “You said that you would answer honestly,” she ground out.
“That is an honest answer,” Chasity insisted.
“Whatever Chasity,” Alex argued. “That couldn’t possibly be your answer. You could’ve said anything else. Really? You don’t know? How can you not know?”
“You asked your damn question already, Alexandra,” Chasity hissed. When Alex tossed her hands up in the air out of frustration, Chasity snapped. “Look, ‘I don’t know’ is a legitimate answer because in all honesty, I really don’t know how I’m feeling or how I’m supposed to feel,” she revealed, agitated. “I spent most of my life hating Brenda, then she shows up out of nowhere a few months ago, with the news that she’s dying, and even though it’s a shame, I still hated her... Then she said some shit to me today that has completely fucked me up, so now I don’t know how to feel about her or this entire situation.”
Alex sat in silence as Chasity vented.
“Someone that I’ve known my entire life is dying and everybody in my damn family is sad about it. My mom cries like five times a day and I can’t bring myself to shed one fuckin’ tear over it and I can’t decide if that’s justified because of how she was to me, or if it’s completely heartless. I. Don’t. Know.”
Alex looked down at the table briefly; she felt bad for pressing Chasity. She couldn’t imagine going through any of that. “I’m sorry,” she said sincerely.
“It’s okay,” Chasity replied, face still frowning, bite still in her voice.
Alex sighed as she reached for her glass of wine. I should probably learn to back off when people tell me to, she pondered.
