CHAPTER 3

SERVING AND THE REALITIES OF LIFE

For everything there is a season.

ECCLESIASTES 3:1

I GROAN as the alarm sounds at 5:00 a.m. Thank goodness, I don’t have to get up. The annoying bleep is rousing Matthew so he can catch a flight to some city to speak and raise money for the Dream Center. I try to go back to sleep, but he’s making too much noise showering and packing for his trip. On his way out the bedroom door, Matthew kisses me on the forehead, and I groggily tell him, “Go get ’em, tiger.” I toss and turn for a while and suddenly hear my wake-up call at 6:15. “Too soon,” I mutter.

I shuffle down the hallway to wake up my daughter, Mia, repeating my attempts three to five times within fifteen minutes. I head to the kitchen to get the morning ritual started—make breakfast and pack her a lunch. I notice the time (yikes!) and try to hurry things along. By 7:00, Mia is sitting at the kitchen table gobbling her breakfast, and I’m double-checking that her homework is still in her backpack from last night’s study session.

I can finally pour my first cup of coffee—in a thermal travel cup—to drink as I drive her to school. As Mia heads to the car, I run upstairs to wake up my son, Caden. I bundle him up in a blanket and run to the car where Mia waits. Half asleep, Caden mumbles, “I don’t want to drop Mia off. I want to stay in bed.”

Once Mia is dropped off at the Christian school, Caden and I head home. I feed him breakfast and get him ready for his first-grade homeschool class. By the time his teacher arrives at the house, it’s time for my second cup of coffee and my time with God, studying the Word and praying. The quiet time is energizing and helps motivate me to start tackling the to-do list I make each night that relates to my roles as wife, mother, homemaker, friend, pastor, leader, and now author. From picking up dry cleaning to preparing a message for the upcoming weekend’s women’s conference to attending a PTA meeting—I’m ready to dive in. It’s going to be a great but long day.

People often mistakenly believe that serving others will require an unmanageable sacrifice from them—personally, professionally, and emotionally. That hours spent at a homeless shelter will have negative effects on their own children left at home. Or that adopting a child may demand more of them than they can emotionally handle. Or that being a big sister to an inner-city kid may mean a person has to give up the thought of marriage.

Let me assure you that God does not call you to serve others at the expense of other areas of your life. Certainly there are seasons in our lives that make it difficult, even impossible, for us to do anything outside of managing our lives or our families. There are times our attention must be drawn toward taking care of important personal matters, like tending a sick child or dealing with a family crisis.

Our levels of willingness may change throughout our lives, but the key is staying consistent with what we can give and do. Even now in my life there are times when I have more finances that I can give freely or more time to spend volunteering. And there are other times when I can’t give or do as much. It’s about being faithful in your particular season in life, not doing or giving out of guilt or with a begrudging attitude.

The fact is, I probably had more time and flexibility to serve others before I was blessed with my husband and, later, my two children. My life is so much richer with them. How Matthew and I ever got together in the first place is a miracle story of its own. Thankfully, God had plans to make it happen. Let me share my story before I unpack some balancing strategies for you.

The Relationship That Nearly Wasn’t

I spoke to Matthew for the first time on my second visit to the church. As was customary at every service, he asked the congregation to turn to the person next to them and say hello. Imagine my surprise when twenty-two-year-old Matthew walked right off the stage and headed in my direction, where I sat in the second row on the end. Not only did he shake my hand and introduce himself, he asked if I would go on a date with him! I was taken aback, but flattered. “Sure,” I beamed, with my shiny new braces. Within all of a few seconds, he told me to meet him at the Dream Center at six the following evening.

Then, as quickly as he popped up in front of me with his piercing blue eyes, he hopped back on stage to deliver his message. I didn’t have time to process what had just happened until I drove home after the service. Because our encounter had been over in the blink of an eye, I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing. There was so much commotion that I doubted anyone around heard Matthew’s request. I certainly didn’t say a word to anyone about it.

The next day, I was a bundle of nerves. I hadn’t moved to the Dream Center yet and was still working at Farmers Insurance. I was supposed to meet Matthew after work, so I took a little extra time in the morning getting ready. I knew I had found my calling at the Dream Center, but I didn’t know if spending time with Matthew on a personal level was something God wanted me to do. So I went without expectations.

I waited for Matthew in the main parking lot at six o’clock. Ten minutes passed. No sign of him. Maybe he got tied up with something, I thought, rummaging through my car and cleaning it up a little. Twenty minutes. Still no Matthew. Maybe he forgot? After a half hour of staring down every car that entered the parking lot, wondering if it was him, I finally gave up. A youth service was starting at seven, so I slipped inside.

Truthfully, I was disappointed but also relieved. I felt God was protecting me from what probably would have been a dating disaster. I assumed Matthew’s no-show was an obvious sign that he wasn’t part of God’s plan for me at the Dream Center.

Later that evening, the youth pastor, who had been waiting with Matthew, mentioned that they had been in another parking lot on the other side of the campus. Matthew and I couldn’t have gotten in touch with each other since cell phones were still relatively uncommon and neither of us had one. I was bummed about the missed connection, but felt better that I hadn’t been stood up. For the next two and a half years, although we saw each other around campus and had casual conversations about the ministries we were involved with, neither of us mentioned what had happened that night. I never said anything to Matthew because I figured if he was really interested in me, he would approach me again.

Random Encounters

A few months later, I was volunteering on a Saturday with a program called Adopt-A-Block, a door-to-door ministry where we assist people any way we can in a designated neighborhood. Most of the volunteers worked on this outreach every Saturday on different blocks. I had driven my vintage station wagon to the site. The car was hard to miss, especially with the trail of black exhaust it left in its wake.

At the end of the day, Matthew, who had been working on a nearby block, flagged me down. He needed a ride back to the Dream Center. Oh no, I groaned to myself. I was embarrassed to have him ride in my noisy clunker. If I could have managed it, I would have carried him on my back rather than have him go anywhere in my car. It was awkward, to say the least. Matthew and I practically shouted at each other the few minutes we were together, trying to hear what the other was saying over the obnoxious roar of the car’s muffler. I was relieved when we finally parted ways.

Two and a half years after the first-date debacle, Matthew started calling me into his office for updates about the food truck ministry. After a while, I sensed that the meetings weren’t really necessary; it was Matthew’s excuse to see me. I definitely had a crush on him, but he was my pastor, so I didn’t dwell on my growing feelings. I was confident God had someone special for me to share my life with. Even if it wasn’t Matthew.

The Second First Date

Finally, for the second time, Matthew asked me out on a first date. We went to Disneyland with a delightful escort—his mom! She and I clicked from the start, especially since she had been born in Finland and adopted by Swedish parents. As we were walking along, she surprised me with a question in Swedish: “Would you marry my son?” Although my heart was pounding, I replied calmly and honestly in my native tongue, “I don’t know, but I do like him.” Poor Matthew didn’t have a clue that we were talking about him.

But the question got me thinking about the qualities I admired in her son—Matthew’s heart and love for people; his fearlessness, strength, and winning attitude that he maintained no matter how tough the situation; his contagious joy and kindness. At that moment I wasn’t positive I wanted to be his wife, but I definitely knew I wanted to go out with him again.

On a Sunday afternoon soon after, we went horseback riding in Griffith Park. After we got something to eat, we went roller-skating for an hour or so. Halfway through our final lap, as I gazed into Matthew’s eyes, some kids accidentally slammed into me. The next thing I knew I was outside, next to Matthew’s car. Apparently after I fell, I had gotten up, finished skating, taken off my skates, and walked to the car with Matthew. Then I passed out. Someone inside the rink dialed 911.

When the paramedics arrived, Matthew was gently holding my head in his lap. They began asking me questions: “What’s your name?” “How old are you?” “What year is it?” “Who is the president?” Then one of them asked, “Who is the man next to you?”

“The man of my dreams.”

I don’t remember saying those words, but Matthew definitely heard them. She loves me! It was the confirmation that he was waiting for.

That night I was supposed to manage an Easter Bunny photo booth at the mall, one way I raised money to support my ministry. When I got home from the hospital, I received news that our Easter Bunny had backed out. I needed to find a replacement within the hour. I couldn’t do it; I was under doctor’s orders to stay in bed for forty-eight hours. I was devastated that I might have to call the whole event off. Instead, for six long hours, the man of my dreams wore a hot, smelly bunny costume and posed with hundreds of kids.

That’s when I knew he loved me.

But he wasn’t ready to declare it quite yet.

The Surprise of a Lifetime

Two months later I got a letter from Bill Wilson, a friend of Matthew’s in New York who started an organization called Metro Ministries and whom I had heard speak several times. Bill invited me to the Big Apple to help start their food bank and food truck ministries. I was thrilled. Bill’s assistant, Cherry, picked me up at the airport and we drove into the city, chatting away like long-lost sisters. Because we would be extremely busy the entire week, Cherry said that if I wanted to do any sightseeing, today would be the best day. I agreed. The first stop? The Empire State Building.

On the observation deck, I squeezed in among all the other tourists to take in the breathtaking view of the New York skyline. Cherry directed my attention to the various landmarks. “There’s the MetLife Building and there’s the 59th Street Bridge.” I nodded appreciatively.

As my eyes scanned the city, something diverted my attention on the deck, a few feet away. Matthew? He threw his arms around me and squeezed tight, then took my hand and pulled me out of the crowd.

Suddenly, he cupped his hands and shouted to the crowd. “Can I have everyone’s attention?” My stomach fluttered and my hands were sweaty as he continued. “I want to let you all know that I love this woman more than any woman I could ever love in my life.” When he dropped to one knee, there was a collective gasp.

“Caroline, will you marry me?” He pulled out a black box with a beautiful diamond ring inside.

I laughed and nodded, tears running down my face. The moment I had been waiting for was punctuated with thunderous applause.

A New Beginning

Three thousand people filled the parking lot of the Dream Center on September 10, 1999, to celebrate our wedding. The weather couldn’t have been more perfect, and the sea of rented white chairs hid the potholes and grease stains on the asphalt. Matthew’s father, Tommy, presided over the ceremony, and his closest pastor friends offered prayers and led Communion.

Enjoying the day with us were guests we bused from my remote food sites, the regulars from our homeless sites, pastors from across the country, and people from Matthew’s home church in Arizona as well as our regular church members. The late Lou Rawls, who had been donating time and money to the Dream Center at that time, sang for us.

Afterward, the guests feasted on a potluck buffet as well as an elaborate six-foot-high wedding cake my mom made from a recipe in a French cooking magazine. Matthew and I never sat down or ate a morsel. We were too busy greeting and thanking people for sharing in our lives. It went on for the next four hours.

Steps to Stay Balanced

Today, two beautiful children later—Mia (nine) and Caden (six)—I continue to provide leadership at the Dream Center, dedicating my life to serving God, my family, and others. I wouldn’t be completely honest if I didn’t admit that there are challenging moments, especially when I feel there is not enough time to do all I need to do. Between juggling my family, my friends, and the countless responsibilities I have as a steward of service, it can be stressful.

And I can tell you that meshing a personal life with a life of service requires a balancing act that may take some time and effort, but it can be done. I often think of life as standing on top of a board balanced on a rolling barrel. If you want to maintain your balance, you have to constantly shift and adjust your position on the board.

Our priorities and needs change, depending on where we are in life and what our particular circumstances are. The key is to recognize that as seasons change, we need to reevaluate and refocus our attention on areas that may have been previously neglected.

Determine Priorities

The first step to staying balanced is to decide what is and is not a priority. Here’s how I do it: I make a list of my responsibilities, goals, and tasks, and then I evaluate how much time I spend on them and what matters most. I remind myself of my mission in life—to be able to stand before God knowing that I fulfilled my call to love and be faithful to my husband, children, family, and friends—and determine my priorities based on this statement. Putting this step into practice has helped me learn how to live purposefully.

Eliminate Non-Priority Demands

Second, evaluate and eliminate the things in your life that don’t contribute to what matters most to you. Cut out projects, demands, or requests that others may have persuaded you or pressured you to do. Stop taking tasks merely to please people. Avoid people who drain you or offer only negative energy. Keep your social networking interactions and television viewing to a minimum. Make fewer trips to the store. Make your time with friends worthwhile, not just a gossip fest.

For myself, I learned to cut back on my children’s outside activities. I had made the mistake of overcommitting them to sports and other after-school activities because I wanted them to have a variety of experiences. My motives were good, but when I became involved to an unrealistic degree, it caused undue stress on our family as a whole and a lot of time mismanagement on my part. I’ve since limited my children’s activities to what they are passionate about and what is realistic for the entire family.

Take Time for You

Third, find out what makes you a “better you” so that you can focus on and accomplish your priorities. Life can be tough. We all need to find an outlet to recharge our internal batteries and regain our strength. For some people, this means regular exercise, a hobby, reading, or attending a weekly get-together with uplifting friends. When you make time to do things you enjoy to unwind and recharge, you are better equipped to serve others in and outside of your family and to meet your priorities.

As an introvert, I recharge by spending time by myself. If I don’t have regular alone time, I get cranky and overwhelmed. I have to set aside this “me time” in order to be at my best. Matthew is the exact opposite. A true extrovert, he regains his strength by being around crowds. Being alone drains and depresses him.

Keeping fit also helps clear and sharpen my mind and gives me lasting energy throughout the day. Six days a week, I pop in an exercise video or hop onto the elliptical machine for thirty minutes.

Of course, you can’t spend more time doing these things than what you have prioritized. I love watching cooking shows because they relax me. I TiVo them so I can cut out the commercials. But I know there will be days when I have to turn off the television altogether because getting to bed earlier will make me more efficient at tackling the next day’s priorities.

You Can Find a Balance

I understand that in today’s world, balance is a commodity many of us believe we cannot afford. Women often feel pulled in every direction, stretched to the point of no return, running a hundred miles an hour, only to crash and burn at the end of the day. I don’t believe God designed us to run ourselves ragged so that we begrudgingly serve Him. When God calls us to do something, He will equip us to get the job done.

I try to emulate the godly woman described in Proverbs 31. She is a woman of faith, of virtue, of integrity. She takes care of her family and her health. She is a wise steward of her time and finances. She is charitable and hardworking. The writer doesn’t say that she served others at the expense of her own health, or that she took care of her family but ignored everything else. She had an appreciable amount of responsibilities and was able to balance them appropriately.

Mother Teresa had a good role model for learning the importance of love and sacrifice:

I’ll never forget my own mother. She used to be very busy the whole day, but as soon as the evening came, she used to move very fast to get ready to meet my father. At that time, we didn’t understand, we used to smile, we used to laugh, and we used to tease her. But now I remember what a tremendous, delicate love she had for him. It didn’t matter what happened, she was ready there with a smile to meet him. Today we have no time. The father and the mother are so busy, the children come home and there’s no one to love them, to smile at them. That’s why I’m very strict with my co-workers. I always say: Family first. If you are not there, how will your love grow for one another?6

God does not ask for your willingness to serve at the expense of romancing your husband or wife, loving or spending time with your children, pursuing your dreams or your career, or sabotaging relationships with your friends. Making a difference in the lives of others does take time, hard work, and sacrifice. Most good things do. But it won’t cost you the very things God has blessed you with and wants you to have.

Stella Reed knows that’s true. She serves with her husband, Brad, in pastoring the New York Dream Center. With two kids and a load of responsibilities to juggle, she has learned the art of a balanced life. She shares:

I became a volunteer at the LA Dream Center right out of high school. I was a bold, fearless, and crazy eighteen-year-old ready to take on any challenge. I began to serve in whatever capacity was needed. My heart for youth began to grow immensely the more time I spent with them. During the next twelve amazing years, I invested in the lives of the young people. I also met and married my best friend, Brad Reed, and we began our journey of ministry together.

Three years ago, we began serving at the newly launched NYC Dream Center. It was heart-wrenching to leave LA, the youth, my friends, and everything I had ever known. But I knew I needed to be obedient to God’s voice and He would handle the rest.

The change has stretched me and has forced me to grow. With two small children and another on the way, I have learned a few things about the importance of balance, priorities, and effectively working out my God-given calling. Here are a few things I have learned:

I truly believe there is nothing more impactful for the Kingdom than living out the daily joy of fulfilling our purpose in life. God has promised to give us everything we need to accomplish the purpose He has put us here to fulfill.

Serving Is a Privilege, Not a Burden

I often meet people who feel that helping others will drain them of energy and time and make them cranky, tired, and overwhelmed. They can’t believe they can serve others without sacrificing every bit of themselves in the process.

Let me be clear. God intends for us to approach a life of service with joy. He doesn’t want us to feel forced to serve others. He wants us to live with purpose, gladness, and a sense of adventure.

King Solomon, the wisest man who ever lived, said in Ecclesiastes 9:7-10,

Seize life! Eat bread with gusto,

Drink wine with a robust heart.

Oh yes—God takes pleasure in your pleasure!

Dress festively every morning.

Don’t skimp on colors and scarves.

Relish life with the spouse you love

Each and every day of your precarious life.

Each day is God’s gift. It’s all you get in exchange

For the hard work of staying alive.

Make the most of each one!

Whatever turns up, grab it and do it. And heartily!

(THE MESSAGE)

Did you notice how many exclamation points are in this passage? Talk about an enthusiastic pep talk! King Solomon encourages us to make the most of every day and live to the fullest. My friend Crystal lives a life of joy and adventure. Down through the years, serving others has not been burdensome for her; it’s been a privilege.

Over twenty-four years ago, while serving as a youth leader at a Youth Alive conference in Tacoma, Washington, I had a life-changing moment.

I had spent the day cleaning, washing floors, serving lunch, encouraging, and praying for people. My heart was so full of joy. As I was thinking about all the people I had met and served that day, I heard the Lord whisper to my heart, When you give, it shall be given back. You think this is just about giving money, but it’s also about giving away your life. When you do it to the least of these, you do it unto Me. His presence was so strong in that moment.

I knew God was calling me to leave all I knew. In the fall of 1995, I was watching a TV program and heard Pastors Tommy and Matthew Barnett [father and son] talking about the Dream Center. A year later, I became a part of the ministry.

Being in ministry is not so much what I do, but who I am. I have found no greater joy or privilege than giving all that has been given to me to all those the Lord brings along my path.

Serving others is more than something the Bible commands us to do. It is, in fact, a blessing that will not only change those around us, but will also make a difference in our own lives. Find your place, whatever season of life you’re in, and help those in need. You’ll never regret it.