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The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

GENESIS 2:25

One of the pleasures of marriage is creating a relationship of true intimacy—one where you know your spouse on a deeply personal level that you may never have known was possible.

And one of the frustrations of marriage is learning that, even after all those months and years of courtship and engagement, you didn’t know your spouse as well as you thought you did!

Part of the problem is that as you date, you have a tendency to erect a facade. Secretly you think, If my date really knew me—I mean really knew me—he [or she] wouldn’t like me! So you hide behind some well-crafted “storefronts.” Sure, that facade starts to come down during the engagement, but it’s still there. That’s one reason why a couple is surprised at the conflicts they experience during the first year of marriage—each facade crumbles, true intimacy occurs, and the process of learning how to truly love the real person you married begins.

When David and Sabrina were dating, she thought he was the perfect Prince Charming:

He did a lot of wonderful things, like take me on romantic dates and listen intently to my stories. One of the biggest impressions he made was the fact that even though he was a football fan, he rarely watched it on television. . . .

What I didn’t know then was that after he dropped me off from our dates, he would stay up hours after midnight researching professional football players on the Internet and updating his fantasy football rosters. Funny . . . he conveniently forgot to mention that to me!

So she was shocked when, after their wedding, she discovered that her Prince Charming loved to watch NFL football on television. All day on Sunday and on Monday nights and on Thursday nights—football consumed his life from September through January.1

How well do you know each other? What facades need to be deconstructed? One of your goals during your engagement should be to learn about each other and, in the process, build a solid base of communication. Learn how to talk to each other and to listen to each other. Open up about your lives—your experiences, your family backgrounds, your goals and dreams, your values and faith. This is the time to start a lifelong conversation.

Getting to know each other requires transparency. This special type of unreserved openness is described in Genesis before the Fall: “The man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.”

Adam and Eve were uncovered physically, and they did not cover up emotionally. Before the fall, Adam and Eve were a picture of true transparency—unashamed of who they were, open to each other and unafraid of rejection.

But after the Fall, “they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings” (Genesis 3:7, NASB). Those famous fig-leaf aprons were only part of their cover-up. Sin introduced a lot more than modesty. It also brought in deceit, lying, trickery, half-truths, manipulation, misrepresentation, distortion, hatred, jealousy and control, among many other vices, all causing us to wear masks.

As you work on building transparency in your relationship, several important principles need to be practiced:

  1. Become a “safe” person by building an atmosphere of trust and acceptance. Major in listening, and minor in talking. Ask questions to draw each other out. Follow the advice of James 1:19: “Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak” Your commitment of love will allow your future spouse to begin to drop the facade, be real and not fear rejection.
  2. Don’t ignore red flags. As you learn more about each other, sometimes patterns or deep-rooted issues will surface that cannot be ignored. Do you find yourself arguing a lot? Is your future spouse able to control anger? Any problems with accepting responsibility? Holding a job? Rationalizing questionable behavior? Don’t let relational red flags like these go unaddressed. Talk about them with a pastor, counselor or mentor—now, not later.
  3. Make a commitment to one another that there will be no major surprises after you are married. Deceiving your future spouse by hiding issues or sins behind a facade can create major distrust after you marry. All major issues—such as past sexual experiences, sexual or physical abuse, major financial problems, viewing or reading pornography, or having had or encouraged an abortion—need to be disclosed and discussed before marriage. And if you need help in processing what has been shared, do not hesitate to seek wise counsel.

No matter how well you know each other now, you will often surprise each other as you continue your lifelong journey of discovering true intimacy in marriage, one of God’s finest gifts. But the surprises should be only minor ones.

Image Discuss Image

  1. Why does the thought of true transparency in a relationship, in the spirit of Genesis 2:25, sometimes seem threatening? How does transparency benefit a relationship? How comfortable are you in being transparent with one another? (Rate yourself on a 1-10 point scale—1 being closed and 10 being totally transparent.) Why?
  2. Here are some fun questions to spark your conversation:
  3. Here is a challenging question for more serious discussion: Are there any secrets that you need to discuss with your spouse-to-be? Decide on a time and a location that will provide the opportunity to fully discuss the issue(s). Process your response of love and forgiveness. (Caution: If you can’t forgive, find a godly counselor to discuss and process this with.) Commit to one another that there will be no major surprises after you marry.
  4. Pray that your marriage would be free of fear, one of growing openness, honesty and trust.

Note

1. For more of Sabrina’s thoughts, read Sabrina Beasley, “Help! I Married a Sinner,” FamilyLife, 2013, at http://www.familylife.com/articles/topics/marriage/staying-married/forgiveness/help-i-married-a-sinner#.UcnWcuDW6QI.