Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will exalt you.
JAMES 4:10
Why are you getting married?
Chances are your answers would include some or all of the following:
I could sum up all these statements in one sentence: Most people get married because they want to be happy. And on one level, there’s nothing wrong with that. When God brings two people together in marriage, it is a happy and joyful event. He means it for good in their lives.
But on another level, marriage will never work if it’s all about you and your happiness.
In the previous two devotions I wrote about the nonnegotiables of life, and they all focused on God. Life is not about you—it’s about God. It’s about who He is. It’s about His purposes and what He is up to on planet Earth. All this also applies directly to your marriage.
That’s what Derrick and Maria Purcell discovered, though I wouldn’t recommend the path they took. They thought they had set up their marriage well. Maria writes:
Dating Derrick was a joy. We not only spent time getting to know each other, but also attended church events together and participated in community outreach projects. His proposal was planned and very romantic. We prepared a marriage ceremony and reception that gave God the glory, and we thought that our life together would be great.
Like so many couples in marriage, they were soon surprised to learn how selfish they each were. And a marriage based on happiness doesn’t work when your spouse’s self-centered idea of happiness is different from your self-centered idea. Maria’s marriage was a case in point:
Derrick had the “I am the king of this house and you will serve me” syndrome. After being single for 33 years, he wanted all of the attention on himself. His parents had always praised him and he expected the same from me. He said that he felt like he received more respect at work and from friends than he did at home.
I had been a single mom for years and had worked hard raising my girls all alone. I wanted to be “queen of the house” and felt like my king should serve me. I thought I deserved this after doing things for myself and everyone else for so long. I wanted Derrick to do life my way while pampering and spoiling me.
We didn’t recognize God in our marriage, but pretended it was perfect when we were in front of our friends or at church. We lived more as roommates and didn’t know how to compromise. Working at marriage was foreign to us. We thought since we were Christians, marriage would just work itself out.
Neither of us was willing to budge—we were both very stubborn and selfish.
After four years of struggle, Maria heard about FamilyLife’s Weekend to Remember marriage getaways. They decided to attend. She figured Derrick would learn that he was the reason their marriage wasn’t working, but he told her, “Now you will see that I am right and you are wrong.”
Instead, they learned that both of them were at fault. “We learned that we were each other’s gift from God and that the Lord needed to be at the center of our relationship.” They understood their need to set aside their selfish desires and commit their lives and marriage to Christ.
In serving the Lord I’ve learned to serve my husband. I’ve learned to accept Derrick unconditionally and now allow him to be the man of God and the leader of our home that God has called him to be. In doing this I not only gained a husband, but also gained a friend. I had to let go of myself to receive what the Lord had for me. . . .
Sometimes I sit back and think, My God, I cannot believe that we have come this far. Derrick and I were two very strong-willed people who just would not budge. But now we have the tools to make our marriage work. We’ve learned to do marriage God’s way.
Derrick and Maria saw their marriage change when they realized that their marriage had a bigger purpose than their happiness, and they humbled themselves before God.
Discuss