Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother.
GENESIS 2:24
A few weeks after their wedding, a young husband came home to find his wife in tears. She told him that his father had called her and said, “I cannot believe you forgot my wife’s birthday.” In the father’s mind, it was her responsibility to keep up with such occasions like these—even birthdays for her in-laws.
The young man knew what he had to do. First he got on the phone with his mother and said, “Mom, I want to apologize for not sending you a birthday card or present. I’m really sorry about that.” Then he asked to talk with his father.
“Dad, this is the only time I want to have this conversation with you,” the young man said sternly but respectfully. “I never want you to do that to my wife again. My loyalty now is to her, and if you have a problem with something I have done, then you need to talk to me.”
I wonder how many young husbands would have stepped up with that type of courage in similar circumstances. What impresses me is that not only did the new husband honor his mother through his apology, but he also did not hesitate to let his father know that he (the father) had overstepped his boundaries. And in the process the young husband let his new bride know that she was the new priority in his life.
When you marry, you face a difficult balancing act with your parents. On one hand, you have the fifth of the Ten Commandments: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the Lord your God is giving you” (Exodus 20:12). No matter what your age, you should honor your parents by spending time with them, thanking them for what they’ve done well, caring for them as necessary and, yes, remembering their birthdays!
On the other hand, you have Genesis 2:24, part of the narrative where God creates the institution of marriage: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.” The Hebrew word translated here as “leave” means to forsake dependence upon, to leave behind, to literally let go. As difficult as it may be, when you marry, you declare to the world, “No other person on earth is more important to me than my spouse.” Your spouse becomes a higher priority than your parents.
So how do you balance leaving your parents while also honoring them? Here are a few suggestions:
1. When you marry, if at all possible, set up your own home and family. This means more than physically living apart from your parents; it also involves setting your own schedule, creating your own family traditions, and establishing your own values and priorities—among other things.
Early in marriage, one of the most common points of conflict with in-laws is holidays. Where will you spend Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter or other occasions? It is difficult for many to accept the fact that those holidays will never be the same as they were. Well ahead of these occasions, talk about expectations and possibilities with your parents. Be creative and flexible, and guide your parents to be the same.
2. Sever all dependence on your parents. One of the most common problems a newly married couple faces is allowing parents to bail them out of financial difficulty. I know of one couple that kept turning to the wife’s parents to bail them out after a series of poor financial choices. As a result, the husband was not forced to step up to his responsibility to provide for his family and to live with the consequences of poor choices. It undermined his self-respect as a man, and his wife lost her respect for him as well.
It’s also important to sever emotional dependence. Some spouses are so accustomed to consulting their parents, for example, that they feel uncomfortable making decisions on their own. There’s nothing wrong with getting advice and wise counsel from your parents. The problem comes when either you consider your parent’s opinion so important that you follow their advice only to please them or you lack confidence in your ability to make good decisions independently. Learn how to lean upon one another, and make decisions prayerfully as a couple.
3. Look for opportunities to spend time with your parents. Leaving does not mean total withdrawal from your parents relationally; that’s abandonment, not leaving. If they live fairly close by, look for ways for you as a couple to spend time together with them throughout the year—an extended weekend, an occasional dinner or a visit to your new apartment or house.
If your parents live far away, you will need to make a special effort to visit them on a regular basis during weekends, vacations, etc. This will involve flexibility and sacrifice, but that’s part of what family is all about.
4. Don’t allow your parents to manipulate you. Manipulation by parents is one of the most difficult issues to address. Your parents know you well, and they know what buttons to push so that you will do what they want. Sometimes they don’t even realize how they are being manipulative. If you run into this problem, first seek counsel from an older couple who may have ideas about how to easily resolve the issue. If need be, lovingly establish boundaries to establish your independence.
5. Protect each other. Don’t criticize your spouse to your parents or share how your spouse has failed. If you are having a conflict with your spouse, don’t get advice from your parents.
I once made the mistake of making a negative comment about Barbara to my mother. It was not a major issue, and I soon forgot it—but my mom didn’t. For years she brought up that comment occasionally, and I realized that I had not protected Barbara as I should have.
For many of you, the act of leaving your parents will be one of the most challenging steps of your life. But it’s a vital step in the process of growing up and establishing your own home.
Discuss