BY BARBARA RAINEY
Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins. Show hospitality to one another without grumbling. As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards of God’s varied grace.
1 PETER 4:8-10
Whether your wedding is months, weeks or days away, one thing is certain: You are in the middle of one of the most stressful periods of your lives. Perhaps you’ve already learned that planning a wedding is a breeding ground for tension . . . and conflict.
Congratulations! We’re so excited you’re going to be part of our family! And guess what? The first thing we’re going to do is work together to put on one of the biggest, most complex and most emotional events of our lives!
For most brides, the day they are to be wed is something they’ve been dreaming about since they were little girls. Many have imagined details that would astonish the groom—the dress, the flowers, the colors, the music, the food.
For many parents, the day their child is to be wed is something they’ve been anticipating for many years. For them it is a culmination of their parenting years—a celebration of God’s provision of a spouse for their child, an opportunity to rejoice in who their child has become, an occasion to mark a child becoming an independent adult. It’s a momentous event for them, and they want to share it with family and friends.
Each family brings its own experiences and traditions into a wedding—its own sense of “normal” (more about the new normal in devotion 18). Sometimes all the differences mix easily, with little anxiety. But sometimes the differences are so great that problems and conflicts arise.
Maybe the groom’s parents feel that too many people are being invited to the rehearsal dinner. Perhaps the bride and groom want a small, outdoor wedding, but her parents want a traditional church wedding with all their friends in the audience. Some grooms want to be very involved in all the details; some could not care less. Brides are no different, either gladly delegating the decisions and responsibilities or confidently writing the script and directing the entire cast of characters. In the worst scenarios, strong wills clash, and everyone involved becomes hurt and angry and eager for the whole thing to be over.
Two common mistakes visit every couple and their parents during the planning. First, in their eagerness and excitement they don’t take time to consider everyone’s perspective and expectations. Second, they don’t think of the bigger meaning inherent in every wedding.
I thought the wedding is about us! It’s our day, might be your first thought. And you would be right. But you would also be wrong. While you as a couple are the stars of the show, your supporting cast members need to feel valued, or hurt feelings will dampen everyone’s enjoyment of the day.
A wedding is all about honor. God is honored for bringing you together and for creating the institution of marriage. You are honored as a couple as you occupy center stage. Parents are honored with front-row seating. Friends and family are honored with the privilege of being attendees, witnessing the celebration whether grand or simple.
Having been a bride who planned her own wedding and then the mother of the bride or groom four times, here are a few suggestions based on personal experience:
1. Use this as an opportunity to build teamwork as a couple by talking about and listening to each other’s desires and expectations for the wedding. Listening is an important quality in marriage, so practice it now. Ask questions to understand the why behind each other’s preferences on size of wedding and reception, budget, etc. (see also devotion 18).
Talk about how you can honor God and family in your ceremony and reception. (For example, you might consider honoring your parents by writing them letters of gratitude, or a tribute as mentioned earlier, for what they’ve done well in raising you.) Decide what is most important to you and what you’re willing to compromise on.
2. Talk to and listen to all the parents involved. Tell them that you want to do your best to understand their hopes and dreams and that you don’t want to offend in any way. At the same time, let them know that, although you want everyone to be happy with the wedding, it’s impossible for everyone to be happy about every decision.
Saying up front that you want to include them goes a long way. Even if your wedding is next week, you can still say, “Thank you for all you have done up to this point. Is there anything we can add at this late date to make our day more like you’ve always imagined?” Or perhaps simply say, “Thanks for all you have done to make our wedding so wonderful. We hope you will enjoy it as much as we will.”
Ultimately each parent is an individual who wants to be valued and appreciated and included. If your goal is to give each of them that value, your wedding will indeed be glorious.
3. Give everyone involved the same grace that God gives to you. As 1 Peter 4:8-10 tells us, we should love one another, serve one another and show hospitality without grumbling. When disagreements happen—and they will—be quick to apologize if you are at fault; if you’re not at fault, give grace to those who are. There is always more going on behind the scenes than you realize.
Giving grace will be necessary for the rest of your life, so practicing it today is a good idea. The relationships you have with most of the people involved with your wedding will be waiting when you return from your honeymoon, so nurturing them well will pay dividends later.
Discuss