Perfect love casts out fear.
1 JOHN 4:18
I recall the day that I asked Barbara why she had not disciplined one of our children for what appeared to be a clear instance of disobedience. I was surprised when she replied that she wasn’t confident of her judgment. “You’re a great mom,” I told her. “And your batting average is far better then you are giving yourself credit for. Trust your judgment and decide—God will lead you. And I have confidence in you!”
Later Barbara told me that she needed my encouragement—it showed that I believed in her, even when she didn’t believe in herself.
We all need the love and encouragement of friends, family and mentors; but there’s nothing like the support of a spouse. You may not realize it yet, but nobody else will have as much power to build you up as your spouse will have—not even your parents.
This is something Barbara and I learned early in our marriage. I will never forget what a surprise it was for me as a young man, a new husband, to realize that my wife had serious questions about herself, that she had self-doubt. She needed me to believe in her, to help her, to point her to Christ as her sufficiency. And Barbara discovered how much I needed her to help me become the man God was calling me to be.
You have a special power in the life of the person who is about to become your spouse. And there are two ways you can express this power when you are married:
First, love and accept your spouse-to-be unconditionally. True intimacy in marriage is risky. We all fear rejection, and in marriage it’s common to think, If you really knew me, you wouldn’t accept me. If you really knew what I am like on the inside—who I am as a person—you would reject me. You might not love me anymore. So the more you are transparent in your marriage—freely sharing your deepest thoughts and emotions—the more vulnerable you feel. Is it any wonder that a divorce is so traumatic? The person who knows you the best has rejected you.
It is powerful to know that the one who knows you best loves you the most—that your future spouse accepts you and loves you in spite of all your faults. As 1 John 4:18 says, “Perfect love casts out fear.”
Accepting your future spouse and loving him or her unconditionally means continually remembering that he or she is God’s gift to you. It means giving him or her the freedom to fail and when failure happens, offering forgiveness. It means making your home a safe place where your spouse knows he or she can be him- or herself without condemnation. It means loving your spouse as Christ loves the Church.
Second, look for ways to build up your future spouse. This does not mean controlling or manipulating your spouse-to-be to meet your standards or specifications. But you do have a special power in your relationship to encourage and help your future spouse walk more closely with God and become the man or woman God desires.
Does your spouse-to-be get discouraged? Be a cheerleader who will accept every failure, celebrate each victory and provide gentle encouragement to press forward and be courageous. One thing Barbara has done for me over the years is remind me of the truth about who I am: I am God’s man. She reminds me of what God has done for me, for us as a couple and for us as a family. This is especially helpful when I’m feeling doubtful or discouraged or lacking confidence as I’m facing a tough situation.
Does your future spouse have difficulty making decisions? You can come alongside and help build his or her self-confidence. Coach and encourage your future spouse in how to think through choices; point out good decisions made in the past; help analyze poor decisions so that lessons can be learned from them.
Does your spouse-to-be have potential that needs to be nurtured? Many of us barely know what we do well at the time we’re married. Become a student of your future spouse. What are his or her unique gifts and abilities? At what does he or she excel? What do you see your spouse-to-be doing that he or she really enjoys. Expand your future spouse’s borders—to try something dreamed about but never before given permission to try.
In recent years I’ve encouraged Barbara to pursue her interest and skill in art, and it’s been a delight to see how she has blossomed. It’s even turned into an outreach as she has begun developing beautiful resources to help families know and apply the Scriptures and bring meaning to holidays.
God has indeed given you a special power in the life of your future spouse. The question is, How will you use it?
Discuss