But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality.
EPHESIANS 5:3 (NIV )
High school chemistry taught me a very valuable lesson: When certain substances come into close contact, they form a chemical reaction. I proved that during my senior year of high school when I dropped a jar full of pure sodium off a bridge into a river and nearly blew up the bridge!
What I’ve learned since then is that many people don’t respect the laws of chemistry any more than I did as a teenager. They mix volatile ingredients without giving much thought to the consequences. I’ve discovered that many people also don’t understand that a chemical reaction can occur with someone other than their spouse.
Don’t misunderstand me—I’m not just talking about sexual attraction. I’m referring to a reaction of two hearts, the chemistry of two souls. When you are married and you begin talking with someone of the opposite sex about intimate struggles, doubts or feelings, you may be sharing your soul in a way that God intended exclusively for the marriage relationship. This is emotional adultery—an intimacy with the opposite sex outside of marriage, an unfaithfulness of the heart. Emotional adultery is friendship with the opposite sex that has progressed too far.
This can be a difficult subject for engaged couples to grasp. You probably can’t imagine becoming emotionally entangled with anyone else. But it’s important to understand how easily this can happen and to take some precautions to protect your marriage relationship, starting even before your wedding day. Take note of the following actions that could result in emotional adultery:
Connecting with another person as a substitute for your future spouse will be the beginning of your travel down a road that veers off too often into the ditches of adultery and divorce. So how do you protect yourself to keep this from occurring?
First, know your boundaries. Put fences around your heart to protect sacred ground reserved only for your spouse, and start putting up the fences now. Barbara and I are careful to share our deepest feelings, needs and difficulties only with each other.
For some, this may mean gracefully and tactfully pulling back on some friendships with the opposite sex. Perhaps you have a good friend who has been a sounding board and encouragement for years. The problem is that this relationship has changed now that you’ve committed yourself to marriage. That type of transparency should be reserved only for your intended.
Second, realize the power of your eyes. Your eyes are indeed the windows to your soul. Pull the shades down if you sense someone is pausing a little too long in front of your windows. I realize that good eye contact is necessary for effective conversation, but there’s a deep type of look that must be reserved only for your future spouse.
Frankly, I don’t trust myself. Some women may think I’m insecure because I don’t hold eye contact very long, but I don’t trust my sinful nature. I’ve seen what has happened to others, and I know it could happen to me.
Finally, never stop courting your spouse-to-be after you are married. One of the most liberating thoughts I’ve ever had in my marriage relationship is that I will never stop competing for Barbara’s love. As a result of that commitment, I work at being creative in how I communicate with her relationally, emotionally, spiritually and sexually.
I am well aware that if I start taking her for granted, someone else could walk into her life and catch her at a weak point. My constant goal is to deepen our relationship and let her know that she is still the woman I decided to carry off to the castle in 1972.
Many people who commit adultery express surprise that it happened; they talk as if they were carried along by an irresistible force of nature. But remember that nobody who stands 40 feet away from the edge falls off a cliff. The danger comes when a person inches closer and closer to the precipice. Make your relationship such a priority that you don’t come anywhere near the edge.
Discuss