For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.
ROMANS 3:23
A young man came to me for counsel before he was married. He was 32, and he was still a virgin. But his fiancée had just confessed to him that she had had a sexual relationship with a man in the past, before she had become a Christian. So this young man was struggling—he had saved himself, had prayed for God to give him a wife, and now he was about to marry a woman who would not be able to offer him the same gift he had saved for her.
As we talked, it was interesting to hear him freely admit how God had forgiven him many times over the years for a variety of issues. He didn’t deny his past transgressions. But because of the importance of the sexual union, his fiancée’s transgression was a difficult issue for him to settle, and I could understand that.
You know what he did? He chose to forgive her, love her and receive her as God’s gift to him. He married her. And it’s important to note that she chose to receive him in his fallen state as well. His being “pure” in one area didn’t mean that he wasn’t tarnished in other areas.
Marriage is the union of two broken, selfish and sinful people. And isn’t that true of all of us? “All [of us] have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23). That’s why marriage is such a beautiful picture of Christ’s relationship with the Church—we choose to forgive each other, receive each other and commit to love one another just as God did with us through Christ.
All of us are influenced by what has happened in the past. We’ve all made some good choices and some bad ones. And though we are new creatures in Christ, we still carry the scars of our sins in the past—they influence how we act and how we treat one another.
The past eventually pushes to the surface in a relationship; it won’t stay hidden. Remember, you are about to pledge to give everything you are—past, present and future—to your future spouse. However, there may be some issues from your past that you are ashamed about or embarrassed by, and you may be afraid to admit them to your spouse-to-be. Yet if you don’t, you will always wonder, If he really knew me, would he still love me? These secrets can threaten your relationship. And you will miss out on the real power and majesty of what God wants you to experience in your marriage.
Here are a few principles to remember when dealing with past sin experiences:
1. The truth needs to come out now. If past sins emerge after you are married, the revelation might create feelings of betrayal. And it might destroy the trust you need to sustain your marriage.
For example, suppose that one of your past sins was immorality. Imagine what would happen to your relationship if, after the marriage, a visit to a doctor revealed that you had a sexually transmitted disease—and that your spouse now had the disease (you’d be surprised at how often this happens).
Or what if you have had problems with handling money, with alcohol or drugs, or with pornography? What if you’ve been involved with an abortion? To the best of your ability, you need to admit these failures now, not later.
This doesn’t mean you should confess all the morbid details, especially in regard to sexual matters (those images don’t need to be crashing around in your intended’s mind). But hiding the issues will lead to bigger problems in the future.
2. Dealing with the past gives you the opportunity to experience the beauty of forgiveness. Remember, forgiveness is the heart of Christianity and the heart of marriage. You are two imperfect sinners who will become one in marriage, and you will be pledging to express continually God’s love and compassion and forgiveness to each other. That is a beautiful thing! It’s what marriage is about, and you will forgive over and over and over again.
Frankly, if before you get married you cannot forgive each other as Christ has forgiven you, you should not get married. It’s that simple. If you can’t exercise forgiveness now, what guarantee can you give that you will be able to exercise it later? Being unwilling to forgive is a deal breaker.
3. “Perfect love casts out fear” (1 John 4:18). The past can tear down a person. It can wound the soul. But unconditional love in a marriage is a healing force. It says, “I embrace you, I receive you, I accept you. You are God’s gift to me, no matter what has happened in the past, and no matter what I will learn in the future.”
There will still be surprises in the future. The shadow of past experiences will affect you in ways that you cannot predict. But revealing past sins now provides a wonderful place for a marriage to start—a place of grace, forgiveness, love and total commitment.
Remember: To forgive others means you give up the right to punish them. If you struggle with forgiving your future spouse because of some past failure or indiscretion, we encourage you to get alone with God and work through forgiving him or her before you get married.
Reflect: Both of you should take some time to prayerfully consider your past and evaluate if there are issues that need to be shared with your future spouse. Ask God for wisdom to determine if a third party (pastor, counselor, or a godly advisor) needs to help in the process of communicating these issues.
Discuss