If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
ROMANS 12:18
I wish I knew how to relate to my mother-in-law. Sometimes we get along wonderfully, and she seems like a real friend. And at other times she treats me like I’m a child. Last week we had dinner at their house, and she was ordering me around and correcting me like I was a servant. She wants to be in charge, and gets angry if I don’t do what she wants. Does she forget that I’m an adult now, with a family and home of my own?
Those words echo the feelings of countless young husbands and wives as they learn how to relate to their in-laws. But I left one thing out: The man who uttered these words has been married for over 25 years. “I never dreamed that I’d still be dealing with these same issues after all these years,” he says. This man’s dilemma illustrates a simple truth about marriage that seems to elude many people when they get married.
When you get married, you make a commitment to love your spouse “until death do you part,” right?
Right.
Do you understand that this means you’re also making a commitment to your spouse’s family?
Of course.
And that they will be part of your lives for 30, 40, 50 years—“until death do you part”?
Really? That long?
You aren’t just marrying your spouse. You’re joining a family— with its own traditions and eccentricities and patterns of belief and behavior. You will be part of their lives, part of their history that is being written each day and each month.
You may be spending holidays with them for the rest of your life. You may join them for vacations, family dinners, birthdays, anniversaries, weddings and funerals. Those in-laws who think you aren’t good enough to marry their child? In 30 years you may be helping make decisions about whether those in-laws can continue living on their own.
I hope that you will find that joining a new family is a rich experience. But it’s very likely that you will, at least occasionally, also find it challenging, beginning with the days that lead up to your wedding.
The Scriptures don’t specifically address how to survive a three-day family reunion with your in-laws and extended family. But take a look at the advice on relationships in 1 Peter 3:8-12 and see if it doesn’t seem written with in-laws in mind:
Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind. Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing. For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit; let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it. For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”
It’s one thing to apply this passage to relationships with neighbors, coworkers or friends. But it may be more difficult to apply it to new family members, because you (and they) live life up close and personal. You all see the good, the bad and, no doubt, the ugly in each other. But this passage may still be your survival guide if you keep these points in mind:
1. Maintain an attitude of sympathy, brotherly love, tenderness and humility. As a couple, be the ones in your family who consistently demonstrate the love of Christ. There will likely be a person or two in your spouse’s family that will be your “irregular” person—a person difficult to love and get along with. Make up your mind to allow the Holy Spirit to love that person through you; and express toward that person tenderness, humility and, as needed, compassion.
2. Return a blessing for evil. What are you going to do when your mother-in-law intentionally hurts you or insults you, repeatedly? The natural impulse is to seek revenge, but Scripture calls you instead to forgive her and to do something that may be even more challenging than forgiving: to go on the offensive and to bless her by being kind to her, serving her, or by finding ways to encourage her.
3. Keep your tongue from evil. Fight against the temptation to play the game of one-upmanship. It serves no real purpose if when your in-laws are critical of you, you are even more critical of them behind their backs or possibly even to their faces.
4. Be a peacemaker, not a troublemaker. Don’t allow bitterness to grow in your heart. Seek to resolve conflicts quickly. Fulfill Romans 12:18: “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” That may not be truly possible to be in total peace, but as much as it depends upon you, seek to be at peace with your in-laws.
There will be much in your new family that you cannot control. Decide to look at your situation this way: As you grow in wisdom and spiritual maturity and consistently demonstrate the love of Christ, you can become a force for good in your new family. No matter what they believe about Christ, they will have the opportunity to see Him working in you. You may never see their attitudes change toward God or you, but you will have done what is right in God’s eyes.
Discuss