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How good and pleasant it is when God’s people live together in unity!

PSALM 133:1 (NIV)

Whenever we talk about teamwork in marriage, one of the most common questions we hear is, “How do you make decisions, especially when you differ and disagree?”

This is one of those gritty issues in marriage. Differing values, priorities, personalities, spiritual maturity, family backgrounds, understanding of biblical roles and responsibilities—they all come together in the multitude of decisions you will make together as a couple. And this is one of the great tests of oneness in marriage.

Especially when you disagree.

When someone asks Barbara and me what we do when we disagree on a decision, our answer is: We believe it is clear that the Bible teaches that the husband is ultimately responsible for the direction of the marriage and family. Ephesians 5:22-23 clearly spells this out: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior.” As the “head” of his wife, the husband has the responsibility to listen carefully to his wife and her perspective, go prayerfully with his wife before God and consider the circumstances, and lead them in making a decision. If they can’t come to an agreement, it falls upon him to make a decision.

Sounds pretty clear, doesn’t it? But there’s an additional perspective we need to add: There have only been a handful of times in over 41 years of marriage when we haven’t been able to reach a consensus and I have made the final decision. And that’s the real love story here.

If you are operating in harmony as a couple, you will not face many decisions on which you strongly disagree. We’ve disagreed with one another hundreds of times, but we’ve taken the time to understand where the other person is coming from, and we’ve usually worked the issue out.

The following are a few principles that we’ve practiced over the years that have helped us make decisions:

1. At all times, seek to check your selfishness and pride. It’s interesting to note how often the concept of unity and harmony in the Scriptures is tied to humility. First Peter 3:8, for example, tells us, “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind.” It’s important for both of you to truly be humble and “hear” your spouse’s perspective—and to consider what God’s will truly is in the situation.
2. Decide together on your core family values. By “values,” I mean what is important to you. How will you measure success in your marriage and family? What values are you truly living for? What set of core convictions will determine how big a house you will live in or what kind of car to drive? What values will drive decisions on how much money to give away or how many extra hours you will work each week if that means more time away from your children?

   When we began to list our values early in marriage, we suddenly realized we were distilling the essence of our lives—who we were, our convictions and what we were about. Here is the order of our big-picture values:

   • Our personal relationship with God
   • Our marriage
   • Our children

   All other issues, such as decisions relating to vocation and career, are evaluated in light of their impact on these three supreme priorities. We agreed that no other success would matter if we failed on these three.

   Once we decided the big issues, we each wrote down the top five values that were important to us as individuals, and then we compared our lists. We discovered that a number of our values were different, which revealed why we were feeling some pressure and tension in our marriage.

   For example, one of my top values was building relationships, but that wasn’t even in Barbara’s top five! She had listed “work ethic” as one of her most important values, but that wasn’t on my top five list. We then sat down and hammered out what became our “Top Five Values” list. This exercise gave us the opportunity to understand each other better, and all these values helped us through the years as we’ve made various decisions.

3. Generally defer to each other in your areas of responsibility. In many situations with the children, for example, Barbara will be far more versed and have much more insight into what is going on with each child emotionally and circumstantially. I may disagree with her on something, but usually I try to defer to her intuition in whatever the situation is. In a similar way, Barbara has not been as close to the finances as I’ve been, and in this area she has frequently deferred to me and my wisdom.
4. If you can’t come to a consensus, trust in God to give the husband the wisdom to make the right choice. You will be surprised how often you will come to a consensus on your decisions when you work through this process. Nevertheless, on some occasions you will face a stalemate. If you have a roleless marriage—where there is no final authority—the stalemate will produce ambiguity and tension. In such a marriage, the stronger personality usually wins the power struggle.

   We feel more comfortable trusting in God to work through the husband in these situations. This doesn’t mean that the husband has permission to choose his own way—he is still bound by his responsibilities to treat his wife as a fellow heir in Christ and love her as Christ loves the Church.

Discuss

Answer the following questions individually, and then discuss them as a couple:

1. Read Ephesians 4:2-3; Philippians 2:1-3; and 1 Peter 3:8. How would you apply these passages to the task of making decisions together as a couple?
2. What’s an example of a time when you disagreed on a decision and came to a consensus that pleased both of you?
3. If you can, list one or two occasions when you operated from wrong motives and forced a decision on your future spouse.
4. Are there any issues facing you now where you are stuck in a disagreement? How could the principles from this devotion help you in this decision?
5. After sharing your answers with each other, pray that God will give you humility and unity in the decisions you make together in the time before your marriage—and afterwards.