Dear Denise,
Tonight has been a very strange night and I don’t think it will mean a whole lot to anyone but you. Things are happening fast. Last night Terri and I went to a play at the university. The play was pretty good, but what happened after was even better. We wanted to go to Caesars but we didn’t have a ride so we started walking. These two guys—heads, long hair—pulled up and asked if we wanted to go to the Spirit concert. I said no, we had to be home. They were going to turn us on to a joint but they couldn’t find one, so they gave us three hits of speed instead. We started to walk off and they said, “Do you want a ride?”
Remember that night I told you about? On the bus coming back from LA? Well, I got a flash of that. I started to say no, but Terri said, “Sure.” They were in a truck so I had to sit on the one dude’s lap. The conversation went like this:
Him: “So you have to be home early?”
Me: “My mom’s pretty protective.”
“I would be too.” (Smile.) “Yeah I really would be.”
(Weird look at him, then I smile.)
Him: “So you’ve lived in Vegas your whole life, huh?”
Me: “How’d you know that?”
“I just know.”
I asked him if he’d ever seen the high rollers gamble at Caesars. “$1 million on the table, and they don’t even think about it!”
He says, “Just think of all the people you could help with that money.”
My mind is completely blown. I’m thinking, Wow, this guy I’m afraid of is a real person! Maybe a good person. By this time we are almost to Caesars. He takes my hand and kisses it! I start to pull away, but I don’t really want to. I wanted to stay with him forever.
We are pulling into Caesars now. I felt like saying, “Take us with you.” But Terri got out, so I just hugged him and let them drive away thinking what a bitch I am. I blew it.
At Caesars we took the whites they gave us and went to fish some change out of the fountain to buy a burger. When my whites came on I began seeing things clearly. Lay this on your English teacher: compare those heads to all the old men who proposition me and Terri at Caesars, the self-proclaimed “gentlemen” asking us if we want to have a drink with them, the pair who offered us $200 to blow them. We saw about ten people of our generation dressed decently and being mellow, then at least 200 middle-aged women with their tits hanging out and grown men grabbing on them.
At one point I said to myself, “What the hell is this?”
“Trick-or-treat,” Terri answered. And that’s exactly what it was.
99% of this town should be blown off the map. Cops, teachers, gamblers, all of them. They’re all so fucked I can’t believe it. And they say we’re “sex-oriented,” that we have no moral values! I’m here in my town trying to drink tea and discuss the English language!
Tomorrow’s payday.
Pete and Scott got their learners permits, I get mine this week. Ding a ling!
A chick I know got in a car wreck. She was beautiful, but her face is screwed now. Hope she is beautiful inside, ha ha!
Roger (my boss) put a contract through for thirty-five new green houses and he says when they get built we can get everybody working out here.
Terri is driving me crazy. She is what I call a clinger. She won’t let me go anywhere alone. I never have a minute to myself. I’m trying to hint around about it but I don’t think she’s catching on. I don’t know what I’m going to do, but I’m just going to tell her if it gets much worse. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but I can’t hack her clinging.
The other day Keith was brushing my hair and he kept getting his comb caught in my glasses so I took them off and set them on the floor. He got up to get a cigarette and stepped on them! He broke them and I had to take off from school and pay to get them fixed. He didn’t even say sorry. Just, “Why’d you leave them where I could step on them?” and how his foot hurt.
We got our report cards this week. I blew it. I’m ashamed to tell even you what I got but here goes:
History I: F (boo!)
Art: D (I fool around)
Orientation and Guide: D
American Lit: C (because it’s after lunch and I always get stoned at lunch)
Drivers Ed.: B
Pretty rotten huh?
It’s 1 o’clock in the morning and everybody is crashed except me because of the whites. We went to Scott’s but there were just too many people there and Scott was getting uptight, so we left. It was fun I guess but anything is fun when you’re wired.
I want to tell you about Harry but I don’t know where to start. Oh well, here goes—
He’s got blonde hair just past his shoulders and blue eyes (I think). The first time I saw him I thought, “Give me to that dude.” It’s not just because he’s a fox. I just saw him and I knew he was a mellow person. Lately I’ve become sorta obsessed with him: He meditates! He says pain is “just a sensation” whatever that means. He can go places in his head. Sometimes he can go into people’s heads! Now, maybe this is a bunch of bullshit, but Harry is this type of person. He’s from another dimension.
Tonight Vicky, Scott, Greg and I went to see “Bless the Beasts and Children.” I had forgotten how far-out that movie is. I have forgotten a lot of things. Like you, me, everyone is so fucking beautiful it’s insane. Jesus, we are all the most beautiful people. I can’t believe it! We are the outcasts, the outsiders. We are the only people who remain soft in this fucked world. We are what God had in mind when he created man. He meant for people to be like us—feeling true human feelings. Not machines. Not worker bees. Truly alive. Yet we’re the people people put down. If only they could feel something other than the pressure of society. Wouldn’t that be something? Someday, there will be all the people, all rising together! Man, that’ll be beautiful. I don’t know if I’m going insane or what but I just had to write and tell someone these crazy ideas. I hope you can get into this rap.
I have an extreme case of the blues. Saturday night and no one is here and I’m very lonely. Harry is at work, Cyn is at work, Greg went to a SOC party, Terri is babysitting, I have no idea where Keith is. That should give you an idea of how together our group is. The group is dying.
I want to get out of here, but I want to stay. Been feeling so down you can’t believe it. Since I’m telling all, I guess I better tell you the whole shit. I was with Keith last week. Don’t ask me why, I know I’m an asshole, and I KNOW he’s an asshole, but I just couldn’t help it. I love him and no amount of hating him will change that.
I feel better. I felt like I was hiding something from you. Now you know. I hope you understand. If not why don’t you come down and beat my ass? I could dig seeing you even if you were about to kill me.
Pete got a pound of blonde Lebanese hash! So righteous. But I’m worried about him. He’s been working nights at the gas station and flunking school. I’ve been trying to get him to take a night off work and get some sleep, but he won’t listen. I don’t think he’s had any sleep for about four days and he looks like he’s been dead for two years.
Went to see Elton John. I wasn’t really into the music until Elton started playing “Your Song” and I found Scott because that’s my song to him. Me and Scott were standing on our chairs and I yelled “Elton!” super loud and Scott held his hand up in a fist. Then I got on Scott’s shoulders and said, “Elton, we love you!” and then Elton looked right at me, held up his fist and said, “Las Vegas, I’ve come home!” We brought Elton back out four or five times. It was SO mellow!
Big storm today. The door got torn off the main greenhouse, a bunch of windows cracked, part of the roof fell in. We’re closed until they can get it fixed, so I had to quit. Roger is pissed, but I can’t stand around with my finger up my butt making no money. It’s supposed to snow tonight, but I doubt it will. Harry got fired. I guess that’s about it.