Chapter 33.

Anna had been home five minutes when the buzzer went. She nearly didn’t hear it above the chatter on the radio. She’d come home, switched on Radio 4, turned up the volume and tried to concentrate on the concerns of a small rural community in a farming programme rather than become preoccupied with her own. The buzzer was insistent and when she peered at the small screen she saw the curls of Penny and smaller blonde head of Bibs and let them in without a word.

Penny put a subdued Bibs down on the rug, leaving her to suck at a small blanket comforter and paw a picture book. She came over to Anna and silently reached up on tip toes and gave her a hug. When she leant back she held Anna’s hands and raised her eyebrows in sympathy.

“I knew you were seeing your mother today,” Pen said. “Need to download? Have another hug? Punch someone?”

“Thanks, Pen,” Anna sighed a laugh. “Could have been worse.”

“Oh. One of those.”

“What do you mean?”

“That it must have been shit, but you’re trying to look on the bright side and not feel too sorry for yourself.”

“I have a lot to be grateful for, including you. I don’t ever want to lose sight of that.” She was in danger of spiralling down and glad Penny had invited herself over. Her friend stretched up and gave her another hug and it was what she needed.

After a good squeeze Pen said, offhand, “Well, if it wasn’t so bad, how about you make me a coffee?”

“Trying to keep me occupied?”

“No, just bloody lazy.”

Anna let her go. “Fine, you indolent oaf, I’ll get you a coffee.”

She turned the radio lower so that she could hear Penny speak over the background noise of sheep in the countryside and filled the kettle. When she leant back on the kitchen top to chat she found Penny perched on a stool, her body rigid and a tense expression on her face. Pen was particularly attentive today and Anna wondered why. It seemed silly. Anna had been robust for months and with the treat of meeting Jess recently, she hadn’t felt better in years.

“I’m fine,” Anna said with a smile.

“You’re never fine after seeing your mother and neither should you be. The woman could undermine the pope’s confidence and sense of place in the world.”

“I’m OK,” Anna replied, but at the same time she crossed her arms and wished she didn’t feel like someone had minced up her insides and jumped up and down on them while making her watch, utterly pathetic at being able to do nothing about it. “Really,” Anna said with a smile at Penny who watched her like a hawk. “I’m good.”

Penny’s shoulders relaxed, a little. “OK,” she sighed, and she shuffled, getting comfortable on her stool. “Go on then. Tell me, how is the vicious old bag?”

“Pen!” Anna tutted out a laugh. “She is still my mother.”

“Are you sure though? You could get a DNA test then disown her if the results are favourable.”

“I have her arms apparently.”

“Well give them back and be done with her.”

Anna sniggered. It was one of the things she loved about Penny – she said out loud Anna’s worst thoughts so that she didn’t have to feel bad about them. It was always her first step to being able to think about her mother with any equanimity.

“Were the ugly sisters there?”

And Anna smiled again at Penny’s name for her brother and sister.

“No. Celeste is in Edinburgh more than London these days and Sebastian’s time is planned to the minute and full until Christmas.”

“That was a blessing at least,” Penny snapped.

“Thank you,” Anna said.

“For what?”

“Bitching on my behalf.”

Penny giggled at last. “That’s what friends are for. Now where’s my coffee?”

Anna poured two mugs and filled a beaker of milk for Bibs and sliced some apple. She handed the toddler a bowl on the rug. “There you go, lovely,” she said, leaning down, and Bibs reached up to hold Anna’s cheeks. “Banna,” she said, then was distracted by the fruit and began gnawing at a slice.

“She’s quiet,” Anna said, shuffling onto a stool beside Pen.

“Teething I think. Her cheeks are rosy and she’s chewing absolutely bloody everything. I thought having pets was bad, but I’ve got tiny human teeth marks on the corner of all the books.”

Anna smiled, still raw from meeting her mother and grateful for their company.

Penny started talking but Anna was distracted by the radio. The agriculture magazine had finished and the programme had changed to a culture show.

“That’s strange,” Anna said. “That sounded like Jess.”

“What’s that?” Penny sat up.

“On the radio.”

They both listened a moment. The presenter was talking. “That was Jessica Lambert at the French premiere of the latest Atlassia film…”

“Oh,” Anna said. “I probably just caught the name Jessica.”

The presenter continued. “…an ostensibly superhero series which has been a surprise success in the last few years, gaining popular and critical plaudits. This is what Ms Lambert had to say.”

“The parallels between our own world and Atlassia and the desperation of the character I think resonate with teens and young adults…”

“But that sounds exactly like her,” Anna said. “How weird.”

Penny didn’t move.

“Don’t you think it sounds like her?”

Anna thought the similarity remarkable with the rich depth of the voice and slips into gentle Birmingham accent. “It could be her, honestly.”

“It certainly chimed with me,” the voice continued on the radio. “Dismissing the series as fantasy belittles the anxieties of a generation. Perhaps if the concerns of the young were taken seriously the Atlassia phenomenon might be less of a surprise.”

Anna laughed. “That’s exactly how Jess speaks. Isn’t that odd. Pen?”

Her friend hadn’t moved.

“Penny?”

Anna’s body reacted before her brain made the final realisation. A chill settled over her skin and then seeped inside until she froze.

“Penny. What’s going on?” she said, nauseous at her suspicions.

Penny had opened her mouth but no words came out.

“I’m thinking all kinds of things right now. Please could you tell me what’s going on?” Anna said, clutching her hands together.

At last words came from Penny. “I hoped she’d told you.” They were quiet words. Awful words.

“Told me what, Pen?” Anna said, her agitation growing.

“I know why she hasn’t. I can understand, but–”

“Just bloody tell me,” Anna spat.

Pen drew herself up with a deep breath. “That is her on the radio. She’s Jessica Lambert.”

“The woman from the Atlassia films that you’re mad about?”

“Yes.”

“An actress?”

“Yes.” Penny sank lower with every answer.

Anna sat stunned. The chill had made her body numb. Even her head tingled with creeping dread.

“Are you telling me I’ve been seeing one of the most high-profile movie stars of the moment?”

“Yes.”

“And everyone,” her voice broke, “and I mean everyone has known, except me?” Her voice was getting louder, but she couldn’t stop.

Penny was looking down. She couldn’t meet Anna’s gaze. “Yes,” she said, almost inaudible.

Anna stood up and turned away, her arms wrapped around her instinctively. Why hadn’t Jess told her? Why had she hidden it when she must have known everyone else realised?

“You must think that I’m a colossal idiot,” Anna said in one breath before the humiliation and anger in her chest had a chance to erupt.

“No, nothing of the sort.” Penny’s voice was charged with hurt, but Anna couldn’t stop.

“Good god. Did Zehra know? Have you all been laughing behind my back?”

“No, she didn’t realise,” Penny said quickly. “She had her suspicions but didn’t twig who she was so I left it.”

“But didn’t you think it pertinent to tell me?” Anna swung round, hot tears swelling in her eyes.

Pen flung her hands onto her head. “Oh god. I didn’t know what to do. She’s seemed like the best thing to happen to you in years.”

“What?” Anna spat in disbelief. “Letting me fall for someone who would remind me of everything I’ve lost? When I find it profoundly difficult to trust anyone, I fall for someone who can’t even tell me the truth about who she is. Really? Is that the best thing that’s happened to me? Because it’s sounds pretty shit at the moment.”

Just when she was starting to feel normal again, as if she was re-entering the world to enjoy life, to trust people and be free again.

“Why didn’t she tell me? How the hell did I not know?”

Pen looked sheepish.

“Have I become that out of touch?”

“You avoid everything about theatre and film. I’ve watched you, when we’re on the Underground, you never even look at the posters. I burble on about films and TV and hot actresses all the time, but you never really listen.”

Ouch.

“Jess said she didn’t realise how far things would go,” Penny said, an earnest and fearful look on her face. “I believe her. It sounds like she was at the end of her tether and needed a break and you were the only person in London who could help her – as a human, not a superstar. I think she genuinely needed a break, and then–”

“For christ’s sake, Pen. I didn’t recognise her because I’m a reclusive middle-aged woman who’s letting life pass her by and who is oblivious from being too fucking scared to go out and trust anyone.”

And the rage that had been building all day flamed through Anna until her face flushed red.

“I know I know I know I know,” Penny murmured with her head in her hands. “But I think she’s genuine about you. She seems nice, nothing like I’d expected. I assumed she was some lucky brat who’d made it big. I’d never seen her interviewed – avoided it so I wouldn’t hate her – but she’s lovely.”

Anna didn’t want to hear it. “I’m a bloody fool.”

“Anna you mustn’t–”

“I spent days with her, letting her in. I…” Anna hugged herself feeling suddenly more vulnerable. “I slept with her and I had no idea who she was.”

“God, I understand, I really do, but please try and see it from her point of view. She didn’t realise you’d been an actress and it would be an issue. You hadn’t told her that either.”

“There’s a difference to once having been an actress, which might come up in conversation one day, and being the mega movie star of the moment.”

“I know.” Penny had her hands up. “But I don’t think she meant to hurt you.”

Penny talked on, but Anna didn’t hear anymore. She replayed meeting Jess over in her head. It made sense now. A hounded superstar. Everyone’s attitude on the Tube. Jesus, people must have been taking photos. Anna was probably in several all over the Internet. Already wounded from meeting her mother, she wanted to curl up in a ball and block out how ridiculous she’d been.

“Did you laugh?”

“What?” Penny said, timid.

“When you met her? When I was out of the flat? Did you have a good chuckle when you met your crush and about how I had no idea?”

“Nothing of sort,” Penny said desperately. “We both felt god awful about the situation.”

“Well, how nice that you had each other for comfort.”

“Please, Anna. This isn’t like you.”

“What isn’t?” Anna said, glaring at Penny. “Being stupid. Not being able to inhabit the world you do? Being so oblivious and out of touch that I fail to recognise one of the most famous actresses and fall for her. Tell me, exactly what am I meant to be like? Because, I don’t know any more. Who am I now?”

Penny sagged. “I didn’t know what to do. Neither of us did.”

Anna looked up when she heard a quiet whimper from the other side of the room. It was followed by a louder cry.

“Oh Bibs, darling,” Penny said, getting off her seat and rushing to the toddler. “Don’t worry sweetheart. Everything’s OK.”

But it wasn’t.

“I’m sorry, Bibs,” Anna said, the anger still tight in her voice. “I think you’d better go,” she said to Penny, her tone harsh. “I don’t want to upset her.”

Penny picked up the girl and brought her over. Anna swiped at her eyes and sniffed. She could barely cope with Penny in this close proximity. She wanted her gone.

Anna gritted her teeth. “Sorry, lovely girl,” she said as gently as she could. She clasped Bib’s small hand and brought it to her lips. “I love you, sweet pea. I’m upset about something but you’ve done nothing wrong and I’ll see you soon.”

Anna had to turn away, unable to face her friend.