Chapter 55.

Anna smoothed down her dress, again, and gazed into the mirror by the flat door. Her hair was pinned high and her face had a light touch of makeup. She would glam up for the awards night later, but this was to present to her mother. It was more coverage than she’d applied in recent years and would invite comment, but Anna appreciated the armour today.

She looked down at her crease-free dress that had been stroked relentlessly by her jittery hands. It reminded her of the time she prepared to inform her parents that she would be going to drama school at eighteen. She almost wished for her young bravado, obstinate teenage belief and resilience in front of the world. Age brought competence and confidence but also nuance and doubt, and of course vulnerability from failures.

Anna was suddenly aware of the stillness of the flat. She peeked up to see Jess regarding her from the foot of the bed, her hands curled over the edge of the mattress.

“Is there anything wrong?” Anna murmured, trying not to be defensive.

Jess looked away as she so often did when she needed to think through her answer and Anna waited. When Jess caught her eye there was sadness in her beautiful face.

“I might not always be the quickest at understanding people and duplicity confuses and unnerves me, but honest feelings I empathise with more than many.” She looked at Anna. “And you’re wavering. I can see your confidence slipping away,” Jess hesitated, “and I don’t know what to do about it.”

The honesty of it and its pin-point accuracy was crushing. Anna could see the mirror of her dejection in Jess.

The impending lunch had weighed on Anna for days – the prospect of telling her mother about her tentative return to acting and embarking on a new life with Jess. She was terrified of the scorn her mother could pour on it all. It wouldn’t change Anna’s mind, but it added to pressures that made life challenging.

“Walk you there?” Jess offered, quietly.

Anna nodded.

The late spring air and Jess's presence on her arm was invigorating and Anna was once again thankful for her company.

“I could have done it on my own,” Anna said gently, as they walked together along Kensington Road.

“I know,” Jess replied. “But I like hanging out with you and I’m trying to keep you relaxed.”

“Thank you.”

Jess shrugged. “This is how it works. You help me. I help you.”

The world seemed so simple when Jess said it like that.

“Do you want me to come in and say hello?” Jess asked.

Anna didn’t answer straight away.

“I’m guessing,” Jess started, “by the way you’re gripping my arm like a vice that you’re not keen.”

“Oh,” Anna exclaimed. She relaxed her fingers which were indeed embedded in Jess's bicep. “Sorry.” Her whole body had tensed right up to her neck. She stopped and blew out a frustrated sigh.

She sought Jess's eyes with a heavy apologetic smile. “To be blunt, she’s unlikely to warm to you or any girlfriend of mine. She has enough difficulty liking her own daughter. I wouldn’t wish her upon you, but perhaps you should see the person who’s compulsory in my life.”

Jess stepped closer. “Would you like to get this meeting over and done with?”

Anna nodded.

“Then I accept your challenge.”

Anna laughed. She lifted a hand to stroke Jess's cheek. “I love you.”

Jess clutched Anna’s fingers to her face. “I am so in love with you.”

“Come and meet my gorgon of a mother then.”

Jess giggled. “Great.”

They turned into a side street of well-heeled residential Knightsbridge and towards the exclusive restaurant in a four-storey town house.

“It’s almost empty,” Jess said as they walked past the windows. “There’s a group of businessmen and a smartly dressed woman with ash-blonde hair.”

“That’s probably her.”

“Oh, she’s spotted us. Make that a smartly dressed woman, with ash-blonde hair and a pissed off look on her face.”

“Definitely her.”

A waitress led them through a deceptively modest room with white walls, white table cloths and darker floor.

“Morning Mother,” Anna said cheerfully. She was determined to stay in charge of her temper today despite every needling insinuation and outright attack her mother might throw at her.

Her mother didn’t rise to meet them. “I wasn’t expecting company,” she said, her voice and face tight.

“This is Jess,” Anna replied. “She accompanied me here. I’ve mentioned her before, do you remember, and we’ve been seeing a lot of each other. I thought you should meet.”

“Pleasure to see you, Mrs Mayhew,” Jess said. She offered a hand, but Anna's mother didn’t take it.

“Perhaps another time might have been better,” her mother said, replying to Anna and seeming to ignore Jess. “We haven’t seen each other for a while and I imagine there’s lots to catch up on.”

“I’m not staying,” Jess said. Anna marvelled at her equanimity in the face of outright hostility. “I’ll see you tonight,” she murmured by Anna’s ear, then her soft lips pressed a kiss onto her cheek and Anna couldn’t help but close her eyes and enjoy the welcome comfort. “Have a good lunch both,” Jess said more loudly.

Anna had to steel herself and resist the urge to chase after Jess and abandon her mother. She heard the front door to the restaurant close and she sighed at Jess's absence.

She slid off her coat into the hands of the waitress and took her seat opposite her mother, gently leaning her elbows on the table cloth and interlinking her fingers in a graceful pose.

“Was that really necessary?” Her mother tutted.

“Was what necessary?” Anna smiled, innocently.

“The kiss? In front of everyone?”

Anna peeked round the quiet restaurant, the businessmen in the corner engrossed in conversation, and Anna was certain that no-one would have noticed.

“It was a farewell kiss,” Anna said lightly. “Hardly controversial. I’d expect Dad to do the same with you.”

That silenced her at least.

“Well,” her mother said, recovering. “Good to see you at last, darling. We haven’t seen each other for weeks have we. What on earth have you been up to? Well anyway,” she moved on quickly perhaps not wanting to hear the answer, “I’ve lots to tell you.”

And that apparently was the last her mother wanted to hear about Jess or the rest of Anna’s life.

Her mother ordered for them both, Anna accepting her suggestions without quarrel, letting the irritation wash over her today.

“Has your sister caught up with you yet?” her mother said. “Celeste’s been trying to talk to you for days.”

“I’m hoping to catch up with her this weekend. I said I’d ring.” Guilt pinched at Anna who’d been wrapped up in work and Jess and unable to take her sister’s calls.

“Well, I’ll tell you her news anyway,” her mother said with obvious excitement in her voice and leaning forward. “She’s expecting again. Isn’t that marvellous?”

“Oh,” Anna said, a genuine smile lifting her mood. “Good for her.”

“She’s had such trouble since little Toby. I thought she’d never have another at this rate. I said,” and her mother leaned in further, “she should try with help from the clinic now she’s getting on.”

“She’s only thirty-five?” Anna said, puzzled.

“Ancient for a mother. I had you all before I turned thirty, thank god. But with these clinics and procedures you could be a new mother well into your forties.”

Anna decided to be generous and assume her mother referred to the impersonal ‘you’ rather than being so very personal.

“Which is what I always point out when Cameron asks after you.”

Anna stared. So that assumption was wrong.

“I imagine,” Anna ventured, “that’s of little interest to him.”

“On the contrary. It’ll be a consideration even if he doesn’t realise it.”

“Mother,” Anna said sharply. “That isn’t appropriate.” Then she composed herself. “Mum,” she said more gently. “I’m in love with Jess and we’re living together.” There didn’t seem to be any other way to break it to her other than starkly, given her mother’s lack of interest. “Please don’t imply to anyone that I’m available.”

Silence.

“Well,” her mother muttered. “As long as you’re happy.” Then a second later the words “for now,” crawled out.

Her mother sniffed and dabbed at her mouth with a napkin. “Anyway, Sebastian sends his love. I saw him last night…”

So another change of subject. Anna found herself trying to unpick her mother’s motivations today. What did she want? What was her strategy? How exhausting it all was. And she suddenly smiled at how she didn’t have to do that with Jess. She’d been clear about what she wanted from the start. Jess wasn’t without fault and she certainly messed up from time to time and had her own difficulties. But Anna would take those any day of the week compared with unrelenting games.

“Don’t you want to know anything about Jess?” Anna interrupted.

Her mother was unresponsive.

“Is this because Jess is a woman?”

Her mother tutted. “Good god, you’re not playing the gay card again are you. Nobody cares, Anna. Your father and I aren’t bothered about whether you see a man or woman. I just don’t see why you have to go on about it. Your sort have got equal marriage. What else do you want?”

It was funny how, for someone who was unconcerned about gender, it was always Anna’s male partners who were considered suitable and there was only ever a list of objections for anyone else. She wondered at her mother’s prejudice against Jess. The depth and breadth of her mother’s bigotry was plain and Anna had no compulsion to subject Jess to this woman again.

“Well go on then,” her mother said, dropping her napkin and leaning back, arms crossed. “Tell me about this Jess.”

“She’s an actress,” Anna began.

“I thought you said she worked in publicity,” her mother parried.

How annoying that her mother had been paying attention and Anna winced at her spotting the incongruity.

“Promoting the Atlassia films is part of her job,” Anna recovered. “You may have heard of them. She’s the lead character? Perhaps you’ve caught her full name, Jessica Lambert?”

“An actress,” her mother sighed. “Yes, the name’s familiar, although I wouldn’t have recognised her.”

“We’ve known each other for a few months–”

“How old is she? She seems very young,” her mother interrupted.

Anna had to force herself to sit straight, to counter the sense of being on the back foot. “She’s in her mid-twenties and has been working for eight years–”

“You’re a great deal older.”

Anna paused, took a breath and rode over the attack. “She’s had a busy few years, filming abroad, but she’s based in London and–”

“I’ve seen her in a Bond film, haven’t I?” her mother said, an amused sneer twisting her words. “There was an article about her in the Sunday paper, I remember now, flicking past some ludicrous shots of her half naked.”

It was like wading through mud while under fire. And they hadn’t even got to the part Anna dreaded most yet.

Her mother was still amused by her recollection. “So, a real-life movie star. I imagine it makes you quite jealous.” And Anna regretted every bitter feeling she’d had against Jess as she saw her own envy reflected in her mother’s words. “How on earth did you meet?”

It was like her mother had a sixth sense about every sore point. Anna maintained her poise. Unlike Jess, thinking on her feet and improvisation had always been her forte.

“We met by chance,” she said evenly, despite frustration threatening to boil to the surface. “But we work together now.”

There. She’d made it. Her confession at last.

“You work together? Are you consulting on her film? Coaching?”

“No,” Anna said. “I’ve taken an acting role on the series they’re producing for TV.”

“Good god, Anna.” Her mother spat out every word. “What on earth were you thinking?”

Anna closed her eyes a moment, imagining her mother’s words bouncing off her skin. She opened them again, ready for more.

“I thought your name was mud as an actress these days.” Her mother threw her hands in the air. “Is it this Jess? Has she been calling in favours? Did she ask them to find you something? She may be besotted with you for now, but don’t expect that to last forever.”

Anna opened her mouth to respond but her mother jumped in again.

“Honestly, Anna, after everything, don’t you think this supremely unwise? You could have another John Boyd after you. I think this a terrible decision. Then again, perhaps you won’t attract that kind of adulation now you’re older.” She waved her hand dismissively.

Anna wished she could capture the conversation and show Jess. If ever anything encapsulated everything that had eroded her confidence over the years this conversation was surely it.

“And alongside this…this…Jessica Lambert, you could be in more danger. I can’t see the attraction quite frankly, but I know she has rabid fans. If you associate with someone like that, you will get all sorts of cranks after you.”

Anna breathed out, a slow steady exhalation like she practised in yoga.

“You’re right, Mother,” she said, with a sad smile, trying to suppress the tremble in her arms. “I fear all of those. I’ve been hiding away because of everything you’ve mentioned.”

Her mother was silent at last and Anna had time to notice how her mother’s words, although painful and brutal, hadn’t penetrated so deeply this time. She was filled with love from Jess, strengthened by her support and bolstered by her own growing confidence that had been building for months.

“I can’t keep hiding.” Anna shook her head. “I don’t want to live like that anymore.”

“These people may threaten your life,” her mother shouted, her composure gone.

“They might,” Anna said. “It’s true. It’s definitely a possibility. But at this point I’m not sure if they’re a greater threat or you are?”

“What on earth do you mean?”

Anna tried to look at her mother, catching a glimpse of her enraged glistening eyes.

“After everything’s considered,” Anna said, calmly but the words beginning to stick in her throat, “I think you’ve had a worse effect on my happiness than my stalker ever did.”

“Ridiculous,” her mother breathed. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“I won’t change my mind,” Anna replied, her body swirling with opposing emotions of fury and distress. “I love Jess. I’m extremely lucky to have a role acting beside her. I’m luckier still to receive her love.”

“You think a young starlet will remain by your side?”

“Yes, I do,” Anna said, smiling genuinely this time with the reminder of Jess. “I have more faith in Jess than anyone else I’ve ever been involved with.”

“Another actor?” Her mother tutted. “Someone else who doesn’t live in the real world?”

Anna took a moment, a little like Jess did. “Funnily, for someone whose career it is to pretend to be someone else, she is more strongly herself than anyone I’ve ever met. I think it’s down to her honesty. I never appreciated how much simpler life is when you strip it down to that. It’s a revelation. It’s so freeing.” What a weight was lifted, not having to worry about all the machinations and motives, when Jess talked plainly to her.

“Maybe we won’t stay together for ever,” Anna continued, “no-one can guarantee the future, but I would be a fool to let her go. She is kind, loving and a person who it’s fun to be quiet with. I feel like my soul is recharging when we hang out. And she is as sexy as hell.”

Her mother was mortified. “Anna, for god’s sake.”

“I’m in love with her. I’m lucky to have found her.” She looked unwavering at her mother. “You have never made an attempt to understand me, from who I loved to what I thought and what made my life worth living. I’m glad I didn’t make that mistake with Jess and I will continue to listen to her.”

Her mother was still speechless.

“Now,” Anna said, dabbing her mouth with her serviette and putting it aside on the table. “If you can’t even try to understand and accommodate anyone else’s point of view, then I’m afraid we are done with this conversation.”

“But this girl,” her mother spat out the words, “she’ll be gone in a matter of weeks and you’ll be left looking a fool.”

“I doubt it. I’ve rarely met anyone more loyal to friends, work, family or her lover. She is remarkable.” Anna breathed in. It was time to be blunt. “If you try to undermine my relationship with her, like you have with everything else in my life, from my work to my sexuality, you will inflict more damage than anyone else.” Anna hoped the trembling in her limbs didn’t show. “I will not let you do that anymore. If you cannot support my decisions and cannot support me and Jess, then I will no longer see you.”

She stood up. Her mother stared, her mouth gaping open in shock for a moment before a veil of fury hid it. Humility wasn’t immediately forthcoming and if it happened at all it would have to be in her mother’s own time, not Anna’s.

“Until then,” Anna said. “Goodbye Mother.”

She turned and walked across the room, struggled to ask for her coat, fumbled with the door, but remained composed right until the other side and into the street.

Anna expected to choke on tears. She waited for a blow of loss to crush her. But instead, a weight lifted. Anna would no longer have to live with those thousand small acts of aggression from her mother. The exhaustion from never meeting her expectations was relieved. Life would have its challenges, but Anna didn’t have to face them shackled by her disapproval.