The Heart of Love

Why do we feel lust when we fall in love?
Because dopamine, the liquor of romance, can stimulate
the release of testosterone, the hormone of sexual desire.
—From Dr. Helen Fisher’s Why We Love:
The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love

Notice of Mature Subject Matter:
This chapter addresses the topic of human
sexuality and has more explicit language and more
graphic content than the rest of this book.

Sex: There’s the act itself, and it also refers to your anatomy (the genitalia), as well as the genders, male and female, plus certain characteristics called “masculine” and “feminine.” Defining sex stumped a President of the United States, while pursuing it has started and even stopped wars. It gets people steamed up, hot under the collar, and hot for one another every day. But is this all about chemistry and hormones, or something deeper and more mystical—or both? Can you really experience desire, connection, and intimacy with someone for the long term, or are feelings of burnout inevitable? Is there such a thing as a relationship with true fidelity, or is everyone bound to be unfaithful sooner or later?

Sex, sex, sex. That little word packs a wallop, doesn’t it?

It certainly elicits more laughter in my seminar programs than anything else. And it appears that this comedy often stems from some form of repressed and hidden tragedy. Countless issues and illusions surround the subject. Entire books—hundreds of them—have been written about it. What can I possibly say that you can’t find anywhere else? Plenty.

If you’re looking for “101 Ways to Please a Man,” or “Secrets for Bringing a Woman to Orgasm in Under Five Minutes,” forget it. (Just for the record, I’ll state that I think most men don’t require 101 ways, and most women find attempts to break the sound barrier in bed to be a turnoff.) This chapter isn’t about technique, but if you’re interested in getting a grip on the dynamics of sex in any relationship, then read on.

We’ll be examining the influence of gender and values on sexual fulfillment, attraction, and fidelity, as well as their role in sexual expression and repression, both personally and culturally. In other words, we’re exploring why and when people have great sex, why and how they “stray” from so-called committed relationships, and what happens when individuals deny their own feelings.

The Chemistry of Attraction and Attachment

What’s really going on when you’re attracted to someone? We’ve already touched on this in an earlier chapter, when I wrote about the infatuation phase. Remember, this is when you see only one side of a person: the positive traits, the potential for a happily ever after. You don’t even notice that her feet stink or that he scratches his butt. No, she’s Cinderella and he’s Prince Charming—for now.

Your body chemistry only heightens the whole lopsided process, giving you regular doses of dopamine (a hormone that mimics the effects of cocaine), resulting in phenomena such as energy boosts, appetite suppression, heart palpitations, accelerated breathing, hyperactivity, and insomnia. Romantics say, “I love him/her so much that I can’t eat, sleep, or think straight.” That’s the dope talking. And dopamine triggers testosterone, which means sex drive goes up, and soon enough, you’re making love like bunnies.

There’s no doubt that sex drive is partly chemical and hormonal, but it’s also psychological and energetic. As I mentioned earlier in the book, partners in a relationship become more susceptible to outside interests when they stop honoring one another’s values. It’s as if a periscope goes up, out of the relationship, to scan the horizon. And males, because of their naturally higher levels of testosterone, scope things out more often than women.

This isn’t to say that men are significantly more likely to stray; I think it may actually be nearly even-steven (or evenstephanie). It’s just that guys probably consider their options more often. Statistics on the rates of infidelity are suspect because there’s no way to gauge the honesty of survey respondents. Some people might deny activity they’re ashamed of or brag about something that never happened. Yet here’s something to consider: The Associated Press reported in the late 1990s that 22 percent of men and 14 percent of women admitted to having sexual relations outside their marriage sometime in their past, 70 percent of married women and 54 percent of married men didn’t know about their spouse’s extramarital activity, and 17 percent of divorces in the United States are caused by so-called cheating.

Interestingly enough, a man’s testosterone levels go up or down, inversely proportionate with the attachment he feels in his relationship. In other words, the more attached he feels to his partner or family, the lower his testosterone levels. Right after orgasm, a man experiences a surge of vasopressin, which is thought to depress the hormone. Also, a new father’s testosterone declines immediately when his child is born. In fact, it drops when he simply holds a baby, just from having parental, caretaking feelings.

Does this mean that the more attached a man is to his partner and family, the lower his testosterone levels are and, therefore, the lower his sex drive is, so he’s less likely to put up his periscope? Bingo! And what creates this bond? The more he feels his values are being honored and fulfilled in the relationship, the less he feels the need to look elsewhere; both his psychology and his chemistry support this.

What creates a similar effect in women? Having her own ideals respected, of course, plus sexual fulfillment (specifically orgasm) and nursing a child, both of which trigger release of a hormone called oxytocin, the female counterpart to vasopressin.

But don’t confuse attachment and its hormones with some kind of magic bullet for fidelity. Where polyamory (loving more than one) isn’t restricted by cultural barriers, or in couples who choose not to comply with cultural norms, it’s more freely expressed. Although “open” relationships have their own challenges, they’re not inherently “worse” (or “better”) than “closed” ones. Human connections can take myriad forms, all of which are valid and potentially viable.

Since many of this book’s readers will, I assume, be interested in what creates monogamy, and since this often proves to be a highly challenging aspect of marriage, it’s definitely worth taking some time to understand what influences people to conform with this expectation or not.

Let me just state it plainly: No one will remain sexually “faithful” unless it fits in with his or her own value hierarchy. In other words, there’s no such thing as being true to this woman or that man … only to one’s own values. Because all people have a complementary set of opposite traits or personas, you’ll find that everyone will be more trustworthy when it comes to their higher values and less so about their lower priorities. Realize that the experience of betrayal can be half of every partnership, because people live according to their ideals, not yours.

So if such values as monogamous marriage and relationship stability are high on the list, then sexual fidelity may result. If family ranks above a variety of sexual partners and your mate is unwilling to nurture children while you have sex with other people, then you’ll do your best to honor the higher value—but you might not always follow through. It’s also possible that you might choose to pursue both interests and not tell your spouse. It’s a recipe for so-called dishonesty and affairs when a person is being true to his or her own goals but presenting a facade to preserve a partner’s fantasy.

If you’d rather not play the game of propping up one another’s illusions and then getting “disappointed, devastated, or dumped,” and you’d prefer to get to the heart of love in your relationship, then find out what’s important to the other person and don’t try to project your ideals onto him or her. You’re wise to pay attention both to what someone says and what he or she does. When you’re just getting to know someone, it’s not a good idea to overwhelm him or her with your own fantasies about relationships, but instead to really understand and honor that individual.

How do you do this? First and foremost, make it advantageous for the other person to be honest with you, because that’s the only circumstance under which someone will do so. In other words, practice hearing someone else’s truth without expressing your judgments about whether it’s “good” or “bad” (that is, whether it matches or mismatches your own values) and without trying to give punishments or rewards for specific values. You can do this by using The Demartini Method to defuse whatever “charges” you have on this person, whether positive or negative.

Please understand that people will only be up-front when they perceive more advantages in doing so than disadvantages, according to their values, and they’ll be deceitful when they believe it’s in their best interest. People are forthright and misleading in different settings, although most will imagine themselves as only one (honest) and deny their other attribute.

Completing The Demartini Method will also help you wake up to your own disowned parts so that you’re able to proceed with balance instead of being driven by extremes. Consider the dynamics of the “overdog” and underdog, which I first described in an earlier chapter. In couples, those who perceive themselves with the least overall power in the seven areas of life seek more monogamy (apparent constraint); those who see themselves as having the most strength seek more polygamy (apparent freedom). Generally, the extreme monogamist feels compelled to marry and “settle down,” while the ardent polygamist is driven to remain single and “run free.”

Extremely powerful polygamists attract others who exhibit their disowned parts—extremely powerless monogamists—to neutralize their expressed qualities and to teach the balance of love, and vice versa.

Figure 10. Overdogs see themselves as greater than others, and seek more polygamous relationships; underdogs see themselves as less than others and seek more monogamous partnerships.

When you allow this imbalance to persist in your relationships, you’re likely to start playing familiar roles, such as parent and child or controller and controlled. Although this dynamic will occur to some degree in any relationship, the more equal the two people feel, the narrower the oscillation will seem—in other words, you moderate the interplay of power instead of having one person at each extreme. The greater the difference, however, the more it dampens sexual desire. “I married my mother (or father)” is the complaint of someone who’s become an extreme underdog in some domain and whose partner has become the parent. “Smothering” and “controlling” don’t usually foster sexual closeness.

Couples who perceive an equality of overall powers maintain a wise balance of monogamous (one) and polygamous (many) thoughts and actions and keep each other in check. This creates a more stable bond that has wholeness and wellness. Remember, when you’re dating the many, you seek the one; and when you’re with the one, you’re wondering about the many. This law rules all relationships.

—If you imagine yourself to be the overdog in a relationship, look carefully to see where your so-called underdog partner has unacknowledged power, and possibly help him or her become awakened to it. Use The Demartini Method with this person as the subject so that you can realize the inherent balance that already exists. In the meantime, consider not buying into any pressure of marriage unless your heart, intuition, and reason all say that this is the person and it’s time. Trying to appease someone else, evade feeling alone, or avoid the appearance of a supposedly undesirable trait—such as distant, unavailable, or someone with “commitment issues”—is to play out that same underdog side yourself.

—If you’re an acknowledged underdog in a relationship, find ways to help yourself wake up to your own power. Use The Demartini Method with your overdog partner as the subject so that you can loosen your grip and learn to embrace your own wholeness instead. When you awaken to your already-present (yet currently hidden) power, your urgency for marriage relaxes, which magnetically draws the other person to you even more. Few if any people truly desire the desperate and disempowered as mates.

—Seek to acknowledge and unfold your power in all seven areas: spiritual, mental, vocational, financial, familial social, and physical. When you do this, you’ll find that your “stock” goes up in the realm of relationships. The more you have to offer, the more options you have. When you can see the opportunities, you stop feeling “trapped” or “compelled.” You experience your ability to choose and to participate fully in the creation of your life and relationships.

After you’ve completed The Demartini Method with your partner, go back to the two chapters on values and do the exercises there, too. Try to keep your head out of the hormonal cloud—or at least come up for air often enough that you can see more clearly. Delay promises of “forever,” “always,” and “my one and only” until the infatuation phase has run its course. And if someone would love to have a different kind of connection than the one he or she has with you, then acknowledge this both to yourself and to that person. Realize that maybe there’s just not a fit between the two of you at this time. Don’t see this as a “failed” relationship or beat yourself (or someone else) up just because you’d love different things right now.

Boredom, Baggage, and Breaking Down the Fantasies

At the beginning of a relationship, chemistry can be challenging because it tends to foster fantasies and nurture misperceptions; and as time goes on, it can present new challenges. Where did that fire go? Why don’t we feel so attracted to each other anymore? Is this all there is? What happened to all the hot sex? You may start measuring the state of your sexual connection against an illusion created by the infatuation you experienced, either in this relationship or another one. The dopamine may have stopped flowing, but the rosy picture it created still colors your thoughts and feelings.

For example, one gentleman attended The Breakthrough Experience because, he said, “My marriage is boring. It’s just not alive!”

I asked, “In relationship to what? What are you comparing it to?”

He told me about something that had happened more than ten years before, when he’d gone to an upscale resort to meet a few of his buddies. As he arrived, a woman from London was checking in at the same time. Since he’d gotten to the hotel before his friends, he gave her his full attention. There she was, wearing a crop top and short white pants, looking most appealing. He asked, “Why don’t we meet over at the pool bar in 30 minutes?”

They met and had a few drinks, and then went up to his room to spend the next few days in bed, getting it on, resting and eating only when they had to. There was a Jacuzzi in the suite and great room service, which was all they needed. Basically, they had sex for three days straight. He didn’t answer the phone or call his girlfriend in the United States. He didn’t even talk to his buddies who were there and wondering where the hell he was, although they called his room continually to find out what was wrong with him.

He and the woman had this passionate experience, and then she went back to London. They both acknowledged that it was too great a distance for the connection to go anywhere, and he wanted to go back to his relationship anyway.

Later, he broke up with his girlfriend, and a few years went by before he met and married his wife. By the time he arrived at my seminar, he was comparing his three-year-old marriage to a weekend “sexcapade” that had occurred more than a decade ago—which was an experience no woman could endure for more than three days! His fantasy and infatuation were causing a low-grade “blahness” in his current union and a sense of lack of fulfillment in the rest of his life.

He was comparing everything else to this exaggerated experience, and until he broke that mirage, it would continue to run his life. So I helped him come up with the drawbacks of being with the British woman. I asked him to list the negative things about being with her, and he exclaimed, “Oh, man, there were none!”

I replied, “Well, look again! There were. What negatives did you experience? What were the pains of those three days?”

He still said that he couldn’t see any, and he kept repeating that until he finally admitted, “Well, okay, I did feel some guilt because I didn’t call my girlfriend.”

“Was that gnawing on you? That’s fine. What else?”

“I did feel some regret because my buddies were there, and they expected to work out and have some fun together. Part of their cost included my share of things, and I didn’t participate, so they were a bit angry with me. I alienated my friends.”

“What else? What about her? What were the drawbacks of her, specifically?”

He insisted, “Man, I don’t know.”

I pressed him: “Look again, because every human being has traits that you admire and despise. Don’t ever think that you’re going to get more admiration than revulsion, even physically.”

“Well, okay. She did have shorter legs than I like, and her hair was kind of thin, until it was washed. Her voice was kind of whiny.”

“What else?”

“Her thighs were a little heavy, thicker than I usually go for.”

“What else?”

“She wasn’t really ambitious, and she wasn’t too bright. She had a lot of emotional baggage from her past relationships.”

“What else?”

“Yeah … now that I think about it, there were some drawbacks.”

I pointed out, “You were unwilling to see them during moments of passion and idolizing her because you were blinded. You see, infatuation and resentment can’t see, but true love observes the whole. It notices both positive and negative elements equally. I’ll repeat that because it’s so important: Infatuation is blind to the negatives, and resentment can’t see the positives. True love is whole and witnesses both sides equally.”

We continued talking until he could take this vacation lover off her pedestal. As he started moving that fantasy down in his estimation, his wife came back up. He began to appreciate her more as he unraveled the previous infatuation and saw that there was no way his wife could compete with a three-day experience. Any woman can be 100 percent sex kitten for such a short period of time, but maintaining it for much longer is another story. He could see how he’d bought into unrealistic expectations. As we broke this delusion and added pain to what had been seen as only pleasure, he began to wake up to the benefits of his current marital experience.

This is a story where a guy went on vacation and came home with more than he’d taken with him. Baggage is any imbalanced perspective. Everyone brings this into relationships—and it’s the purpose and nature of connecting with another person to help you set down that load.

Of course, you do have a choice: You can either let it go or continue to carry it with you. When you start thinking, All guys are this or All girls are that, you carry those misperceptions into the next union, and the next, and they get reinforced by your inability or unwillingness to see anything else. You become something of an automaton programmed to react when certain things happen again, which they inevitably will, because all humans have all traits.

Can you see that you have baggage? So does everyone else with whom you interact, although you may not have illusions about the same things. A man may buy his lover roses, for example, expecting her to gush over the romantic gesture. Instead, he gets an explosion because the last guy did so only because he’d had an affair! That guy had never got her anything until he had a fling with her best friend, and then he came home with a big bouquet, thinking that would solve it. So she carries that bit of baggage: Anyone who shows up with roses is an insensitive bastard!

Deciding to Heal

One fellow attended my seminar with his wife, and he complained, “I don’t know what’s wrong with her. As soon as she comes to orgasm, she just curls up in a fetal position and starts crying! I ask her, ‘Am I hurting you?’ She says, ‘No, no,’ and keeps sobbing. She doesn’t ever want to have sex anymore, and I’m not sure I do, either, if that’s how it’s going to be.”

The man was deeply concerned for his wife, and demoralized. He couldn’t see how to change things, and his spouse was too frightened to explain to him what was really going on with her. (Incidentally, just as there’s always balance in the world, it also exists in my seminars. At this same event was a woman who was a professional pole dancer. It was the perfect example: A public sexual excessor and a private sexual repressor were sitting across from one another.)

In time, I discovered that the man’s wife had had an incestuous relationship with her brother, and she’d never gotten past her confusion over sexual guilt, pain, and pleasure. She’d kept the baggage and hadn’t yet come to grips with the dynamics that had given rise to the situation. As a result, anytime she had sex, especially from behind, she brought up all that she’d stored away from her past experience and shut down in a fetal position. She didn’t know how to sort out her perceptions, and her husband felt trapped in a relationship with someone who brought her despair to their sex life. They were “stuck.”

We used The Demartini Method to deal with the incest issue and get past it. After that, she didn’t have the same reaction to sex with her husband—no more fetal position, crying, or otherwise reexperiencing her past in the present. I helped the man see what was driving her reactions and understand the logic in her response. Another key moment for him was realizing that he always has a choice about the kind of relationship he wants to create.

Claiming Your Power to Choose

Everyone has a different set of baggage, and a couple’s unique combination creates its own dynamic—and each of us can decide whether we want to continue in that situation or not. No one has to be in any partnership forever. You can say, “Okay, I’ve learned my lesson from that, and I’d rather acquire different wisdom now. This isn’t where I want to stay.”

You have a right to move on. If a particular connection isn’t what you’d love to have in your life and your partner isn’t interested in getting past his or her own stuff, you can decide to go—and deal with a new set of baggage as you grow in a different direction. (As for the couple in this story, so far as I know, they’re still together. We were able to dissolve their sexuality issue, which wasn’t that difficult to do.)

Your past issues will weigh heavily on you at times, someone else’s will trouble them at others, and at still other times you’ll both be dragged down together. Sometimes you need a moving van, there’s so much baggage! Frankly, I don’t know of a more effective tool for unloading and unpacking it than The Demartini Method.

Sexual Energy and the “Deviancy” Dynamic

In the story I just told you, I touched on the need to understand the dynamics that lead to such situations as incest. Those sexual experiences we call “deviant” or “unnatural” might be more accurately labeled “expressed repressions,” as they’re the rather natural result of suppressed sexuality. By “natural,” I mean predictable according to the laws of human interaction.

Culturally, it’s forbidden to have sex with your immediate family (incest); it’s also taboo to force someone to have sex with you (rape). Both are considered violent and harmful to the “victim.” Before you get too disturbed, let me explain why I put the word victim in quotes. Under the law, victims are clearly defined, and that makes sense. But we’re not in a courtroom here; we’re talking about psychology, and you’re wise to admit that victimhood is more a state of mind than a fact of history. No doubt you’re acquainted with people who’ve surrendered to their past and allowed it to define them (just tune in to Jerry Springer’s show to see some in action), just as you know individuals who’ve chosen to view their history as experiences from which they can respond with strength and increased wisdom. So I’m inclined to say that there are no victims, just illusions of victimhood.

These misperceptions can perpetuate an experience. For example, when a woman becomes highly angry with men, the emotional charge sucks in guys who connect with that energy. The view her as a sex object, a plaything, instead of a whole person; and men who have repressed (or expressed) desire for no-strings, no-intimacy sex get hooked. In other words, something in them responds when a woman’s inner cry is “Screw you!” That reply is, “Okay, baby! Let’s go!”

I’m not arguing that a woman’s state of mind creates callousness or, in the extreme, violence. Those traits already exist in males, and in females, too, for that matter. I’m saying that her baggage can get jumbled up with someone else’s and re-create the situation that she most wants to avoid.

Not that long ago, I was conducting a seminar when a woman in her 20s walked across the room to go to the bathroom. As she went by, every guy turned his head to watch her leave. Their tongues were practically hanging out as they mentally grabbed her ass and had their way with her right there in the conference room; even some of the women started to squirm in their seats as she got near them. What was going on? This was a nice-looking person, but not an unusually beautiful or sexy one. Yet the whole room was salivating over her, noticeably unnerved by some palpable sexual energy.

When she came back, I stopped my lecture and said to the group, “This young woman has either been raped or incested, and that’s the energy that’s attracting everyone.”

I turned to her and asked, “Which one is it?”

“Well, actually, both,” she told us.

“Mmm-hmm. You have the classic energy. Do you keep attracting men who want you purely for sex?”

She said, “That’s my whole life.”

So we used The Demartini Method to neutralize her past and help her balance her own perspective on what had happened to her, and the lust energy lifted. For the first time, people in the room noticed how beautiful her eyes were. The attention had moved off her back door and onto the windows of her soul.

Because “victims” have the power to change their sexual energy and, therefore, the experiences they attract, does this mean that they’re to blame for what’s happened “to” them? No, we’re all participants in a larger dynamic. What the collective society represses, selective society expresses. A so-called victim is said to have been harmed by rape or incest, and so these actions are deemed despicable and called crimes.

By disowning parts of our sexual selves and projecting them onto people we call criminals, we’re powering the cycle. Without repression, there would be no need for a “sexual predator” to express it. The entire society contributes to the actions of its so-called criminals, and we’d be wise to recognize it and start dealing with our own shadows.

Similarly, within the family unit, parental repressions can get expressed by the children; when a couple has no offspring, the balance of traits gets maintained between the two of them (unless there’s an affair). The more intensely you express your owned, lawful, licit, pure, faithful, chaste, abstinent, prudish, celibate, non-adultering persona, the more likely your mate is to show extremes of your disowned, unlawful, illicit, impure, unfaithful, promiscuous, licentious, adultering persona.

When there are children in the family, there are simply more people to balance the owned/disowned traits—but the equilibrium will be preserved. When parents attempt to become the utmost idealized versions of themselves as role models for their kids, they can trigger in their children the very traits they’re trying to deny in themselves.

Fear and guilt promote extremes of owned and disowned personas, and a deficiency or excess of sexuality is a result of underlying fear and guilt. How, then, can you create a relationship, a family, a community, and a society with a balanced sexual energy, one that’s not driven by these emotions?

Empower (“own”) all seven areas: spiritual, mental, vocational, financial, familial, social, and physical. The Demartini Method, again, can provide you with opportunities to gain wisdom and insights about your owned and disowned parts without rashly acting them out, either aggrandizing or denigrating them. You can find ways to bring the shadow to light, to safely express your “darkness” so that no one else has to do it for you.

Common sense dictates that your wise soul won’t always “conquer” your body’s sexual passions, which cling to you as long as you inhabit your physical self. It’s wisest not to condemn these desires but to temper them instead. The point of moderation, in any case, would be determined by the comparison of the average libido or needs of the two individuals in question. Someone desiring sex three times a day would probably be labeled an “addict” by someone who wants it only once a week; the once-a-weeker might be called “repressed.” Relative deficiencies or excesses can create the feelings and perceptions of stunted or stagnated personal growth.

If sex is running your life one way or the other—whether you must avoid it or have to have it, disgust or lust—you’re out of balance. Moderation and transformation is the wisest and truest form of sublimation, while extreme repression is the “falsest.” Since sexuality, like all energy, is conserved through time and space, it never dissipates; it just changes form. Frustration occurs when people perceive extremes. It’s only with a loving and open heart that these two opposed viewpoints return to harmony—which is just one of the many reasons for using The Demartini Method.

When you make love with an open heart, it can lead to a mystical moment. When you balance perceptions between yourself and your mate, and when gratitude and love arise, sexual fulfillment occurs. This happens when you’re your true being, when perfect poise has been brought into your awareness, and appreciation and love for what is, as it is, occurs. This is where the eyes and hearts of the lovers meet.

Achieving Sexual Fulfillment

Plenty of detours mark the road to this kind of contentment. Potholes abound, and cumbersome baggage can make the journey awkward and difficult. Yet if those mystical moments—love, grace, and appreciation in the midst of intimacy—are important to you, there’s much you can do to help make the trip go more smoothly. In the following pages, I’ve identified ten keys to sexual fulfillment. Obviously, this isn’t about inventive tongue techniques or gymnastic positions. It’s about honoring your partner and his or her values and connecting in such a way that reflexive lust doesn’t become the standard by which you judge every other sexual encounter.

10 KEYS TO SEXUAL FULFILLMENT

1. Enter into sexual relations only when you can do so with a clear head, heart, and mind. Here’s a thought: What if people who were going to engage in sex with one another took the time to read and sign a “Safety-First Guarantee”? Okay, I’m joking a little, but on another level, I’m also serious.

Safety-First Guarantee for Women

This certifies that I, the undersigned female about to enjoy sexual intercourse with __________________, am above the lawful age of consent, am in my right mind, and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does this person have to use any force, threats, or promises to influence me.

I am in no fear of my new sexual partner whatsoever and don’t expect or want to marry this person. I’m not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relation with this person because I love it and want it as much as they do. If I receive the satisfaction I expect, I’m very willing to play an early return engagement.

Furthermore, I agree never to appear as a witness against this person or to prosecute under the Man/Woman Slave Act or expect them to be responsible in any way if I become impregnated.

Signed before jumping into bed,

the _________ day of__________________, 20_______.

By:

Address:

Phone:

Safety-First Guarantee for Men

This certifies that I, the undersigned male about to enjoy sexual intercourse with___________________, am above the lawful age of consent, am in my right mind, and am not under the influence of any drug or narcotic. Neither does this person have to use any force, threats, or promises to influence me.

I am in no fear of my new sexual partner whatever and don’t expect or want to marry this person. I’m not asleep or drunk and am entering into this relation with this person because I love it and want it as much as they do. If I receive the satisfaction I expect, I’m very willing to play an early return engagement.

Furthermore, I agree never to appear as a witness against this person or to prosecute under the Man/Woman Slave Act or expect to have any rights to a child if my partner becomes impregnated.

Signed before jumping into bed,

the___________ day of_____________________, 20______ .

By:

Address:

Phone:

2. Use The Demartini Method specifically to address your own sexuality. What do you dislike or disown about yourself sexually? For example, many people don’t like the way they look, and they shut down because they can’t stand the idea of someone else seeing, touching, or enjoying them—all because they disapprove of their own bodies. Using The Demartini Method, you may discover that the very thing that holds you back turns your partner on.

3. Use The Demartini Method to deal with your partner’s sexuality. Defuse anything you fear or don’t like about your partner. Write it down: How do you express this trait? Who sees it in you in some form or fashion? What are the benefits to you? What would be the drawbacks if your partner exhibited the opposing quality? Who does the opposite at the exact time that your partner exhibits this disliked attribute? Believe it or not, you’ll find that it’s all there … if you look.

4. Exchange and express all your repressions. What would you love to have in your sexual life but have been hesitant or even afraid to act out or ask for? Write down all your ideas and then share them with your partner so that he or she will know and won’t have to guess. Wouldn’t you agree that if you knew what your partner would love—especially that secret, sexy thing—you’d have a higher probability of satisfying him or her?

5. Practice giving your partner sexual fulfillment. I don’t recommend too much tantric reserve or intentionally holding back from release in order to warehouse sexual/creative energy. A little bit is okay, but you’re unwise to live your life without orgasms if you’re capable of having them. Not only does it set you up for attachment issues, especially for women, but many prostate and urinary tract problems can result.

6. Practice having your partner give you sexual fulfillment. Be sure to let the other person know what you love. Be specific! Don’t make him or her guess. Instead, anytime you’re feeling aroused by something, let it be known: “Yes, yes, yes! Right there! You got it!” Express yourself clearly, either with words or other unambiguous sounds. If your partner can’t understand without explicit assistance, then point, demonstrate, or help by giving more direct verbal feedback, or do whatever it takes. Guide him or her as much as you can.

7. Focus on honoring one another’s values and unique expressions of power. Be sure to pay serious attention to what’s important to the other person, as I’ve outlined in previous chapters. Remember that sexual fulfillment equals values fulfillment. Encourage one another in realizing the inherent balance in the relationship. If one tends toward extreme underdog and the other toward extreme overdog, you can choose to wake up together—to realize the unique expression of power in both people. Again, The Demartini Method can facilitate this awakening.

8. Maintain a balance of sex with yourself (masturbation) and with the one you love (coital intercourse). Solitary self-expression serves social other-expression, and vice versa. Both are to be mastered. You’ll satisfy and gratify yourself part of the time and your mate at other points; he or she will do the same. This helps you share what satisfies you, and assists the other person in doing so as well.

9. Identify your partner’s styles and preferences. Some like it fast, some like it slow, some like kissing beforehand, while some don’t even want to look at you. Some like masks, saying other people’s names, “dirty” talk, or “clean” talk (“Thou shalt go left! Hallelujah!”). Some people like silence.

By the way, if there’s language you like to use when you’re masturbating, say it with your partner, and watch what happens! Share whatever words or other mood setters you use in your private sexual expression. Also realize that there will be a balance between you and your partner in your preferences. The more you desire quantity, the more the other person may desire quality. This also holds true for active initiative and passive receptivity, the same form of sex act and a different version, and so on.

10. Use visual, auditory, and kinesthetic stimuli. Put all the senses—sounds, smells, tastes, touches, and sights—into the experience, and your satisfaction and intimacy increase exponentially. Here are a couple of generalizations:

• Men more commonly enjoy visual stimuli, while women often prefer the tactile. That’s why more toys are sold to females and more pictures to males. Give a man a dildo for his birthday, and he’s likely to respond, “Huh?” But give him a lap dance, and he’ll probably say “Wow!” Most guys like to see sex and enjoy a moving target—they love to shoot their arrows at something; most women like to feel, to be touched and caressed.

• I’m fond of saying, “Men are visual, women are kinesthetic, and they try to communicate in the auditory.” Just realize the differences and do your best to give your partner what he or she would love.

Actions to Create More Fulfilling Relationships

—Use The Demartini Method with someone you “could never” make love with. What are your reasons? Neutralize that extreme repulsion.

—Use The Demartini Method with someone you “would always” make love with. What are your reasons? Neutralize that extreme attraction.

Words of Power

I recognize that people are faithful to their own
values, not to one another.

I move into the heart of love by finding out what’s
important to the other and not projecting my ideals.

I reclaim my disowned parts so that I can move
forward with balanced perceptions and affection.

Infatuation is blind to the negatives, and resentment
is blind to the positives. I choose true love in order to
see both sides equally.

What collective society represses, selective
society expresses.