~ Twenty ~

When I give my heart, it will be completely.

—THE LETTERMAN

“When I Fall in Love”

In 1958, Janette Kerr left Juneberry, South Carolina, to chase her Hollywood dreams. The eighteen-year-old had starred in enough high school musicals, lived the drama of being chosen homecoming queen, and been asked to walk the runway in a chamber of commerce charity fashion show, to be certain she would be a huge star if just given the opportunity. She even won a statewide beauty contest in Columbia and was awarded a grand prize of three hundred dollars. Against her mother’s wishes, Janette used her prize money to buy a one-way Greyhound bus ticket and rent a studio apartment in West Hollywood.

Fourteen years later, she packed up her belongings, climbed into her powder blue Cadillac convertible, and left Hollywood for good.

She’d seen the studio system up close as a contract actress at Paramount Pictures. She’d played the nightclub cigarette girl, a passenger on a train, and a chorus-line dancer. She’d even acted opposite Clark Gable in Some Go East, taking his money on-screen at a soundstage newspaper stand and delivering her one line “Don’t forget your change, sir!” right on cue.

“Oh, I may have never become a star, Emma, but I tasted lots of success. I’ll bet you’ve never seen this.”

Janette handed her an issue of LIFE Magazine from 1961. A beautiful, younger Janette Kerr graced the oversized cover. The twenty-two-year-old beauty, a Paramount contract actress, cover girl, and aspiring movie starlet.

“You look beautiful,” Emma said.

“That was when the publicity department at Paramount was trying to break new stars by getting us different kinds of exposure. They wanted to find the next big thing, but it turned out not to be me.”

“Still, it’s an amazing accomplishment,” Emma said, setting the magazine back on the coffee table.

“I don’t know what I accomplished. I think God just gives us little tastes of something so we know what it is. That was my little moment of fame.”

Janette sipped her tea. In honor of Emma’s visit, she’d gotten out her best tea service, a white porcelain set with colorful, hand-painted daffodils on the teapot, cups, and sugar bowl. She and Emma sat in Janette’s living room at her mobile home by the lake. It was clean and comfortable, the perfect living space for Janette and her sister Claudia.

“I danced with Cary Grant once at a birthday party for a Paramount Studios VP,” she said, delighted with the memory. “He was so charming and witty. Those were the kinds of experiences I’d hoped for when I went out to Hollywood, and I had many.”

“You must have wanted success as an actress, too?” Emma said.

“Yes, but like I told Beth, success is something you can’t hang onto. You might have that spotlight shining its bright round beam on you for a moment, but the next minute it’s gone. Oh, I’m not going to pretend it wasn’t great fun to have that spotlight on me, but you can’t keep it, and chasing after that light can make a person crazy.”

“I can tell by your smile, you must have had some good times.”

“I made seventeen pictures, appeared on television shows, Gunsmoke, Dr. Kildare, Perry Mason, Star Trek. I did lots of things like that.”

“But you came back?”

“I came back home, Emma. I came back to people who really knew and cared about me. There’s no other place like Juneberry in the world. Did you know that? Have you ever really thought about just how special this place is? To me it’s the most precious place in the world, and do you know why?”

Emma shook her head.

“Because it’s where I’m from. It’s where my roots are. Everyone knows me here, and I’ve known them for a lifetime. When I was in pictures, nobody really knew me. Sure, I worked with the other actors, and was friendly with everyone, but it was just a group of people going ’round and ’round on a carousel. Everyone doing their best to enjoy the ride all by themselves.”

“Is that why you came back?”

“Something like that. Both my mother and sister were living at the time and we had such fun together. I was the adventurer—always the one to take a risk. You’re that way too, aren’t you?”

Emma smiled. “I think so.”

“Emma, I wanted to see you, not to change your mind about anything, that’s not my place, but just to tell you something it took me years to learn.”

Emma set her teacup back on the saucer and leaned forward to listen.

“The lights are definitely brighter beyond the horizon of the place you grow up. I suspect they are for everyone. But bright lights can’t love you, Emma, and eventually they burn out.”

“Is that what you wanted to tell me?”

“Yes, and this. I almost missed the last years of my mother’s life. And do you know what I nearly traded those years for?”

“What?”

“A game show. I was offered a spot on a daytime game show and I struggled at the time about whether or not to take it. Now can you imagine how I’d feel today if I would have lost those last few years with my mother, in exchange for a silly game show?”

Emma had liked Janette instantly when she met her at Samantha’s party, and was liking her even more with every moment they spent together.

“Emma, there will always be a pretty bauble out there somewhere tempting us to chase after it. My prayer for you is that you’ll find what God wants for you. If that’s in Boston, fine, but if it’s somewhere else, like Juneberry, make sure you don’t miss it.”

Janette emptied the teapot into Emma’s cup.

“That’s what I wanted to tell you, Emma.”

o o o

On her way back from Janette’s, Emma drove down Main Street one last time, the AM radio tuned to a country station out of Columbia. Coming through the truck’s small speaker, the music sounded tinny and popped with static. All the songs with fiddles reminded her of Michael.

She drove all the familiar streets, Armstrong, Carney, Hope—street names that reminded her of some of the twentieth century’s greatest entertainers, on her way to Samantha’s house.

At the last traffic light on Main, it dawned on Emma that she’d switched into good-bye mode. For the rest of the day, she’d be saying good-bye to whoever she saw—Jim, Samantha, Christina, Michael.

Good-bye. The word caught in her throat.

Before the light turned green on the corner of Main and Durham, Emma glanced in the rearview mirror and saw a familiar white truck. Michael waved. She looked at his reflection, noticed his dark hair falling across his forehead, stubble casting a shadow on his face. She gestured for him to follow her.

Durham Street was quiet, infrequently traveled. Emma parked Old Red along the curb, and Michael pulled up behind her. She left the truck running, exited, and walked to his driver’s-side window.

“I thought that was you,” she said, her smile appearing out of some deep place she didn’t quite understand.

“Your dad’s office is finished,” he said. “I’m out running a few errands I haven’t had time to take care of. How’d furniture shopping go?”

“Good. We found everything. Dad’s excited, and I’m just delighted with how everything worked out.”

“Hey, you haven’t even seen it completely done yet.”

“I know. But it was almost done before and it looked great then. Thank you, Michael. You’ve really done a lot for my dad and me this week.”

“It’s my pleasure,” he said. Emma brushed Michael’s hair from his forehead. She placed her hands on his arm.

“Listen, I’m in between visits today. I’m on my way over to see Samantha and the new baby. I was wondering if you had some time tonight when we could get together?”

“I think that can be arranged.”

Emma smiled. “Good. I’ll be home after awhile. I’ll give you a call and we can decide what we want to do.”

He signaled that was fine with a nod of his head. Emma told Michael good-bye, backing up a step before heading back to the warmth of Old Red, still parked and chugging on Durham Street.

Michael watched her shift the truck into gear and drive off for Samantha’s. He was truly glad he’d been able to help Will and Emma. It was only when Michael peered into the future that he got a sickening feeling about the week. It felt like the past was repeating itself, though he somehow hoped he was wrong. He thought of the effortless friendship they’d rediscovered that so easily and comfortably tilted its head to meet in a kiss. And he allowed the thought that hurt most to meander into his mind again—that Emma was his soul mate.

Somehow, she’d been able to walk away once upon a different perfect season. Michael couldn’t avoid the choking, bitter conclusion that Emma was about to do the same thing all over again.

“I choose who I love,” he reminded himself. “It’s not up to me whether they love me back.”

There was only one problem with Michael’s theory of love: He could choose whom he loved, but he couldn’t seem to unchoose her.

o o o

Samantha handed baby James to Emma, wrapped up in his blue hospital blanket, wearing a cute little pair of footie jammies with a zipper running up the front.

“He’s so little,” Emma said, taking the baby into her arms as if she were carrying a stack of wrapped gifts from Macy’s. “I’m afraid I might drop him.”

“You won’t drop him.”

Emma sat in the middle of the Connors’ long green living-room sofa. Samantha took a seat next to her and Jim settled into the chair that knew him best during football season.

Noel chuckled at the sight of Emma Madison holding a newborn baby. It was obvious to everyone that Emma was one of those women who had never actually held a baby before.

“He’s just had his afternoon feeding, so he’s going to be taking a nap very soon,” Samantha said, clearly delighted to watch Emma holding their new baby.

“Oh, he’s blinking his eyes. He looks so sleepy.”

“I’m going to put him in his bassinet and see if he’ll go down to sleep.”

Emma handed the baby back to Samantha, and she tucked his blanket around him in the bassinet.

“What time do you leave tomorrow?” Samantha asked, returning to her seat next to Emma.

“Six forty-five, but I’ll need to be at the airport by no later than six a.m.”

“Do you need someone to take you?” Noel asked, sitting straight-legged on the living room floor like it was just as comfortable as a chair. “That’s one trip I think I know by heart.”

“You know, I may take you up on that. My dad’s offered to take me, but he’s really not supposed to drive yet. I’d really appreciate that.”

“No problem. I’ll be there around five?”

Emma made a face like reality was really sinking in. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“Gosh, that’s sounds really early.” Samantha said. “How many more stops do you have to make tonight?”

“I want to stop out at Christina’s, and then spend a little time with Michael. I’m hoping to make it an early evening.”

“Well, good luck with that.”

After a moment of laughter came an extended moment of silence, the kind that signals there’s nothing left to say. Emma stood and straightened her clothing.

“Well, I’d better be getting on my way,” she said.

“This week has gone by so fast.” Samantha held Emma in a warm hug. “I can’t believe it’s already over. I’m so glad you came. Of course the reason for the visit wasn’t all that fun, but I know your dad is doing great and we’ll all continue to keep our eye on him.”

Samantha let go of her favorite cousin.

“Thanks for everything, Samantha. You made this week wonderful for everyone.”

Samantha smiled. Emma gave hugs to Jim and Beth, received their well wishes for safe travel and hopes for a speedy return. Emma waved at Noel.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, then headed out the door, down the front stairs, and across the yard through the fallen leaves. She felt certain that if she turned around, she’d see Samantha still standing in the doorway, watching her leave. She didn’t turn around for fear that she might start to cry. Instead, she stared at the ankle-deep leaves as she kicked through them on her way back to Old Red. When she reached the truck, she couldn’t help herself. Emma turned. But Samantha had already disappeared into the house. A small glowing lamp in the picture window was all that greeted her, and quiet melancholy rose inside Emma. Samantha was surrounded by her family, warm and safe in her home. But she was now alone.

o o o

Emma checked her phone messages as she sat in the idling truck. There were two, one from her dad, and the other from Christina.

Emma glanced up the street. A mint green Z28 sports car with two wide racing stripes across the hood passed by. The car was stuffed with laughing teenagers. It turned left on Ruth Street and continued up the hill. As the taillights faded into the distance, she wondered what sort of life those kids had ahead of them. Would they long to leave Juneberry someday as she had?

Emma clicked the message button on her cell phone.

“Hi, honey, it’s your dad. Christina just called. She said she’d tried to reach you on your cell, but couldn’t get through so she called here. She wanted to tell you she’s not going to be able to say good-bye to you tonight. She’s headed back to the hospital. I guess Bo’s in a lot of pain, so she wanted to get over there, but she said you can call her if you like.”

Emma pulled out the black knob on the dash, bringing Old Red’s headlights to life. Juneberry looked so pretty with the leaves blowing in the wind. She pulled away from the curb and drove off into the evening. She glanced down at her cell phone and dialed Christina’s number with practiced ease.

“Hi, this is Christina.”

“It’s me. How’s Bo doing?”

“Well, he’s been in a lot of pain. They just gave him something and it’s starting to kick in.”

“Oh, poor guy. It doesn’t sound fun.”

“No, but at least he’s comfortable now. His eyes are closed. I think he’s down for the night.”

“I heard we won’t be able to get together tonight. I’m sorry to hear that. I was looking forward to it,” Emma said.

“Me, too, but if you have a minute we can talk right now if you like.”

“Sure,” Emma said, taking the wide turn at Mill Road. The sunset streaked faded purple lines in the western horizon. The sky’s good night reminded Emma that her time in Juneberry had come to a close.

“Earlier today I was thinking about all that happened this week,” said Christina. “I know it was your dad’s health crisis that brought you down here, but then Bo had his accident, and Samantha had her baby … and … well, I just think it’s more than coincidence. I’m glad you were here for all of these things. Even though you’ve been away for a long time, you’re still my friend. It’s good when friends are here for our times of need, you know? We all needed each other big-time this week, and God worked it out so that we were all together.”

“I hadn’t thought of it like that.”

“If you hadn’t been here, Bo still would have fallen off the roof, Samantha would still have had her baby, but I would have been in that waiting room all alone.” Christina sniffled. “I’ll never be able to thank you enough for staying with me.”

“It’s been a hard week, but a good week. It’s going to be hard to go back.”

“I know what you mean. I’ll admit this isn’t the way I’d like it to be, but I think everyone understands you’ve got a life outside of Juneberry. I know I can speak for Samantha too, we just really want you to come back soon.”

“I will. I promise.”

“Well, good. So do you want to hear the big news or what?”

“Big news? You mean there’s more big news?”

“Yes! Bo’s asked me to marry him.”

“Christina, that’s fantastic! He asked you at the hospital?”

“Uh-huh. There are so many details to work through, of course, but it’s official.”

“You said yes, then, right?”

“Duh, yes, obviously. We’ll need to get through this crisis first before we plan a wedding date, but I think it will be sometime this year.”

“I won’t miss it, Christina.”

“You better not. I love you, Emma.”

Emma pulled into the driveway and parked Old Red underneath the sheltering arms of the three weeping willows. Her father’s house, and hers, too. The lights were on inside, warm and inviting, and she could see Will cooking in the kitchen.

“I love you, too,” Emma said. “I’ll talk to you soon. Bye.”