Just F*cking Do It

I’m excited that you have taken the time to really start looking at your big goals and what you envision for your life. Now you have to actually make it happen. In order to go for big hairy scary goals, you need to become totally aware of where you have come from, what’s been driving you and what is not serving you. It’s time to militantly create the best version of you, spiritually, emotionally and mentally, so that you can just fucking go for it.

I had a wonderful lady come to work with me and she said to me that I represented everything she didn’t believe in, but also realized that, after 43 years of doing things ‘her way’ and not really achieving the level of fulfilment she desired, it was time for a change. It takes balls to admit that your life isn’t the pretty, perfect picture that you have so diligently tried to portray on social media, and even bigger balls to decide to change it.

I understood where she was coming from because, a few years earlier, that was exactly the spot I had been in and it was the journey of awareness that unpeeled me and helped me build myself up again. I am merely hypothesizing that you don’t feel full of all that life has to offer and you keep looking at every body else’s perfectly filtered Instagram feeds wondering how they have got their shit together. You may spend hours pondering why you aren’t making as much money in your life, or going from one unhappy relationship to another, or spending way too much time in a never-ending battle with your body, when everyone on social media is seemingly busy doing the exact opposite and sharing it for all the world to see – #selfie. Whether it’s one of those things or all of them, I hear you, I see you and I have got you.

The comparison conspiracy

I want to let you in on something that I have come to realize: I don’t actually think it was curiosity that killed the cat. I’ll tell you what I think the real story is. One day, a most beautiful cat was born into the world. Happy, carefree and full of joy, she was destined to be one badass pussy. Then one day she started to see the other cats, with different coloured coats, some better at chasing mice and some getting more affection from their owners. Then it happened, the moment that would change that cat’s path in life for ever, the first time she asked herself: ‘What is wrong with me?’ She carried the burden of not matching up to the other cats, which led to some feline depression and she got so tired of trying to live up to everyone else’s perfect life that she gave up. You see, my dear, it wasn’t curiosity but comparison that killed the cat.

I want you to think about the times that you have tried to get ahead, be better than everyone else, come first, get the best grades, get to the best university, work for the biggest company, drive the flashiest car, buy the biggest house or get the most love.

Who were you competing against? Who was setting your expectations? Where in life are you saying, ‘She’s better than me’ or ‘How did he get ahead so quickly?’ or ‘Why is she so much prettier, skinnier?’ Perhaps you catch yourself comparing your marriage, your children, your business or your body with other people’s. Where in life are you failing to see opportunities for your own personal growth because you are so wrapped up in the successes of everyone else?

It seems pretty crazy that we would go through life living up, or down, to other people’s expectations but that is exactly what we are conditioned to do from the moment we make our way down the birth canal to the sound of gentle breathing, or, in the case of my first two kids, a barrage of expletives. (I was as cool as a cucumber when my third came along as I birthed her on my sofa, but that’s another story.)

When we are babies, we aren’t busy looking at other babies thinking ‘Oh shit, that dude has started walking – I am a total and utter failure.’ These imaginary yardsticks which we unconsciously use for comparing ourselves are actually imposed on us by our parents, teachers and society at large as we grow up. At school, it’s a race to see who’s cleverest, who’s the sportiest or who will get the lead role in the end-of-year play. As we grow older, at work it’s who will be the boss’s favourite, who will get the promotion, and who will get the cheeky snog at the Christmas party from the new hottie in the office.

Unwittingly we get lobbed on to life’s comparison conveyor belt and it just keeps us going round and round, making us feel dizzy with the constant feeling that we aren’t good enough or where we should be for where we are in life. This creates the sinking feeling of never reaching that elusive destination where everything is just going to be ‘just perfect’. This feeling leaves your energy in a funk that is totally not conducive to success or manifesting. The reality is that, in every part of our lives, there is an opportunity to feel as though we have failed. And when this starts to mount up over time we are left with a totally false, yet deep-rooted, belief system about who we are at the core that then determines how we carry on in the future. That’s why in the previous chapter I asked you to focus on what you really want in your life, not what you think you want because everyone else has it.

It was the winter of 2005 and I was about to head out to the student union for another night of alcohol-fuelled debauchery with my best friends, but as I looked at them dressing their perfectly formed size-6 figures in their gorgeous body-con dresses and applying make-up to their perfectly clear skin, a familiar feeling came over me. As I scanned my curvy physique and vigilantly applied a 3-inch-thick layer of foundation to my face, to cover the new cluster of spots that had appeared, I felt anger, envy and sadness. I felt fat and unattractive, and it just wasn’t fair. I remember so clearly that I threw myself on to the floor in a heap of tears and felt physically sick, and even then I scorned myself for being such a mess. The thing was, I wasn’t overweight but, in comparison with my friends, I felt huge.

When you go through life like this, you are setting yourself up for failure instead of success because, if you are always looking out for how others are doing better, looking better, being better, then you will always find this to be the case. In psychology, this is called confirmation bias. And for those suffering with low self-esteem, every time we make comparisons it feeds that pesky Ego with more ammo and it will chitter chatter until all that negative self-talk leads us on a downward spiral into depression. The thing I didn’t realize back then in my early twenties was that I had a choice to change everything I didn’t like about myself. But I was so sucked up in my own victim mentality that I couldn’t see the possibility or opportunity for my own growth. Instead, I just drowned my sorrows in shots of cheap tequila which I would proceed to vomit up the next morning. Sexy.

From a psychological perspective, it has been said that we make comparisons as a way of evaluating ourselves, which in turn enables our brain to develop an understanding of who we are, what we are good at and what we suck at. This happens both consciously and unconsciously. Then there is the ever-growing world of social media, which just acts like kerosene being poured on to the flame of comparison. Social media has massively increased the information about people that we’re exposed to and forces our minds to assess it on the train to work, when we are going for a wee or lying in bed at 2 a.m. Instead of just looking at our BFFs for comparison, we now have the whole world to compare ourselves to and it’s all too easy to contrast our day-to-day reality to the touched-up, Photo-shopped, sepia-filtered fragments of someone else’s.

The problem is, as human beings, we look around at what is happening outside before deciding how to feel on the inside, and this is something I want you to become aware of and start changing as it will free you from the grasp of comparison that has been weighing you down and stopping you from living the life you have been dreaming of. When you are scrolling down your newsfeed and subjected to a barrage of images that serve only as a reminder of where you aren’t, this just creates more negativity in your mind. It amplifies fears, pressures and insecurities by showing you the ‘highlights reel’ of other people’s lives.

When you are constantly comparing yourself to others, how can you ever really know what you want or be truly happy with what you have got? If you are on a perpetual quest to keep up with the Joneses, the Smiths and the Kardashians, you deny yourself the very gift of tapping into the power of finding your true purpose and living a life that makes you happy. In addition, if you are fixated on what other people have, you may be cajoled into thinking that that it is what you want.

So how would it feel to face the other way?

How about taking your gaze from the outside world and start looking inward at your Soul? It is there to guide you every step of the way towards the exact destination you have set out to get to. However, in order to hear it, you need to quieten the noise. Wouldn’t it be utterly liberating to be able to ignore the successes or failures of others in an attempt to focus wholly on you: to learn more, to love more and to grow more into the most epic version of yourself?

What would it be like to totally own your life in all its glory and focus on you becoming the best version of you instead of a best version of you compared to everyone around you? When you do this, you are tapping into the power of your own pure potential that is lying at your very core but hasn’t yet been used. Focusing on everybody else drains your energy, which then leaves you in a manifesting funk. When you become obsessed with your own personal growth rather than your personal growth in relation to others, you will unlock magic in your life and your manifesting power will be unleashed. Become so engulfed in creating your own success that you don’t even care what others are doing.

Of course, measuring yourself against others is a modus operandi of the human mind, and in some ways it can actually be helpful, if we can control our thoughts. The inspiration you get from someone else’s achievements can push you to improve your own life. I know that when I’ve seen someone flaunting their peachy booty in the gym, it makes me more motivated to go and achieve the same. How would it feel to be inspired by others’ successes and to know that if it’s possible for them then it’s possible for you, too?

I made a conscious choice to become totally aware of my feelings when comparing myself to others. When I felt that little green-eyed monster popping up devilishly at my shoulder, I used that feeling to push me to do better. I came to realize that, if I felt envy when looking at others, it meant that I desired that thing. Whether it was pictures of toned abs, a Piña Colada beach shot or a happy couple, I embraced the fact that these were my desires and I set out to get them. I truly believe that if a desire is put inside us it is meant for us. Use your envy as a catalyst for personal growth.

It’s time to screw the scoreboard.

When social media stirs up feelings of inadequacy, there are some pretty obvious ways to get rid of the funk. You can go totally cold turkey (yep, I said it) as you embark on your journey of self-discovery and awesomeness and delete apps or even deactivate accounts. You could ruthlessly prune your lists of friends and get rid of those who stir up negative feelings in you, while you work on your inner self until you are in a position where you just don’t give a shit any more.

Ultimately, the greatest protection against the dreaded comparison hangover – and the best way to pull yourself out of it – is to develop and maintain a stable sense of self. That means focusing on growing your identity and self-esteem, giving energy to a select posse of peeps who get the real you, and staying aligned to your beliefs and values. Basically, it's owning your shit and being proud of the person you are in real life, not the person you curate for Instagram.

The comparison hangover clinic

So, the Australians are a pretty ingenious people. I found out recently on a trip to Sydney that they have hangover clinics. You rock up feeling like you want to die because your brain has been turned into mashed potato by an eclectic mix of spirits. They hook you up to a drip and 30 minutes later – voilà – you are a new person. Well, I want you to imagine that it’s time for you to get hooked up to the comparison detox drip.

The first step to manifesting all that you desire in your life is to get rid of the belief that you are in any sort of competition with the outside world. Instead, start looking inward to your Soul and the guidance it offers. When you look outward for validation, acceptance or reward, you are giving away your power. Hold on to your power by deciding that from today you will own your journey and your life and make the wholehearted choice to set your own expectations instead of living up to those that have been forced upon you all your life so far. Make the bold decision that you will no longer allow yourself to feel the pain of someone else’s progress by comparing it to yours.

As soon as you do this, all feelings of envy, fear, anxiety and anger will start to dissipate. It becomes all about you and your inner journey. You will start to align with the Universe and attract people on the same journey as you, and because of this you will start to celebrate and be inspired by other people’s successes. As you change your inner world, the outer world around you will change. As you grow into a better version of yourself, you will start to manifest the most incredible things in the world.

I want you to decide that your successes and failures are yours alone to learn from and that they do not reflect your self-worth. Decide that you are no longer defined by what you own and what you have achieved but by who you are at the very core – an amazing human with all the potential to create whatever you desire. Know that as long as you are improving every day in every area of your life that you are exactly where you need to be. If you haven’t done the JFDI! task in Chapter 3 go back and do it now. This will lay the foundation for you to be super-focused on you.

An amazing way to allow that comparison hangover drip to work its magic gradually is by counting your blessings every day and practising deep gratitude for where you are in your life and what is good in your own life. Happy people use themselves for an internal evaluation, and I want you to start doing this. Instead of comparing yourself with others, simply compare yourself with previous versions of yourself. Looking at where you have come from in relation to you and only you is far more empowering.

TOP TAKEAWAYS

• Comparison killed the cat, not curiosity.

• When you are wrapped up in the successes of everyone else, you fail to see opportunities for your own personal growth.

• Instead of looking outward for validation, look inward.

• If looking at social media takes you down a rabbit hole of comparison, quit the looking.

• Your journey is yours alone – only seek to be better than you were yesterday.

JFDI!

Fuck the failure

This task is to figure out who is setting your yardsticks and where you are suffering from a comparison hangover.

Consider for a moment all the areas of life in which you feel like you have ‘failed’ right now or could be doing better.

• Could you or should you be in better shape?

• Could you or should you have more love in your life?

• Could or should your finances be better than they are?

• Could you or should you have better friendships in your life?

• Could or should your business be doing better than it is?

• Could you or should you be serving the world in a better way?

Of these, note down on a piece of paper your top three perceived failures.

Now you have a list of three things that you judge yourself to have failed at.

Next, I want you to stop and consider against whose yardstick you have failed by. Dig deep and truly understand who or what has been your puppet master until now.

• Is it magazines and television shows?

• Is it your parents or siblings?

• Is it your friends?

How have you actually come to the conclusion that where you are is a sign of having failed rather than just the place in life where you need to be right now, so you can move onwards to the next phase?

Who decided that your current state of progress is a failure?

Now look back at where you have come from:

• Where did you start?

• How have you already grown to be the amazing human being you are today?

Think about the opportunities for growth that the failure presents you with right now and the future benefits that this growth will have on your life.

Let your new mantra be:

I am exactly where I need to be, and I know exactly where to go.

This is my journey and I will love it fully.