Just F*cking Do It

Let’s talk about people. I’ve come to realize that no matter how much of an introvert or extrovert or any other type of ‘vert’ you are, we humans crave connection with other humans. But who we choose to spend our precious time with is of utmost importance.

Fitting in

Maslow’s hierarchy of needs is a motivational theory in psychology made up of a five-tier model of human needs, often shown as levels within a pyramid. Needs that are lower down in the pyramid have to be met before dealing with the needs higher up. Starting from the bottom, the needs are physiological, safety, love and belonging, esteem and, at the top, self-actualization. Self-actualization is the full realization of one’s creative, intellectual or social potential, or what I define as the understanding you have of your capacity to be more and do more. In essence, you realize that it’s time to do your ‘something big’.

Every person is capable and has the desire to move up the hierarchy towards the level of self-actualization. Unfortunately, sometimes the journey is disrupted by a failure to meet lower-level needs. So, in lame terms, if you don’t have food or shelter, it will be very hard to go out and do your ‘something big’ in the world.

Right now, though, I want to talk about the third need, which is the social need to be loved and to belong. In order to avoid problems such as depression and anxiety, it is important for people to feel loved and accepted by other people. But what we need to be aware of is whether we are meeting this need in a way that will also help us achieve success. Are you choosing the right group of people to belong to that will help you reach your full potential?

I’ll always remember a four-year period during my teenage years when I was trying to find my identity and where I would fit in. I think the defining moment for me was when I decided that I should be a Goth because that’s what my friends were doing. We would traipse around Camden Market in London picking up studded dog-collar chokers, baggy Nirvana hoodies and black eyeliner. The ‘Goth’ phase came after the ‘bright-pink pedal pusher trousers with really huge hooped earrings’ phase. The truth is, I would have worn bin bags if that’s what everyone else was doing.

I had a huge fear of standing out, being different or not feeling accepted. I also totally accept that, as we go through our teenage years, this is a time of exploration and that is totally OK. But, for me, it was more about conformity and a longing to be part of the group. This escalated as I grew older, so that I graduated from wearing clothes that matched other people’s to doing drugs that matched other people’s. Research has shown time after time the very great effect of our peers on our lives. If we aren’t careful, the need to belong can take us down some very dark alleys.

Before becoming an entrepreneur, I worked in a sales job. Each day I would spend hours commuting between clients’ houses and, after developing an aversion to listening to the same old songs on the radio, I dipped my toe into the world of audiobooks.

I became shamelessly obsessed with the American entrepreneur and motivational speaker Jim Rohn. I would spend hours just listening to him while in the comfort of my car. I’d never have guessed that spending so much time with a dead person would have brought me so much fulfilment. It was one of the first times that I really started to believe that I had the power to change my life. One of the things that stuck in my head is the notion that we are the sum of the five people we spend the most time with. We are all just balls of energy connected to one another so it makes total sense that the energy of those closest to us (not necessarily spatially) can have a profound impact and influence on how we feel and how we go about our own lives. For example, if you are around people who cheat on their partners and think it’s OK, chances are that you will be influenced by them and do the same. If you spend your time with people who go out drinking every weekend, then chances are you will, too. Being in the wrong posse can have subtle yet long-lasting effects on your happiness and success.

Because it’s human nature to want to fit in and be accepted, we all subconsciously conform to what feels like the safe option. We do this to feel that belongingness, even if those around us are behaving in ways that are not conducive to our success. While we all have the ability to think for ourselves, of course, we may unconsciously play along with the system and rules of those around us.

THE LITTLE SWALLOW’S STORY

I once read a story about a little swallow who was covering one of its eyes with its wing. An owl flew past and asked the swallow what was wrong. The swallow moved its wing and revealed a wound where its eye had once been. The owl nodded and said, ‘Oh, I understand, you are crying because a crow pecked out your eye!’ ‘No,’ said the swallow, ‘I am crying because I let it.’ This short yet profound fable illustrates the importance that we must become aware of the effect that those closest to us have on our mental, emotional and spiritual state.

Yes, we need to be loved and to belong, but it’s equally important to make sure that the people around you have a positive effect on you and are not pecking away at your vision, like the crow did to the little swallow. Those who reach us on a daily basis should inspire us to be a better version of ourselves and should support us by accepting us when we show up as our most authentic self. The truth is that you could subconsciously be keeping yourself small and plodding along so that you don’t get disowned by those you are closest to. The big question is: are you letting others steal your dreams?

Picking a new posse

Ask yourself: are the people around you going to support your journey? Do the people around you spend more time moaning and gossiping or motivating and inspiring? Do the people around you bring out the best in you? Every person gives off a vibe that will either energize you or drain you. Have you ever been around someone and said ‘Oh, I get a negative vibe from them?’ or ‘She is so high vibe’? These are the exactly the vibrations I am talking about.

We literally emanate our vibes, and others can feel them and so can the Universe. You can’t change how people want to go about their own life, but you can limit the effect they have on you if it isn’t positive. I’d like you to empower yourself by knowing you can pick a new posse. Jim Rohn was the first person I picked in my posse. Yes, dead people also count. On a daily basis, I would spend more hours listening to him, letting him inspire me over and above the moans and groans of work colleagues and the dramas of my acquaintances. If you can’t find a physical posse, then invest in buying a new posse through audiobooks or meeting people online to grow your network.

As you grow and develop, you may start to recognize that some people around you seem different. As you change, people around you may also change. Sometimes in a positive way and sometimes in a not so positive way. As you take the journey into becoming the best version of yourself, you will start to beam inside, and your light will shine bright. As much as it can inspire people, it can also reveal other people’s imperfections. If people around you are supportive of you and this new chapter in your life, then that’s marvellous and it may inspire them to make their own changes. If people begin to ignore you and start to pull away, then that’s their loss. And God forbid that people dislike what you are doing or try to stop you – in that case, take a deep breath and stubbornly continue on your journey. Ultimately, you should never turn down the volume of your ambition because other people don’t like the noise.

There is also a power in letting people go who bring too much drama into your life, even if you care about them. This can often be the hardest choice you will make. I was in a relationship with someone I truly loved but who brought out the worst in me. It wasn’t his fault, but I always felt a level of tension as I tried to conform to the personality he expected his girlfriend to be. My intuition would consistently tell me that he wasn’t right for me, but my Ego would always tell me there would be no one else better. I would go from being totally happy with him to falling into states of terrible anxiety, from having the best time to engaging in huge alcohol-fuelled arguments. My Soul was in constant conflict with my Ego, and this was causing inner turmoil.

If fear is keeping you in a relationship, it’s time to exercise some huge self-love. Your romantic partner plays such a huge part in your life and is such an important member of your posse that you need to pick them very wisely. They will have the biggest impact on you and your success.

In addition, choose wisely who you share your dreams with. Have you ever told someone about your big plans and their initial reaction is to shoot you down or immediately tell you all the risks? If those people are not doing their own personal development work, then they will subconsciously project all their fears on to you because, when you go out and do immense things with your life, it will make them look and feel worse.

It’s also crucially important that, as you venture into doing something new, you choose carefully who you take advice from. I cannot stress this enough. Often we seek advice from people who are not qualified to give us an answer, which puts us at a huge disadvantage.

CARA’S STORY

Cara had desperately wanted to start a business for years, to give her freedom and to escape the 9–5. But every time she went to invest in a business coach, her husband would tell her, ‘Oh, you can do it alone and save the money. Coaches are a waste of money.’ Because Cara didn’t know what she was doing, she always gave up. The irony here lay in the fact that Cara’s husband wasn’t an entrepreneur and had never invested in himself or a coach. But Cara loved her husband and his opinion mattered to her. Cara’s husband wasn’t doing this to be malicious and was ultimately trying to protect his wife from making a mistake. The intention was good, but it suffocated her dreams.

In fact, it’s those who love us the most that usually are the most ‘harmful’ to our dreams. Their often-misguided advice comes from a place of protection which is fuelled by our old friend fear.

Cara put off her dream for many years until she finally decided to just fucking do it. And guess what? Cara is now the proud owner of a very successful six-figure business. The cost of bad advice can cause your Soul to go bankrupt. Had Cara never taken the leap, she would still be living a life that lacked fulfilment and freedom.

The lesson here is, whatever your goal is, you need to find people who have already done that ‘something big’. Find the evidence from people who have got what you want and use them as your compass and inspiration. Fill your posse with inspirational folks.

Shortcut to success

I didn’t want an easy life, I didn’t want a comfortable life, I wanted an amazing life. So, I would go and find out from the people who inspired me how they created their lives. I read about millionaires, took courses with experts and invested in upgrading my mindset. I looked at the habits of successful people and I started to copy what they did. This is how you make sure that your new identity is conducive to success.

When I first started my physical products business, I didn’t Google to just try to get information, I went straight to the people who were turning over millions a month on their businesses online and I learned from them. When I started my coaching business, I wanted to learn from coaches who were reaching the income goals I desired and making an impact on the world, in the way that I wanted to make an impact on the world. I went and invested in learning with them because mentorship is the shortcut to success.

If you want to lose weight and improve your health, get a personal trainer. If you want to be a great public speaker, invest in public speaking lessons. If you want a new business, invest in a business coach who has built that particular business well. I can guarantee there is someone doing the thing you want to do, and all you need to do is to find them. When you find someone who has achieved what you want, you can be sure that it can be done. You just need to take the same actions. Stop taking constructive criticism from people who haven’t constructed anything. Don’t take advice or listen to people who aren’t doing what you want to do. Go straight to the source.

We’re all human beings. Sometimes we put people we admire on a pedestal, and we think that they’re superhuman. If there’s someone who inspires you, reach out to them, and ask them the questions you want to ask. Say, ‘Look, you’ve really inspired me. I would love to work with you. How can I get a chance for you to mentor me or work with me?’

Don’t be scared to invest in something you really, really want. This is the secret of every successful person I’ve ever met.

Inspire, don’t instruct

If you are wise enough to implement what I teach in this book, you will start seeing changes, and it’s inevitable that you will want those around you to start doing the same. You may find yourself telling other people – perhaps your partner, or parents or friends – what to do. But fight that urge because inspiring others is a hundred times more powerful than instructing people.

I have clients forever telling me that their partners don’t understand what self-development is and they find it frustrating that their partners won’t meditate with them, do affirmations or write goals. The cold-hard truth is that people will only change if they want to. They can change only if they are ready. Don’t get all evangelical with them, or you will be turning into a preaching mosquito, and mosquitos are an annoyance. Stay in your own lane.

JOANNA’S STORY

Joanna embarked on this journey of just fucking doing it in life. She started her own business and began to make more money, take lovely holidays, her relationships improved, and people started to take notice of her. However, there were a few people in Joanna’s life who detached from her, and most of these were friends who were still in their old jobs, unhappy with their lack of fulfilment.

Instead of inspiring them, her success showed up their lack of desire to change their own lives and so they moved away from her.

We can’t do anything about such situations. We need to accept and forgive these people and hope that they come back to us in good time, with their own new lives. But know this: for every person who cannot stand the brightness in your life, you will attract someone who will celebrate and embrace you and cheer you along your journey. You will find that you attract incredible new people into your life effortlessly. Sometimes, sadly, that involves saying goodbye to others.

Happy, not right

As discussed earlier in the book your words have the power to affect your energy, so make it your mission to be aware of how you speak of others, too. When you talk negatively about others, you are putting out some bad mojo. When you become defensive, play the blame game, or refuse to accept the moment, your life meets resistance.

Whenever you are confronted by a difficult situation or person, remind yourself: ‘This moment is as it should be.’ Becoming the best version of your spiritual self means giving up the need to convince or persuade others of your point of view. It’s the Ego’s game to always want to be right. If you start to look around, you will notice that people around you spend far too much time defending their point of view and it’s a whole waste of energy. I’d much rather be happy than right, and when we don’t play along with the Ego’s need to be right we tap into an enormous amount of energy that we can use to make our life better.

Remember how I talked about you being an energy generator in Chapter 7? Think about the times you have become preoccupied by somebody else’s dramas or have replayed a conversation that didn’t go the right way, have obsessed about money, a promotion, a message left by an ex or a horrible experience that happened a year ago. Well, every time you negatively obsess about someone at work and how they never do their job properly, or an ex-partner and how they broke your heart, you are throwing out one of your energy cords and allowing them to suck away your energy.

You are giving your power away because in that moment you are lowering your vibe and giving away the power to change your life. Remind yourself that you have total control over who and what you chuck your energy cords out to. Some will suck you dry and drain you, and some will fill you up a treat and generate even more energy.

Choose to spend time with people who fill you up, people who you can truly be yourself around. They are your posse. Choose people who make you laugh. Laughter generates energy. Remember to nurture your relationships because if relationships aren’t nurtured they die, just like plants. Take the time to pick a posse that lifts you up and then make a commitment to show those people the gratitude you have for them.

TOP TAKEAWAYS

• Your need to fit in can override your greatness because it can cause you to stay around people who stunt your growth.

• Surround yourself with people who inspire you. They don’t need to be alive or in your physical presence.

• As you grow in your life, you may outgrow the people around you, and that’s OK.

• Don’t instruct the people around you to change; inspire them by changing and shining your bright light.

• Save your energy for important things: being happy is more important than the Ego game of being right.

JFDI!

Cut those cords

If you ever find yourself being mentally or emotionally drained by someone in your life, then it’s time to release their mental stranglehold and cut the energy cord. Sometimes it’s easy to get rid of a person physically from our lives, but we still spend so much time thinking about them that it still drains us. Sometimes we can’t get rid of people physically, because they are a close family member, but you still want to get rid of the de-energizing effect they have on you. This is what this chapter’s task is all about: reclaiming your power over your own energy cords.

The first thing you need to do in this task is to think about the people in your life who drain you. You need to work on one person at any given time. The first way to recalibrate your energy is to forgive people for anything they may have done. When we choose to forgive instead of holding grudges, we release the stagnant energy from our body that is stopping the flow of magic.

Grab a journal and write a letter of forgiveness to them. Let go of any anger, hurt, resentment and bask in the knowledge that they have come into your life to teach you how to become a better person. They are your lesson.

Once you have forgiven them, head to www.noorhibbert.com/book and listen to the cutting cord meditation to help you detach from them, energetically.