Carrie
I was admittedly proud of myself for keeping it together. Since Joe’s slip of the tongue, he’d been overtly romantic and sweet. Each time he did something unexpected, I had to talk myself off the ledge. It was exhausting and I was starting to get on my own damn nerves, but Joe deserved to be appreciated for the nice things he did. So I came up with a way to figure out how to handle all the new relationship-y crap I knew nothing about. Basically, I took my initial reaction and then did the exact opposite. It seemed to be working like a charm.
Weeks passed and it got easier to accept the affection he was showering me with without having to overthink everything. I kept thinking that over time things would dwindle, his efforts would lessen, but they never did. The fact that he kept going above and beyond to show he cared about me, even after bedding me several times, was reassuring. My insecurities were vanishing, and I held out hope that eventually they would disappear altogether.
My confidence in general only tended to waver when it came to men or relationships, and for once in my life I was fighting to keep someone, not push them away. I deserved a freaking gold star for that kind of personal growth.
“Hey, Carrie! What are you doing here?” Lacy’s voice rang out from somewhere behind me, but in Grind’s low lighting, I didn’t spot her until she came out from behind the bar and stepped under one of the dim flood lights.
“Oh, hey Lacy. I was dropping off some information for Reed. I don’t have an appointment; I was just in the area. You know if she’s in?”
“You just missed her actually, but I’d be happy to pass this along for you?” There was something not quite right with the smile she gave me as I handed her the papers, like something was bothering her, but I didn’t really know her well enough to pry.
“Well, thanks. It was good seeing you,” I said as I turned to leave, then stopped in my tracks when she yelled out my name.
“Hey, um, I know it’s none of my business, but I just wanted to say I’m sorry to hear about you and Joe.”
Lacy had always seemed to be a somewhat pleasant person, and she hadn’t even attempted to flirt with Joe since that day in Grind when I first met her. None of that mattered. Her bitchy remark had me spinning on my heels and marching right up to her. She was runway model tall and towered over me, but I was scrappy, and I’d cut a bitch if needed.
“And what, exactly, is that supposed to mean?” It was the nicest thing I could think to respond with, since calling her a bitch and punching her in the nose didn’t seem like a good decision. I said it through gritted teeth, it was practically a growl, but she didn’t cower or get defensive. She looked at me like she pitied me. What the hell?
“For what it’s worth, I thought you guys were great together. Men are idiots, and I guess Joe is no exception. So anyway, next time you come in, drinks on me, kay?”
“Um, thanks? But I’m not sure what you’re talking about.”
Lacy looked at me quizzically, as if I were the one not making any sense.
“I’m sorry, I thought that...well, I mean, it’s just...I um…”
I was quickly losing patience with her stuttering. “Spit it out, Lacy. What are you talking about?” She winced and blurted out her answer so fast I almost didn’t understand it.
“HehookedupwithTrinalastnight.”
After taking a few seconds to repeat her sentence in my head a few times to decipher it, it finally dawned on me. “Who the hell is Trina? And what are you talking about? Joe was with me last night.”
“Trina is the girl who was with me at the coffee shop when we ran into each other a while back. And I know they hooked up, because I was with her.”
She went on explaining, but I didn’t hear her. I was too busy trying to remember what time Joe left my place the night before. It had been earlier than normal, which I had thought weird at the time but easily dismissed. I had no reason to think it was weird. I completely trusted him.
Without another word, I left Grind and a very flustered Lacy behind me. Joe was off work that day, so he could only be a handful of places. I glanced at my phone and my stomach clenched when I read a text he’d sent me while I was talking with Lacy.
Gonna have to take a rain check on dinner. Something came up and don’t know how long I’ll be. Make it up to you tomorrow.
I felt angry and, admittedly, a tinge worried. But I trusted Joe. Despite his reputation, he truly was a good guy, and I knew that if he wanted to sleep with someone else, he would break it off with me first. It just wasn’t his nature to do something so dick-ish.
So my anger was directed at this Trina slut, who was obviously spreading rumors. I didn’t know how to find her, but I figured one of the dozens of people constantly traipsing around Joe’s house probably would - she seemed like a frequent flyer.
The whole drive to Joe’s house I was mentally patting myself on the back. In the past it wouldn’t have even been a question of Joe’s fidelity. I would have just assumed the worst. And maybe my new outlook was only applicable to this one man, but it was still progress. A step in the right direction, and a big leap in proving to myself - and Joe - that I could do this.
I was surprised when I pulled into Joe’s driveway and saw his truck. Maybe whatever had kept him tied up had to do with his house or something. The worry I’d been feeling, I realized, was about Joe’s reaction.
Would he be as bothered by this as I was?
Would he confront Trina and tell her to get lost, or would he put my feelings about it aside and dismiss her actions?
Shrugging off my worry, determined to keep my faith in Joe in tact, I pushed open the front door. I started to call out to him, but his voice interrupted me before I could speak. It sounded like it was coming from down the hall, and as I followed his voice, I could tell it was coming from his bedroom. His location combined with what he was saying was getting me very close to the point of breaking.
“Trina, you have to stop this.”
That slut.
“Joe, why are you fighting this?”
Dammit! It wasn’t even a phone conversation. That slut was in his bedroom with him!
I was about to shove the door the rest of the way open and start scratching her eyeballs out, but something kept me glued in place. A niggling feeling somewhere deep inside that made me feel like I needed the confirmation that he was going to resist her. It was shitty and horrible of me, but when your heart is on the line, you can end up doing the most despicable of things.
“I’m not fighting anything, Trina. Whatever you think is, or was, going on between us has always been in your head. I never promised you more than sex.”
A high pitched whine-slash-groan coming from Trina had me cringing. Her voice was as annoying as nails on a chalkboard.
“Then why did you keep coming back for more? I’m the only one you slept with regularly. All the other girls it was a one-time deal, except for me. That has to mean something.”
I rolled my eyes, even though no one was around to see it. My boyfriend was such a slut.
“I’m sorry if I led you on, but that wasn’t my intention. I thought you understood. If I had thought for one second that you felt this way, then I wouldn’t have kept hooking up with you.”
A resounding slap noise came next, and I had to bite back a laugh. Served the asshole right for sticking his dick in so many women. I was so not going to let him live this down.
“This is all because of that whore!”
Ugh, bitch - what a hypocrite.
“Don’t call her that, and Carrie has nothing to do with this. I wouldn’t feel anything for you even if Carrie weren’t in the picture.”
Damn straight! You tell her!
“That’s bullshit, and you know it.” I could just picture her in my head with her arms crossed and her foot stomping on the ground like a toddler throwing a tantrum. “You’ve changed, Joe. You practically disappeared, and when you are around, you’re zero fun.” Her voice took on a begging sound, which I imagined meant her lower lip was protruding. “I miss you. We had so much fun together. Why does you being with Carrie mean our fun has to stop?”
Freaking home wrecker. I’d just about hit my limit of what I could stomach to hear, but Joe’s next words kept me frozen in place.
“Because I love her! Carrie is everything to me. She’s not some random woman who’s helping me scratch an itch, okay? I plan to make my life with her, and I don’t appreciate you trying to stir up problems. I’m going to say it for the last time, and so help me, you better get it through your head. I’m. Not. Interested.”
I knew he loved me already. Somewhere deep down, I knew that. But hearing him say it, and say it so passionately… I felt like I was going to hyperventilate. The rustling of fabric and Joe yelling at Trina pulled me from my panic, and I’d finally had enough.
I burst through the doors, taking only a brief second to take in the situation. Both mouths were dropped in surprise, but Trina’s quickly morphed into a smug grin. My gaze dropped down to where Joe was shoving a trench coat into Amber’s arms, which did little to cover up her entirely nude body.
Not only was she a slut, but she was a cliché slut.
“Carrie, I can-”
I didn’t let Joe finish. I stormed over, ripped the coat from both of their hands, and grabbed Trina by the roots of her hair. She was almost a foot taller than me, but I’d developed enough of an attitude over the years to compensate for my small size, so her kicking and scratching did little to help her escape my clutches.
I was moving fast, and I felt her wobble behind me and cry out in pain, but I didn’t stop to look back. I let go of her hair when we got to the front door so I could yank it open.
“You crazy bitch! Who the hell-whoa!”
With one hand clutching her coat I was only able to give her a one-handed shove. It didn’t matter, though, because she had apparently lost a shoe during the struggle and she was caught off guard enough when I pushed her that she toppled down his front steps. When she landed - naked ass sticking up in the air - onto Joe’s front lawn, I tossed her jacket at her.
In my periphery I saw Joe holding out her shoe, so I chucked that at her too.
“Next time you show your face around here, I won’t be so nice when I kick you out.”
She was yelling something about pressing charges when I slammed the door, not caring in the least about whatever threats she was tossing at me. I swiped my hands together, as if to knock off dirt or dust after a job well done, and marched over to Joe.
I looked up at him, his face a mixture of amusement and fear, and then I gripped his face with both my hands and pulled his lips down to mine. It was a tender kiss, and when Joe tried to deepen it, I pulled back.
“Carrie, you believe that nothing happened, right?” The vulnerability in his eyes almost made me change my mind, but the second I threw that bitch out the door, I had decided what I needed to do.
I took Joe’s hand in mine and walked him over to the couch. I knew he wasn’t going to understand, but I hoped he would respect my wishes anyway.
“Yes, I do believe you.” I said it with enough conviction that it was unquestionable whether or not I meant it. Hearing that I believed him seemed to shock him more than relieve him. “I overheard more than I should have, and I’m sorry for eavesdropping. But I also want you to know that even if I hadn’t, I would still believe you. I was actually on my way here to try and track her down.”
“What? Why?”
“I was at Grind earlier, and Lacy gave me her condolences for our relationship. Apparently she’s under the impression that you hooked up with Trina last night.” I pushed a finger to his mouth when he tried to speak up. “I know you didn’t, I trust you. Odd as that is coming from me, I truly do. I was trying to track her down so I could kick her ass for spreading rumors.”
I could see his love for me when I admitted I’d finally given him my trust, and it made me feel horrible about what I was about to do.
“Listen, I um, I don’t really know how to approach this, so I’m going to come right out and say it. I think we should take some time apart.”
To his credit, he didn’t react nearly as badly as I thought he would, and I wasn’t sure if I should be grateful or bothered by it.
“Things happened so quickly with us. Maybe it doesn’t seem that way to you, but it does to me, and I don’t want to screw up. I know wanting to be apart probably doesn’t make sense, and I want you to know I’m not running, I just...Before I fully hand my heart over to you, I have to know for myself that I can handle your...lifestyle.”
“What does that mean? Is it because of my job? That it’s dangerous?”
I couldn’t blame him for being confused. I wasn’t explaining myself well. Probably because I didn’t fully understand it myself.
“No, no. I mean...this.” I gestured around his house with my hand, my gaze landing on his pool, which had several occupants.”
“Oh, you mean my house and the visitors? We don’t have to-”
“No, let me stop you. I’m not asking you to change. I wouldn’t do that, it’s not fair. I have to come to grips with having to share you with so many people, and that’s my hang-up to tackle. I’m not giving up, but after today with the rumors and finding Trina’s naked ass in your room, it’s just a lot to take in. It’s literally the opposite of how I’ve lived my life, and maybe there is compromise somewhere for the both of us, but I need some time to figure it out.”
“Okay.”
“Trust me, I...wait...did you just say ‘okay’?”
“Yeah, if you really think that’s what you need, then okay. As long as you aren’t giving up then I can live with giving you a little space.”
He truly didn’t seem bothered by my request, but it sunk in that he said ‘little’ space, and that’s not what I was really asking for.
“I meant more than a little space. Some true time apart. I know it’s not fair to you, so if you’d rather just throw in the towel now I’ll understand.” I would understand, but it would still hurt like a bitch.
“So...are you saying you want to see other people?”
I hadn’t thought my stupid idea through enough. Of course it wasn’t fair of me to cut him out of my life, even temporarily, and expect him to sit around waiting for me to work out my shit. Yet the thought of Joe sleeping with another woman made me feel so enraged that I probably could’ve bent steel with my bare hands.
“I don’t know the answer to that. I know I don’t want to see anyone else, but I also know it’s not fair to expect you to be celibate. So I guess do what you feel you need to, but if things work out between us, I don’t want to know what happened while we were apart. I don’t think I could handle it.”
The silence between us stretched, and I had to dig my elbow into my knee to keep my leg from bouncing. My nerves were getting the best of me, but eventually he let out a resigned sigh and slumped his shoulders.
“I’m not happy about it, but if this is what you need, then I can do it. Under one condition.”
I hesitated, not really wanting to agree to a condition before hearing it, but knowing I was already putting him in such a shitty spot had me nodding my head in agreement.
“When you come to your decision, if you decide to give us a real shot, then make sure you are one hundred percent in. There’s not a lot I won’t do for you, Carrie, but being strung along isn’t one of them. I know I can make you happy, but I won’t make myself miserable in the process.”
My heart lurched, and for a second I reconsidered my proposal. Knowing he was right and that it most certainly did look as if I was stringing him along made me feel horrible, but I wasn’t playing games. I really did need time, and the commitment he was asking for wasn’t one I could give him until I’d had this time to think things over.
“Thank you. I can promise you that I’m not trying to be difficult. I’m so sorry for this.”
I already had regret brewing inside me as he walked me to his door, saying melancholy goodbyes before I walked to my car.
And with every step I took farther away from him, the more I hated myself for being too screwed up to just take a chance.