In the days that followed I found my thoughts returning to the group again and again.
We had been on a long journey together. Different people had started out with different hopes, different fears, and different destinations in mind. Yet no matter what their original reasons for coming to the workshop meetings, they all had the satisfaction of seeing not only that their new skills improved their relationships with their teenagers, but that their teenagers were behaving more responsibly. Accomplishments we could all feel good about!
Still, I was glad we’d be meeting again. It would give me a chance to share with the parents what had been welling up within me with increasing clarity—the larger view of what our work together had been about.
Next time I’ll tell them that if it is indeed true that “children learn what they live,” then what their children had been living and learning over these past few months were the most basic principles of caring communication. Every day, in the push and pull of family life, their teenagers were learning that:
Feelings matter. Not just your own, but those of people with whom you disagree.
Civility matters. Anger can be expressed without insult.
Words matter. What you choose to say can cause resentment or generate goodwill.
Punishment has no place in a caring relationship. We’re all people in process—capable of making mistakes and capable of facing our mistakes and making amends.
Our differences needn’t defeat us. Problems that seem insoluble can yield to respectful listening, creativity, and persistence.
We all need to feel valued. Not only for who we are now, but for who we can become.
Next time we meet, I’ll tell the parents that each day offers new opportunities. Each day gives them a chance to demonstrate the attitude and language that can serve their teenagers in the present moment and in all the years ahead.
Our children are our gift to tomorrow. What they experience in our homes today will empower them to bring to the world they inherit the ways that affirm the dignity and humanity of all people.
That’s what I’ll tell the parents—next time.