Dirk was waiting for her outside, pacing and wanting to kick himself. Once more he’d been a jackass, lashing out at her for no good reason. He should be happy as hell just to have gotten laid, but the situation was exactly as he’d feared. Being with Janice made him crave everything he couldn’t have—a normal life.
He’d accepted long ago, four years to be precise, that he’d never have the kind of freedom or relationship that others took for granted—especially where sex was concerned. It wasn’t just the prosthesis; his body was so scarred and mutilated that he’d never be able to reveal it to any woman in the light of day. Her pushing him to do so only reminded him of his inadequacies and frustrated the hell out of him.
Needing a distraction, Dirk headed out to the hay barn to load up the tractor to feed the cattle. He hated having to start feeding hay so early in the season, but it was a cost he would have to bear at least until he could find better winter grazing. The summer in this part of the valley had been dry, which made for lean grass, so he’d left the cattle up on the mountain pastures as long as he’d dared, but it was past time to bring them back down. The temperature up there had already dropped below freezing at night and the higher elevations were covered with snow. They could get more any day. He’d already gathered most of the herd, but he couldn’t afford to lose the strays to wolves. He planned to go after them as soon as he got Janice settled. At least a light cover of snow would give him a better ability to track his missing stock.
Dirk found the door to the shop open and his father working on the tractor.
“’Bout time you showed yourself,” Justin Knowlton grunted.
“It’s barely seven,” Dirk protested.
“And I’ve already been out here for a solid hour. Hand me that wrench, would you?”
“What’s wrong with the damn thing now?” Dirk asked.
“Looks like a hydraulic leak. I’ll probably have to go into town. We need a replacement hose. Why are you so late?”
“I was occupied with a new hand I hired.”
“Oh yeah?” The old man stood up with a groan and then looked around the shop. “Where is he?”
“He is actually a she,” Dirk replied. “Do you remember Janice Combes?”
“Yeah, I do. Didn’t she marry that Garrison boy you used to rodeo with?”
“She did, but now she’s come back home. She’s been looking for ranch work, so I offered her a job.”
“Did you now?” His father raised a pair of bushy brows. “Think she can handle it?”
“Yeah, I can handle it,” Janice answered for herself. She entered the shop and extended her hand. “Nice to see you again, Mr. Knowlton.”
Justin wiped his greasy hands on his coveralls before taking hers. “Been a long time, young lady.”
“It has, but I’ve done just about everything when it comes to ranch work.” She nodded to the tractor. “Even fixing machinery.”
“Oh yeah?” He slanted his son a dubious look. “Think you can tell me what’s wrong with this thing?”
“Probably,” Janice said.
Dirk interjected, “We don’t have time for you to grill her right now. I need that tractor running. You want me to go to town and get the part or are you gonna do it?”
“I’ll go,” his father replied. “S’pose I’ll take the ol’ lady with me. Come by the house later?” he asked Janice. “Donna will want to see you.”
“Sure, I’ll drop by for a few minutes before I leave.”
He nodded to Dirk. “While I get that hose replaced, maybe you’ll want to go ahead and take a look at the fence in the south section? The cows pushed part of it over.”
“Already on it,” Dirk answered. “Took a look at it yesterday. Gotta replace a few rotted posts. Guess I might as well tend to it now.”
It took an effort to temper his impatience. His father had supposedly turned operations over to him three years ago. It rankled whenever the old man forgot who was in charge.
“Later then.” His father gave a curt nod.
“Ready to get to work?” Dirk asked Janice.
“Not quite yet,” she said, once his father was out of earshot. “This is new territory for me too, but it’s my turn to apologize. I’m sorry, Dirk. I didn’t understand.”
“Understand what?”
“How you feel about your…loss.”
“And now you think you do?” He scowled back at her and then started throwing fencing tools into the utility cart of the ATV. “I ain’t buying that, sweetheart. No one can understand until they’ve walked in my boots—or maybe I should make that singular,” he added bitterly. “I only wear a pair for appearances’ sake.”
She laid a hand on his arm. “Please. Don’t be like this.”
“Like what?” he snapped, jerking his arm away.
“I don’t know…so…so…angry. Sometimes you seem like the old Dirk, and then at others you just turn like a rattlesnake. What happened to you over there?”
“What happened?” He glared back at her. “I’ll tell you what fucking happened! I gave six years of my life and half my leg for nothing!”
“It wasn’t for nothing,” she protested. “Maybe I didn’t believe in the war, but you were doing what you thought was right. I admire that and I respect you for it, but I still don’t understand why you did it. Why, Dirk?”
His gaze met hers with a quelling look. “I don’t want to talk about it.”
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just wanted to understand—”
He hadn’t talked about the war to anyone. Ever. Not since the long torturous sessions with the military shrink at Walter Reed. She was pushing him again, but he’d already been an asshole to her once today. Maybe once was enough.
He forced a deep breath in and then slowly exhaled it. “No more apologies,” he cut her off. “Let’s just move beyond all that, all right? There’s a shitload of work to do around here. C’mon. I’ll start by showing you around the place.”
* * *
Janice spent the day as Dirk’s shadow, following his routine. Most of the morning he’d shown her where everything was, from tools to first aid, and then they’d ridden through the herd checking for sickness and injuries. It was all just mundane ranch work and nothing she couldn’t have handled on her own, but she was secretly happy just to be with him.
After he’d shown her around and checked the herd, they’d returned to the shop to find the tractor repaired. Janice then offered to load up the hay and haul it out to the cattle. “I know how to operate the bale splitter,” she insisted.
“All right,” he agreed after a moment of hesitation. “If you can take care of feeding, I’ll load up the fence posts.”
She was proud that he’d trusted her to do the job and even more that she’d surprised him with her knowledge of farm equipment. After feeding, they’d taken the ATV out to repair the fence. Janice rode behind Dirk with her arms around his waist, and her face mere inches from his back. She loved the smell of him, all musky male with a hint of sweat and spice.
They’d spoken very little since the morning, mainly just exchanging questions and answers, but she was OK with that. She could sense that he still needed to decompress, that his distress from the morning still simmered close to the surface. In her experience, silence and mindless farm chores were the most therapeutic to a troubled soul.
They worked together with Dirk stretching the barb wire and Janice pounding the staples into each post. They’d finished the last strand of the last post when Dirk cut the wire with a grunt of satisfaction, straightened, and tossed the stretcher and wire cutters into the ATV basket. Janice’s hammer joined the rest of the tools.
She stood as well with a low moan and a long stretch and then stepped away a pace to admire their handiwork. She massaged her lower back. It was killing her after hours of manual labor that she was no longer accustomed to. She didn’t even want to think how much her abused body was going to ache the next morning.
“You stiff?” Dirk’s voice broke two hours of near silence.
“Yeah”—she laughed—“but it’s nothing a couple of Advil and a long hot bath won’t fix.”
“It’s time for a break anyway,” he said. “Let’s go back to the house and I’ll fix us something to eat.”
She hopped behind him on the ATV but they didn’t speak again the whole ride back to the bunkhouse, or while he fixed a simple meal of grilled cheese sandwiches. Just being in his kitchen again had her on edge. She sat at the same table where they’d joined so passionately only hours ago. She’d never be able to sit here again without thinking of him moving inside her. She wanted to feel him again. With his back to her, she was free to watch him unobserved. Her gaze tracked over him, inciting a quiver of desire. Even injured as he was, Dirk was still one big, strong, and very desirable man.
Dirk worked with a fascinating economy of movement, his actions in the kitchen just as brisk and efficient as he’d been setting fence posts. In minutes he placed a plate in front of her and then pulled a couple of beers from the fridge, popped the tops, and handed her one.
“Go ahead,” he urged.
Janice took a big gooey bite of her sandwich and rolled her eyes in rapture. It was absolutely delicious. Definitely not Wonder Bread and Kraft American. “What kind of cheese is this, anyway? It’s fabulous.”
“Gouda with fresh basil on sourdough.” He took a long swig from his bottle but didn’t touch his sandwich. “You ever miss him?”
“Who?” His question had taken her completely off guard.
“Grady. You said Cody adjusted quickly to his death, but what about you?” His gaze searched hers. “Can’t be easy losing someone you’ve shared years of your life with.”
Janice didn’t want to sound cold, but she also couldn’t lie. “You asked if I missed him. Maybe I miss the man he used to be, but not who he became. Things changed…he changed. There’s a lot of stuff you don’t know, Dirk. Stuff I don’t want to talk about.”
“Maybe I know more than you think. He and I traveled together a long time. I know how he was, especially with women. I know how he treated them. Did he hurt you?”
She looked away. “Please. It’s an ugly story that I don’t want to talk about. I just want to move beyond it.” She took another bite but it might have become sawdust between slices of cardboard. She’d been starving moments ago, but now her appetite was replaced by a giant knot in her stomach at the thought of reliving the nightmare. She pushed her plate away and watched him watching her. “Look, Dirk, I didn’t press you when you didn’t want to talk about the marines.”
“That’s different,” he said.
“How? I’ve been through a hell of my own.”
“Then tell me. We’re damned well gonna talk about this, Red. I have some Pendleton or Jack Daniel’s if you need fortification, but you’re not leaving here until you tell me everything that happened. There’s stuff I need to know. Did you love him?”
Janice sighed. There was no point in fighting him. He’d either pull it from her piece by agonizing piece, or she could just bite the bullet and get it over with once and for all.
“No, Dirk. I didn’t love him.”
“Then why did you do it? Why’d you take up with Grady?”
“I told you why! My father was sick. I needed help and he was there.” She’d been desperate and felt like she had no one else to turn to. She’d even thought she might grow to love Grady in time, but she hadn’t really known him at all.
“You told me that part, but it doesn’t explain why you married him.” He was watching her too closely. He suspected there was more to the story and there was.
She looked away, her voice dropping to a whisper. “Shortly after he and I got involved, I found out I was pregnant. My father was sick. My mother couldn’t help me. What else was I to do? Grady said he’d take care of me. It wasn’t so bad at first, but you and I both know what an addictive personality Grady had. He was hooked on the adrenaline rush of bull riding. His drinking got heavier. Then there were other women.”
She was too embarrassed to mention the porn. That was her private humiliation. He’d even made her watch it with him. Rather than being a turn-on, it had made her feel dirty. Once he was gone, she’d conducted a thorough search-and-destroy mission.
He shook his head. “Shit, Janice. I had no idea. No,” he corrected himself. “That’s a lie. I just hoped it would be different, but men like him don’t usually change.”
“Grady was always arrogant and full of himself, but his success only brought out the worst in him. He was incapable of love…of fidelity…but it was meth that pushed him over the edge.”
“Meth?” Dirk almost choked on his beer.
“Yeah. I think he’d been using a while before I ever knew. He probably got turned onto it by one of the buckle bunnies he’d been screwing around with. A lot of people use it to enhance sex. It’s supposed to heighten arousal and delay orgasm, sometimes for hours. I’d never been around drugs, so I didn’t recognize what was happening until it was too late. I only noticed the changes—the mood swings, sudden rages, insomnia. I had already refused to have sex with him anymore, but by then he couldn’t get it up at all. They call it crystal dick. Of course that only incited more rage. It was a horrible cycle.”
“Shit, Janice. Why didn’t you just up and leave him?”
“I was going to. I knew he was out of control. I was even saving up money to come back home, but when it came down to it, I couldn’t just walk out on him if there was any chance I could help him through it… God knows I tried.”
“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help himself.”
“I know that now.”
His expression grew grimmer. “What happened?”
“He finally agreed to rehab, but it only lasted a few weeks. He left the program early for fear the bull-riding association would find out where he was. It wasn’t long before it started all over again. I knew it would kill him if he didn’t get off it… I was right.” Her eyes burned and her throat knotted but she refused to shed any more tears.
“All the reports said his death was a bull-riding accident,” Dirk said.
“It was,” Janice replied, “but the accident probably wouldn’t have happened if he wasn’t high. Meth would have killed him anyway—even if the bull hadn’t. No one else knows about all this, Dirk. There was an inquiry by the bull-riding association, but the idea of a drug-related scandal scared the shit out of them, so I was able to keep it all quiet. I thank God for Cody’s sake. My greatest fear was that he’d grow up under that shadow—that stigma.
“By then I felt so beaten down. Cody was pretty much my reason for being…and the hope of making a better life for him is the only thing that’s kept me together. Now I’m just trying to put it all behind us.”
He was quiet for a long time. “I knew things weren’t right when I came out to Vegas for the World Championships, but I thought it was just the whoring. Why the hell didn’t you tell me the rest?”
“Part of me wanted to, but when did I ever have a chance? You left without a word.”
Another heavy silence weighted the air.
“Why did you leave like that, Dirk? What happened between you and Grady?”
“You did.”
“Me?” she exclaimed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I didn’t like what I saw in Vegas, so I kept a promise.”
“You aren’t making any sense. What do you mean?”
He gave a resigned sigh. “I told Grady the night I left Cheyenne that he’d answer to me if he ever mistreated you, so I beat the shit out of him, just like I swore I would. I left thinking I’d set him back on the straight and narrow… Apparently I was wrong.”
“You broke his jaw? He said he was assaulted by a drunk in a bar.”
“It was in the parking lot outside the bar and neither of us was drunk…well, not completely drunk.”
Janice gazed at him incredulous. “I don’t understand you at all. If you cared anything about me, why did you leave in the first place?”
* * *
He swallowed hard. “I had my reasons. Look, Red, it’s one thing to talk about what really happened but what-ifs are a waste of gray matter. It’s all water under the bridge now. There’s no point in rehashing it.”
Her gaze searched his. “So where does this leave us now?”
“Us?” he repeated with a humorless laugh. “There can’t be any ‘us.’ I’m afraid that train’s done left the station.”
“What was this morning?”
“This morning was great. It was fucking incredible,” he added with emphasis. “But it doesn’t change anything. Great sex doesn’t mean happily ever after, Red.”
“Is that all this was about to you? Great sex?”
He shrugged. “What did you expect? I told you how it is. If that’s not enough for you, you want more than I can give you.”
Her eyes blazed. “Why you selfish bastard! You could if you wanted to. You just won’t!”
“Look at me! I told you already, I’m a fucking mess and my life is turning to shit. I can never be what you need.”
“What I need? What makes you the authority on what I need? Did you ever think that maybe I might be what you need?”
His defensive walls came up. “I don’t want or need your fucking pity!” He knew his reply stung her, but he was scared shitless and was just doing what he’d done before—pushing her away. This time, however, she pushed him right back. Literally.
“Just. Stop.” Eyes blazing, she poked him in the chest. Hard. “You know that’s not what I meant! I’m not gonna let you do it again. You can’t have it both ways. We need to resolve this—one way or another. I can’t work for you like this. Either you want me or you don’t.” She stared him down, hands on hips.
“Please, Red.” He raked his hair. “You already know I want you. That’s not the issue—”
“Then what is your damned issue? You’re gonna have to make up your mind, Dirk, because I’m not playing games. I’m not gonna wait around until you decide you’re ready, because I’m ten years past ready.”
“I’ve already told you. I can’t do a relationship.”
“And I can’t do meaningless sex. If you want me you get the whole package. Nothing less. We’ve both messed up our lives, but it’s not too late, don’t you see that?”
“I don’t see it that way. This whole thing was a big mistake, one that can’t happen again. Continuing would be nothing but senseless torture—for both of us.” It was pointless. The last thing he wanted was for her to walk out on him, but what she was asking…demanding…was just too friggin’ hard. She deserved far more than animal copulation, but that’s all he had to offer. Anything more was impossible.
“Last chance, Dirk. If I walk outta here, I’m not coming back.” She looked to the door.
“You have to know I don’t want that,” he answered softly. For four years, he’d wrestled with bitterness and self-pity, isolating himself even from his immediate family. Now Janice had entered his life and offered him his heart’s desire—the chance to reclaim some of the normalcy he’d lost. But the thought that he’d only fuck it up all over again scared the shit out of him.
“Do I? Frankly, I have no clue what you want,” she answered. “Maybe you can tell me?”
“What I want?” He scrubbed a hand down his face. “Right now it might as well be the fucking moon.”
* * *
Janice left the bunkhouse palming her burning eyes and feeling completely drained. She’d been riding an emotional roller coaster almost from the moment she’d laid eyes on Dirk, and she had a sinking feeling the ride was far from over. Was he worth it?
He’d certainly shaken her faith, but deep down she still believed he was. She’d pushed him really hard, but he needed for someone to do exactly that. His walls were so thick, it would take nothing short of a battering ram to knock them down. One step at a time, she reminded herself.
Lost in her thoughts, she was beside her truck with keys in hand before she remembered her promise to Dirk’s father to drop by before leaving. Although emotionally and physically spent, she’d never be able to look Justin or Donna Knowlton in the face if she reneged.
“Janice Combes!” Donna Knowlton wore a look of pleased surprise when she answered Janice’s knock. “You sure don’t look anything like the gangly little redheaded tomboy anymore. I don’t think I would even have recognized you if Justin hadn’t told me you were coming by.” She stepped back to invite Janice inside. “Come on in, sugar.”
Janice wiped her boots and stepped inside. Her gaze surveyed the huge living room with its massive stone fireplace and floor-to-ceiling windows offering a breathtaking view of the Tobacco Root Mountains. She’d always loved the Knowlton place. It was exactly the kind of rustic but elegant home she’d always fantasized about.
“Would you like some coffee?” Donna asked.
“No thank you, ma’am. I really can’t stay long. I was hoping to be back by the time Cody gets home from school.”
“Cody’s your son?”
“Yes, ma’am. He’s nine now and keeps me pretty busy.”
“Don’t I know it.” Donna laughed. “Dirk and Wade gave me most of these gray hairs before I even turned thirty!”
“You wear it well, Mrs. Knowlton.” Janice always thought Donna Knowlton’s silver hair was particularly attractive and set off her vivid blue eyes.
“Thank you, sugar,” Donna replied with just a hint of Texas twang. “But please call me Donna. ‘Mrs. Knowlton’ makes me feel so old. Come and sit a short spell. It’s not often I get a chance for any girl talk.”
Janice perched uneasily on the edge of an overstuffed leather couch.
“How’s your mama?” Donna asked. “I haven’t seen her in a good while.”
“I’m afraid she’s developed a few health issues the last couple of years. She’s not able to get out much. That’s part of the reason I came home. She helps look after Cody, and I help look after her.”
“And who looks after you?” Donna asked softly.
Janice looked away, discomposed by the question. “Well, I guess I do, ma’am.”
“You’re a young and attractive woman, Janice. You should have someone to take care of you. Justin told me you came looking for work. I was surprised by Dirk’s offer, but I couldn’t be happier. If any man ever needed a good woman…”
The heat of a flush invaded Janice’s face. “I’m sorry, Mrs. Knowlton, but it’s really not like that. I’m just here for a job—”
“Sugar, I sure hope not,” Donna protested. “Dirk’s too much like his daddy. Neither wears his heart on his sleeve, but I know my son well enough to see he has feelings for you.”
“What makes you say that?” Janice asked.
“For starters, he’s spent more time here at the house in the past week than he has in the past three years. It began the day after you were out here.”
A moment later her gaze flickered past Janice’s shoulder. “Well, speak of the devil and he always appears.” Donna beamed a bright smile when Justin Knowlton entered. Dirk followed.
Justin tipped his hat to Janice. “Good to see you came by, young lady.”
“Mama.” Dirk doffed his own hat to kiss his mother’s cheek. He then nodded to Janice. “I’m glad I caught you before you left.”
Donna gave her a knowing look.
“Your mother and I have just been catchin’ up a bit,” Janice blurted, uneasy at Dirk’s entrance. “I’ve enjoyed the chat, Mrs.…I mean Donna…but I’ve really got to go now.” She took to her feet.
“So soon?” Donna cried in dismay. “Please tell me you’ll come back for Sunday dinner. I’ll be making brisket. Bring your mama and your son with you.”
Janice looked to Dirk with uncertainty. The last thing she wanted to do was impose on his family when he’d made it clear he needed some time.
“Come out at noon.” Dirk spoke up before she could decline. “That’ll give Cody and Red Man a couple hours to get acquainted.”
“Are you sure about that?” she asked. “You don’t have to do this, you know.”
“I know that,” he said. “I want to.”
“All right then.” Janice smiled and addressed his parents. “I’ll look forward to seeing you both again on Sunday.”
“C’mon, Red, I’ll walk you out.” Dirk pressed a hand to the small of her back. “There’s a couple things I shoulda told you earlier.” His tone was bland and matter-of-fact, but his expression was anything but. He didn’t speak again until they stood beside her truck. A minute of strained silence ticked by.
Janice reached for the door.
“Wait,” he said, his hand coming over hers. “There’s something more I gotta say. I was afraid I might not get another chance.”
She turned to face him, leaning back against the door, arms crossed over her chest. “Whatever it is had better be damned good.”
“What you asked me in the bunkhouse…I want my old life back. But I know I can’t have it. I know there’s no going back.”
“No,” she whispered. “There’s no going back. Too many things have changed. We’ve changed.”
He rubbed the back of his neck and exhaled. “I don’t know how to go about this. I don’t know what you want from me, or how to give it to you. I’m fucking clueless, Red, don’t you see? You have no idea what you’d be getting into.” He was trying to warn her off again but at the same time a flicker of hope seemed to light in his eyes.
“Maybe I know better than you think,” she challenged. She knew that if they got further involved, their entire relationship would have to be rebuilt on a completely different foundation from what they’d had before. But she was prepared for that.
“This has happened so damned fast. You gotta give me a little time to learn the game. I don’t even know the rules.”
“I don’t know all the rules either.”
He reached out for her hand and pulled her in close. “I don’t want you to go. Do you think we can maybe just try playing this thing by ear?” He looked so uncertain, so vulnerable.
She instantly relaxed against him. “Yeah,” she replied. “I think we could maybe try that.”
He brushed his lips brusquely over hers. “You deserve a lot better than me, Red. I can’t promise you I’ll be worth it, but I’ll damn sure try.”