Janice’s heart leaped into her throat at the sight of Dirk shadowing the doorway, but she refused to let him see how much she hurt. “How’d you get in here?” She opened a drawer and emptied the contents onto the bed beside the suitcase.
“Your mother let me in,” Dirk said. “What are you doing?” He had to navigate around the boxes and Bubble Wrap that littered the bedroom floor to get to her.
“What does it look like?” She glanced up at him. “I’m packing.” She slammed the drawer shut, barely missing her own fingers.
“We need to talk.”
“Now you want to talk? What about two days ago?” She snatched up a pillow and hit him with it. It wasn’t nearly enough, so she followed with an attempted punch to his gut, but he grabbed her wrist before she could land it.
“Maybe I was a dickhead two days ago.”
“Yeah, you were.” She laughed bitterly. “But maybe that hasn’t changed. Now is not a convenient time, Dirk.”
“What I came for can’t wait any longer.” He stepped beside her and shut the suitcase, forcing her to acknowledge his questions. “Is he really mine? Is Cody my son?”
Janice drew a deep breath against a sudden wave of nausea. In truth, the revelation had come as much of a shock to her as it had to him. “You’ve got to know I never would have dropped a bomb like that on you. Not in a million years.” She averted her gaze and reached for another box. He laid his hand over hers.
“Answer the question, Red.”
Her gaze flickered upward, from the hand that covered hers and then back to his face. His expression was grim, his gaze searching. Janice sank her teeth into her bottom lip. “I don’t know for certain, but I think maybe—”
“How can you not know?” Dirk cried.
“Because it was only that one time between you and me. And even then, we used protection. After that, I was only with Grady and we didn’t use anything, least not after he said he wanted to marry me.”
“You never questioned? Never wondered?”
“Did you?” she threw back at him. “You saw Cody when he was about five. Did it ever occur to you that he could be yours?”
“No. Why would I?”
She cocked her head. “So you think I have ESP or something?”
“Shit I don’t know. Aren’t women supposed to just sense these things?”
She shook her head on a sigh. “Maybe a tiny part of me always wondered if he could be yours, but I pushed it down, not wanting to think about it too hard. Life with Grady was complicated enough. It wasn’t until your mother said something that I even noticed the resemblance between you and Cody. I’d never seen it before, but then the photo hit me like a bolt from the blue. Other than my coloring, he does look just like you. But this doesn’t make any difference, Dirk.”
“The hell it doesn’t! You’re not going anywhere with my son.”
“He’s my son,” she replied in steely tones. “There’s no proof of anything beyond that.”
“Damn it all. That was not what I came here to say.” Dirk snatched off his hat and threw it down with a curse. “This is not how this was supposed to go down. Shit! I’m only here five minutes and I’ve already fucked the whole thing up.” He grasped her chin and tilted it upward until she was looking straight into his eyes. “Janice, please listen to me. You asked me a while back why I left you in Cheyenne. Why I joined the marines? I need to tell you the whole truth of it.”
She turned slowly, hands on hips. “I’m listening,” she replied, feeling wary but keeping her tone and expression neutral.
“I knew ten years ago that you were the one for me. But by the time I finally decided to tell you that it was done between Rachel and me, when I finally pulled my head out of my ass, it was too late. I’d waited too damned long.”
“What did you expect from me?” Janice cried. “You took my virginity and then barely spoke to me for weeks—”
“Took? Seems to me it was an even exchange, sweetheart.”
“Maybe that’s true, but how could I know you gave a damn about me by the way you acted?”
“I told you it was a big mistake. I never should have let you walk out of the Outlaw that night. I should have gone after you then. I should have made you listen. I should have protected you from Grady.”
She was hanging on every word she’d waited ten long years to hear. She could barely swallow, let alone speak. “If you cared at all,” she whispered, “why didn’t you speak up before?”
He grasped her by the shoulders in an almost painful grip. “You listening good?”
Janice nodded.
“Because I was having trouble dealing with it. Because I was a chickenshit. A coward. Plain and simple. I knew that if we got together, I’d never leave Montana—I’d never leave you—and that scared the hell out of me. I just didn’t feel ready. By the time I worked through it you were with Grady.” He raked a hand through his hair. “I’ve screwed up so many times in my life that I’ve long lost count. I don’t want this to be another one. I’m not gonna lie. I still don’t feel ready, but I guess I never will be until I just cowboy up and deal with it. I want us to work this out.”
“You think that’s what Cody and I want? For you to deal with us? No thank you!” She spun away, fighting the tightness in her chest and the tears burning behind her eyes.
“Goddamnit. You’re twisting my meaning. That’s not what I meant.”
“Then what do you mean? I’m trying real hard to understand—”
* * *
He was nearly boiling over with frustration. He’d come to apologize to her, to try and make things right, but he just seemed to mangle his words at every turn.
“Fuck it! This is what I meant.” He yanked her into his arms, closing his mouth over hers, kissing her, on and on, long and fierce, refusing to let her go, refusing even to let her breathe. Dirk poured himself into the kiss that he hoped would overcome his ineptitude, the kiss that he hoped spoke for his heart. He released her slowly, knowing he’d laid it all on the table. There was nothing more he could say or do.
She stared back at him in silence and slowly shook her head.
It was done. Another royal fuckup. The lump in Dirk’s throat choked out any other remark he might have made. He picked up his hat and turned to leave.
She cocked a brow. “Where are you going?”
Dirk shrugged. “I’ve got nothing more to say.”
Her gaze met his. She licked her kiss-swollen lips. “Wait a minute, cowboy. I’m not really sure I understood all that.” She slid her hands up his chest, linking her fingers around his neck. His pulse sped up with rising hope. She drew his head down to hers and kissed him until his head reeled. “Is this what you meant?”
“Yeah, Red.” He grinned when she drew back. “I think that’s about the gist of it.”
He sat on the bed and hauled her onto his lap, wrapping his arms around her, holding her tight. “So, are you saying you’ll give us some time to figure this out?”
“Said I would before, didn’t I?” she replied stubbornly. “I’m not one to change my mind when I want something.”
“You sure you still want me?” he asked.
“Yeah, I am. I’m kinda obstinate that way. You think we can make this work?”
He dipped his forehead to touch hers. “I dunno, Red, but I sure wanna try.”
“I need you too, Dirk, and Cody needs a good man in his life.”
“And you think that’s me?” He shook his head with a scoffing sound.
“Yeah. I know it is.”
“I don’t want to let either of you down.”
“You won’t,” Janice reassured. “What are we going to tell Cody?”
“I think there’s no reason to say anything right now. I want to get to know the boy. I want us to be a real family, Red, but I want to build a genuine relationship with him first. I don’t want to force myself on him. If he accepts me in his own time and on his own terms, there won’t be any cause for resentment later. Can you understand that?”
“Yes, I do. Are you saying you don’t want a DNA test?”
Dirk considered the question. “No. Maybe one day, if Cody wants it, but it doesn’t matter to me anymore.”
Janice’s eyes misted. “You really mean that?”
“Said it, didn’t I?”
Dirk shoved the suitcase to the floor, wanting nothing more than to lay her down on the bed and kiss her senseless. He pushed the remaining clothing aside, grimacing at the pile of white cotton granny panties and cross-your-heart bras. He held up a pair with a scowl.
“Please tell me these aren’t yours.”
“No.” Janice laughed. “They’re Mama’s. I’m packing her things for her. She’s decided to move up to her cousin’s place in Helena.”
“So you weren’t packing to go back to Vegas?”
“No,” she said. “Told you I’m stubborn. I was hoping if I stuck around long enough, you’d eventually see the light.”
“I’ve seen it all right, sweetheart. The whole damn sun is blazing in this room right now.”