It didn’t take long for Sod to find Jay Filibuster’s office. He asked a few hospital staff and was given a room number on the fifth floor. He arrived outside Dr Filibuster’s door and very slowly tried turning the door handle. The door wasn’t locked. He edged it open slightly and peered in. The room was empty. He quickly slid in and shut the door behind him.
It was a small, windowless space filled with machines, monitors, tubes and other bits of scientific equipment. Dr Filibuster had a small desk in the corner, on top of which sat a computer monitor and a spread of paperwork. In the middle of the room was a big reclining chair. The whole place was a cross between a dentist’s surgery and a mad scientist’s lab.
There were voices coming from the corridor. One of them was Walter Bones. Sod spun around on his heels, looking for somewhere to hide. The only space he could see was under Dr Filibuster’s desk, so he dived under. It was dark and cramped, with a computer drive down there too, but as long as no-one sat down at the desk, he would be safe.
There was a small, round hole in the back of the desk that computer cables ran through. Sod put his eye up to the hole. He could see the whole room. The office door opened and Walter Bones limped in, followed by a man in a white coat. This had to be Dr Jay Filibuster.
‘Please take a seat and remove your T-shirt,’ said the doctor.
Walter Bones sat down in the big chair. Sod noticed there was a metal tray with various instruments beside the chair and a large lamp shining down on it. Walter tried to take off his T-shirt but could barely bend his arms because he was so stiff.
What Sod couldn’t work out was why anyone would choose to become a zombividual. It would be horrific to have your own body decompose around you.
‘The rigor mortis has got you good,’ said Dr Filibuster, cutting through the front of Walter Bones’s T-shirt with a pair of scissors.
‘And I can’t feel anything anymore,’ added Walter. Then he started patting the armrest like it was a dog. ‘I can’t feel this chair even though I’m touching it right now.’
Dr Filibuster sneered down at his patient. ‘You did sign up for this, didn’t you?’
‘I suppose so,’ Walter grumbled.
Dr Filibuster picked up a scalpel from the metal tray and sliced into Walter’s neck. Sod winced. A small amount of blood spurted out, but Dr Filibuster quickly stopped that by inserting a clear, plastic tube into the hole he’d made. Blood flowed through the tube, which wound its way down from the chair, across the floor and up into a sink. Dr Filibuster was draining the blood from Walter’s body.
‘Your veins and arteries need to be completely empty for this to work,’ said Dr Filibuster. ‘You’ve probably been having nosebleeds anyway.’
Walter grimaced and nodded.
‘That’s typical for zombividuals,’ said Dr Filibuster. ‘It’s your body reacting to being dead but still in motion. It doesn’t know what to do with all the non-circulating blood so it tries to get rid of it. Your blood is no use to you anymore, so it’s best if we drain it away.’
That explained the epic nosebleed Walter had had on his back porch. But Sod couldn’t work out what this whole operation was all about. Why drain Walter’s blood if it was coming out of his nose anyway?
When the last of the blood was gone, Dr Filibuster removed the tube and stitched up the hole in Walter Bones’s neck. Then he held up a metallic object the size of a tennis ball.
‘What’s that?’ asked Walter.
‘Your new artificial heart.’
‘Your boss didn’t say anything about that when I agreed to this.’
Boss? Sod wondered if that was his dad.
Dr Filibuster tut-tutted. ‘You need this artificial heart to keep the new stuff flowing through your body.’
The new stuff? thought Sod. What is that?
‘But I already have a heart,’ Walter said anxiously.
‘Your heart is dead to you now,’ Dr Filibuster smiled unkindly. ‘Time for a fancy new one.’
A look of horror came across Walter’s face. As if sensing his patient was about to flee, Dr Filibuster swiftly produced some rope and tied Walter’s hands and feet to the chair, explaining this was for Walter’s own good. Then he picked up the scalpel and cut deep into Walter’s chest. Sod waited for Walter to scream and curse and try to escape his ropes. But he didn’t. He couldn’t feel his own heart surgery.
Dr Filibuster fiddled around in Walter’s chest for a few minutes before saying ‘Aha’ and lifting out the heart. It was a hunk of raw meat dripping with blood. Sod willed himself not to barf. Thankfully, Dr Filibuster quickly disposed of the old heart and replaced it with the new one. Then he spent some time hunched over Walter’s chest, probably fusing and connecting everything up.
When that was done Dr Filibuster picked up a needle, stuck it into his patient’s forearm and taped it down. The needle was attached to a thin, plastic tube, which was connected to a bag of green liquid hanging from a metal pole. He flicked a switch and the green liquid surged through the tube and into Walter’s arm.
‘What are you pumping into me?’ Walter pointed to the bag of green liquid.
‘Have you heard of embalming fluid?’
‘It’s a preservative for dead bodies, isn’t it?’
‘Yes. And this is similar,’ said Dr Filibuster. ‘It’s a special liquefied compound called Eternaserum.’
‘Eternaserum?’
‘When you died, the cells of your body died too. We can’t reverse that. But Eternaserum will preserve you, keep your brain and your central nervous system running. Your artificial heart will pump it around your body. You should be able to feel again soon. And it cures rigor mortis too. You’re a zombividual, but Eternaserum will stop you from rotting away by the end of the week.’
So that’s what this is all for, thought Sod. They’re putting a liquid into Walter’s body to stop him from decomposing after draining away all the blood.
It was amazing and horrifying all at once.
Walter lifted his free arm up, then put it down. ‘I can already move more easily,’ he said, with a sudden grin. He patted the armrest again. ‘And I can feel this chair now. This Eternaserum stuff works great. What’s in it?’
Dr Filibuster laughed. ‘All I know is that it’s called Eternaserum because it makes human bodies last for an eternity.’
So Walter Bones will be a zombividual forever, Sod realised. He’s dead, but his body will never die.
When the bag of Eternaserum was empty Walter smiled up at Dr Filibuster. ‘Can you stitch me up and let me go now?’
‘Sure thing. Just as soon as I remove the rest of your major organs. You’ll have no need for them anymore.’
Walter Bones looked at his own body like it was a ticking bomb. ‘But I like having my organs inside me.’
‘Trust me,’ said Dr Filibuster. ‘You don’t want them rotting away inside you.’ Then he picked up the scalpel again and began cutting Walter open even wider.
This time Walter screamed in pain. His sense of feeling had definitely returned. He heaved and struggled against his ropes, but they didn’t budge. Dr Filibuster grabbed a role of gaffer tape and taped Walter’s mouth shut. Then he started lifting more red and lumpy objects out of the hole in Walter’s chest.
Sod couldn’t block out the sound of Walter Bones’s muffled screams or the sound of bodily organs being dropped into a bucket. The operation was going to take a while yet and there was nothing he could do about it. He buried his head in his knees and tried to imagine he was listening to Acidic Vomit Spray instead of the bloody procedure taking place just a few metres away.