The Language of London

Big Ears and Noddy – Body. Should a lady be passing through the East End, she may hear a cheeky chappy nudge his mate and comment, ‘Have you seen the big ears on that?’ This is not an observation on her Toby jugs (that’s lugs, as in ears) but a compliment of sorts. Whether she is needle and pin (thin) or a bit porky pig (big), chances are her form will catch the eye of someone or other.

The human body has inspired a wealth of rhyming slang, from the cute to the utterly obscene, travelling south from the loaf of bread (head) all the way down to the plates of meat (feet).

* Apple pips – lips. Sometimes battleships is used, particularly where the said lips are a medium for harsh words.

* Barnet Fair – hair. Barnet Fair, which continues to be held annually in a corner of north London, started during the reign of Elizabeth I as a livestock fair. An alternative is Alf Garnett, a bigoted, West Ham-supporting east Londoner who appeared in the landmark sitcoms In Sickness and in Health and Till Death Us do Part. Played by Warren Mitchell, he was distinctly lacking in the hair department.

* Boat Race – face. The Boat Race has been contested annually by the rowing crews of the Universities of Oxford and Cambridge along the River Thames since 1856 (with the exception of the world wars). An alternative rhyme is Chevy Chase, recalling The Ballad of Chevy Chase, written no later than 1540, which tells the story of an unauthorized hunt led by the Earl of Northumberland that leads to a bloody skirmish between the English and the Scots. Other options include glass case, drawing a link between the human face and that of a watch or clock protected by a glass case. Jem Mace is an older variant, paying homage to a bareknuckle boxing champion of the nineteenth century whose nickname was ‘Gypsy’. His own face presumably suffered considerable punishment over the course of his career.

* Cyril Lord – bald. A rhyme that relies on the Cockney pronunciation of ‘Lord’ as ‘Lawd’ and ‘bald’ as ‘bawld’. Lord, having grown up among the textile mills of Lancashire, was in the middle decades of the twentieth century a famed owner of a carpet company (a ‘rug’ is often used as a slang term for a ‘wig’).

* General Booth – tooth. A reference to William Booth, the Methodist preacher who founded the Salvation Army and served as its general from 1878 until his death in 1912.

* Gunga Din – chin. Gunga Din was the eponymous heroic water-carrier in Rudyard Kipling’s 1892 poem. With its famous last line (‘ Tho’ I’ve belted you and flayed you, / By the livin’ Gawd that made you, / You’re a better man than I am, Gunga Din!’), there may be some connotation of the phrase ‘Keeping your chin up’.

* Hampstead Heath – teeth. The Heath is one of the best-loved green areas in London, situated in the north of the city and providing some of its finest vantage points.

* Just as I feared – beard. A literary allusion to Edward Lear’s poem, ‘There was an Old Man with a Beard’. It features the stanza: ‘There was an Old Man with a beard, / Who said, ‘It is just as I feared! / Two Owls and a Hen, / Four Larks and a Wren, / Have all built their nests in my beard!’ The slang is usually contracted to just as.

* Mince pies – eyes. First in circulation in the 1850s and one of the most enduring of all slang phrases.

* Ocean wave – shave. An alternative is Chas and Dave, a slightly ironic rhyme as neither Chas nor Dave ever sported much of a clean-shaven look.

* Peashooter – hooter (as in ‘nose’). Conjuring up images of small boys propelling items from their nostrils.

Chas and Dave

Chas and Dave have been purveying their unique brand of Music Hall-tinged boogie woogie since 1975, creating a whole new genre of their own known as ‘rockney’. Because of these Cockney associations and their liberal use of slang, they are often described as East Londoners, but in fact, Chas Hodges and Dave Victor were both born in North London.

One of their greatest hits was ‘Gertcha’, an older slang expression of uncertain meaning which serves as an exclamation of shock and surprise, along the lines of ‘Get away!’. Chas and Dave spend the song discussing its deeper nuances: ‘Well there’s a word that I don’t understand. / I hear it everyday from my old man. / It may be Cockney rhyming slang, / It ain’t in no school book/ He says it every time that he gets mad, / A regular caution is my old dad.’

Some websites also claim that the band recorded a song called, suitably enough, The Cockney Rhyming Slang Song, although this author was sadly unable to trace a copy of it.

* Ruby rose – nose. Particularly suited for those in possession of a nose showing signs of a cold or, perhaps, of an over-fondness for the demon drink.

* Salmon and trout – pout. A rhyme of rare appropriateness, especially given the growing popularity of the phrase ‘trout pout’ to describe a certain look achieved by non-invasive plastic surgery.

* Syrup of figs – wig. An imperfect rhyme based on a substance commonly employed as a cure for constipation.

* Toby jug – lug (as in ear). Toby jugs were born out of the potteries of Staffordshire in the mid-eighteenth century, depicting seated figures with caricatured features.

* Watch and chain – brain. Creating a connection between the whirring cogs of a watch and the metaphorical cogs of the mind.

* Bristol Cities – titties. The classic slang for the female bosom, usually contracted to Bristols. It refers to one of the two football teams based in Bristol (Rovers being the other), thus linking two great traditional male loves – breasts and soccer. Quite why Bristol City, rather than say the more famous Manchester City, should have become the established rhyme is unclear.

* Cabman’s rests – breasts. Cabmen’s rests were specially constructed shelters for slumbering cab operatives in the days of horse-drawn carriages open to the elements. Here there is perhaps a connection between the idea of rest and the image of the female bosom as a pillow.

* Chalk Farm – arm. Referring to a lively London district just north of Camden.

* Darby Kelly – belly. Often abbreviated to Darby Kel. What or who Darby was is not clear.

* East and West – chest. A non-gender-specific term for this area of the body. Indeed, the sense of broadness inherent in ‘East and West’ suggests the male physique. Mae West is a rhyme suited exclusively to the female physique, recalling one of Hollywood’s earliest and greatest sex symbols. Her name pluralized predictably doubles for breasts and is also shorthand for a life-saving inflatable jacket.

* German Band – hand. German bands were groups of itinerant musicians who entertained the locals in London and many other British cities during the nineteenth century and into the early years of the twentieth. As an alternative, use Margate Sands, an imperfect rhyme recalling one of the favourite coastal retreats for Londoners during the heyday of the English seaside.

* Haystack – back. Used both for a human’s back and for the back of anything in general. Also used is Penny black, introduced in 1840 as the world’s first prepaid postage stamp, championed by Sir Rowland Hill who oversaw a comprehensive overhaul of the postage system.

* Jamaica rum – thumb. The drink was a staple for those whose livelihoods took them away to sea for long periods of time, whether with the Navy or on the commercial vessels seen in the London docks.

* Limehouse Cut – gut. The Limehouse Cut is a stretch of canal in east London, built in the seventeenth century and thus the oldest canal in the city.

* Long and linger – finger. The rhyme conjures up images of a lover’s touch or perhaps even the delicate hand of a pickpocket lifting a wallet.

* Rock and boulder – shoulder. Creating an image of strength and solidity.

* Strawberry tart – heart. A rhyme in which the chosen fruit prompts obvious comparisons in colour and shape with the internal organ.

* Thrupenny bits – tits. A thrupenny bit was a coin worth three pennies in pre-decimal Britain. Its use here might involve a juvenile comparison between the coins and nipples. As an alternative, there is Brad Pitts. A straightforward rhyme utilizing one of the leading Hollywood stars of his generation, and a man long associated with beautiful women.

* Worms and snails – fingernails. A rhyme sure to put you off biting yours.

The following vocabulary refers to the ‘south of the waistband’ regions and is not for the faint-hearted.

* Bottle and glass – arse. The original rhyme that birthed another piece of slang – Aristotle (to rhyme with ‘bottle’). This was then shortened to arris, which is now in widespread use by many who are no longer aware of its rhyming origins. The equally well-known alternative is Khyber Pass, after a mountain pass in the Hindu Kush range connecting Afghanistan and Pakistan, which played a pivotal role in British imperial history. Its slang usage might also be a wry nod to the potential effects of the region’s traditional spicy food. A more modern variant is Myleene Klass, after the reality TV pop star, classical superstar and popular television host. No doubt her place in slang culture was boosted by her appearance on I’m a Celebrity . . . Get Me Out of Here!, during which she famously showered in a teeny-tiny bikini.

* Clothes pegs – legs. Alternatives are hams and eggs, scotch eggs and scotch pegs.

* Eyes front – cunt. A rhyme derived from the military. Also growl and grunt, seemingly incorporating an allusion to the sounds of sexual intercourse. In recent years the rhyme has been adapted to growler.

* Fox and badger – tadger. Tadger is a term for the penis which has been used in the north of England for several centuries.

* Gary Glitter – shitter. A particularly graphic slang term coined in an age before the Glam Rock star was convicted of a series of paedophile offences.

* Glue pot – twat (pronounced here as ‘twot’). Sometimes replaced by mustard pot, which probably stems from the Victorian slang mustard and cress for pubic hair.

* Grandfather clock – cock. A classic phallic symbol presumably used by gents with a particularly high opinion of themselves. Also used is Blackpool rock, referencing one of George Formby’s most popular songs and its innuendo-laden lyrics: ‘With my little stick of Blackpool Rock, along the promenade I stroll, / In my pocket it got stuck I could tell / ’Cos when I pulled it out I pulled my shirt off as well.’

* Hampton Wick – prick (or alternatively, dick). Hampton Wick is a genteel neighbourhood in south-west London. Its use as slang for the male member is perhaps a sly attack on its image of middle-class correctness. It has also spurred the sub-rhyme Lionel Hampton, after the great American jazz musician. Thus slang speakers may refer to a Hampton or a Lionel.

* Jacob’s Cream Crackers – knackers (as in ‘testicles’). In which that staple of the tea table, the dry biscuit to accompany cheese, is hijacked.

* Leslie Ash – gash. Ash was the focus of much male attention when she played the desirable next-door-neighbour in the 1990s sitcom Men Behaving Badly, that era’s classic acclamation of juvenile masculinity. The word gash used in the context of the female genitals can be traced back to the eighteenth century.

* London taxi – jacksie. Jacksie has been in popular use as a term for the buttocks since the nineteenth century.

* Mars and Venus – penis. A rhyme that utilizes the Roman gods representative of the difference between the sexes.

* Orchestra stalls – balls (as in ‘testicles’). Thematically, it is but a small jump to Henry Halls, a nod to Henry Hall, the south London-born leader of the BBC Dance Orchestra from the 1930s who became a household name. Max Walls is also used. Max Wall was born in Brixton in 1908 and developed from a music hall favourite into one of the greats of British comedy, as well as winning accolades for straight acting roles in older age.

* Plates of meat – feet. One of the best known of all rhyming slang phrases. A less common, and even less appealing, alternative is dog’s meat.

* Sandra Bullocks – bollocks. A lasting and not entirely inventive monument to the queen of the modern Hollywood comedy.

* Seb Coes – toes. Paying homage to Sebastian Coe, one of Britain’s greatest ever middle-distance runners known for his devastating acceleration towards the end of races. The rhyme is used particularly in the sense of ‘having it away on your sebs’ (i.e. to make a quick escape).

* Sigourney Weaver – beaver. Taking advantage of the film star’s name to make a rhyme with the American slang term for the female genitalia.

* Uncle Bob – knob. A rhyme masterful in its simplicity and relative innocence.

They were an odd couple, Cindy and Fred. She was 22, he was 85. She had a lovely blonde barnet. He was cyril. She had beautiful minces and a little, turned-up ruby. He had sticky-out tobys and a massive pea-shooter. She had plump apples and he had false hampsteads. She had cabman’s rests out to there and scotch pegs up to here. He had a limehouse out to there and scotch pegs that only just touched the ground. But they were happy. Till his strawberry gave out.

They were an odd couple, Cindy and Fred. She was 22, he was 85. She had lovely blonde hair. He was bald. She had beautiful eyes and a little, turned-up nose. He had sticky-out ears and a massive hooter. She had plump lips and he had false teeth. She had breasts out to there and legs up to here. He had a gut out to there and legs that only just touched the ground. But they were happy. Till his heart gave out.