“Lessons?” Lou asked.
“Yes,” Yusuf answered. “The pyramid illuminates three main lessons—axioms that guide its application in all situations. We’ve already mentioned the first.”
At this, he wrote the following.
LESSON 1
Most time and effort should be spent at the lower levels of the pyramid.
“Remember: we want to spend most of our time in the levels of the pyramid below correction, which is exactly the opposite of what we normally do. We want to spend most of our time actively helping things go right rather than dealing with things that are going wrong. We want to get out of the box, build relationships, listen and learn, teach and communicate. Where circumstances are such that we choose to engage in correction of some kind—whether by putting a little child on time-out or by sending war planes into the skies above a country that has attacked us—the lower levels of the pyramid become even more important. Correction is by nature provocational. So where we choose to correct, we need to increase our efforts at the lower levels of the pyramid all the more. If we believe military force is necessary, for example, then we would be wise to increase our communicating, learning, and relationship-building efforts even more.
“When we actively live these lower levels of the pyramid, we normally discover that we need to spend less time on correction than we have in the past. We also discover that when we need to impose correction, it is more likely to have an impact than it did in the past because our correction will grow out of an ongoing effort and context. It will no longer seem capricious or arbitrary but will feel connected to our deeper efforts to help things go right. Whether at home, at work, or among nations in the world, lesson number one of the Influence Pyramid is that most time and effort should be spent at the lower levels of the pyramid.
“Now for lesson two,” he continued.
LESSON 2
The solution to a problem at one level of the pyramid is always below that level of the pyramid.
“This lesson also runs counter to our normal reflex. When our correction isn’t working, we normally bear down harder and correct more. And when our teaching is going poorly, we often try to rescue it by talking more and insisting more. That is, we drone on in an attempt to correct the problems we have created by droning on!”
Lou thought of all his “teaching” sessions with Cory.
“If I am correcting and correcting but problems remain,” Yusuf continued, “that is a clue that the solution to the problem I am facing will not be found in further correction. Likewise with teaching. And if I listen and learn, even going so far as to revise my opinions, but problems persist, perhaps what I need to do is go out and engage with others personally. Maybe I need to increase my efforts to build relationships both with those I am dealing with and with others who deal with them.
“Mei Li shared with us one of the key ways we build relationships here at Camp Moriah: in all that we do with others, we try to ‘take off our shoes’ with them. We join them in the limitations they face and hold ourselves to the same requirements. For example, the lunchtime assignment we gave you yesterday—to see everyone during that time as a person—was an assignment Avi and I took upon ourselves as well. And we pondered the conflicts and boxes in our own lives last night, just as we asked you to do. And just as you have had impressions during our time together of things you need to do for someone, we too have had the same impressions and will leave today with the same commitment that you will have: to do what we’re feeling we should do to help things go right.
“If I find I have trouble building relationships despite my efforts to do so, this second lesson suggests that a solution, if there is to be one, will not be found simply by spending more time with others. I might have a problem at the lowest level of the pyramid—in my way of being.
“Which brings us,” Yusuf said, “to the pyramid’s lowest level, and to its third lesson.”
LESSON 3
Ultimately, my effectiveness at each level of the pyramid depends on the deepest level of the pyramid— my way of being.
“I can put all the effort I want into trying to build my relationships,” Yusuf said, “but if I’m in the box while I’m doing it, it won’t help much. If I’m in the box while I’m trying to learn, I’ll only end up hearing what I want to hear. And if I’m in the box while I’m trying to teach, I’ll invite resistance in all who listen.”
Yusuf looked around at the group. “My effectiveness in everything above the lowest level of the pyramid depends on the lowest level. My question for you is why?”
Everyone looked at the pyramid.
“You might try looking at the Way-of-Being Diagram from yesterday,” Yusuf said.
“I get it,” Lou said after a moment.
“What?” Yusuf asked. “What are you seeing?”
“Well, the Way-of-Being Diagram tells us that almost any outward behavior can be done in either of two ways—with a heart that’s at war or a heart that’s at peace.”
“Yes,” Yusuf agreed. “And what does that have to do with the Influence Pyramid?”
“Everything above the lowest level of the pyramid is a behavior,” Lou answered.
“Exactly,” Yusuf said. “So anything I do to build relationships, to learn, to teach, or to correct can be done either in the box or out. And as we learned yesterday from the Collusion Diagram, when I act from within the box, I invite resistance. Although there are two ways to invade Jerusalem, only one of those ways invites cooperation. The other sows the seeds of its own failure. So while the pyramid tells us where to look and what kinds of things to do in order to invite change in others, this last lesson reminds us that it cannot be faked. The pyramid keeps helping me to remember that I might be the problem and giving me hints of how I might begin to become part of a solution. A culture of change can never be created by behavioral strategy alone. Peace—whether at home, work, or between peoples—is invited only when an intelligent outward strategy is married to a peaceful inward one.
“This is why we have spent most of our time together working to improve ourselves at this deepest level. If we don’t get our hearts right, our strategies won’t much matter. Once we get our hearts right, however, outward strategies matter a lot. The virtue of the pyramid is that it reminds us of the essential foundation—change in ourselves—while also revealing a behavioral strategy for inviting change in others. It reminds us to get out of the box ourselves at the same time that it tells us how to invite others to get out as well.”
As Lou listened, he saw how the pyramid could help him at Zagrum. First of all, he needed Kate back. He hadn’t known where to begin, but now he knew that he needed to talk with her—teach her about what he had discovered about himself and tell her about the changes he was committed to making. And he knew as well that he had to ask her to help him see where he was still blind. He needed to learn from her, and he was finally willing to. As for the relationship, he wasn’t sure he could repair it, given how he’d acted. But he suddenly knew where he had to begin. He had removed a ladder she was using as a prop for her team because he thought it was a stupid idea. His taking the ladder was symbolic of much that was wrong about his style with people, just as Kate had said. As silly as it sounded, he knew he needed to take her a ladder. He resolved that he would take it to her home in Litchfield, Connecticut, as soon as he and Carol returned home.
Which brought him to Carol. He knew that he tended toward better-than and I-deserve boxes and that others often faded away into the scenery as a result. He was afraid of that happening again, especially toward Carol. It occurred to him that the pyramid could help with this. If he could keep reminding himself to work the lower levels of the pyramid, he would remember to stay in the middle level of learning from Carol—to wonder about her day, for example, and her feelings. It would also help him to remember to keep working to build their relationship— to spend time together doing what she enjoys, for example. And at the bottom level of the pyramid, he knew it would help if he could find ways to keep remembering how Carol was the one who had held their family together, often despite him. If he could keep remembering that, it would be much harder to start thinking that he was somehow superior or more important.
Lou looked at the pyramid again. He finally had some hope. But he was still worried. “I’m worried that I’m going to blow it,” he confided aloud.
“Of course you will!” Yusuf laughed. “Of course you’re going to blow it. We all will. You’re a person, after all, not an automaton. If the possibility of failure paralyzes you, you might wonder what box is demanding that you be perfect.”
“You’re saying I have a need to be perfect?”
“It might be worth considering. Need-to-be-seen-as boxes can wield paralyzing impact.”
Lou chuckled.
“What’s so funny?” Yusuf asked.
“I keep telling myself I don’t really have any need-to-be-seen-as issues, but they keep popping up.”
“Most of us justify ourselves in all of the basic ways to one degree or another,” Yusuf said. “At least I know I do.”
At that, Yusuf looked around at everyone—at Lou, Carol, Elizabeth, Gwyn, Pettis, Miguel, Ria, Teri, and Carl. “Regretfully, at least for me,” he added with a smile, “our time together is about finished. I appreciate the time and effort you have devoted to this. You have been pondering your lives in bold ways. I hope you will be both troubled and inspired as a result: troubled because you know that the box is always just a choice away but hopeful for the very same reason because freedom from the box is also just a choice away—a choice that is available to us in every moment.
“May I mention one more thing to you before we go our separate ways today?” he asked.
“Please,” everyone answered.
“I want to share with you why we chose to name our program Camp Moriah.”