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IT WAS AMAZING JUST how far and wide that little bit of manure actually went. It must have been all the water they had added to it, or perhaps it was the way the sack turned itself inside out in mid-air, or maybe it was just some kind of back-to-front luck that, as well as sending the sack right into the faces of the three advancing men, it also managed to coat every single person further down range with a thin, even smear of atomized poop.
At the sound of the cannon's boom everyone had turned, startled, and gazed upwards in puzzled expectation at the strange brown cloud that had suddenly appeared in the sky. Surely this is not in the script? they thought.
Moments later it was on the script. It was also on the set, on the cameras, on the director, on the extras, and on everything else as well.
The collective scream was heard for miles.
Nervously Randy and Piho came out from behind the cannon to survey the results. This is what they saw:
1. Three men on the ground wrapped in the ragged remains of a filthy sack (one of them still brandishing a baseball bat),
2. A distinctly dung-coloured fairground, and
3. Two hundred well-manured people looking back at them.
"This is not good," said Randy.
"It's a bummer," said Piho.
"What are we going to say?" squeaked Randy.
"Ahhh . . . just say 'we didn't do it!'" suggested Piho.
"Right, yeah, good thinking." But Randy had little faith in the suggestion.
By then several dozen people were running towards them. The local policeman was fairly quick off the mark, noticing the baseball bat and zeroing in on the three thugs before they had managed to peel themselves free of the sticky sack and get to their feet. The rest of the lynching mob bore down rapidly on the Fun Cannon, led by none other than Dexter the Director. Close behind came the cannon-dude, Mrs Young the school principal, Barry Boyd, Randy's and Piho's parents, and many, many others that the boys didn't fancy trying to explain anything to right at that moment. And they were all extremely browned-off.
"I might have known!" roared Dexter when he saw who was standing on the trailer. "I might have bloody known!"
"It wasn't us, it was them!" babbled Randy, pointing at the three thugs. "They were gonna kill us!"
"It's true, it's true!" added Piho, "See - they've got clubs! They were gonna kill us!"
Dexter was momentarily silenced. He looked back at the three men, just in time to see one of them fling the sack at the policeman and go bolting off between the parked trucks towards the camping ground. The other two took off too, leaving all their weapons behind.
Randy seized the moment to shout, "They were the ones that robbed us, and they stole our honesty box too! They've still got it in their van!"
"Oi!" said the cop at the same moment and took off after them. Several others joined in the pursuit.
Dexter began shouting, "Now hang on! Hang on!" but no one was listening to him.
Randy's mother had worked her way to the front of the crowd. "That's right!" she called out, "Wednesday night it was. Randy came home very distressed."
"Wednesday night?" called a voice from further back. "Yeah, I lost one of those too!"
"Me too!" called another voice.
This set off a great deal of loud talk in the crowd, and while they speculated about the cause of at least half a dozen other minor crimes in the district the cannon-dude came forward and called out, "But what I want to know is: who put manure in my cannon?"
Randy grinned, shame-faced, and glanced down at his filthy T-shirt. Piho suddenly found something really interesting to look at near his feet. The crowd muttered darkly.
“Uh ... We didn't do it.”
#
DEXTER SACKED THEM on the spot, and thanks to Clause 13 in their contracts, (which neither of them had yet read) they were obliged to 'forfeit all or part of any fee, wage or salary in compensation for the damages incurred (by their) wilful actions or behaviour that might in any way disrupt, delay or otherwise render worthless any filmed segment, or cause damage and disorder to sets, costumes or any other related materials yadda yadda yadda...'
Dexter also wanted to send them home at once, but everyone else outvoted him and insisted that they stay and start the clean-up. They got finished about eight thirty that night and were taken home by their parents (not out of any kindness, but to protect them from the town's fury) along with about twenty bags of laundry each.
#
RANDY DIDN'T GO TO school on Monday. He had some laundry to do, and there were no classes anyway because the kids, the film crew and half the town were at the showgrounds reshooting the crowd scene. Then after lunch they were going to shoot the dressing room scene – without him. But he didn't care any more. He was just too depressed.
He didn't want to go to school on Tuesday either, or ever again, but his mother got really heavy and gave him a stiff lecture and he whimpered and set off on his bike. As soon as he was around the corner he changed direction and went down past the golf course and hid by the creek in the bush beside the tenth hole.
He sat on the bank and half-heartedly threw stones into the water, feeling too sad to be completely angry and too angry to be completely sad. He hoped a golf ball would hit him on the head so he didn't have to live any longer. Suddenly there was a rustling sound in the bush behind him. He jumped up and spun around. It was Piho.
"What're you doing here?" Randy growled.
Piho looked back at him, his face hard and miserable. It was like looking into a mirror. Piho sat down. "None of your business," he said flatly.
Randy sat down too, but not too close. "Geez," he said after awhile, "lot of laundry, eh!"
"Yeah, thanks to you."
"What do ya mean?"
"You cost me fourteen hundred bucks!"
'Aw, bull! You did! You put the stuff in the cannon!”
You fired it!"
"Yeah, but it was your idea!"
"Was not! I didn't say 'put the bag in there'! You didn't even listen to my idea!"
"Did too! And anyway you set it off, not me!"
"What? You hit the button!"
"You pushed me!"
"You were going to anyway!"
Piho scowled and gave up the argument. "So what was your idea?" he asked after a moment. Randy sighed and flicked a stone into the creek.
"Just to make a big bang, y’know: attract some attention. Sheesh! I didn't want to cover everyone with crap!"
"Me neither. I just wanted to hit those guys."
"Right, so it was an accident."
"Yeah, an accident."
Piho threw a stone.
Randy threw a stone.
"Fourteen hundred bucks," Randy whispered bitterly.
"Shut up about it," growled Piho, throwing a stone extra hard. "Geez, man, if you ever come up with another money-making scheme, I don't want to know about it – seriously!"
"Okay, okay!" snapped Randy. "Sheesh."
Piho threw a stone.
Randy threw a stone.
Piho threw a stone.
Randy threw a stone. Then, "Hey!" He'd just had a great idea. It was Tuesday. He and Tammy were starting at Bennithorpe's today! Surely she wouldn't mind if Piho joined them?
"Hey-what?" asked Piho suspiciously, his arm poised to throw his next stone.
"I just had this great idea! D'ya wanna earn some extra money?"
Piho dropped his stone and ran away screaming, “No, no no, no, NO...!”