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KATRINA STEPPED OUT of the tub, no more certain about what she was supposed to do now than she had been when she first started bathing. For all the times her husband stayed out late on all his errands for the church, she hoped this would be one of them. She wasn’t ready for him to come home. Not yet.
But being here by herself was nearly as bad. Once Greg got home, she’d have to decide if she was going to pretend that everything was just fine or if she was going to tell him about what happened. Talking about her afternoon would be painful and awkward and exhausting. But it was just as painful and awkward and exhausting to be abandoned to the mercy of her own memories and guilt. She was so ashamed, she didn’t even want to pray, didn’t want to face the reality of God’s disappointment in her. Her mom was right. Katrina just wasn’t the kind of person who could pull off the role of pastor’s wife. Never had that been made clearer than this afternoon.
Shameful memories burned her core. She had gone into the bath with a chill and came out sweaty and even more uncomfortable.
The house needed a little bit of work, but even though she carried herself from one cluttered room to another, she couldn’t force her limbs to pick anything up. Today more than any other, the clock was her enemy, counting down the seconds until her husband returned. What should she do? She and Greg had gone into the marriage assuming that there would never be secrets between them, but who plans to almost have an affair only six months after the wedding? It was unforgivable. That’s what it was. And if she wanted to keep up any semblance of peace with her husband, he could never know about this afternoon in Miles’ studio.
But on the other hand, she had done the right thing by walking away. By keeping the truth from her husband, wasn’t she admitting her own culpability? If she truly had nothing to hide, she would tell her husband everything and be done with it.
But was that the loving thing to do? Wouldn’t it make him even more upset? And with all the stress he’d been under from work, wouldn’t it be selfish of her to dump this on him on top of everything else he had to deal with?
She hated the thought of keeping a secret like this, but what choice did she have?
She’d been so distraught when she first came home she didn’t realize until after her bath that she’d left her violin case in the cold entryway. She hoped that Dmitry would be more forgiving toward her than she was toward herself right now. From the front window, she saw a light on at the church. Great.
She threw on her boots and rushed outside, pausing for a moment on the porch. All traffic in and around Orchard Grove passed by this way. What if Miles drove by? What if he saw her? It was stupid to think that in a town this small she could spend the rest of her life here simply avoiding him, pretending he didn’t exist, acting as if she’d never felt his body pressed against her, never sensed the warmth of his breath on her neck.
She ran to the church, nearly tripping on the icy walkway. She turned off the light in her husband’s office then hurried home and locked herself back inside the parsonage. This was stupid. She couldn’t hide forever in this little tiny house. Oh, well. She didn’t have the energy to think about that right now. Greg would be home any minute, and she wasn’t ready to face him. She took Dmitry into the bedroom and was about to tuck her case beneath the foot of her bed when something on the floor caught her eye. It was the little bear Greg had bought for her early Christmas present, a reminder of the baby they had lost. Last week her biggest burden was the grief she carried around after the miscarriage. What had happened? She picked up the teddy bear, and the zipper on its back caught her eye. She opened it up and pulled out the sonogram. His little jellybean. That’s what Greg had called their child. He’d taken the afternoon off work to go with her to her appointment, and he’d been so overcome with emotion that he got choked up at the sight of their little baby’s heart fluttering on the screen.
His little jellybean.
The memory of the sadness and grief following the miscarriage was still vivid, but it seemed minuscule compared to everything else that had happened since. Maybe Katrina should have told Nancy in the car. Never before had she been so conflicted, so desperate for someone older and wiser and more experienced to come in and tell her exactly what to do. She’d lived so much of her life letting others do her thinking and decision-making for her. First her mom, then her husband. It wasn’t Greg’s fault either, but she was so used to having someone else make up her mind for her that she hardly knew how to do it for herself. Her own hesitation could have destroyed her marriage in a single moment. Maybe it already had.
No, she wouldn’t think like that. It wasn’t as bad as all that, was it?
In the end, she had done the right thing, she had walked away at the right moment, and she had remained faithful to her husband. Whatever test this was that God had thrown at her, she had passed it, and now it was a closed chapter. She didn’t have to worry about what Greg would think because he didn’t have to know. It was for his own good. Telling him would just burden him with one more worry. She wouldn’t do that to him. Her mind was made up.
She carefully folded up the sonogram and was placing it back in the teddy bear’s pouch when her fingers grazed her husband’s letter that was tucked inside. If he wanted her to read it, wouldn’t he have said so?
Then again, he’d never told her not to. Besides, she could use any distraction she could find.
She took out her husband’s letter and unfolded the page.
Dear Jellybean,
Hi there. I’m your daddy. We never really got the chance to be properly introduced, but I saw you when you were about two months old. You were the size of a jellybean, and you were living safe and sound inside your mommy’s tummy. There’s something I should tell you about your mommy. You probably already know this, but in case you don’t, she’s the most wonderful woman in the world. She’s my best friend, and I feel so lucky that she agreed to be mine. Losing you was really hard on her, and I probably wasn’t there for her the way she needed me to be. To be totally honest, I was scared to death of becoming a father, scared of all the mistakes I was sure I would make. One thing that gave me strength was knowing that your mom and I were in this together. Even before we knew that God had planted you in her tummy, I was certain that she would make the most wonderful mother in the whole wide world. That’s the reason she’s been so sad lately, you know, because she loved you so much.
The good news is that I’m convinced that one day we’ll be together in heaven — you, me, mommy, and any of your brothers and sisters that God might one day add to our family. No matter how many other kids God gives us, I know I’m never going to forget you or stop wondering what life would be like if you had lived a little longer. Well, buddy, I guess that’s it. I’m going to say goodbye now, but I know it’s only going to be for a little bit of time.
Love, Daddy
Ignoring the tears that flowed down her cheeks, Katrina folded the paper back up, careful to leave it just as she had found it. She opened the door by her nightstand and pulled out some stationary.
She had a letter of her own to write.