1.
Mumbai. Dongri. A tough, predominantly Muslim neighbourhood.
Busy, busy, busy. Lots of street hawkers selling everything from cell phones to cutlery.
The focus of the action is Baba’s Chicken Centre. A large cage with live chickens in it, packed shoulder to shoulder. The top of the cage is at waist level for hasan. He is eighteen years old. He wears an apron covered in blood. Flies are buzzing around his face. The chickens in the cage are surprisingly calm considering that the slaughter is taking place just above their heads.
baba, in his sixties, the owner of the slaughterhouse, is standing next to Hasan, reading an Urdu newspaper.
It is a hot, stuffy summer afternoon in the last week of May, 2014.
HASAN
There’s too many of them. Too many of them.
But Baba’s not interested. The paper is keeping him engrossed.
We need to do something.
BABA
Hah? Too many of what?
BABA
Not interested, Okay.
HASAN
We need a fan here.
BABA
A fan? Why do you need a fan?
BABA
The flies are feeling hot?
HASAN
They keep sticking to my face.
BABA
So what? That’s part of the job.
HASAN
My job is to make a clean cut. That’s my job.
BABA
And my job is to tell you to shut up. You young people complain too much.
HASAN
To himself, Here we go again.
BABA
What did you say? Try not to be cheeky.
HASAN
I’m not being cheeky. These flies are. They sit on my cheek all day. As though they are kissing me.
BABA
Why is everything about kissing with you people? In our days, we did not speak like that. We just did our work, we ate, and we died. Beat. That shut you up, didn’t it?
HASAN
Baba, I need to talk to you.
BABA
Isn’t that what we are doing right now?
HASAN
I need you to pay attention.
BABA
Fine. What is it? The way you bully me, I wonder who the boss is.
HASAN
You are the boss, Baba. You are the boss, no doubt. The king. The Badshah of all chickens.
BABA
What do you want, lunatic?
HASAN
Why do you think I want something?
BABA
A second ago you were whining about flies and now you are calling me an emperor.
HASAN
A Badshah is not an emperor. He is a bit smaller. And I wasn’t whining. I have a complaint.
BABA
Same thing. Badshah and emperor are both kings. Whining and complaints are both the domain of girls. You are a girl, Hasan. Here you are, holding that monster knife in your hand, and you are scared of a few flies.
HASAN
It’s impossible to have a conversation with you.
BABA
That’s what my wife says too. “Talking to you is like talking to a tree. There is just no response.” “But at least a tree gives shade,” I tell her. “A tree gives fruit, doesn’t it?”
HASAN
So, what does she say?
BABA
“A tree can be cut down.”
Hasan smiles.
Oh, today must be a special day. The sourpuss of Bombay is smiling. The eternal whiner has seen the light!
BABA
Now, now, don’t sulk. What was it you wanted to ask? Hurry up, it’s lunch time.
HASAN
You see . . . the thing is . . . my friend Aftab works at this call centre . . . and each year they do his interview. They ask him questions like, “Are you happy here?” “What challenges do you face on the job?” “Is there anything we can do to make things better for you?”
HASAN
The owner of the call centre.
BABA
Why? Are they bored?
HASAN
No, it is called . . . it is called something. I forgot.
BABA
It’s called a hallucination. It happens in the desert.
HASAN
Appraisal! That’s what it’s called.
BABA
So what does this have to do with you? Or me?
HASAN
I want you to do my appraisal.
BABA
This is not a call centre.
HASAN
It’s a chicken centre. “Baba’s Chicken Centre.” Right?
BABA
Cocking his ear, Can you hear that?
BABA
What the chickens are saying. Even they are saying you are talking shit! They are saying you are so boring that they’d rather have their throats slit right now than listen to you.
HASAN
But you must do my appraisal. I deserve it. I am your best employee.
BABA
You are my only employee!
HASAN
Which makes me the best!
BABA
Fine. Fine. You’re giving me a headache. So, are you happy here?
BABA
The interview has started, moron. Are you happy here?
HASAN
Yes, I am grateful that you have looked after me and —
BABA
Grateful is not happy. Are you happy or not?
BABA
Is there something I can do to make you happier?
HASAN
Yes, Baba. I need a raise. Based on my performance, I feel —
BABA
What performance? You’re not a singer. You cut the throats of helpless animals. What performance is there?
HASAN
But I need a raise.
BABA
Will that make you happy?
HASAN
Yes. Yes, of course.
HASAN
Okay? You will give a raise?
BABA
Of course not. But at least I did your appraisal.
HASAN
But I need more money!
BABA
What for? You hardly have friends, so you don’t go out. You don’t have a woman. You get free food from me. What do you need more money for?
HASAN
I want to buy a bat.
BABA
Again you have started this bat business?
HASAN
In the last game, I hit the ball out of the ground. When I connect, the ball just goes into space!
BABA
That’s great, that’s great. Hopefully, that same ball will land on your head and knock some sense into you.
HASAN
When I was little, you told me to dream. You said I could do anything I wanted.
BABA
That did not include cricket.
HASAN
What’s wrong with cricket?
BABA
Look around you. Tell me what you see.
BABA
Just do as I ask. Describe what you see.
HASAN
I see . . . I see Yakub over there selling pens. His brother is selling refills. His brother-in-law is selling toys. I see that Pathan is collecting a loan from a shopkeeper. I see —
BABA
Are any of these people destined for greatness?
BABA
Do they look like they have been on the cover of a magazine? Are Yakub’s ball pens world famous?
HASAN
Disappointed, No. But bhai jaan’s in Canada. He’s playing cricket, isn’t he? To himself, At least he managed to get out of here.
BABA
So now you want to get out of here?
HASAN
I just want to see my brother. It’s been years.
BABA
Look, I miss him too. But he has his own journey. And you have yours.
HASAN
This is my journey? To be stuck here, with you?
BABA
Hasan, tell me something. What’s your name?
BABA
Your name. Your full name.
HASAN
You know my full name.
BABA
Just say it out loud for me.
HASAN
Hasan Abdullah Siddiqui.
BABA
Hasan Abdullah Siddiqui. Now, with a name like that, do you think they will allow you into the country? The minute they hear that name, even if you don’t have a beard, they’ll paint one on you. Nice and long, like Santa Claus. So, Mr. Hasan Abdullah Siddiqui, with your name, you stay here. With me, in Dongri. You are safe amongst your own. This is not the time to go frolicking about in Western lands. If you bothered to read the papers, you’d know.
BABA
Yes, yes, you want. You want a fan, you want a bat, you want to play cricket, you want to go meet bhai jaan. You want, you want, you want. You belong to a generation of wanters. You want, but you don’t know what you need.
BABA
Yes! You need a girl! To make you think straight! Normally, it’s the opposite. Normally, women make you lose your mind completely, but in your case that’s what you need. You see?
HASAN
You know what I see? I see an old man who does not want me to succeed.
BABA
And I see Haseena coming this way.
BABA
Yes, there she is, the girl of your dreams, coming to buy a chicken.
HASAN
Shit. Shit. Shit.
Hasan adjusts his apron.
How do I look?
BABA
Like someone who kills chickens for a living.
Hasan runs his fingers through his hair.
Perfect. Now you have blood on your forehead. Women love that.
BABA
Don’t worry, today I will help you out. It’s time to take this love story forward.
HASAN
Look, if you say a word, a single word, I’ll —
BABA
You’ll what? Bring it up at your next appraisal?
Baba cracks up at his own joke.
HASAN
Look, I’m sorry. I won’t ever . . . just don’t —
BABA
Relax, I was joking. She’s not coming.
Hasan heaves a sigh of relief.
HASAN
I’m not ready for her today.
BABA
Relax, relax.
But Baba is lying.
HASEENA enters.
HASEENA
Greetings, Baba. How are you?
Upon seeing her, Hasan turns his back and starts doing something completely irrelevant.
BABA
Greetings, my child. How are you?
HASEENA
Busy. I’m studying.
BABA
Studying? But aren’t your exams over?
HASEENA
Yes. My tenth-year finals. But I’m so nervous waiting for the results that I’ve already started studying for college.
BABA
Good, good. By any chance, are you studying mathematics?
HASEENA
Yes, I am. Why, Baba?
BABA
Oh, in case you need help with it.
HASEENA
I did not know you were good at mathematics.
BABA
Me? No, not me. What do I know? I was talking about my genius assistant here. He is very good at counting chickens.
Hasan is furiously cleaning his apron, his back still turned to Haseena.
Hasan, we have a customer. Please turn around.
He finally does, slowly, agonizingly.
Please greet the young lady. Show some respect.
HASAN
Greetings, my child.
Hasan is horrified that he has blown it.
They are now both achingly silent. Shy.
BABA
You know, when I first met my wife, there was a similar awkwardness.
HASAN
Glaring, Baba . . .
BABA
Which reminds me, it’s time for lunch. Can’t keep the old crocodile waiting. You know, I never understood the difference between a crocodile and an alligator until I met my wife. Do you know what the difference is? Crocodiles are more aggressive. To Haseena, I say this with love, Haseena. After forty years together, I love my crocodile more than ever. Hasan and Haseena . . . the names just fit.
HASAN
To Haseena, Can I please help you with a chicken?
BABA
To Hasan, Is that a hint for me to be silent? To Haseena, Do you know what his name is? The one I have given him?
Haseena is clearly enjoying Baba’s company. She shakes her head.
The Eternal Whiner. To Hasan, I was reading today about this girl who stood up to the Taliban. She got an award for it. A Nobel Prize.
He holds up the newspaper.
You should read about her. Her name is Malala. She stood up to the Taliban. A girl. Telling the Taliban to go to hell. Did she complain about a few flies in her face? She had a gun in her face, you moron. Now help the young lady with a chicken.
He exits, leaving the two together.
HASAN
He’s very old. So, you have come to buy a chicken?
HASAN
We have chickens. As you can see, we have so many, very many chickens. Beat. I’m sorry, I’m not myself today. I . . . it’s okay . . . what?
But Haseena hasn’t said a word.
I thought you said something.
Hasan is now resigned to the fact that he has completely blown his chance with her.
Never mind. Just point.
HASAN
Which chicken you want. I will prepare it for you.
She points. He gives her a token.
Number twenty-seven. Come back in sometime, I will have it ready.
HASAN
Okay. Thank you.
He starts cleaning his knife.
I just wanted a fan, that’s all.
HASAN
I don’t whine. I just wanted a fan. To keep the flies away.
HASAN
Yes, a fan. I don’t want you to think I’m a complainer. I don’t complain. Only girls complain, you know.
HASEENA
Only girls complain. I see.
HASAN
No, no, I did not mean it . . . I did not mean you. I meant girls in general.
HASEENA
I think I’ll come back.
HASAN
Yes . . . yes, that would be best. Thank you. Have a good morning.
HASAN
Yes, yes . . . of course . . . how right you are . . .
She leaves.
“I just wanted a fan?”
To chicken, Why don’t you kill me instead? Right now, you have more reason to live.
2.
Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada. The last week of May 2014.
The changing room of the West Coast Cricket Club. A large, grimy room with benches, a bathroom, shower stalls, a sink, and an open garbage bin.
sam enters. Thirty, Chinese, dressed in tracks, a vest, and slippers. He has a healthy paunch but still wears the vest proudly.
He drags a large bag, which contains his cricket kit. He looks at the empty room. Then at his watch.
SAM
To himself, Why am I always early? Even when I’m late, why am I early?
RAM
From offstage, Because you’re too eager.
Enter ram. Sam is pleased to see Ram. Ram is about the same age as Sam.
You’re just too eager, man.
SAM
Fuck you.
They hug.
Where is everyone?
RAM
It’s just you and me, bro. After last year’s drubbing, no one wants to play anymore.
SAM
I’ll play with you anytime.
RAM
Why did I not like the sound of that?
DOC
Hello, boys!
Enter doc. A powerful presence. Fifties.
SAM
Hi, Doc!
Sam turns to hug Doc. Doc just offers his hand to Sam.
DOC
A simple handshake will suffice.
RAM
To Sam, It means “Will do.”
RAM
“Suffice.” That’s what it means.
SAM
I know what it means. I’m not dumb. To Doc, So, Doc, how was India?
DOC
Good, good, you know, everyone’s excited. The feeling is that the PM’s going to clean things up. There’s hope in the air. Apart from the smog and pollution, there’s hope.
SAM
Great. How’s the chick scene there?
DOC
I don’t know, Sam. I didn’t go there for the chicks. I went there to attend my nephew’s Navjote ceremony.
DOC
It’s like a bar mitzvah for my people. An initiation into the Zoroastrian faith.
RAM
Hey, I’ve attended one of those. Lots of drinking, very little faith.
DOC
What can I say? We like to celebrate.
RAM
Hey, wasn’t Freddie Mercury Zoroastrian?
DOC
I’d say he’s the world’s most well-known Zoroastrian. Along with Zubin Mehta.
RAM
To Sam, Of an orchestra.
SAM
I’m not into classical music.
DOC
And I’m not surprised.
Enter randy. A South Indian in his forties. He is accompanied by abdul. Thirties.
RAM
Indicating Randy, Guys, the money has arrived! Mr. Randy Prasad! Maker of the best idlis in Canada!
RANDY
And dosas. Don’t forget my dosas.
Randy shakes hands with Doc. Sam greets Abdul.
To Ram, So how come you’re on time today? Waking up early now?
RAM
Haven’t slept, man. At all. Just dropped this chick off and now I’m here.
RAM
Really nice Russian girl. We just hit it off. It was crazy.
RANDY
You met a really nice Russian girl?
RAM
Yup. She had that great Ukrainian feel to her.
RANDY
They’re two different countries. And I don’t think they get along.
RAM
She could be Czechoslovakian then. I didn’t ask, man.
RANDY
You went on a date and you don’t know where she’s from?
RAM
Why bring ethnicity into it? We’re all human. We’re all —
RANDY
Was she a hooker by any chance?
RANDY
Why can’t you ever get laid without paying?
DOC
To Ram, I love your honesty. To openly say that you are unwanted — totally and utterly undesirable — is an act of courage.
RAM
I said it in jest. I wasn’t . . . Reminiscing, She was really sweet. We licked wine all night.
RAM
No, we licked it. Off each other. Best way to make cheap wine taste better.
RANDY
Indicating Sam, Any way you can make this guy play better?
SAM
Hey, come on. I did my job as opener last season.
RANDY
If by “did your job” you mean you played like a turd, then yes.
SAM
I was told to stay out there for as long as possible.
RANDY
And make some runs in the process! You stayed so long you had fungus around your toes!
SAM
But you told me to take my time! You said runs didn’t matter. Didn’t you? “Sam, as long as you stay there, I’m happy.” That’s what you said.
RAM
Let’s just forget last season.
RANDY
Forget? It’s hard to forget. I had a dog, and he died last season. I’ve forgotten him. But I haven’t forgotten how badly we lost. Beat. But as captain of this team, I take full responsibility. I’ve decided to make some changes to our batting order. Instead of Abdul opening the batting, we’re going to send him lower down the order. He’s going to be our finisher.
DOC
But who’ll open the batting with Sam? Sam’s an opener, sure, but he’s not really an opener. To Sam, No offence.
DOC
And the one who can bat, we’re sending down the order.
RANDY
That’s the reason I called this meeting. I have an idea.
RANDY
The whole team isn’t here. I need the support of the entire team for this one.
DOC
Where the hell are they?
Randy checks his phone.
RANDY
A couple are stuck on the Lions Gate Bridge. The rest have hangovers.
DOC
Well, we’re here, so . . .
RANDY
Fine. We’re going to bring in an overseas player.
DOC
You mean a professional?
RANDY
Not exactly. He isn’t professional, but he’s very good.
DOC
So you’ve just seen him play.
RANDY
I haven’t, actually.
DOC
You don’t know him. You haven’t seen him play.
RANDY
But I’m told he’s phenomenal.
DOC
By whom?
Abdul steps forward, humbly. Abdul is a simple presence, very aware of the fact that he is different from the rest of the players. His clothes and body language give the impression that he does not have the same status as the others.
When Abdul speaks, it’s clear his English isn’t as fluent as the rest. But there is a simple poetry and rhythm to his speech. Having picked up words and phrases unconsciously, he assembles them in his own way.
DOC
I didn’t know you had a brother.
ABDUL
Younger brother. He back in Dongri. In Bombay.
DOC
Oh, I know where that is. Not too many cricketers there.
ABDUL
He work chicken cutter. But great player. If you think I bat good, he bat like a . . . like a storm. Solid power.
RANDY
Look, if Abdul says he’s good, then he’s good.
ABDUL
He not good. He madman in jungle. He make shot out of nowhere. Good length ball he hit for six. He hit fast bowlers like they spinners. Like they bowling lollipops.
RANDY
But we need to work out the logistics. Visas and stuff.
RAM
I have a contact at the Canadian consulate in New Delhi. I’ll find out the details.
RANDY
That’s great. But we still need a yes from the rest of the team. And the club president has to approve.
RAM
Then let’s discuss that at my place. Tonight. Call the whole team! Drinks are on me. And as a bonding exercise, we’ll watch Gladiator. That final battle should set our balls on fire.
SAM
I love Kurt Russell!
Sam grabs a cricket helmet from his kit and puts it on.
RAM
Russell Crowe!
Sam, playing Russell Crowe, turns to everyone.
SAM
Removing his helmet, My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius. Commander of the armies of the North, South, East, and West. Father to a murdered son —
But Randy holds Sam’s helmet.
RANDY
You’re this close to getting thrown off the team. Now. Let’s start the season off on a positive note. Bring it in, guys. Bring it in.
They all form a circle and place their hands in the centre. Randy hands out a cigarette to each player. They light up.
One, two, three . . .
ALL
West Coast!
They burst out of the circle, watch the smoke make circles the way children watch smoke at a campfire.
Sam smokes through the ribs of his helmet.
RAM
I think we should work on our stamina this season.
3.
Baba’s Chicken Centre.
A week later.
Hasan is staring at the building opposite. He is holding large knife in his hand, but it is stationary, as though he were about to bring it down but then got paralyzed.
Baba looks at Hasan.
BABA
The chicken is waiting.
BABA
Bring that knife down, will you? Beat. Is there something on your mind?
HASAN
No, I was staring at the moon.
HASAN
Sometimes the moon can be seen during the day, can’t it?
BABA
Is the moon sixteen years old by any chance? And does she live in that building opposite?
HASAN
It’s been a week. I haven’t seen her in a week.
BABA
All these years you saw Haseena but never spoke to her. Why the sudden interest? If I remember correctly, you once said to me that she’s “irritating.”
HASAN
She was. Once she just took our cricket ball and ran away. Highly irritating.
BABA
You don’t seem “highly irritated” now.
HASAN
I don’t know, okay? Suddenly all her pimples have gone and now she’s . . . I mean they’re still there, a couple of them, here and there, but I like them. I like her pimples, even. There’s something wrong with me.
BABA
Her pimples have burst, and soon your bubble will too. She’s out of your league. She speaks English. Fluently.
HASAN
To me she speaks Hindi, no? The language of love. So what’s the problem?
BABA
Money is the language of love, you idiot. And in that you are even less fluent.
HASAN
She’s not even come to the window. Doesn’t she need oxygen? Beat. Why did you have to behave that way?
HASAN
You made me look like a fool.
BABA
No one can make you look like a fool. You have a natural talent for being idiotic.
HASAN
There you go again. You’re always putting me down.
HASAN
How can I relax when she’s stopped buying chickens?
BABA
Maybe she is reeling from your beauty. Maybe the sweet scent of Hasan has entered her nostrils and made her swoon.
HASAN
The scent of Hasan? Do you know what Hasan smells like?
HASAN
Hasan smells of dead poultry. Each chicken, before it dies, farts in my face as a final gesture.
BABA
Don’t let them get to you.
HASAN
I’m killing them, Baba. A little fart is justified.
BABA
Listen, chickens are not meant to grow old. Give them a swift, loving death. That’s what the chickens told me.
HASAN
The chickens told you this.
BABA
Through the eyes, Hasan. Through the eyes. Everything can be said through the eyes. Your mistake — you did not look Haseena in the eye.
HASAN
She’s not a chicken, Baba.
BABA
My wife is a crocodile. But the love is in the eyes. The eyes cannot lie. When I look into those big beady eyes of hers, I don’t need to say anything. The fact that she doesn’t let me speak is irrelevant.
HASAN
Is that why you talk so much at the shop?
BABA
You are one to talk. The mention of the word “Haseena” makes you shiver like an epileptic. Beat. Haseena.
Baba lets out a tiny shiver.
Haseena.
Baba shivers again.
Baba is about to launch into one more “Haseena,” when he sees her approaching.
Haseena!
But Hasan thinks Baba is still mocking him.
HASAN
I will never be like you. I am not scared of any woman. Let Haseena come in front of me, I will show her. The first time I was nervous because you made me that way. Next time she comes I will charm her. I will sweep her off her feet. Even if all women are crocodiles, I will convert them into nightingales. And they will sing my praises.
HASEENA
All women are what?
Hasan freezes.
BABA
To Hasan, May Allah be with you.
HASAN
Why is this happening to me?
BABA
Hello, my child. It’s good to see you. Now if you’ll excuse me, Hasan will tend to you.
HASEENA
I’d rather he not.
BABA
Now, now, don’t be that way. One must always be nice to nincompoops. Allah showers blessings on those who do charity.
Baba deftly exits. Hasan turns around.
HASAN
I’m so sorry. You were not meant to hear that.
HASEENA
Which part? The one where you call women crocodiles or the one where you sweep me off my feet?
HASAN
It wasn’t me. Baba called his wife a crocodile!
HASEENA
Baba’s a sweet, kind man. He respects women.
HASAN
No, no, he’s not sweet and kind. He’s —
HASEENA
Didn’t he bring you up? Didn’t he look after you and your brother when you had no one?
HASAN
I . . . never mind. Just point.
HASEENA
Pointing to a chicken, I’ll take that one.
HASAN
Totally resigned, I’ll keep it ready.
HASEENA
And while you’re at it, ask Allah to teach you some respect. Oh, my. I wonder how that happened.
HASEENA
When I opened my mouth, it was not to sing your praises.
She leaves.
HASAN
Shit. Shit. Shit. Bloody shit. Bloody hell. Bloody hell of a shit I am in. It’s okay, Hasan. Take a deep breath. Just think she is a fast bowler. Yes, that’s it. Think she is a fast bowler and she is angry and she has bowled you a bouncer. What do you do? You simply duck out of the way. That’s all. You wait for her to get tired.
Haseena is back. But, of course, Hasan cannot see that she is.
Yes, let her get tired. When she gets tired, that’s when you hit her. Hit her hard.
HASEENA
Now you want to hit me? I just came back to tell you that my father said to cut it into smaller pieces. Animal!
She leaves in a bigger huff.
HASAN
That old man is destroying my life.
4.
The locker room. A week later.
From now on, everyone is dressed in whites.
Sam and Abdul are in the room.
Sam is in full cricket gear, ready for the game. He is pacing about with his bat in hand. The game hasn’t started yet.
Abdul is seated on the bench. He is watching Sam.
SAM
It’s the first game of the season. I hate first games.
ABDUL
You should not hate any game. Love all game. First game, last game, all same. All chance to play.
SAM
That’s easy for you to say. You always score runs. And you’re not even opening with me this time. That makes it worse.
ABDUL
Sam, why you play cricket?
ABDUL
You Chinese. Why cricket? Chinese no cricketers.
SAM
As a kid, I was never good at sports. So I didn’t have any friends. Except Ram. He moved from India and I moved from China at the same time. He’s been my friend since the fifth grade. He let me play cricket with him. It made me feel . . . a part of something. And I saw just how much he loved the game. So it made me want to play even more.
ABDUL
Exactly. You saw him love. You saw him love game. What you doing, this not love. This fear.
SAM
But I am scared, do you mind?
ABDUL
What you scared of? Scoring duck?
SAM
Let’s not talk about ducks. I refuse to get out on zero in the first game.
ABDUL
But you will. Because you playing for wrong reason. You don’t play because you scared of scoring zero. You play because want to make hundred.
SAM
I’ve never made a hundred. I never will.
A small pause. Abdul wants to say something, but he is not sure. Then he goes for it.
ABDUL
You know Dongri, right? Dongri area?
SAM
Ram used to talk about it sometimes. I know what it’s famous for.
ABDUL
Correct. Dawood Bhai. Dawood Bhai in Pakistan now. He stop coming India after bomb blasts in ninety-three. Did you know Bhai policeman’s son? Son of honest policeman? But Bhai become underworld don. Whole Dongri proud of Bhai. I hear stories of Bhai from older boys, and I proud too. One day Baba ask me, “What you proud of?” I say, “Baba, he become big man from small place like Dongri.” Baba say, “Yes, Bhai become big man from small place. But you don’t need to become big man. You need to become good man.” When I little, Baba tell me parents die in bike accident. But now Baba tell hard truth. My father, he stuntman. One day, man from Dawood gang come to him. D-Company say we need you ride motorcycle. D-Company man sit behind you, you ride fast, D-Company kill, you ride faster. Father say no. For seven day, D-Company man come. Final warning. My father no killer. My father say no. One night D-Company man kill father. Mother also bullet. By mistake but. She next to father. I play cricket to forget. The longer I out there on pitch, less I think of Baba. Of Hasan. Of father, mother. So if I get out zero, I feel double worse than you. Then all week when I cook, I piss off. And then food taste pissy. Beat. You want to forget something? You score runs. Runs help forget.
SAM
No, man. I mean . . . sure, I have things . . . but nothing like yours.
ABDUL
Nothing you want forget?
SAM
I can’t think of anything.
ABDUL
Thanks Allah for blessed life then. Good luck.
SAM
That’s it? How does that help me?
ABDUL
Okay, okay, I give you secret.
SAM
Anything, man. Anything.
ABDUL
People make fun of you. They think you stupid . . . right?
SAM
Well . . . I mean . . . sometimes, but —
ABDUL
They think you stupid. I think you stupid.
SAM
Oh. Okay then. That’s your secret?
ABDUL
Doc keep saying you not opening batsman. Randy feel bad for you so he take you in team. Treat you like disabled child case. You and Ram watch porno on phone all day. You no get chicks on own. You loser. Correct?
SAM
I’m beginning to get pissed off with you. And just so you know, everyone watches porn on their phones now. It’s like checking the time. It just pops up, you know. You’re trying to send a text to someone and suddenly you have these pink nipples in front of you, and your whole day goes for a toss and . . . why the hell am I explaining this to you? I’m pissed off with you.
ABDUL
Good, good. Now keep all piss, keep all it in your stomach, in heart, keep all piss off. On cricket field, all bowler your enemy. All bowler make fun of you. For watching porn, for spend Saturday night alone alone alone, for not good at anything, for never winning lottery.
ABDUL
Use anger. Use insult. You walk out, you look bowler and you insult! Don’t matter who. India, Pakistan, Australia —
ABDUL
China no play cricket. You problem China?
SAM
I’m in love with a Chinese girl. But her father won’t let her see me.
ABDUL
Then China just announce entry into world cricket. Her father bowling at you. Her small China father coming for you. He want you dead. He want you choke on noodle. He want you have no tongue to kiss pretty daughter.
SAM
Actually, her father’s a really nice guy. I think she doesn’t like me.
ABDUL
Forget China. Keep piss off anger.
Abdul takes the bat from Sam.
So, you walk down pitch with bat. You look bowler in eye. “I kill you. I burn your home. I kill your wife. I kill your child. I kill your child’s child.”
SAM
That’s a lot of killing.
ABDUL
But you don’t say! You just feel. You look in eyes and feel.
SAM
Charged up, Yes, I will burn your house. I will burn your brother. Your father. Your uncle. But I will save you and your wife. Then I will tie you up and make you watch while your wife and I . . . while your wife and I . . . watch porn together on my phone!
He slams his bat against his pads and strides out in a rage. He is Sam the Batting Machine.
As Sam exits, Randy enters.
RANDY
What happened to him?
RANDY
That’s good. I hate starting on a losing note.
Doc enters.
DOC
Sam’s really pumped up. I hope he lasts out there.
ABDUL
Don’t worry, he be out there long time.
RANDY
So, Abdul. I discussed Hasan’s situation with the boys again. There’s two ways of getting him into the country. The first option is a bit complicated. The club has to bring him in an official capacity. So, we write a letter saying we are importing Hasan Siddiqui to play for us for one season.
ABDUL
Oh, he be happy. If letter from club, dream come true. How you say here . . . “Awesome!”
RANDY
But for that we have to prove that a Canadian cannot do what he does.
ABDUL
But Canadian cannot. Canadian good with ice. Canadian, how you say here . . . suck balls in cricket.
RANDY
But it’s not like Hasan has a professional career in India. I mean, he’s not playing for any club. So there’s no proof of experience. And we’d have to advertise for one month, locally, in three different places, to target the Canadian market. It’s a pain in the ass. Beat. But there’s a second way.
RANDY
We bring him on a tourist visa. You write a letter saying that your brother would like to visit you for a couple of months. And then he plays.
ABDUL
He no visit me. I illegal here, man! Five years I hiding in back of restaurant. I report, I deport. I no write letter. I no even have brother.
ABDUL
Before coming Canada, I write in form. Zero family.
ABDUL
My sponsor say to do, so I do. Beat. Doc, you write letter for me? Please?
DOC
Well, it’s not that simple.
ABDUL
Why? Simple. He come, he play, he go.
ABDUL
What you mean, Doc?
DOC
What do I mean about what?
ABDUL
“Right.” What that mean?
DOC
For one, from what I’ve been told, your brother doesn’t even have a bank account. The government wants to see that he has sufficient funds in his account.
ABDUL
I get funds. I do for Hasan.
ABDUL
My problem. I figure.
ABDUL
So you give letter? You citizen. You doctor. Respected man. You give letter, Hasan get visa.
DOC
Crudely imitating Abdul, No, I no give letter.
RANDY
Hey . . . Easy, Doc.
ABDUL
No, no, let him say what he feel. What you feel, Doc? Tell.
Doc doesn’t respond. Abdul is hurt but realizes he is in no position to start a confrontation. But his hurt and shame don’t subside.
ABDUL
To himself, Why can’t people just speak truth?
Now Doc latches on.
DOC
You want the truth? I’ll give you the truth. I don’t think your brother will go back, okay? I think he’ll stay on, just like you. It’s people like you who give Indians a bad name. You sneak into this country, you stay on, and you make it hard for people like us.
ABDUL
Like you? Like educated man? Man with money? So I no money, no study, so I thief?
DOC
You said it.
Abdul is upset. His body language is a bit aggressive.
Doc senses this.
What — you want to hit me? That’s all your people do. Blood is all you know.
RANDY
Doc, that’s enough.
Doc tries to calm himself. But Abdul continues.
ABDUL
So who my people, Doc? I Indian, you Indian. So who my people? How my people different from yours?
ABDUL
Say it. You big man. You know names of diseases. But can’t see own disease?
DOC
I’m not blind, Abdul. I can see. I have seen. I’ve seen what you did in Bombay. I saw what your people did during the riots!
ABDUL
Say it! Say the name!
DOC
You Muslims! Okay? I will not allow another Muslim to enter this country. This is my country now. Stay out of it!
Doc storms out.
RANDY
To Abdul, Don’t worry about him, man. Ignore him. Just focus on the game.
Suddenly, Ram enters. He is supporting Sam, who is badly hurt.
Sam’s face is bleeding. His white shirt is covered in blood.
Randy immediately gets an ice pack and a towel.
RAM
He got hit, that’s what happened. I have no idea what got into him.
RAM
He played a couple of balls and then just started insulting the bowler. He told him to go watch porn. He said, “Your wife called. She said you forgot your balls at home.”
RAM
The next ball the bowler gave him a bouncer straight on the nose.
RANDY
To Sam, What the hell is wrong with you?
SAM
Sounding nasal and in pain, Ask him!
SAM
Abdul! I was so charged up I forgot to wear my helmet!
RANDY
How much did you score?
SAM
A duck. Zero, man! Zero! A duck and a broken nose!
Abdul picks up his bat and his cricket kit.
ABDUL
I win this game for you. I win this game. Abdul need to stay there long. Abdul need to forget.
He leaves.
5.
Baba’s Chicken Centre. A day later.
Hasan is cutting chickens. He looks totally depressed.
Baba is reading the newspaper.
BABA
Oh. Oh, no.
He looks at Hasan. Hasan doesn’t care.
Oh. Oh, my.
He looks at Hasan again. Hasan does not fall for it.
Oh dear. Oh God. This is interesting. Reading from paper, “Local Dongri Boy Embarrasses Himself in Front of Girl He Loves. Again.” It is headline news.
Hasan is trying hard not to react. But, of course, Baba knows exactly which buttons to press.
“Hasan Siddiqui, aged eighteen, a total nincompoop, fails to score yet again. In what has to be the most idiotic way to woo a girl, by insulting her, Siddiqui, stunned by his own stupidity, has gone silent. He has stopped talking to his Baba as well, for no reason, even though his Baba was just trying to help. But his Baba, being kind, being benevolent, being compassionate, being just a really, really nice guy, has found a way to give Hasan one last chance at getting love right.”
Baba quickly peers over his shoulder, then back at the newspaper. He has caught Hasan’s attention a bit.
Don’t worry, khajoor. You’ll get another chance. You’re not completely useless.
On hearing this, Hasan removes his apron, and is about to leave.
Too late, boy. Too late. Discreetly, I have got her chocolates.
Enter Haseena.
BABA
Greetings, my child. Thank you for coming to see me. I wanted to give you something.
He removes a box of chocolates from under the counter.
That’s for you.
HASEENA
Why are you giving me chocolates?
BABA
I can’t give you a chicken, can I?
HASEENA
I mean, what are they for?
BABA
For eating, my dear. This fine gentlemen next to me asked me to get them for you. To make up for his lack of manners. And personality. And charm. And —
HASAN
I think she gets it.
HASEENA
But they’re so expensive.
BABA
Not to worry. I just cut the same amount from Hasan’s pay this month.
BABA
To Hasan, But you told me to go get them, didn’t you?
HASAN
Yes, yes, of course. I meant you didn’t have to tell her that. How does it matter who buys? Who pays, who does not pay, who wins, who loses, how does it matter?
BABA
That’s my boy. To Haseena, Won’t you forgive this dimwit? He is an orphan. Come on. Do it for an old man. Do it for an old man whose bladder is about to burst. Please excuse me, young lady.
He leaves. Before Haseena has a chance to leave as well, Hasan gets into the act.
HASAN
Listen, I’m sorry. I just . . . I just get nervous around you.
HASEENA
But that’s not your smell.
HASAN
I have blood on me.
HASEENA
It’s not your blood.
HASAN
I have flies on my lips.
HASEENA
Much better than the words that come out of them.
Hasan smiles.
Oh, you smiled. I have never seen you smile. You always look so serious. Maybe it’s because you are such a tough chicken slaughterer.
HASAN
This is not what I do . . .
HASEENA
This is all you do. From morning to evening, you are doing this.
HASAN
I’d like to do something else.
HASEENA
Like what? What about college?
HASAN
No, no college for me.
HASEENA
Why not? You don’t like studying?
HASAN
I love studying. I love it. It’s just that I can’t go to school because Baba needs me.
HASEENA
But you do know how to read and write, don’t you?
HASAN
Of course. Of course. I read a lot.
HASAN
Books. I read books, I read newspaper articles . . . I like to keep abreast, you know. There’s lots going on out there.
HASAN
Er . . . Tell me your name. Your full name.
HASAN
Just tell me your full name.
HASEENA
Haseena Abdulrahim.
HASAN
Haseena Abdulrahim. Now, with a name like that do you think they will let you into that country?
HASEENA
What country?
He realizes she isn’t following at all. Or perhaps he has realized he is a moron.
HASAN
Enough about me. What are your plans?
HASEENA
Insha’Allah I will get good marks in my tenth finals and I will get admission into college.
HASEENA
I’m not leaving. The college is just ten minutes away.
HASEENA
But I do want to go to medical school. Eventually.
HASEENA
Yes, I like studying. Pointing to him, And, clearly, I’m comfortable with the sight of blood, so . . .
HASAN
Disappointed, Wow, a doctor. You have big plans. Your plans are huge. To himself, I could never . . .
HASEENA
You could never what?
HASAN
I could never be a doctor.
HASEENA
You don’t have to. It’s not what interests you.
HASAN
Why doctor? Why not something else? Something easier, happier. To be surrounded by sick people all the time . . .
HASEENA
That’s exactly why. So I can look after my family. My grandmother has been sick for a month. No one can help her. She’s in so much pain all day. What if that happens to my parents? Or my children? I don’t want to depend on anyone else. It makes me angry.
HASAN
It makes me angry too.
HASEENA
What do you mean?
HASAN
I have to depend on Baba for everything. Even I —
Just as Hasan is about to complete his sentence, we hear the sound of a motorcycle. The rider is revving the engine on purpose. We never see him.
HASAN
Everyone knows him. He’s famous in Dongri. But I don’t know him personally, no.
Hasan gives Mehndi a half-wave, almost apologetic.
HASEENA
If you don’t know him, why are you waving?
HASAN
I love his bike. He’s just a year older than I am and he has his own motorcycle.
HASEENA
I hate that thing. He keeps wanting to take me for a ride.
HASEENA
What’s lucky about it? He’s disgusting. His shirt’s open till his navel. And his hair. Just look at his hair. It’s longer than mine.
HASAN
It looks cool, yaar.
HASEENA
Then why don’t you sit behind and wrap your arms around him?
HASAN
If he bothers you, just ignore him. He’ll go away.
But Mehndi will not relent. He revs the engine and blows his horn. A horn to the tune of a Hindi song.
HASEENA
Do you boys think that this will impress a girl? This horrifying tune? To Mehndi, Look, Mehndi.
She signals for him to turn the engine off. Once he does, Haseena looks around to see if anyone is watching. The street is busy as hell but no one’s really focusing on them.
You’re a nice guy. You’re good looking. Your hair is so silky you could do a shampoo ad. But . . . but I already have someone. I have a boyfriend.
HASAN
To himself, Shit. What shitty luck I have.
HASEENA
To Mehndi, And what’s more, he bought me a gift. To Hasan, Show him the chocolates.
HASAN
I’m your boyfriend?
HASEENA
Hurry up or by God I will slit your throat.
Hasan quickly raises the box of chocolates high in the air. Ridiculously high, out of fear, as though he is holding a time bomb.
To Mehndi, There. These cost a lot. These are Belgian chocolates. Do you know where Belgium is? Or when you were reading the map did your hair come in the way?
Mehndi starts his motorcycle and leaves. An angry exit.
What a sample.
HASAN
You shouldn’t have done that.
HASAN
Insulted him like that.
HASEENA
Insulted him? What about his insulting me? You think it’s okay for a man to rev his engine like that? To sit on a machine and go voom-voom-voom, that’s not an insult? To play “Ek-Do-Teen” on his horn to me. Do you know that in the movie Madhuri plays a woman of the night? So isn’t that what he’s calling me? That’s not an insult?
HASAN
Well, if you put it like that . . .
HASEENA
How else should I put it? Beat. I was in such a good mood.
HASAN
Here, have a Belgian chocolate.
HASEENA
These are not Belgian chocolates. They’re Cadburys.
HASEENA
No, I’m sorry. That fellow is my cousin.
HASEENA
And he still wants to be with me. That’s repulsive.
HASAN
But you can go a little easy on him.
HASEENA
Why are you siding with him?
HASAN
I’m not siding with him. I understand him.
HASEENA
You understand that . . . that thing?
HASAN
He’s just trying to win you over. When a man tries to win the affection of a woman, all his wires go criss-cross. He does stupid things.
HASEENA
Like call her a crocodile?
HASEENA
Hasan, are you trying to win me over?
HASAN
In a panic, What? No. Oh God, no. Why would I try to win you over? You’re like a sister to me.
HASEENA
You’re strange. You are such a strange boy.
She leaves.
HASAN
To himself, Sister? Why is she my sister? Why is she your sister? What is wrong with you? Why can’t you keep your mouth shut? Stay calm, Hasan. You are panicking. People are looking at you. You are talking to yourself, calm down! Eat some chocolates, Hasan. Eat some Belgian chocolates.
He opens the box and starts eating.
6.
The locker room. A week later.
The boys are getting ready for a game.
As soon as Doc enters the locker room, Abdul leaves. There is a real edge. Randy decides to address it.
RANDY
Look, guys. If we want to win out there, we have to be united.
Ram and Sam nod their heads. But Doc is silent.
We have to keep our personal differences aside. Only if we play together can we win. Am I clear?
SAM
I have no issue with Abdul. I’m all for a clean start.
RANDY
I wasn’t talking about you, but it’s okay.
RAM
Actually, you look better with a broken nose. It’s almost as if he got a nose job. Right, Doc?
But Doc is silent. He’s just putting his gear on.
RANDY
I just need to know that we’re cool.
RANDY
Abdul is an integral part of this team.
Randy’s cell phone rings.
DOC
I don’t have to be best friends with the guy, do I? It’s okay, I’m good.
Randy answers his phone.
RANDY
Hello? Yeah, Randy here. Beat. Where the hell are you guys? No one from your team is here, man. Beat. What? Why not? Beat. Hey . . . take it easy . . .
He listens some more.
Fuck you!
He disconnects. He is fuming, rattled.
That was the other team. They’re not coming.
RANDY
They said it’s too long a drive to play with a bunch of losers They said they’d rather lose points than play with us. Bastards.
RAM
Ignore them, man. They’re just trying to rile you up. They probably didn’t have a full team.
RANDY
They made fun of my food! They said my medu vadas were putting my team to sleep. Their captain actually said that. I mean, you can insult my kids, that’s fine. Call them stupid, because they are. But my food? That’s just —
SAM
We should complain to the league.
RANDY
I’m sick and tired of having this loser reputation! None of you guys ever come for practice! Let’s use this time to practice.
SAM
But it’s raining outside.
RANDY
It always rains outside. Ever heard of indoor rain?
RAM
Guys — let’s just . . . wait for the rain to stop.
RANDY
Fine, let’s wait. That’s all we keep doing. Waiting. From one game to the next. Oh, we lost this week. No problem, let’s wait for next week. So we can lose all over again.
RAM
Relax, man. We’re not professionals. Let’s have fun out there.
RANDY
Fun? Losing isn’t fun! Look, I know we’re not playing the World Cup, okay? I know we had only two spectators for the whole of last season, one of whom was homeless, but that’s not the point. I just —
RAM
That homeless guy stole my phone, man. I saw him hovering around my bag. I can’t prove it, but I know it’s him.
SAM
Hey, that wasn’t a homeless guy. That was my friend, Gary.
RAM
Your friend stole my phone?
SAM
He would never . . . and anyway, it was an Android. I just don’t get people who use Androids.
RAM
And I don’t get people whose friends look like they’re homeless. He had a hole in his pants, man!
RANDY
Fuck, we have no focus! We can’t even talk about cricket, let alone play it.
RAM
Dude, you’re our captain! You can’t get worked up! You should be calming us down!
RANDY
That’s what I’m trying to do! So calm the fuck down!
ABDUL
Schedule change. Our next game next weekend. Now we against number one team in division.
RANDY
Great. That’s just great.
RAM
On the subject of winning . . . since we’re all here together . . . I spoke to my contact at the Canadian consulate in India. I’ve figured out the details for Hasan’s visa. We need a letter of leave from his employer. And he has to show he has enough funds in his bank account.
RANDY
How much is enough?
RAM
About forty thousand dollars.
ABDUL
What? Where he get forty thousand?
SAM
We could raise the money. Let’s think of something.
RAM
Raise the money? He’s not Terry Fox!
RANDY
Does he have a bank account?
ABDUL
Yes, but account empty. Zero money.
A pause of disappointment. Then —
RANDY
Put money in his account. From India. My man Shetty will handle it. Shetty will print out a statement to show that regular deposits were being made over the last six months. But you have to show that this is Hasan’s income. What’s his occupation?
RANDY
No. He’s head chef. In my restaurant in Bombay. I’ll provide a letter. And he’s just been given a huge cash award in recognition of his outstanding work.
ABDUL
But he bad, bad cook.
RANDY
No, he’s a great cook.
RAM
But there’s still one issue though. He has to show that he has a valid reason to go back.
RANDY
That’s true. Forty grand isn’t enough reason to go back. Plus that money can always be transferred here. To Abdul, So you think of something, okay?
ABDUL
Are you sure? That lot of money.
RANDY
Your brother better be good, man. I want to win. I want to tear the opposition’s panties and stuff them in their mouths.
ABDUL
When Hasan bowls, he so fast opposite panties tear on their own. I show you photo.
ABDUL
Of brother.
He reaches into his wallet and takes out a photo of him and Hasan.
RANDY
He doesn’t look like he can do shit.
ABDUL
This old photo. He twelve.
RANDY
So Ram, why don’t you be Hasan’s contact? I’ll provide a letter as his employer. You give a letter of invitation. That way, you and I are not connected.
RAM
No problem. I’ll say I’ve known Hasan a long time. We used to hang out in Bombay all the time.
RAM
To Sam, I pity you. I love you, but I pity you.
DOC
You know, I have a friend who’s coming to town this week. He used to play at the state level in India. We should try him out.
RANDY
Sure, sure. The more the merrier.
DOC
This guy used to be a mean bowler. Really quick.
RANDY
Bring him on, Doc. So here’s to two mean bowlers.
ABDUL
Hasan all-rounder. Hasan bat and bowl.
RAM
Is there anything he can’t do?
ABDUL
Pointing to Sam, Yes, he can’t score duck.
They laugh.
DOC
This guy, Ramesh, he used to be in medical school with me. He’s my age but he can do this team some good.
DOC
We both did our internship together in Bombay many years ago at JJ Hospital.
ABDUL
Oh . . . JJ very close to my home.
DOC
Not really responding to Abdul, JJ’s a tough place. We had guys come in with broken heads. Young, sixteen, seventeen years old . . . there was this girl who came in, Hema. She was by far one of the prettiest women I’d ever seen. When I saw her face, it was . . . how can I describe it . . . if you took the moon and polished it, and then polished it again, and then added a bit of sun, that’s what she looked like. When she came in, we just froze. We had never seen anything like her. She was pregnant. But she wasn’t delivering. Not exactly. She just had her belly slit open, across the waist, from here to here, and the head was out . . . we could see the head. She was brought in by her husband who was shivering, “Please, doctor, do something, please.” So what could we do, except let her die? That was the only thing we could do. They had slit open her belly with a sword. This was during the Hindu-Muslim riots. JJ’s in a predominantly Muslim area, you see, and she was Hindu, so she had to die. It was the sensible thing to do.
ABDUL
So what you saying?
DOC
I’m not saying anything. I’m just telling a story. About my friend Ramesh and me.
DOC
Well, I guess I’m not a good storyteller.
ABDUL
I think you good storyteller.
ABDUL
I think you know how to tell story. In good story, you make up things. You good.
DOC
You think I’m making it up? Why would I be making it up?
ABDUL
To make me look bad. To make brother look bad.
DOC
I don’t need to do that. Your own people did that for you.
When he hears this, Abdul goes for Doc.
ABDUL
Bhenchod!
He tears across the room, but Randy and the guys get to him in time.
DOC
Come on, hit me! Beat. Oh, I forgot! You won’t hit me! I’m not pregnant!
end of act one