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John wiped the tears from his eyes from crying.
“I fucked up, Mike. I chose my job over my family. If I were there, I could have protected her, and she would be here now. I had nightmares of her calling out to me as she was lying there taking her last breath. It became too unbearable that I ended up one night crawling into a bottle of Vodka and a pack of Marlboros and I have been there ever since,” John said sobbing.
There was a moment of silence in the car as John wiped his tears and collected himself.
“I am sorry for your loss, John. It sounds like she was a good person and that you really loved her. Do not blame yourself. I am sure Ashley does not blame you for her death,” Mike said sympathetically.
“You are right. She was not that kind of person,” John said.
Another moment of silence passed.
“Another thing that I have not been able to take my mind off was this infant I found in the dumpster not too long ago during one of my drunken nights. Little newborn girl with what looked to be like some form of birth defect. I found out she has Down syndrome. Little innocent child thrown away like trash because she looked different. Pretty fucked up right? Anyways, I could not get her out of my mind after I pulled her out from the dumpster and called it in,” John said.
John sighed.
“One night, I was in a bad way. I have hit rock bottom. I remembered the look of disappointment in my dad’s face, and I put a gun up to my head. I could not take it anymore and I wanted to end it all. I then received a phone call from the nurse for that little infant and she thanked me and put the infant up to the phone. I do not know, Mike, something changed in me, and I wanted to get sober. I was told her name was Janet and the case that I was called to yesterday reminded me of finding Janet in the dumpster and my unborn child and I lost it,” John said as a tear rolled down his eye.
John told him about the nightmares he had been having of the dark figure with the flaming eyes along with all the other horrific images that crept in when he is sleeping or when he has the urge to drink. Mike listened and had no judgement in his eyes. Instead, Mike was relieved for John to accept the help Mike was offering. Mike put his hand on John’s shoulder and looked at John, who was beaten down with emotion.
“John, you have had a rough few years. The fact that you are acknowledging this is the first step to wanting to get better. First, you need to accept the things you cannot change. Your wife’s death was not your fault. It was the mugger who killed her, not you. Drinking yourself will only postpone the inevitable emotions that have come out now. So, what is the point? Second, that dark figure must represent the demons you must face. My demon was the sound of an ice cream truck, which my son was obsessed with every time he heard it and we would always have it stop in front of our house. I faced that demon and look at me now. I have been sober and happy for a long time. Trust me, when you face that demon, you take the biggest step in recovery. The longer you brush it aside, the worse it will get. Face your demon and get sober,” Mike said.
John looked up and at Mike, this time Mike saw the eyes of determination that John saw in him.
“You are right. I need to face this,” John said.
“It sounds like Janet really opened your eyes. She must be a special girl,” Mike said as took a final drag of his cigarette.
John and Mike left the parking lot and returned to the bar to grab John’s car. The car ride was filled with talks about the Celtics and laughs about memories of Ashley and of James. Mike dropped John off to pick up his car and waved goodbye. John thanked Mike, waved a returned goodbye, and reassured Mike that he will see him tomorrow at AA. John was determined to get sober no matter what the cost was.
“Where were you?” the voice of Ashley appeared to John that night.
John was in a room, the same room with the blood-stained walls and the sounds of babies crying in agony and laughter filled the rooms. John was in a chair facing a bottle of Grey Goose, John’s favorite. John felt the undeniable thirst take over him, but he was tied down in a chair. A hand caressed John’s shoulders, wearing the same ring John gave to Ashley when he proposed.
“Forget what that murderer said. He could not handle the taste. Have a drink. I will take good care of you,” the deep voice said behind John.
The figure turned around and faced John, smiling that eerie smile with sharp brown teeth. His eyes were on fire and John looked into them. In the eyes were the images of the bodies found during the numerous cases he has worked, his father’s disappointed look, Ashley’s lifeless body, and Janet in the dumpster. The thirst was taking over his body as the dark figure was laughing and was tightening his grip on John.
“You bastard! I will not do it! I.... I.... will never cave to you again!” John screamed.
“Why fight it, John. You know I will never leave you!” the dark figure shouted.
“Yes, you will. I am stronger than you and I do not need you anymore,” John said as he felt the straps on his wrist begin to loosen.
“Impossible! You cannot beat me!” the dark figure screamed in agony.
The sounds of pain that filled the room grew louder. John clenched his fist and images of Janet running around a yard playing and smiling came to him. Ashley’s love was felt through his body. He broke through the straps on his wrist and stoop over the dark figure who was now lying on the ground, defeated.
“You will never break me again! You hear me!” John exclaimed.
The sounds of pain were gone and so was the dark figure. Ashley was standing across the room holding a baby and they both smiled at John. Ashley blew John a kiss in a flirtatious was as she used to do with John. John opened his hand to catch it and both Ashley and the baby disappeared.
John woke up from his sleep. He faced his demons and felt relief across his body. He felt ready to continue his journey of getting sober. He went back to sleep knowing that he will be dreaming instead of having nightmares.