The Government Whips’ Office. Afternoon.
Humphrey Atkins is packing a box. Bob Mellish bounces in with his own box of things.
Mellish (mockingly) Oh Humphrey, me ol’ cocker –
Atkins Oh, don’t start, Bob, alright?
Mellish Start? Moi?!
Atkins Let’s at least try and conduct this transfer with a modicum of decorum, shall we –
Mellish A ‘modicum of decorum’, blimey what’s that, odds on favourite for the 2.15?
Atkins That’s a ‘no’ then, I take it. (Lifting a painting from the walls.)
Mellish You can leave that if you like –
Atkins Get your own. Gift from my wife, anniversary.
Mellish Look, I’m sorry Humphrey, genuine commiserations and all that. Politics is a cruel sport, second place gets you naff all.
Atkins Yes, well, in – ha ha, in your case Bob, first place gets you ‘naff all’ as well. Four seats more than us? Labour may be the largest party, but not a majority in the House. Some might say that means we all lost.
Mellish And yet here we are, swapping offices. A few small steps across the lobby, but a giant leap for mankind.
Atkins Bob. It’s a hung parliament. You’ve got no idea, have you? (Making to leave.)
Mellish Oi, what’s your combination for the safe? I need to change it.
Atkins I’ll inform the Clerk, he can come and arrange for it to –
Mellish Oh come on, Humphrey, just give me your bloody –
Atkins Bob, no, I’m not telling you, / it’s a combination that –
Mellish Oh well, that’s grown up, isn’t it?
Atkins (continuing) – we’ve been using for … It’s not about being ‘grown-up’.
Mellish So / how am I meant to – Right, OK.
Atkins (continuing) It’s about protocol, Bob, procedure; call the Clerk.
Mellish Fine. Oi. (Holding out his hand.) No hard feelings, eh?
Atkins (beat; painting down; shakes) Listen. I mean this, because I like you –
Mellish Oh Humphrey, I like you too, come here.
Atkins We’re going to get you. Alright? So don’t get comfortable. A minority government? No one with any sense or gumption gives you more than a matter of weeks. You’re gonna fall, and fast, and hard. So start finding things to land on. Now.
Atkins goes. Mellish less cocksure now. Beat. Harrison enters, laughing, clapping.
Harrison Wheeey – ay up, you forget how much bigger it is than our one, eh? Well, old one.
Mellish We’re fucked. We’re fucked, aren’t we?
Cocks enters, carrying some files and boxes. Harrison and Mellish snap out of it, cheering.
Harrison Alright, Michael. Here we are, eh? (Offering his hand.)
Cocks I know – quick, lock the doors before they realise. (Shaking.)
Harper enters, in full State Opening regal garb, to more cheers.
Mellish Bloody ’ell, Joe, look at you, joining the circus or what? (Dialling on his phone.)
Harper Laugh all you want, Chief, but you have to treat me with a bit of respect now I’m a servant to Her Majesty’s Government.
Harrison Bugger off, you twat.
Mellish Joe, why you still wearing all that? Get it off, will yer? (He lifts his phone up – there’s no wire attached.) What the … ? Oh, nice, very clever.
Harper No-o, I just played a ‘key role’ in the opening of Parliament, and not only that, look at this, me white staff! (Displays it, laughing.)
Cocks Before you get carried away, he’s lost it twice this morning already.
Harper I haven’t lost it – how can I have lost it, Michael? It’s here in me hand. Get to keep it for ever, this. I’m gonna wander round with it always. At work, round the house. Tesco’s.
Ann Taylor enters, holding a box. Mellish cheers, as per, expecting the others to … but they just stare. A beat. Mellish clear his throat.
Taylor Hello.
Harrison Looking for your office, love? ’Tis a bit of a maze, here / let’s see if –
Mellish No, she’s not looking for it, she’s found it. This is Ann Taylor, new Member for Bolton. She’ll be joining our team. And I know everyone’ll make her feel very welcome?
Harrison … Uh yeah, course. Here, Ann, take a seat –
Mellish She’s a woman, Walter, not an invalid.
Harrison Well, alright! I was just –
Taylor No, that’s fine, honestly. Thank you. ‘Walter’?
Mellish (at the walls) Art! I need art, someone get me some art.
Clerk (entering, with the black briefcase) Gentlemen.
Harrison (pointing) And lady.
Mellish Nothing with a ship on it. Something like a Lowry, or what’s-his-face – what’s this?
The Clerk gets Mellish ‘set up’, handing him passes and demonstrating the case on his desk.
Clerk Your ministerial box.
Harper It’s black, not red.
Clerk The Chief Whip’s is black.
Harrison ‘The forces of darkness, and evil’ …
Mellish Do pack it in.
Clerk Key. Opens from the bottom, not the top. It’s heavy, you’ll get used to the weight.
Mellish (taking it) I know, I know. I have done this before, you know?
Harper (having a go) Flippin’ ’eck, have your arm off, that.
Clerk (taking it back, opening, demonstrating) Lead surround. Traditionally so that if your ship sank, it would sink to the bottom of the ocean. In reality, it’s for bomb blasts.
Mellish Bomb blasts?
Clerk To protect the contents.
Mellish What about my contents?
Clerk They aren’t Parliament’s concern. (Handing the case over and leaving.)
Mellish (after him) And can I get some art? Oi, and the phones too, they don’t … (Sighs.)
Cock (sitting, playing) Walter, look. Adjustable chairs.
Harrison Never! (Sitting.) Ha! All this time, them bastards! Bloody ’ell, I knew their poll ratings had been up and down all year but I didn’t know their arses had as well.
Mellish Eh, should see how comfy it is in the back seat of my car – oh wait, didn’t I mention, I get back my ministerial car?
Harrison Oh, you smug little tart, Chief.
Mellish Right, let’s stop mucking about, shall we?
He turns a blackboard over – during this, and for the rest of the play, the Whips should light up fags and smoke as and whenever fits. Most should probably spark up now …
Mellish Now. I don’t know if any of you have read a newspaper this week but apparently we, the Labour Party, are now in power.
All Whey-hey.
Mellish With one big problem.
Harper Aww.
Mellish It’s a mathematical problem, and one we definitely have to balance. 301, us. The Tories 297. And then we have the odds and sods. Liberals 14, the Scots 7, Irish 11, Welsh 2, others 3, meaning an Opposition total of 330. (Writes ‘Total 301 v. 330.)
[The table created could look something like this:
Mellish In other words, we’re all up shit creak, we’ve got the biggest boat, but they’ve got more paddles. Or to put it a simpler way … combined, there are more of them than us.
This sinks in.
So how do we survive? Answer: haven’t a clue. None us has any experience of a hung parliament, so it’s a learn-on-the-job type thing. But we are going to war, gentlemen, so make no bones. On the other side of the lobby are a bunch of bastards – sorry, Ann – already plotting our demise …
Speaker The Member for Esher!
The Opposition Whips’ Office.
Atkins unpacking at his new desk. Esher (veteran Tory known as ‘Colonel’) drinks a whisky.
Esher It stinks over here.
Atkins No it doesn’t.
Esher Always has, this side. Nasty ruddy odour. And it’s colder.
Atkins Was there anything I can help you with, Colonel?
Esher My new office, don’t like it. It’s cramped and there’s this ugly painted thing in there.
Atkins That’s the Member for Gloucester, Colonel, she’s sharing your room.
Fred Silvester knocks and enters.
Silvester Mr Atkins? How do you do, I’m / Fred Silvester –
Atkins Fred Silvester; new member for Manchester Withington, formerly of Walthamstow West. Welcome back. Nice to know we picked up a few seats while haemorrhaging others. You’ve been assigned to the Whips? (Taking his letter.)
Esher Manchester you say? God awful place, can’t be doing with it. Either needs a good clean or a good fire, I don’t mind which.
Atkins Colonel, Mr Silvester here will relocate you to a new office this afternoon.
Silvester Oh, right. Yes, of course.
Esher Posture, man. People aren’t afraid of a man who slouches. (At his drink.) What’s this, single malt?
Atkins It’s a blend.
Esher Going to the dogs, this place. I’ll be in the Smoking Room, let me know when that banshee is exorcised from my office.
He exits. Atkins takes out a phone wire cable from his pocket and smiles, dumping it in his bin.
Atkins The ‘spoils of war’. (Reading Silvester’s file.) You were in advertising.
Silvester Yes. Well, sort of.
Atkins You either were or you weren’t.
Silvester I was.
Atkins It should help, of course. Called to the bar, I see.
Silvester Gray’s Inn.
Atkins He’s right about your posture, you know.
Silvester I’ll work on it.
Atkins Do you prefer Fred or Frederick?
Silvester Fred’s fine.
Weatherill enters, clutching his folder. Sharply dressed, as ever.
Weatherill Oh, Chief. How boring, this whole thing.
Atkins So I’m starting to realise. Jack Weatherill, Governm – … Opposition Deputy Whip; Fred Silvester of / Manchester Withington –
Weatherill Oh, Manchester Withington, formerly Walthamstow West, yes, hello.
Silvester How do you do. Gosh, what a fine suit, I must say.
Weatherill Oh, thank you.
Atkins Yes, Jack has many a fine suit – (Looking up at his painting.) This look alright, here?
Weatherill (handing Silvester a card) Family are tailors by trade, place up on Savile Row. You should pop along. I don’t mean – not to imply that you need to.
Silvester No, of course.
Weatherill But, you know.
Atkins Fred was about to begin the annual game of musical chairs, weren’t you, Fred.
Silvester Yes – oh, right, yes. (Exits.)
Weatherill (calling after) Have fun. (To Atkins.) Seems a good sort, bit wet behind the ears.
Atkins So were we all once. They dry out. (Goes to adjust his chair, and realises it isn’t adjustable. Tutting.) Oh. The chairs, for God’s … (Sighs.) I swear, Jack. This is but a temporary situation. It’ll be over my Christmas.
Weatherill Hm, ‘over by Christmas’, where have I heard that before?
Government Whips’ Office.
Mellish Obviously the Tories are gonna vote against us every time, all the time, so what then? (Looks around. A sense of him ‘grooming’ the quiet one, here …) Michael?
Cocks Uh, well. Our only hope of getting bills through the House is the odds and sods, drawing ’em over to our side. Walter, he’s built up the contacts, made the relationships –
Mellish We all have to have those relationships now, can’t just rely on Walter. And Michael’s right. A ‘rainbow’ coalition. And as you know, at the end of the rainbow is a pot of gold.
Harrison Oh, lovely, Chief, beautiful.
Mellish That said, the world and his wife gives us about as much chance of lasting the spring as an Austin Allegro climbing a hill –
Harper I’ve sold it! So fuck off.
Mellish In fact we might even be the shortest government that e’er bloody lived –
Cocks But we can still lose votes in the Commons and survive, can’t we? Only way we can be booted out is losing a Vote of No Confidence.
Mellish Bingo, we lose a Confidence Vote, our PM is forced to go to the Queen. Historically rare, obviously, because governments normally have a majority. Well we don’t.
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins at a board, same figures. Weatherill and Silvester.
Atkins Naturally there is a way for Parliament itself to boot out a government, and that’s a No Confidence. If more than half the House join us against them, we force them out, but to get to that point is politically tricky; they have to be seen to be incapable of passing bills.
Weatherill All comes down to the odds and sods then, right? Tug of war. I mean, I know traditionally we’re more averse to ‘deals’ than Labour, but given the state of affairs –
Atkins No, I agree, needs must.
Weatherill And I see no reason why Walter Harrison should have sole monopoly on cross-party relationships in the House. I th – I really think I could try shifting the balance.
Atkins Very well, Jack, I release you from your binds, go forth and multiply.
Silvester (with a diary) Or better still, make sure most of the odds and sods can’t even be here in the first place? Because, well. Scottish school holidays start a week before ours, if we manage to table some votes for then, any Scot Nat members who’d support their first raft of bills will be stuck at home, along with Labour Scottish MPs.
Weatherill My word, that’s a strike above the bowler’s head if ever I saw one. Bravo, Fred.
Atkins (gathers things) Alright chaps, The Usual Channels are now open, it’s time to ride out into the field. And remember, our one advantage is our, um, oh how do I put this so it won’t sound … I can’t, our ‘class’. Labour Whips are foul-mouthed, brutish, trade unionist thugs.
Government Whips Office. ‘Finance’ now written on the board.
Mellish … bunch of toffee-nosed, arse-licking, dick-wanking wankers, sorry Ann, with silver spoons in their mouths and rods up their arses. Full of Baronets and Major Generals, their weakness is their inflexibility, so exploit it. (Checks watch.) Speaking of which, the aristo-twats will be on their way now. I just want Cocks and Harrison, newcomers bugger off.
Harper (exiting, with Taylor) Have fun, chaps.
Mellish Walter, feet or arse?
Harrison Feet, I thought, pacing on this angle, arms folded, ‘Threatening concern’. (Demonstrates pacing with ‘threatening concern’.)
Cocks I say it’s all in the chairs, their mistake when we’d come here is letting us sit together so we can pass notes. Let’s perform the old Trafalgar, split the fleet, me between these two –
Harrison Lean forward too – Atkins and Weatherill, they’re ‘recliners’, it’s all this – (Sits, shows.) Leaning back, legs crossed, like a fucking Jane Austen character, swooning –
Mellish I know, I’ll do the old ‘I’m busy but good busy’ at my desk, / keep ’em waiting.
(From a knock at the door.) Walter, tell a joke – come in!
Harrison – Leeds United.
The Government Whips laugh politely as the Opposition Whips enter.
Atkins Afternoon, Gentlemen.
Harrison How do, Humphrey. Jack. New boy.
Atkins Shall we begin?
Together, the three Opposition Whips sit, cross their legs and open their files. Slick.
Beat. Cocks and Harrison take up their position, Cocks leaning forward, between Weatherill and Silvester. Harrison perched on a desk, near Atkins.
Mellish is shuffling around some papers on his desk. He scribbles a few notes –distracted. The Opposition Whips patiently wait. Weatherill dusts down his trousers.
Mellish OK. Would you like to kick off?
Atkins Mmm – no, that’s OK, you start.
Mellish Alright, we were looking at this, Rates Bill to open on the 17th, Social Security 20th, Health and Safety Bill the 21st.
Atkins Aha. (Writing. A while.) … Yes, doesn’t work for us, Social Security; that last week of April would be preferable –Harrison, wouldn’t you like a chair, can’t be doing your back any good.
Mellish Few days before Easter, surely you’re worried about getting your members in?
Weatherill Hmm – no, actually, and it gives the Bill longer in committee, so the 26th then?
Mellish Oh wait, look, Scottish school holidays then so Scots MPs will struggle to be here.
Atkins Oh, that’s a shame. Still, can’t revolve around seven Scottish Nationalists.
Cocks Well we’ve got Scots in our party too, as have the Liberals.
Atkins I don’t think we have any Scots in our party, do we Jack. Any Tory Scots?
Weatherill No, not one.
Harrison Do your private school kids break up the same week as our state school kids or is that different too?
Atkins Well done, Walter, three minutes in and you’ve already played the class card, I think that’s a record. I take it the swearing is due to flow shortly as well?
Harrison Bollocks, bugger, piss.
Atkins How lovely, you know walking into here is like walking into a Noël Coward play, isn’t it, Jack? Michael, do you have to lean so far for – Doesn’t anyone from the north know how to sit on a chair? It’s very simple, just imagine it’s like a hay bale or coal sack, it’s exactly the same principle, you’ll get used to it.
Harrison Oi, you, that’s slander that is. (Moving to sit in a chair at a desk near Cocks.) Right that’s it. Michael? (Handing him a pad and pencil.) Take this down –
Cocks presses the peddle, lowering Harrison’s seat, handing the pad pack.
Harrison Thank you.
Harrison, Cocks and Mellish burst into laughter. The Tories sigh, though perhaps Weatherill struggles not to smile?
Harrison Eh, adjustable chairs! Kept them quiet, didn’t yer?
Mellish OK, look, I think we all know what’s happening, so just come clean, what do you want?
Atkins Three more Opposition supply days and Health to be on the 18th not 21st.
Mellish Two supply days, and yes to the 18th.
Atkins and Weatherill Done.
Atkins (standing) Gentlemen, that was thrilling. Nice try on the chair formation too, big fan of Trafalgar, aren’t you, Jack?
Harrison Ta ta ladies – looking beautiful as ever, Jack.
Cocks Actually, Jack, I’ve got a hole in my coat, would you mind sewing it up for me?
Weatherill Mm, I don’t think I have any ferret thread actually, but I’ll check. Ta’ra.
Beat. Harrison goes and opens the adjoining office door.
Harrison Ann! Joe!
Harper and Taylor enter. Mellish hands out cards.
Mellish Right, time to haul in the odds and sods, OK? Your job is to be like ghosts. Ninjas –
Harper (hand chop) Ha-yah!
Harrison (hand chop) Whup.
Mellish Floating through conversations, hiding in dark corners, your job is to listen. (With two books.) This one – secrets, financial problems, marital crises, things members want help with, or better still, will vote with us to keep secret. This one – hobbies, passions, anything they can be tempted with. Because as of today we’re in the process of making deals, it’s a system that survives on honour and trust, so use it. Joe, you take the Scots. Walter, the Irish –
Harrison Yup.
Mellish Ann, I want you to charm the Liberals, I’ve a gut instinct. Michael, try the Welsh.
Cocks The Welsh? All two of them?
Mellish Yes, all two of them, as important as the rest; these numbers. Hop it, the lot o’ yer.
Harper and Cocks exit, Harrison nips into the adjoining office, offstage.
Mellish (on the phone) Percy, I’m off to No.12 half an hour, I’ll need the car – Ann, could you just wait, one tick? (Phone again.) And get Angela to bring any casework too. Ta. (Phone down.) Here’s your region card, I’ve given you the North-West. These are our MPs, Labour, and now your responsibility, they’re the sheep, you’re the shepherd. Don’t ever bloody let on these lists exist. Members can’t stand the idea they get ticked off like shopping. If they’re not in to vote when asked, you’re responsible. We’ll only try to pair the dying or ministers off on duty.
Taylor ‘Pair’, right. Sorry. Remind …
Mellish It’s a sort of gentlemen’s agreement, ‘pairing’, goes back … well, for ever. When one of our lot can’t be here to vote due to, say, severe, and it has to be severe, illness, that or government business, it’s understood a member from the Opposition who would have voted the other way will sit out, so cancelling out each other’s vote.
Phone rings, he answers.
Mellish. Angela, hi – (To Taylor, from his pocket.) Here’s your screwdriver, keep it with you all times.
Mellish (on the phone) Yep, No.12 this afternoon, and I need you to move my Friday 1.0 to Monday 2.0. Ta. (Phone down. To Ann.) Flushing – take the top corridor north.
Taylor North top what?
Mellish Toilets. Flushing. When a vote’s called and the division bell rings you’ve eight minutes to get members through the lobby; each whip takes a toilet, go in and try and work out if the feet in the cubicle are Labour or not, if they are, flush ’em out. What else – oh, committees. Each bill has a committee stage after the second reading, amendments and changes are voted on there too, I’ll pop you on Pensions, nothing too mad at first. OK?
Harrison (out of the adjoining office) Irish are in the Strangers’, and have been since noon. Christ, I’m going to have to line my stomach. (Exits.)
Taylor Well. I suppose I was wondering … why me?
Mellish Why not? Quick up the party ladder, only 26, already made waves, no-bloody-brainer.
Taylor I suppose I’m just wondering … it’s obviously all quite … well ‘macho’. In here –
Mellish Oh, well, thank you.
Taylor And I just didn’t want to feel like the … oh, well, look, you know what. The ‘token girl’.
Mellish Well you are, though. (Off her look.) What? I’m the token cockney geezer, I get on side the other cockney geezers, Walter Harrison, he’s a Yorkshire Bruiser, he gets on side all the Yorkshire bruisers, I’ve got Lancashire good cops and East Midland bad cops, what I ain’t and never had is a one of you. Politics is representation, end of the day, eh?
Taylor Fine. Just don’t feel you have to tone it down –
Mellish Sod that – a bird in the office? We’ll be cranking it up. (Leading her out.) Like football?
Taylor Bolton Wanderers.
Mellish That’s a no, then.
Exiting with her …
Around the Lobby: the Strangers’ Bar, the Smoking Room, the Terrace, St Mary’s Crypt.
Speaker The Members for Belfast West, Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!
Strangers’ Bar. Harrison with the Irish members. Belfast West, the ringleader.
Fermanagh Bartender!
Belfast West The thing is, Walter, I hope you know what you’re asking us to do here.
Fermanagh If I’d known there were so many bars in Parliament, I’d have stood for election years ago, you know?
Belfast West I mean asking us, us, me, to blindly support you, the British Government – well you know, the ‘sort of’ government, bless yers – I hope you know what you’re actually asking. I mean Frank’s pub in Lisnaskea gets more fire bombs than it does friggin’ punters.
Armagh I’m happy to consider an arrangement, Walter, but it’s got to be give and take, you know? We’ve got to get something back.
Belfast North Like the boundary changes.
Belfast West Enough with your boundary changes, nothing wrong with the boundaries –
Armagh And the pipeline –
Belfast North Ooh yeah, the pipeline.
Harrison I can promise our door will always be open, nothing is off the table to our friends.
Belfast West Most of us signed up to abstain on bloody everything – protest.
Harrison Abstaining we can handle, just don’t walk through the lobby against us.
Belfast North So le – let me get this straight. You want us to do nothing, as soon as possible? (Thinks …) Alright, done.
Belfast West I’ll tell you what, nationalist though I may be, I’m still a Labour man at heart –
Fermanagh (at his beer) I can’t see how you keep the prices so low. What are your margins –
Belfast West On behalf of / the people of Belfast West –
Armagh (to Fermanagh) Christ on the cross, don’t tell ’em. They’ll hike it up.
Belfast West Would you stop your jabbering, I’m talking politics here.
Fermanagh Yeah, but there’s a time and a place.
Belfast West It’s a weekday afternoon in the House of Commons!
Fermanagh I stand by my original assertion.
Belfast West What I’m saying is: for asking so nicely, I’ll vote with you, for now, and we’ll see how we go. OK?
Harrison Smashing! And, ay up, look, I know it’s a bugger, travelling over here, leaving the family, so remember, you get flights and hotels for the missus. We can bring ’em over to stay, three times a year.
Fermanagh (lowering his drink, exchanging glances) Don’t you fuckin’ dare!
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison steps to his blackboard, wiping figures from the opposition side, reducing their total. He heads out, Taylor and Mellish closely behind him, getting ready to vote.
Mellish It’s what makes our job so hard, it’s about flesh and blood at the end of the day, you vote with your bodies. You can’t phone it in from China, can’t send it through the post, can’t even stay sat and raise your hand. Unless you put one foot in front of the other and pass through the lobby, you don’t count. It’s archaic, it’s old-fashioned, it’s bollocks; but somehow it works.
Speaker The Question is, that the Rate Support Grant Bill be now read a second time.
The Division Bell rings.
An element of music may begin to creep in over the votes here – building in momentum.
In the lobby. The ‘Aye’ lobby to one side, the ‘No’ lobby to the other; in each, a tight spot on a Teller, sitting like an umpire in a high chair, holding a clip board.
Members begin filing by, right to left, as the Teller counts them – on the ‘Aye’ side, Harrison waving and cajoling his Government supporters through; on the ‘No’ side, Weatherill doing the same for the Opposition.
The Speaker stands in the Chamber.
Speaker Ayes to the right, 292. Noes to the left, 217. The Ayes have it. The Ayes have it.
Harrison punches the air in delight. He and Weatherill glare at each other.
Speaker The Members for Western Isles, Argyll, Dundee East and Stirlingshire!
The Tea Room. Harper drinking tea with the Scots. Western Isles their Party Leader.
Western Isles It feels funny, us wee Scot Nats getting this ‘romantic’ attention, suddenly. Before the last election, I was the only one here. I had to ‘whip’ myself. (Laughing.) And I still couldn’t always get the bugger into the lobby!
Harper It’s a manifesto pledge to vote on Scottish devolution and you know full bloody well a Tory Government wouldn’t put that forward, right? If we make it through the summer, everything points to us calling another election and getting a majority. Once that happens, we can start getting stuff done. The big stuff. Together.
Western Isles If you promise to make devolution a priority, we’ll promise not to join a coup against you, OK?
Speaker The Question is, that new Clause 4 to the Finance Bill be now read a second time.
The Division Bell rings. The music returning …
The Lobby – as before. Whips either side, led by Harrison and Weatherill waving their members through, and being counted themselves. When done, they stare at each other.
Speaker Ayes to the right, 299. Noes to the left, 308. The Noes have it. The Noes have it.
Weatherill displays (dignified) pleasure. Harrison tears up his order paper. They part.
Speaker The Members for Merioneth and Caernarfon!
The River Terrace.
Cocks smoking with the Welsh – Merioneth and Caernarfon.
Merioneth No Bob or Walter today? The big guns aiming at the big targets, then, are they?
Cocks The … ? No, I, I wanted, we wanted the Welsh voices to be heard, see.
Merioneth Like a couple of mice, singing in the cats’ choir? (Finishes his fag and flicks it over the side.) I’ve never liked the Thames. It looks … diseased.
Alright, look, go back to your bosses and tell ’em this can be a … like a rolling thing, what do I mean, like a case-by-case basis, OK? (To Caernarfon.) You happy with that?
Caernarfon smokes. Nods. Flicks his fag over the side.
Merioneth Alright, there you are. Alright? (Offers his hand.) New for you this, is it?
Cocks (beat; takes his hand and shakes) It’s – new for everyone.
Merioneth Remember. Authority is an abstract. If you convince people you have it, then you have it. OK?
They exit, leaving Cocks alone. He stares out, finishing his fag. He goes to flick it in the river, but doesn’t. Drops it to the floor and gently puts it out with his foot.
Speaker The Question is that the Health and Safety at Work Bill be now read a second time.
The bell rings, the lobby swings into action again …
Speaker Ayes to the right, 251. Noes to the left, 207. The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it!
The Members for Western Isles, Argyll and Dundee East!
The Tea Room. The Scottish Nationalists as before, now with Weatherill.
Weatherill No doubt their lot will be trying to woo you as well, but for our part –
Western Isles They already have. Got here first.
Weatherill They … ? Ah. I see.
Western Isles Jack, you know I respect you, everyone respects you, it’s nothing personal. We’re not walking down the aisle with them but we’re not leaving in the middle of the ceremony either. Not yet anyway. I’m sorry.
Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!
The St Mary’s Undercroft Crypt.
Taylor and Peebles, sitting with his head in his hands.
Taylor I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt your – I didn’t know you were praying –
Peebles I’m not praying, I’m thinking.
Taylor It’s a bit creepy down here, isn’t it?
Peebles We all need somewhere to go …
You know this chapel is over 450 years old. I find clarity in the dignified silence of old things. Centuries’ worth of human endeavour helps put one’s own troubles into a kind of context. I find. (Beat. He stands.) So, Miss Taylor –
Taylor Mrs.
Peebles Let us be clear. We won’t be advising our members to do anything but uphold the principals of the Liberal Party. If they happen to coalesce with yours. then fine and dandy.
Taylor If the Tories call a Vote of No Confidence, would you support it?
Peebles Well. We don’t currently not have confidence in you.
Taylor Spoken like a true politician.
Peebles How would you know, you’ve barely been one for a day? Can I give you a bit of advice? The observations of a third party in a two-party system? A Conservative government always eventually falls because they believe themselves entitled to power. And Labour governments always fall … because they don’t. Just a thought.
Speaker The Members for Merioneth and Caernarfon!
The River Terrace, again.
Weatherill with the Welsh Members.
Weatherill Look, I know traditionally our parties are at opposite ends of the spectrum but –
Merioneth Labour would give us and the Scots devolution, come on.
Weatherill Help us bring them down and you’d get an election. Swell your ranks a bit.
Merioneth Nah. Too risky. Sorry, Jack.
He pats his arm, and leaves. Weatherill alone on the terrace.
Government Whips’ Office.
Cocks at a desk, a portable recorder playing a tape. Mellish, Harper and Taylor listening.
Walsall North (off, recorded) ‘I’m floating on my back down the Thames. Underneath … what? Lambeth I suppose. Lambeth Bridge … And then I … ’
Harrison (entering) I got Blyth with us tonight, Independent.
Mellish Shh. Listen.
Walsall North (recorded) ‘ … I turn my head. And I see that … that the Houses of Parliament are on fire. And suddenly the Thames turns to … it turns into blood. Like oil in the darkness.’
Harrison Who the bloody hell’s that?
Cock Walsall North. A tape, someone left for us. Anonymous.
Walsall North (recorded) ‘ … and then I see the bodies. Hundreds of them. I recognise them. MPs. They’re flowing out of a hole in the palace. Face down in the blood … ’
Cocks What is it, some kind of therapy session. What?
Mellish (presses stop on the tape) Shit. What’s his history? Walsall North, he’s … ?
Harrison Businessman. Investments. Married, three kids –
Mellish Oh yeah, yeah, Postmaster General in the last … and loyal, right? Far as we know.
Taylor (with a file) His last question in the house was about drowning statistics.
Harrison We need to contain this, don’t want to be losing bloody seats ’cause of nutters.
Mellish Cocks, you call him in.
Cocks Me?
Mellish Ann, go round his missus, have a cup of tea. And his assistant too, uh, ‘Sheila’ – and don’t shoot me a look, alright? It’s not ’cause you a woman, you’re just the – nicest.
Taylor (phone rings) Yes, Chief. (She answers.) Ann Taylor.
Harrison (at blackboard) Right, tonight’s big one, Social Security, it’s tight, only a couple in it.
Mellish (clapping his hands) Keep at it, all of you, come on. Right, pairing. / Joe, you ready?
Cocks (on his phone) John. It’s Michael Cocks. Could you pop down … ?
Taylor Alright, thank you. (Putting her phone down.)
Mellish Ann, time to see some pairing in action, we’ve got one off sick, Batley, and a minister away. Joe, it’s your time to shine –
Everyone except Cocks exits into –
The Lobby. Government Whips one side, Opposition the other. Warming up their men …
Mellish Alright, Joe, remember, if we don’t cancel out our absentees, we’re down by two.
Weatherill (with Silvester) Right, we’ve got two of our chaps struggling to be here, but I’ve done this job, alright, I know the form. Let them show their hand first, act like it’s no bother to you whether you find a pair or not. Right?
Silvester Right. (Marching forward.)
Harrison (also marching forward, calling so the other side hears) And in the red corner, Joe ‘Hard Man’ Harper.
Harper gives a thumbs-up back to them. Silvester looks back to his team, expectantly.
Atkins … Uh, And in the Blue … I can’t, I’m sorry.
Silvester (with his book) Alright, Harper. Let’s get this over with.
Harper (with his) Yes, well, as you know the Foreign Secretary is at the summit, and so courtesy dictates you take one of your boys out when a minister is away.
Silvester That’s of course fine, we’ll send one of our boys home.
Harper And then another pair. For Batley. Ill at home. Any of your boys needing to slip away?
Silvester (looks over his shoulder) Well. Poor Batley. Fine, we’ll pair him too. And may the best men win.
Speaker The Member for Walsall North!
Government Whips’ Office.
Walsall North, distracted and contemplative, is being shown in by Cocks.
Cocks John. Come in. Take a seat. Not too far, though. Ahah.
Walsall North Not too … ?
Cocks The seat. Don’t take it too … because we need it – doesn’t – would you like a drink or anything, drop of the old – or … ?
Walsall North Uh, no. No thank you. (Beat. Realises he’s not sitting. Sits.)
Cocks (sits) So how – You know. Are you?
Walsall North … I’m … (Clears his throat.) I’m fine. Thank you. (Beat.) And how are you?
Cocks Oh, you know. Yes, no yeah. Business alright, all your different … businesses?
Walsall North My … They’re, wh – has, why, has. Has someone …
Cocks No. No, I’m just asking. We’ve got you chalked down for the vote, right?
Walsall North Chalk – (Chuckles.) Uh, yes, you have me ‘chalked down’, Michael.
Such an odd feeling, isn’t it? I mean what are we now, getting on to ten – may very well be here till, what, one, one-two. Making the laws of the land, while the land we’re doing it for is dark outside, popped off to bed. Unaware. Just silence. Bar the sound of the river.
Cocks Ignorance is bliss, eh? All that.
Walsall North ‘Ignorance is … ’ Yes that’s … Very …
Ever wonder why they built this on the river? Sort of does give that appearance of floating, doesn’t it? Like an ark. To ‘save us all, when the flood comes’ …
People often say that the sea makes them sad, but it’s not the sea, is it? It’s the beach. When you’re out at sea, it’s actually extraordinarily peaceful, but on the beach, looking out at the sea … one can’t help but suddenly feel so … erm … mortal. So aware that one has only a self-contained amount of time. Course you know why, don’t you? It’s because the sound of the tide is the sound of breathing. Sucking air in … and pushing it back out. That’s what we’re listening to, as we stand on the edge of the world, having come as far as we can go. We’re listening to our own mortality. Ebbing away. The saddest sound in the world.
Cocks … You ever been to Blackpool beach? They have the illuminations, along the sea front. The golden mile. It doesn’t have that, that … lonely feeling. Donkey rides as well.
Walsall North Really? Donkey rides?
Cocks For children. Yeah. Just going back and forth –
Walsall North Back and forth?
Cocks Yeah, the … donkeys. Along the beach.
Walsall Donkeys. Back and forth, along the beach …
Cocks (pause; stands; offers his hand) Well. Cheers, John.
Walsall North looks at Cocks’s hand for a moment before shaking it.
Speaker The Question is, that the Social Security Amendment Bill be now read a second time.
The Division Bell rings.
The music builds again as the different whips join their different members in different places.
Speaker The Member for Ilford North!
Ilford North I’m just not sure it’s in the interest of my constituents. Perhaps if I had … oh, I don’t know, a nice easy chair in my office, that might make me feel more … ‘comfortable’?
Harper An easy chair?! (Sighs, writes it down.) Right, easy chair.
Speaker Member for Thurrock?!
Taylor So that’s one new carpet and we’ll see about a place on the Science Committee. Deal?
Speaker Member for Coventry North West!
Harrison (pulling him in, close) Maurice, you voting?!
Coventry North West (scared) Yes.
Harrison Good.
The lobby swings into action as before, Members being counted through.
Speaker Ayes to the right, 282. Noes to the left, 280. The ayes … just … have it!
Cocks staring out. Audio snippets of the October 1974 General Election play out. The Labour Party gains 18 seats to win a tiny majority in the House of three. Labour 319 seats, the Tories 276.
The music reaches its climax and ends.
Members’ Lobby.
Harrison spills out from a celebration in the Government Whips’ Office, holding a drink, catching Weatherill heading to his Opposition side.
Harrison Oh, Jack, I’m glad I caught you. Listen, I wanted some new curtains for our office, you couldn’t stitch me up a pair could you? Maybe some doilies and a little cushion?
Weatherill You know they say humour is often a way of masking deep insecurities, Walter.
Harrison Oh is that what they say, oh right. Insecurities? Us lot? We’ve just gained a majority in the house, mate, home and dry.
Weatherill Home and dry, with a majority of three? What of heavy traffic, what of children’s violin recitals, what of births and deaths and twisting your ankle. Three MPs can disappear from a vote like that. You may as well be hung –
Harrison I bet we’re in for the full five years.
Weatherill (laughs; stops; beat) You’re not serious?
Harrison Tenner says I’m right.
Weatherill … Very well. Five years. (Shakes his hand.) Easiest money I ever made.
Speaker The Member for Bromsgrove and Redditch!
Opposition Whips’ Office – ‘319 v. 316’ on the board.
Atkins looks at the board. Silvester stands with Redditch ‘rehearsing’ as Weatherill enters.
Redditch ‘In my home, we, we have a, a Lord Chancellor’s purse, and, and a black rod –’
Atkins Arse. Sorry.
Weatherill That’s alright, Chief, emotions running high and all that.
Silvester (to Redditch) Calm, Hal. Better to go slow and not trip up, than fast and wobbly.
Weatherill Maiden speech, is it?
Atkins Listen to Fred, Hal, he’s one of these new, modern, professional types. Knows how to work a crowd –
Silvester You’ll be tip-top, nothing to worry about.
Redditch (nervously crumpling his speech) Alright for you lot. As whips you’re banned from speaking in the House, aren’t you?
Atkins From speaking anywhere, old boy; we don’t exist. You won’t hear our names called.
Weatherill What is it today, Industry and Energry?
Atkins (mock gasp) Oh no. ‘Mr Benn’. Bristol South East. Scary.
Redditch Christ, I hadn’t even expected to be here. I was only standing in Redditch ’cause I was told it was a no-hoper. They bloody-well lied. Needles everywhere, you know that? Half the world’s needles, made in sodding …
Atkins (sighs at the board) Oh blast it all, I really did think we’d have them out by now.
Redditch I was holding out for Cheam, or Chester. A ‘ch’ place, a nice little English ‘ch’ place. Not ‘Redditch’, listen to that. It’s not a name, it’s a fucking noise. What is it, ‘Redditch’? Sounds like a frog vomiting.
Silvester (phone rings, answers) Silvester?
Atkins Wonder where it comes from, actually. ‘Redditch’.
Redditch Oh, I don’t know. Psoriasis? God knows.
Silvester (phone down) Plymouth Sutton on his way down, Deputy. And you’re up, Hal.
Redditch (leaving) And they told me it was Worcestershire. Another lie!
Atkins It is Worcestershire.
Redditch Oh Humphrey, it’s Birmingham. Everybody knows it is, listen to the sodding accent. I imagined meadows and steeples and farmyards and haystacks. Well, do you know what, shall I tell you something? You can’t find a haystack in Redditch cause of all the fucking needles! (He exits.)
Atkins (handing a file to Weatherill) From Ted. Shadow Cabinet reshuffle, we’ve got an advanced nod of some of the difficult ones, give them warning of bad news.
Weatherill Only three in it, Chief. Block some of their big stuff, call a Confidence vote –
Atkins And how do we block them? Our lot will be bored and demoralised, it’s going to take all we’ve got to keep them coming in for every vote, all the time, and the other side seem to have successfully seduced the sods.
Weatherill (a touch tetchy?) I’m working on that, Chief.
Atkins You like that, Fred? Bit of alliteration – ‘Successfully – seducing – sods’.
Silvester Actually, I believe that’s assonance.
Weatherill and Atkins glower at him. He buckles.
Silvester Or, perhaps not.
Speaker The Member for Chelmsford!
Chelmsford (entering) Humphrey, Jack.
Atkins Norman, do come in; look we’ll get straight to it, you’re getting a call from Ted, he wants you round his table.
Chelmsford Oh? Oh, well, smashing.
Speaker Member for Plymouth Sutton!
Plymouth Sutton (knocking, entering) You rang, m’lords?
Weatherill Evening, Alan.
Plymouth Sutton (to Weatherill) Everything alright?
Atkins (to Chelmsford) It’s Education
Chelmsford … Education?
Plymouth Sutton (to Chelmsford) Oh well done, old cock.
Chelmsford Uh, thanks, Alan. I … I suppose I was interested in Foreign, / that’s all, but …
Plymouth Sutton (rubbing his hands) Right, well what have you got for me, then, eh?
Weatherill (to Plymouth Sutton, handing him a note) Complaint from the Serjeant at Arms.
Atkins Well, try and looked surprised and above all pleased, won’t you?
Plymouth Sutton (taking it) Complaint? What about?
Weatherill Apparently you now have three cars in the underground car park.
Plymouth Sutton Oh, come on.
Chelmsford All academic I suppose, anyway.
Weatherill Alan, there’s a good chap, three cars, all parked here?
Plymouth Sutton Well, the other Friday, I had a drink, didn’t I, for the, that thing, and got a taxi home. Which meant I had to drive in a new car on Monday.
Weatherill And the third car?
Plymouth Sutton Well, because I ruddy-well had a drink last Friday, didn’t I, so I had to drive in with a different car this Monday! If anyone can think of a better way to get around, then –
Weatherill I see, so this will just keep happening until the car park becomes your showroom –
Atkins (scribbling down a note and handing it to him) If you insist on parking more that one vehicle I suggest you use the car park beneath Church House, that always has more space.
Plymouth Sutton sighs, takes it, and exits.
Atkins Norman, what did you mean just then. ‘All academic anyway’, what does that mean?
Chelmsford Well. You know. This is all assuming that Ted stays as leader, isn’t it.
Atkins (beat) Am I to gather that this is an assumption not everyone in the party is making?
Chelmsford Oh come on, don’t give me that, Humphrey, another election loss, wind knocked out of the party’s sails. Bound to be talk, isn’t there?
Atkins Is there?
Chelmsford (beat; different tack) Say, what’s all this gossip about Thorpe? Male model –
Weatherill We have absolutely no interest in any rumours or hearsay regarding the leader of the Liberal Party, Norman. Perhaps if everyone were more focused on Labour instead, it wouldn’t be the Shadow Cabinet you’d be stepping into.
Opens the door for him. Chelmsford leaves.
Atkins (beat; goes it) Sod it, let’s head this off at the pass, shall we? Round up the usual suspects, let’s see what they know.
Weatherill Chief.
Atkins (at the door, quick beat) It wasn’t assonance, was it?
Weatherill No.
Atkins Good. (Exits.)
Weatherill It was sibilance. (Picks up his phone, and dials.)
Speaker The Member for Abingdon!
Cleaners’ cupboard. Atkins, Weatherill and Abingdon upturning buckets etc. to sit on.
Abingdon Really, we couldn’t we have gone for a walk around St James’s Park, like the old days? Wearing carnations, meeting on the bridge? ‘The seagulls fly south’, all that.
Atkins Who are you and Taunton trying to get to challenge Ted for the leadership? Someone from the Right. We’re guessing Leeds?
Abingdon Why, do you think he would win?
Atkins Yes.
Abingdon Huh. That’s not very loyal, is it?
Weatherill Airey, the whips’ job isn’t to favour one man over the other, but it is to try and orchestrate a fair and bloodless conquest that won’t damage the party.
Abingdon You think I … ? Hah, come on, chaps, I don’t want to damage the Party, damage is being done to the Party, to the country. It’s time to wake up from this, this slow lurch to the Left that we’ve been sleepwalking into since the end of the war, no questions asked. This country is being kept alive on aspirin when what it needs is electric bloody shock therapy.
Weatherill Who. Are you putting up. To stand? Is it Leeds?
Abingdon (beat) Finchley.
Atkins (beat; smiles) Oh I see. ‘Finchley’, you sly dog. None of the big guns were brave enough to go over first so you’re sending in some cannon fodder to test the ground – a lamb to the slaughter.
Abingdon Lamb, don’t make me laugh, have you ever spent any time with her?
Atkins She’ll lose, but the challenge will weaken Ted enough to get the generals over safely, finish him off. Who?
Abingdon Lowestoft. Leeds North East. East Surrey. Perhaps Yeovil.
Atkins (writing them down) Right. Well. We’d better start canvassing opinion, hadn’t we?
Abingdon You’re not going to tell him, are you?
Atkins Well, wouldn’t you prefer to know you’re about to … (picking it up) kick the bucket?
Government Whips’ Office.
The Whips assembled – Harrison just finished writing a big +3 on the blackboard.
Mellish So, let’s not get carried away, eh, but it gives us a bit of breathing space, we might be able to start getting some of our bigger stuff through. (Handing out files.) Starting with a referendum on staying in or getting out of Europe, and then Scottish and Welsh devolution. PM’s agreed that Europe should be a free vote, no whipping.
Harper They can vote the way they like? Blimey, what’s that mean, night off?
Mellish Maybe, but tonight isn’t, lets not get complacent, you’ve got your lists, make sure your sheep are happy, charm ’em, make ’em feel loved.
Speaker The Member for Batley and Morley!
Batley (entering, frail) Evening, all.
Mellish (phone to his ear) Whey, it’s the Doc! We love the Doc. (Exits.)
Batley (at Taylor) Oh, hello young lady, alright?
Harrison Ann, this is Doc Broughton, member for Batley. Doc, this is Ann, Bolton.
Taylor Nice to meet you, Doc, how you keeping?
Batley Oh, fair to middling – well, actually, uh, Walter, that’s sort of what I was, uh … (More privately.) I’ve got a hospital, you know, thing, tomorrow and well … there’s a train back up leaving in twenty, I didn’t know whether I might, uh –
Harrison Doc, don’t you worry about it, get yourself gone, Channel Tunnel Bill’s home and bloody dry, we’ll pair you up. Ey, Joe?
Harper Ay, will do, Doc, I’m a dab hand now.
Harrison Can’t have you popping your clogs here, can we? After all, ‘Nobody / dies in the Palace’.
Batley ‘ … dies in the Palace of Westminster’, ha ha, yeah.
Taylor What does that mean, ‘Nobody dies’?
Harrison Oh, it’s just this … a silly old rule; no one’s meant to snuff it here, even if they do they won’t be pronounced dead until they’re halfway across Westminster Bridge, or arrive at St Thomas’s. No one has ever died here. Technically. It’s just a thing.
Batley Ay, well, thing or not, I, uh … (More privately.) Well, ’nuther time ’nuther place, obviously, but if we could get round to have that little chat about … you know, me moving on this term.
Harrison Oh Doc, we just don’t want to see you go, that’s all.
Batley Oh, don’t play soft. Look, I held Batley for you in the election as promised, but now it looks like we’re home and dry, you know, numbers wise, I … well. Happen it’s time I hung up me boots, as it were. Seat’s as safe as houses, you’d hold it in a by-election, no trouble.
Harrison Doc, if that’s what you want, we’ll sort something out. I promise.
All leave except Cocks and Taylor.
Cocks Alright, Ann?
Taylor Yeah, fine. I think. Hard to tell, I suppose, isn’t it. I’m not sure what I’m meant to be judging my performance by, except getting everyone on my list in when we need them.
Cocks And the job, the life? This place? The late nights, and rowdy tossers – no trouble?
Taylor I’ve stood in front of a classroom and taught a pack of kids. It’s the same principle. It … I mean, I’m not saying … it does take a bit of getting used to. Being away from home, Sunday to Thursday, week in, week –
Cocks An empty London box room while your kids are growing up without you.
Taylor … Something like that. (Beat.) I shouldn’t wonder if people had an opinion of that. Me.
Cocks Let ’em. Course, harder for us, our side. As a rule we come from further away. Half of them lot live in London, anyway. I rememb – This is funny now, but I imagined it’d feel like being a rock star, when I started. Like being away on tour. But it’s … you know, not …
Taylor No wonder they all prop up the bars till the early hours. Nothing else to do. Nowhere else to go. How do you do it. Wife, family? Home?
Cocks … I don’t know, Ann.
Taylor (beat; looks at the board) ’S it enough to stay alive, then, d’you reckon? Three?
Cocks Yeah, technically. Just so long as it don’t go down.
Speaker The member for Walsall North!
In the Commons Chamber, Walsall North stands.
The Members’ Chorus sing a choral version of ‘Rock ’n’ Roll Suicide’ by David Bowie as Walsall North steps from the bench.
Sound of the sea. He lights a cigarette. Kicks off his shoes. Takes off his trousers.
Smokes. Unbuttons and takes off his shirt. Smokes.
He walks … and disappears.
The Government Whips’ Office. Harrison wipes out ‘+3’ and replaces it with ‘+2’.
Mellish Just his clothes left. Strewn along on the bloody beach. Miami. Christ …
Cock And there … there was no, there was no like, body, or … or a note or – ?
Harrison Mad bugger. Should have known. We should have fuckin’ – sorry Ann – known.
Cocks Yeah, but, I mean, you say, you know, you say that but … ha, it’s, it’s, you, it …
Ann (with the book) Oh Jesus. His last question in the House. Remember? Drowning statistics.
Harper Jesus.
Cocks He … he sa – I mean, what, what more could you do, just –
Mellish Nowt. Couldn’t do nowt, not our fault people of this country vote in friggin’ lunatics, is it? We just have to make sure we don’t bloody well lose any more of ’em, Christ. (Jacket on, making to go.) Joe, what are these grumblings from Paisley and Ayrshire, your list?
Harper Sure it’s all piss and wind, Chief, they’re just trying to set cat among the pigeons.
Harrison Devolution, Chief, Scotland. Threatening to leave the party if it’s not set in motion.
Mellish Keep ’em in line, please! We won’t be held to ransom. Just two in it. Two! No more! (Exits, slamming the door.)
Speaker The Member for Woolwich West!
House of Commons Chamber. The Member for Woolwich West stands, clutching his heart …
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison replaces ‘+2’ on the board with ‘+1’. He steps out, into –
The lobby. Harrison passing Weatherill.
Weatherill Sorry to hear about old Woolwich, Walter. Bad bit of luck.
Harrison Oh. aye, yeah, ’specially taking his seat in the by-election, you must all be weeping –
Weatherill (stern) Walter.
Harrison Al – alright, fine, look sorry. Oi. Jack. (Means it.) I’m sorry. (Removes his handkerchief.) Look, cheer yourself up, do a bit of embroidery in that. Go on, wife’s always tellin’ me how tatty it is, could stitch a pattern in it.
Weatherill (smiling) I think I’ll pass if it’s all the same.
Harrison Oh yeah, big day today, eh? All change. When are the results in?
Weatherill Walter, I don’t doubt for a second that you’ll probably know before we do.
Harrison Looks like we’re staying in for the full five though, eh, gone past the year mark now.
Weatherill You can be smug all you want, Walter, all it means is you’re in power as the economy worsens and the blame can be on you. Not long now, though, until the profits from North Sea oil start pumping in, and we’ll take over just in time to spend it.
Harrison Alright, double the bet. Twenty?
Weatherill Done.
They shake, and part, Weatherill stepping into –
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins on the phone, Silvester, and Abingdon. Weatherill enters.
Speaker Member for Abingdon!
Atkins No, I understand, Ted. I can only apologise that our numbers were a bit off. Everything pointed towards you scraping through. (Listens.) Well. That’s very graceful of you. Ta-ta. (Phone down.) Well, there you go, Airey. (Handing him the results.) Looks like your stalking horse has ‘accidentally’ arrived home first. 130 to 119. Con-gra-tu-lations.
Abingdon takes the results, slightly agog.
Atkins Seems everyone thought everyone else would vote for Ted, so no harm in registering a little protest. Funny how things work out, eh.
Abingdon She’s going to surprise you. You know. I was, I mean I admit, that wasn’t what I’d … or any of us had … but. She’s going to surprise you.
Weatherill Well, then. (Grabbing his things.) I suppose we’d better go and pay her a visit.
The Lobby. Silvester facing Harper. Pairing books at the ready.
Harper A handful of our lot off ill for your Trade Union amendment, I’m afraid. Batley, again –
Silvester The Doc? Still?
Harper Emphysema. Leeds Hospital. Also St Helen’s, Glasgow Garscarden, and Thurrock.
Silvester Some might wonder why on earth we should be taking so many of our boys out.
Harper Yeah, they might. But they wouldn’t be people of honour, would thee? Upholding an age-old tradition.
Silvester Yeah, alright, keep your braces on. One of our trickier customers has a boat show they’re trying to get to, that’ll bring him on side. Say, this stuff about Thorpe, eh? Didn’t come from your lot, did it? Young male lover. Attempted assassination. All nonsense, of course. Must be.
Harper Before I came into politics, Frederick, I would have agreed with you.
The Division Bell rings. In the Lobby, the Teller climbs atop his stool as Members scuttle through the small shaft of light, one after the other, being counted.
Speaker The Question is, that Opposition Amendment No. 101 to the Trade Union and Labour Relations Bill be made.
Ayes to the right, 290. Noes to the left … 291! The Noes have it! The Noes have it!
Government Whips’ Office. Mellish hurls some papers across the room. Harper’s on the phone.
Mellish One! We’re only scraping through by bloody one, now! Shit!
Cocks … Least we won it though, Chief.
Mellish We can’t have it hanging on a fucking knife edge like this, right? We need to be secure.
Harrison Odds and sods are restless, starting to ask what they’re getting in return for their support. It’s becoming harder to –
Mellish Yes, well, it’s about to get a whole lot fucking worse. Ann, shut that door. Joe, off that fucking phone, now please.
Harper Chief, I’m just –
Mellish (takes the receiver slams it down) Ann, sorry for all the fucking swearing.
Taylor It’s alright, Chief.
Mellish This don’t leave the room. Only Cabinet Secretary and me knows, right? (Sighs.) The PM. He’s going. Summertime.
Harper You what? No.
Mellish He never intended to see out a full term, and with Finchley bringing … well, a surprising amount of unity and energy to the Opposition … it feels like the right time.
Harper Or the worst possible time – Jesus!
Harrison He’s just old, Joe. We’re all just bloody old.
Mellish Gets more interesting. We’ve had our own intelligence about this mad case of Thorpe on the Liberal side. Straight from the top. And Walter’s met with Peebles. Walter?
Harrison Basically, he an’t got a fart in the wind’s chance of riding this one out, even though from what we can tell it’s all a bucket of bullshit, no evidence. Accusation from this male model that he and him were … well, and that Thorpe then tried to bump him off.
Mellish Who needs bloody Crossroads, ey?
Harrison Either way, all signs point to him being arrested within the month. ‘Attempted murder’, no less, so …
Taylor The Liberal leader, accused of … ?
Harper Blimey.
Mellish So it’ll be all change, three new leaders in the space of months, which means our alliances are shaky at best.
Harper A three-way changeover in one Parliament? That ever happen before? –
Mellish What does that matter, it’s happening now. (Pointing at the board, ‘+1’.) And it doesn’t get more fragile than that, does it? If Paisley and Ayrshire follow through with their threat of jumping ship, regardless of our threats, we’re back to hung again.
Harper Huh. Has that ever happened before?
Mellish Joe, I’ll save you some time, just assume that, in this Parliament, all bets are off. First things first though, once it’s announced the PM’s going, we’re going to have to start canvassing our lot, see what the word is on a replacement. (Phone rings.) What? (Listens, beat …) You’re having a laugh, don’t muck about. (Shock, puts the phone down.) They’ve found him …
Harrison What? Who?
Mellish Hah! He’s alive! Ha ha … he’s only a-bloody-well-live!
He runs to the board and replaces ‘+1’ with ‘+2’, laughing.
Speaker The Member for Walsall North!
Westminster Clock Tower – ‘Old Prison Cell’.
Walsall North sits, hands between his legs, looking weak. Cocks and Mellish.
Walsall North You look worse than I do. And I’m dead …
Hello Michael, nice to see you again. I’m sorry for the undue … everything. Where is this?
Mellish Just somewhere out the way, no prying eyes.
Cocks It’s the old prison cell, base of the Clock Tower.
Mellish A member’s not been locked in here for sixty years, thought we’d reinstate the tradition.
Cock What … what was it, John? Just. The business, or your –
Walsall North Oh, I suppose just everything really. I knew the police would catch up with the fraud. I was having these dreams, too, really … really quite … Oh, and I fell in love, of course.
Cocks With your secretary.
Walsall North Ye-es, she told me you’d been asking questions. Whoopsy-daisy, you.
Mellish We hear you’re looking at maybe six months. Not bad for … how many counts?
Walsall North Uh, tweny-one, I think. Yes, forgery, wasting police time, um, falsifying accounts … uh, oh, faking my own death, of course, that’s a big one.
Mellish When they got you, the Australian police thought they’d found Lord Lucan.
Walsall North (chuckling) I know. I had to pull me trousers down, so they could search for the scar. Ha ha. Still, poor them. Thinking they’d found a murdering Earl, and all they got was the Member for Walsall North. How is it, by-the-by? Good ol’ Walsall North? I suppose it’s not my problem now, is it?
Mellish You bet your bottom dollar it is, mate.
Walsall North Hmm? (Beat.) You’re not getting rid of me?
Mellish Oh, don’t think in any other situation you wouldn’t be out on your bloody bum, mate. But we can’t. Not yet. Majority’s too thin. With a suspended sentence you can stay on till we’re out of the danger zone and then piss off.
Walsall North No. No, I’m not staying here, I can’t stay in the House. I’ll resign.
Mellish Can’t resign, John. 1623 Resolution, no MP can resign, only be booted out. Fact.
Walsall North Oh yes I can. The Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds. (Taking a book from under his chair.) From the House of Commons Library, wonderful thing really. (Opening it up.) Act of Settlement 1701: ‘An MP who accepts an office of profit must resign.’ That’s why the fictional post of ‘Crown Steward and Bailiff of the Chiltern Hundreds’ was created as a pretext for resignation. First used by John Pitt in 1751. (Snapping the book closed.) So there. I’m sorry. But …
Mellish (standing, grabbing him) You’re bloody well staying, right?! You’re staying here!
Walsall North (limply) Can’t you feel it?! Can’t you hear it … Listen! … it’s creaking. She’s moaning … it’s over. The whole thing is dying –
Mellish Enough of that, John, we know you were bullshitting the loony bastard stuff –
Walsall North How can you not feel it … it’s diseased … let it die. You have to let her die …
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison with Harper and Ann.
Harrison Right, lists out, how we looking? I’ve got Ebbw Vale in the lead from my lot.
Ann Me too, Cardiff South East close second, Bristol South East in with a shot.
Harrison Let’s see yours Joe, try and tot this up. (Counting on fingers.) 38 plus your 60 is …
Mellish (entering) Arsehole. (Going to the board, replacing ‘+2’ with ‘+1’.) Walsall North’s going, we should assume we won’t keep the seat either. (Chucking the chalk.) Bollocks.
How’s the leadership looking, support?
Harrison Close call between Ebbw Vale and Cardiff, though reckon there’s more support for Bristol South East than folk are letting on.
Mellish Bristol? Jesus. See, this is what I’m talking about, divisive candidates, it’s the last –
Harrison Oi, and whatever happened to neutrality, Chief?
Mellish I am bloody neutral, I’m just saying, I can see the road ahead, this rate, seen it before, no one does that self- … what’s it, thing, better than Labour.
Ann ‘Self-’ what thing?
Mellish You know with the – (Imitates self flagellation.) Where you hit yourself on the – it don’t matter. What time is it … ? Quarter to ten. Get off into the lobby, I’ll see you there.
The others leave as Mellish shuffles papers. Stops. Thinking …
He picks up his phone and dials a number, sitting at his desk.
Mellish Hello, it’s Bob. … Uh, I wondered if you were around at all later? Somewhere private. I, got some numbers. And I just kind of … well, wanted to pledge my own personal support.
Members’ Lobby. Weatherill passes Harrison.
Weatherill Oh, what’s up, Walter. ‘Trouble at mill’?
Harrison Nothing to worry your pretty little head over, Jack.
Weatherill Risky business this, change of leader, takes a crack team of whips with the trust and respect of their members to achieve it calmly, smoothly.
Harrison Oi, don’t teach your gran to suck eggs, right?
Weatherill Confident this won’t ruin your five-year plan?
Harrison Confident enough to raise it to fifty. (Offers his hand.)
Weatherill (shakes) Done.
The House of Commons Rifle Range.
Atkins fires a few shots at the targets and reloads. Weatherill behind him.
Weatherill They’re scared. Halfway across the tightrope and they’re having to change poles; it could go either way.
Atkins Good. So we just have to sit back and let them do what they do best. Tear themselves apart. It’s the best way to hunt, you know Jack-my-lad. Let the target come to you. (Fires. Reloads.) I don’t know why I’m not down here more often. Very relaxing.
Weatherill Careful. They’re trying to get rid of it. Sits incongruously inside a modern political establishment, apparently.
Atkins Huh. Really. (Aims.) I would have thought it entirely in keeping … (Fires.)
The Government Whips’ Office. Mellish and Cocks. Mellish is packing his things into a box.
Cocks I don’t … Bob, it doesn’t … I mean, Jesus. Why?
Mellish Backed the wrong horse, didn’t I? Ebbw Vale. You play your cards …
Cocks Why di – Why did you even back a horse? You always said we had to be –
Mellish Yeah and I’m right, you should be. I ju – I just wanted … oh, I dunno, Michael. I just got sick of this, being in the heart of the bloody kitchen, cleaning up the mess, doing all the … I just wanted a seat round that table. Maybe. As an equal, not the bloody whipping boy, one who makes ’em laugh with his, his … cheeky, cockney rhyming, bloody, docker’s son, fucking – sorry, Ann, oh, she’s … (not there.)
Cocks But you can’t leave us. This is the most critical … I mean, how else are we going to get through it, we can’t … I mean, I’m not saying Walter’s not up to it, of course he is, but –
Mellish Not Walter. You.
Cocks (long pause) Me … ? But I’m … Bob, I’m not –
Mellish We’re gonna need a diplomat to survive this, not a warmonger. A negotiator. A good … a good and decent man. You’ll be getting a call.
Cocks (beat, paces, rubs his neck) Where … where’s your place? Where you go. Now that you’re leaving, I just … wondered. Where you went.
Mellish Cupboard. One what Emily Davison broke into and slept in, night of the 1911 census. Meaning a suffragette could claim her residence to be ‘The Houses of Parliament’ for ten whole years. No one ever comes in, I just … sit. (Beat.) And yours?
Cocks The toilets, main floor, south corridor.
Mellish (beat; smiles) Liar.
Harrison (bursting in) It’s not true, you’re not going, you’re not bloody going – ?
Mellish Walter, it’s fine –
Harrison Aw, what is this, no Bob, no, when we’re hanging by a thread?! How can he do– ?!
Mellish Walter, oi. He’s right to. You need your whip to take a bloody bullet for you, and I stuck my neck out for the other guy. He needs someone he can trust. He needs … Michael.
Walter …
Mellish (to Cocks) Look, give us a minute, will yer?
Beat. Cocks exits.
Mellish Listen to me, Walter Harrison. You’re a bloody-minded Yorkshire bastard but I love yer, OK? And you’re the best Deputy Whip this building has ever bloody seen. And that’s why … that’s why you still will be the best Deputy …
Beat. Harrison sits, leans forward on his knees.
Mellish You’re the one that they’re either afraid of, or that they actually like and come to. The Chief can’t be those things. The Chief has to be above it all. And above it all, you’d be wasted. It’s you’re fault for being so sodding indispensible.
Taylor and Harper enter.
Taylor Bob?
Mellish Alright, it’s alright, look, let’s not make a song and dance about it.
Speaker The Member for South Ayrshire, the Member for Paisley!
Paisley and South Ayrshire bustle in, followed by Cocks hot on their heels.
Harper Oi, you two, I said wait outside!
Cocks Jim, John, / you can’t just come in here –
Paisley We’re sorry to barge in, Bob, but rumours are you’re off and we / need –
Mellish Bang on, old son, so out me way. Speak to Michael, there.
Harper Michael?
South Ayrshire Bob, we’ve come to formally resign the whip. We can no longer in good conscience act as Members of Parliament for the Labour Party. I’m sorry.
Mellish waves them off with a free hand, turning and making to leave. Beat. Puts the box down and goes for the pair of them – yelling, the other whips pulling him off.
Mellish You pair of disloyal bastards! I’ll have you! It’s over for you, I mean it!!
South Ayrshire Oh, don’t talk to me about loyalty, Bob! You hear?! Loyal, what’s loyal about giving the voters a promise on devolution and then not bloody well delivering?!
Taylor And how are we meant to deliver on something as big as dividing up the kingdom, Jim? (At the board.) With a majority that big?!
Paisley You’re not delivering on anything! On anything. This isn’t a government. Governments have powers, make decisions, rule. This isn’t a Parliament. It’s a fucking purgatory.
Paisley and South Ayrshire leave. Mellish tuts at his slightly torn shirt.
Mellish Pocket’s bloody …
Taylor Here, let me –
Mellish Leave it. Just …
Beat. Picks up his things. Walks towards the door. Stops.
Oh shit, my ca – Huh, I don’t have the, the car. Any more. It’s yours, Michael. I don’t … I can’t remember how I – hold on.
Cocks Bob, take the car, let it / drop you –
Mellish No, it’s fine, Christ, don’t make a … I just need to jog me – it’s the Circle, no District. District Line, Eastbound, from … see? I got it. It’s fine.
Don’t … don’t let ’em win. Alright? Halfway there. Don’t let the bastards win.
Mellish leaves. Silence. Cocks takes the chalk, and on the board replaces ‘+1’ with ‘–1’.
Harper … So. That’s it, then. Hung again.
Cocks No. That’s not it. (At the board.) We draw the odds and sods back over to us again, rainbow coalition, why not, we’ve done it before, we can do it again. We can. We … Walter can.
Harrison looks up.
Cocks Next vote is Aircraft and Shipbuilding Bill, a classic ideological one, we want to invest, Tories want to cut, if they beat us, they’ll call a No Confidence, which if we lose, we’re out, finished. If we win … well if we win, we fight another day. And another. All the way to five years. Together. (Beat. Holds out the chalk.) Walter … ?
Pause. Everyone looking at Harrison. He sighs … and stands, taking the chalk.
Harrison Alright. Let’s see what we’ve got.
From the dimly lit Commons Chamber, the Members’ Chorus are singing ‘The Red Flag’. A flash of light picks up the Member for Henley on the floor, facing them, back to us, brandishing the Parliamentary Mace above his head maniacally as the music explodes –
The Government Whips’ Office and the Opposition Whips’ Office.
An eruption of activity as Cocks, Harrison, Harper and Taylor bundle Stirlingshire West into the Government office, holding a bloody nose, and in the Opposition office a mirror image, Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher (the ‘Colonel’) help in the Member for Hexham, staunching his own bloody nose.
Esher Cheats! Bunch of double crossers! Can you believe it?! They broke a pair!
Hexham Ouch. It hurts. Everything on my face hurts.
The Speaker and Serjeant at Arms bowl in with Henley and Lowestoft.
Henley (shouting to members, outside), Yeah! Come on then! Bloody try it!
Speaker (trying to get above the din) Gentlemen, please! Try to act like Honourable Members of this House! And not football hooligans! I’ve already suspended the session for twenty minutes so that everyone can calm down. I’ve Commons policemen pulling people apart in the lobby and fighting, fighting, in the House of Commons Chamber! I have never in my life –
Henley That song, they were singing that bloody Commie song after they robbed us of the vote!
Weatherill Heseltine, put a sock in it!
Speaker I don’t care about the bloody vote! I do care about you removing the Parliamentary Mace from its sacred position and using it to threaten ministers!
Atkins Mr Speaker, they broke a pair, they must have done, they paired someone with one of our guys and then they brought him into the lobby for their vote!
Esher Cheats! Cheaters!
Speaker That Mace dates back to Charles II –
Henley I know, look, I –
Speaker – and symbolises – are you listening? – the royal authority under which the Commons sits. Interfering with it constitutes gross misconduct, the Serjeant at Arms, here, has the authority to take you to the cells / and imprison you –
Serjeant Only I am allowed to / place and remove that Mace, do you understand? Me.
Lowestoft Wow, wow, wow. Look.
Henley Alright! I’ll apologise!
Weatherill I’m going over there to sort this out. (Exiting.)
Speaker The House can’t reconvene for business until the Mace is placed back properly, and you put it back the wrong way round.
Lowestoft Oh, don’t – what?!
Speaker Parliament is not authorised to lawfully meet unless the Mace is in place, and you put it back the wrong way round!
Atkins Both of you, both of you, go with the Serjeant of Arms and replace the Mace.
Lowestoft Oh for GOD’S – !
He exits with Henley and Serjeant.
Government Whips’ Office.
Taylor Are you alright, Denis?
Stirlingshire West Ponces, couldn’t, couldn’t throw a decent punch if – ow.
Cocks Alright, Joe, talk, how come on the second vote our numbers went up by one?
Harrison Look, we won the vote, Michael, Christ, will you look at this, they’ve caused a bloody riot, them, / over there, we should be focusing our attention on bloody them –
Cocks Did we bring a man back in who we’d pa – Listen to me! Joe?! Walter?! Who was it, at the last minute? Did we slip someone back in who was meant to be paired off?
Harrison No, look, we agreed on six pairs and we gave them six pairs –
Harper We found out Agriculture Minister was delayed in Denmark and / hadn’t told us –
Harrison Hadn’t told us, there, exactly, and a Minister requires a pair, so he became our sixth man to sit out, which meant we could bring one of the others back in.
Cocks You brought … is that – ? / That’s not … wait –
Harrison We agreed six pairs and they got six pairs, Michael.
Weatherill (bursting in) Michael, Walter, someone explain where your extra man came from.
Cocks Oi, this is the Government Whip’s Office, did you knock? / Go out and knock!
Weatherill Who was the Member that took your tally up from / 303 to 304?
Cocks Did you knock on that door?! Did you knock on the door?!
Weatherill Alright! Knock, blimey, I’ll knock, bloody …
He exits, closing the door. He knocks on the door.
Harrison We’re not in.
Weatherill (bursting back in) God damn it, Walter!
Harrison (laughing) Alright, I’m sorry. Jack, oi. Listen. You bugger. I’m sorry. OK?
Weatherill (beat; calms; smiles, a little) I’m sorry. It …
Cocks We can sort this out.
Weatherill Do you know how serious this is? This is really serious.
Harrison Jack.
Weatherill The vote on our Opposition motion was a tie, 303 each, do we agree on that?
Harrison Jack. Look –
Weatherill There was a second division, on your motion, and the vote this time was different. It was us, 303, and you, 3-0-4. Which means someone who hadn’t been there at the first vote was there in the second. Now how can that be, unless someone you paired with one of our chaps came back into the lobby when he shouldn’t have done. How?!
Harrison The Agriculture Minister, Jack. He’s in Denmark, right, and he wasn’t paired.
Weatherill Wasn’t pai – ? Well, had you asked for a pair, did you ask Fred for one?
Harper It was you lot, you needed six pairs, and we gave you six –
Atkins, Silvester and Esher storm in with Speaker who has a thick book.
Atkins COCKS! I demand to / know what you did!
Cocks Uh, excuse me, all you, / out of this office!
Weatherill Fred, the Agriculture Minister was away, did you pair him?
Silvester What? No, he wasn’t one of them, it was –
Atkins Oh, really!
Harrison Wait, just bloody listen, Jesus! We agreed pairs, six of ours stepped out, six of yours, but we actually had seven out with Agriculture away, so even with one of ours going back in –
Silvester You / can’t do that –
Harrison – we still had six of our lot out, as agreed!
Esher Cheats! Liars!
Harper Oh, knock it off, Mather!!
Weatherill No, that’s it then! That extra vote of your chap who went in is void, / it’s void.
Atkins Mr Speaker, I demand, demand you void that extra vote and declare it tied –
Cocks Hold up, it isn’t tied, we won! The Bill will become law, get over it –
Speaker Wait, wait, look, according to all precedents, yes, in a tied vote, as Speaker I’d have to vote against the motion, but –
Taylor It isn’t tied! We won, by one! (Exits.)
Speaker BUT! Cocks is right, there’s nothing in the Erskine May rules that recognises pairing. That’s a gentlemen’s agreement between yourselves, I can’t call a recount.
Atkins Oh, you – that’s it, you, you … bastards! You’ve BLOODY HAD IT!
Speaker And I’m suspending the House for the night, so you can all / go home!
Weatherill Walter, Michael, I can’t / believe this –
Harper Why is it so hard for you to understand? You agreed six pairs and you got six pairs!
Atkins You think this is dirty? You wait. Just you wait. No – More – Pairing!
Harrison Oh don’t talk rubbish, Humphrey, you can’t just / stop –
Atkins I MEAN IT! It’s over. Pairing is off. Finished. Forget it! And The Usual Channels are closed!
He exits with the other Opposition whips.
Taylor (re-entering) Chief, there’s uproar amongst the odds and sods, The Liberals, Welsh … all of them saying they won’t be voting with us again. They ‘can’t be associated with cheats’.
Cocks Oh brilliant, so … (At the board, tapping away.) All the odds and sods gone, and we can’t pair, with our lot, if we can’t pair – ! Fuck it!
Cocks hurls his papers across the room and exits, followed by Harper. Silence.
Taylor Walter, you need to go see Atkins now, repair the damage.
Harrison Oh ‘I need to’, is it? ‘I bloody need’?! … Sorry.
Taylor What, can’t take it from someone with boobs and no bollocks?
Harrison Oh fuck off, giving me that. Got bigger bollocks than anyone else here, Ann.
Taylor Because I tell you something, if there’d been more of us in there, there wouldn’t have been scenes like that tonight. We’d … we’d knock your bloody heads together.
Harrison (beat) Look, give … give me a sec.
Taylor leaves. Harrison takes another glass and pours in a whisky. His hand shakes as he downs it, spilling some. He places it down, wipes his mouth and exits into:
Westminster Hall. Weatherill is pacing through, Harrison catches him up.
Weatherill Look, forget it, Walter, there’s nothing I can do!
Harrison I just want to talk about this – ! Would you hold on a second! Christ, it’s nothing that you wouldn’t do or haven’t done –
Weatherill (stops, turning) That I would do?! You cheated. Walter. I don’t care about the technical ‘this and that’. You bloody cheated. (Beat, studying him.) Hah … my God, look at you. You’re actually scared. ‘Walter Harrison’. We’ve got you, haven’t we … ?
Harrison It is a centuries’ old system, you can’t just stop pairing, you don’t have the right –
Weatherill Oh ‘centuries’ old’, ‘thousand years old’, ‘you can’t do this’, ‘must do that’. (Sighs. Looks up. Around.) Westminster Hall. Oldest part of Parliament. The stuff those rafters have seen, eh?
Right over there? It’s where they set up the trial for the execution of Charles I. God’s ‘representative’ on Earth. God. ‘For thine is the Kingdom, the power and the glory … ’
But we said from now on … we would rule ourselves. And off went his head …
‘We can do it better,’ they said. Hah. Well, sometimes …
I’m sorry, Walter. No more cooperation, the Usual Channels are closed. And No More Pairing.
Harrison Jack –
Weatherill No, Walter! That’s it! You want help with your sick and your dying, forget it. You’ll have to get them into the lobby your bloody self from now on. And the Best of British to you.
The chimes of Big Ben sound. Harrison looks up, towards them …
The Westminster Clock Tower.
Cocks stands looking through the panels of the Clock. The bells sound around him, the hands moving around the face. Suddenly, the bells stop, and the hands slow to a clunking stop.
Beat. Cocks looks up at them …
Blackout.