In the Commons’ Chamber.
A new Speaker replaces the old one in the chair – who returns now to the Members’ Chorus.
Speaker Order. ORDER! We are now in session.
The Westminster Clock Tower.
Cocks with the Clockmaker. The giant clock face is under repair, the hands stationary.
Cocks Come on, you must have an idea. How long we talking?
Clockmaker Well, it’s never happened before has it? It’s the speed regulator. Torsional fatigue, been going for over a hundred years, gave up the ghost. Be summer, earliest, I reckon.
Cocks Sum – ! Oh, please tell me it’ll be up and running for the Jubilee.
Clockmaker It’s a clock, Mr Cocks. They break. What’s it matter?
Cocks What’s it … ?! Ha ha, yes, no you’re right, not important, eh, it’s not a, a, symbol of anything, doesn’t mean anything, only carried on ticking through all the bloody, all the great wars, the biggest crises, any time our backs were against the wall, oh yeah. And you’re telling me now for no reason it’s just stopped?
Clockmaker It’ll just take time, Mr Cocks.
Cocks Ha. Right. Yes. (Looking at the face.) The one thing we no longer have.
Speaker The Member for Batley and Morley!
A Commons office, rearranged to include a makeshift bedroom.
Harrison and Lady Batley enter with Batley. Overnight gear, breathing apparatus …
Harrison Here we are, your suite, sir, madam. ’Ere, give me that. Sorry it’s not the Savoy.
Lady Batley Oh well, look at this. Ha. Oh, this’ll do us fine, won’t it, Alf? Better than fine.
Batley (frail, looking around) Huhuh. I don’t believe it, look at … Who, whose office is it?
Harrison Member for Greenock’s. We couldn’t convert yours, it’s tiny –
Batley Oh God, what a pain in the – hate being such an awkward bugger –
Harrison Oi, what did I say? He didn’t mind swapping, it’s no bother.
Lady Batley Let’s get you down in this chair, come on. / Few puffs of your air.
Harrison I’m the one who feels bloody awkward. I’m sorry it’s come to this. But they aren’t pairing still, so I’m afraid it’s all members, all the time, no exception.
Lady Batley (applying his mask) Oh, you’re preaching to the converted here, Walter. He’d crawl through the lobby dead if he had to. I’m the one trying to hold him back. Well, at least we don’t have to worry about toing and froing. You’ve made it very comfortable for us. (Sits on the bed.) Is this a double? Looks smaller. Try and get on ’ere, Alf, see if we fit.
Batley lowers himself carefully. They lie down together, close, facing each other.
Lady Batley Oh, see, that’s no problem, is it? Just have to get nice and cosy, eh? No funny business though, Doctor Broughton.
Batley gives her a tickley-cuddle and they laugh. Beat. She touches his face, softly.
Harrison Alright, Burton and Taylor, knock it off.
Lady Batley (laughing, getting up) Eh, this Big Ben business is causing a bit of a ding-dong, isn’t it? Ha, eh, ‘ding dong’. (Laughs.)
Harrison Awh, very good.
Batley Ooh, don’t make me laugh. (Coughing. Air.) Dear me.
Harrison Nah, press are having a right old time with it, good distraction if you ask me.
Batley Radio … (Air.) Radio 4 not quite the same though, all pips and no bongs.
Harrison Oi don’t try and fool anyone you listen to Radio 4, Doc.
Batley How dare you!
Harrison (leaving) Right. You wait here, I’m off to try and work out how to get the Defence Secretary back from bloody Ireland. First vote’ll be around 10.15 p.m., Docks Bill. One of our boys and one of the aristo-twats opposite will be up to ‘nod you through’, OK?
Batley Where … (Gasps of air.) Where do we order room service?
Harrison Up my bloody arse.
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison steps in. Cocks and Harper study a map. Taylor on the phone.
Cocks Right, listen up, flight from Belfast is not for an hour so there’s no way – what is it, 6.15? So we spoke to the PM, he’s getting the RAF to lay on a jet.
Taylor (phone down) No, Hunter Jet’s off, they’re all on this side of the water.
Taylor But the RAF say they can strap on an extra fuel tank to a helicopter at the base fourteen miles from the Minister, and that might get him here, just.
Cocks Joe, get on the phone to the Ulster Constabulary, I want all the traffic lights fixed in his favour to get him to the base, no reds, all green.
Harrison (looking at his watch) It’s gonna be close, and they won’t be happy.
Cocks Tough. Every vote counts.
Harrison Every vote counts.
He steps out into –
Members’ Lobby. Bumping into Weatherill.
Harrison Oh, evening, Mr Weatherill, alright your end is it, all OK? We’ll have every single one of ours in once again, tonight.
Weatherill By hook or by crook, I take it.
Harrison Proved we can though, eh? Against the odds.
Weatherill Pride commeth before the fall, Walter.
Harrison And fifty nicker commeth my way, presently. Three years down, mate, two to go.
Weatherill steps into –
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill and Silvester. Working, scribbling, filing.
Atkins The Lady is not happy.
Weatherill Oh dear – Fred, work through those, would you?
Atkins She can’t really understand why they’re still alive, over there. A minority in the House again and with the absence of pairing. And yet no huge defeats; even, can you believe, some victories. It’s like a game of ping pong, we win by one, they win by one, lose by two, we lose by two, nothing that rocks the boat enough to call for No Confidence.
Weatherill To be fair, they’ve defied all expectations and are actually getting their chaps in.
Silvester Not even ‘in’, technically, they’re arriving in taxis and ambulances and being nodded through from New Palace Yard. Can’t we put a stop to nodding through? We did to pairing.
Atkins No, if they’re infirm and within the grounds they’re entitled to the nod, we have to honour that. What the Lady wants is more aggression, determination. And with that, some new blood to the Whips’ Office.
Silvester Really? Some young blood?
Esher (enters, calling in) I’ve intercepted the Chelmsford chap, he’s awaiting orders, sah!
Atkins Thank you, Colonel, let him in, would you?
Mather Right away, sah! (Exiting.)
Atkins I didn’t say young, I said new.
Silvester Oh God.
Speaker The Member for Chelmsford.
Chelmsford enters.
Atkins Norman, mum’s the word, but you’ll be getting a call, Shadow Cabinet, another move.
Chelmsford Oh right, smashing. (Rubs hands.) Lovely, I knew I could rely on her.
Atkins Shadow Arts.
Weatherill You had hinted you wanted a move.
Chelmsford Yeah, up! Not down!
Weatherill But you love the theatre, museums, you’re our biggest patron of the lot.
Chelmsford Yes, but – oh hell! Shad – ? That doesn’t even sound like a position. Makes me out to be a sodding, bloody wizard – the ‘Shadow Arts’.
Atkins Come on, Norman, you know how it works; they’re likes snakes and ladders, reshuffles. Like a box step; you know what a box step is, don’t – well, ha, you will soon. If one first takes a step forward, cha-cha-cha, one then has to take a step to the back, cha-cha-cha. Now be a good chap, look surprised when you get the call.
Chelmsford sighs, and exits.
Atkins Right. ‘Docks Bill’, more burning of cash we don’t have, lets try to put this fire out, eh?
Speaker The Member for Liverpool Edge Hill!
Government Whips’ Office. Hive of activity, Cocks, Harrison, Taylor and Harper sitting, Liverpool Edge Hill down and helping him staunch a minor blood flow through his shirt.
Harper You’ll be fine, don’t you worry. ’Ere, sit.
Liverpool Edge Hill I know, it ju – ow, it just stings a bit.
Cocks We really appreciate it, obviously, this won’t be forgotten.
Liverpool Edge Hill The doctor really did think I should have stayed another night, you know, Michael. I mean, removing an appendix, it’s not like taking your shoes off –
Speaker The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield!
Welwyn and Hatfield enters, holding a baby, crying loudly, followed by the Serjeant at Arms. The lobby buzzing outside.
Serjeant Chief Whip, we have a bit of a problem.
Welwyn and Hatfield No, there’s no problem. Michael? –
Harrison Oi, oi, oi, Helene please, what the bloody hell, bringing / a crying baby in here.
Serjeant I’m afraid we’ve had a complaint.
Taylor Complaint? Who from, what?
Welwyn and Hatfield Shush, / it’s alright, Freddie, there there.
Serjeant The Honourable Member, here, was seen engaging in … in – / she was reportedly –
Welwyn and Hatfield Oh for God’s sake, just say it, half the country have them. Breasts!
Serjeant … breast- feeding in the Lady Members’ Room, to the consternation of other female Members who observed the said event taking place –
Welwyn and Hatfield Well, I’m going to have to do it somewhere, aren’t I? Aren’t I?! You want me here, in the House, you can’t pair me off and send me home? Fine, this is the result; this is it. Deal with it. (To baby.) Shh.
Taylor Well, it’s alright, flippin’ ’eck, just do it in here.
Harper Here?! Get your … in the / Whips’ Office?
Serjeant It is against Palace rules to allow, you know, to ‘expose’ oneself in, in –
Welwyn and Hatfield Oh, for the love of –
Taylor Michael?
Michael Yeah, just –
Serjeant – in that manner, and to permit non-members into the Chamber during a sitting.
Welwyn and Hatfield Oh but please, he’s got such good grasp of fiscal policy.
Serjeant This is, it, look, no other mother has ever had recourse to bring her child, a, a baby / into parliament, so I don’t –
Welwyn and Hatfield Well, I’m doing it now, sod it, sod it! Michael, if you can’t slip me out as a pair then I’m slipping these out as a pair; here and now, there’s no choice. You tell me what else I’m meant to do, eh? Barely a week out of hospital, and –
Serjeant I will have to report this to the Commons Services Committee.
Welwyn and Hatfield So bloody well report me, do it. I mean it, Michael. Walter. I need to attend to my baby, so am I staying and doing my job, or am I going home?
Serjeant I’m going to have to go and tell them something.
Cocks Serjeant.
Serjeant What?
Cocks Tell ’em she’s getting her tits out in here and they can all fuck off.
Beat. Serjeant frowns. Exits in a crap huff.
Welwyn and Hatfield (beginning to undo blouse) … Thank you.
Taylor Blimey, you lot. Babies in the Whips’ Office now, talk about sacred cows.
Cocks Ay, well, once the first hole appears in the dam …
Harrison (surveying the scene) Jesus, would you look at it; Whips’ Office has turned into an A&E-cum-daycare-centre. You alright there, Arthur?
Liverpool Edge Hill is staring at Welwyn and Hatfield breast-feeding.
Liverpool Edge Hill Hmm? Oh no, yes, it’s fine, nothing to, erm …
Taylor Might get a blue plaque, Helene. ‘Welwyn and Hatfield, at this spot. First to breast-feed in Westminster.’
Welwyn and Hatfield I don’t want a plaque, I don’t want anything I’m not … I’m not a flippin’ martyr, I’m not flying any flags. I don’t want to be here, I want to be at home –
Cocks I know, Helene, I’m sorry, we’re trying, they’re not budging, they’re –
Welwyn and Hatfield Well, something has to give, there’ll have to be system, a place where –
Cocks You’re right. We’ll sort something.
Taylor Bloody hell, you can turn around, Joe! It’s only nature, you’re a father yourself!
Harper Yes, but I didn’t do that bit, did I?!
Cocks Joe, it’s quarter to ten, go get the nodding-through done with the aristo-twats.
Speaker The member for St Helens!
New Palace Yard. St Helens is wheeled in by a Paramedic to Harper and Silvester.
Harper Ah, there he is, Fred, see. The member for St Helens in the Palace grounds. (Taps Silvester’s notebook.) You have to nod him through.
Paramedic Our staff are not best pleased about this, gents. To put it mildly.
Silvester Well, hold on, I don’t mean to be … but … (Waving his hand.) ‘Hello’? Is he even alive?
Harper Doesn’t matter, Fred, there’s the bell, and he’s here. And Nobody Dies in the Palace of Westminster’. Ha ha. (Looks up; the sound of an approaching helicopter.) He’s made it …
Silvester What? No, I don’t believe it.
Harper Mansfied. He’s here. He’s bloody well made it … ! (They run off.) He’s here!
Speaker The member for Mansfield!
Lobby.
The Government Whips push Mansfield in. Opposition Whips run in the other side.
Harrison Whey-hey, well I’ll be, turns out Belfast is actually just north of Watford, Humphrey.
Mansfield tries to speak. Nods. Bends down, gasping for breath.
Weatherill Using the resources of the armed forces, Michael? For party political reasons?
Ann Oh, no, he’s preserving his democratically elected right to vote on national legislation.
Silvester Six minutes to the lobbies close, Chief.
Cocks Six minutes! Mansfield, get in there, you lot, get flushing quickly!
Toilets.
Harrison bounds in and looks under the cubicle door – two feet dangle under one. He enters the cubicle next door and stands on the lid, peering in. Beat.
Harrison Doc? (Beat. Scrambles down.) DOC! Hold on, don’t worry …
Harrison takes out his screwdriver, working at the hinges. He gets the door loose and lifts it off. Batley inside, is sitting on the toilet looking weak. Harrison hoists him up.
Harrison Doc?! What you doing, where’s the missus? Just hold on, we’ll get you to hospital.
Batley No, the … lobby. Get me to the lobby.
Harrison Don’t be daft, man! Fuck it, and you’ve been nodded through, haven’t you?
Batley No, I’ve … been in here, they … they di –
Harrison Forget it, we’re going to the hospital –
Batley (finding the strength to shout) Just get me into that bastard lobby!
The Lobby. Teller in his chair. Rolling through on a conveyor belt of Members, the picture is noticeably changing from earlier – some shuffling or being aided through, in some cases, including Batley, lifted and carried by the Government Whips.
Speaker Ayes to the right … 310. Noes to the left … 308! The Ayes have it. The Ayes have it!
Government Whips’ Office. Harrison, Taylor and Harper clinking drinks, Cocks on water.)
Harrison Whey! Well then. (Drink.) ’Nuther day, eh? Not drinking, Chief?
Cocks Nah, you’re alright. Walter? The vote in Education Committee, Thursday. Tories have managed to programme Finance same day. You’re the Whip in both.
Harrison That’s alright, I’ll run between the two, you watch me. Michael, stop working.
Cocks What’s the word on the benches, folk happy? Rank and file?
Taylor Erm. Well, not one hundred per cent, of course. Not across the board; some rumblings –
Harrison To be expected; new leader, ’s like kicking a bee hive.
Cocks Where? From the Left, I take it.
Taylor And some of the newer ones –
Harrison You’re a ‘new one’, Ann –
Taylor Yes, and that’s why I know what I’m taking about. Coventry South West, Nuneaton, Perry Vale. They’re not the easiest to keep in line, don’t feel they have to play the game.
Harrison Well, tip me the wink if they need a bit of persuading. (Drinks.) Right. I’m off.
Cocks Take my car, if you like. I’ll just kip here. Only couple of hours till I need to be in.
Harrison What? You sure? Oh, well, thanks, Chief, I’ll give him a tinkle. (Noticing …) Oh. Ann. (Picks an eyelash from her cheek.) Eyelash. Make a wish.
She smiles and closes her eyes, blowing the lash from Harrison’s finger. Harrison exits into the other office. Cocks heads out with letters. Taylor and Harper …
Taylor Joe, while we’ve got a sec. It’s a bit, it’s slightly awkward.
Harper Oh yeah.
Taylor I’m in receipt of some information about a member and I don’t know what to do.
Harper Which member?
Taylor You. Joe (Beat.) Medical. Heard you’ve cancelled an operation twice now, a big one.
Harper How did … ? It’s nowt, Ann, don’t worry. Nowt serious, it’s more important I’m here –
Taylor You’re allowed to be sick, you know –
Harper Oi, 100 per cent voting record me, every time that bell rings, I’ve been in, and will be in.
Taylor You’ve nothing to prove, you know.
Harper I know tha – Oi, bloody ’ell, what you say that for? I’m not … Look, just keep it to your –
Cocks (re-entering) Come on, you pair, must have homes to go to.
He gets to work at his desk. Harper grabs his coat, studying Taylor, and leaves.
Cocks What did you wish for? Walter, just then.
Taylor Promise you won’t laugh? … To be where you are one day. First woman Chief.
Cocks Oh well, you’ve buggered it now, don’t come true if you say it aloud.
Taylor (smiles, beat) Michael? Would you mind not apologising for swearing around me. I know it’s a running joke, but I’m trying to fit in as one of the lads, and it, just … you know –
Cocks Oh, look, Ann, I’m sorry, it’s not …
Sighs. Stands, aware of Harrison next door.
’S just, I’m trying to, I’m trying to run a different kind of ship, and … and well, truth be told, I don’t want you to be like the lads, I want the lads to be more like you. We need to get more … It, look, this is the biggest fight any of us will have ever had, and it’s going to get harder. Our enemies are slick and strong and … it’s like the professionals versus the ‘lads from the comp’.
Taylor Well, grammar school boy, you, weren’t you?
Cocks You know what I mean. Come on, look at us. Walter? Left school, no qualifications, an electrician by trade. Joe, miner all his life. Me … well, me, I’m the dumbest of the lot. I just want us ready.
Taylor We will be. We are. (Hand on his arm.) And with you in charge? Nowt to worry about.
Taylor leaves. Beat. Harrison comes out the office, pouring himself another whisky.
Harrison Right, that’s done. Ta, Chief. (Collapsing.) I. Am. Bollocksed.
Cocks Walt? How … how did you find out about the election before anyone else? How do you find out about everything? Thorpe. Harold. Jim.
Harrison Lots of ways. Many fingers, many pies –
Cocks Name one. One pie.
Long pause.
Harrison The drivers. Ministers are stupid, once they’re in the back of a car with each other, reckon they’re in an airtight vacuum, well, they’re not. One thing drivers like more than an earwig is a gossip. Meet down the Anchor and Hope of a Sunday, I pop along.
Cocks You sly old dog.
Harrison Woof.
Cocks (beat) Am I … Ho – (Pause.) How am I doing? I know I’m no Bob, but –
Harrison What? What do you mean ‘no Bob’. Gives a bugger about Bob now? I mean, yeah, you’re different. You’re… ‘quieter’. In a good way, makes you more – do you know what, it makes you more unsettling. You’ve got me to do the barking. You just get on with the bite.
Cocks Is the Doc OK? Any news?
Harrison Yeah, he’s … well. Oh, I don’t know. He shouldn’t be here. A lot of them. Any other time or place, they’d be quietly stepping down now, we’d be calling by-elections, moving on.
Cocks (beat) D’you ever think … I don’t know. Walsall North. All his talk about this place. It being like … you don’t think there were owt –
Harrison Course not. What you on about?
Cocks (beat; waves it off) Nothing. So, will he make it to the end of term, Batley, or not?
Harrison Will any of us? (Beat. Laughs.) I know we’ve seen some things in our time, but … aha ha ha, I don’t think a piece of legislation has ever passed by the vote of a fella hoisted on to the back of a Deputy Whip before!
Cocks (starts laughing; then, harder) I know they say you’ve carried this Party, Walter, but … ha ha ha … I don’t think they meant … (Laughing more.)
Harrison laughs too. Dies down. Drinks.
Harrison Right. Sure you’re staying? Missus not mind?
Cocks No. No, missus not mind.
Harrison Everything alright in that regard? Missus. Family.
Cocks You asking me as a whip or a friend, Walter?
Harrison What do you think?
Cocks I don’t know. One of them grey areas, in’t it? … Yes, Walter. All fine in that regard, ta.
Harrison (beat) Eh. (Raises his glass.) Three years.
Cocks (raises his glass.) Three years.
Committee Room. Hubbub – Harrison and Cocks, Atkins and Weatherill and the Serjeant at Arms in heated debate as the Speaker arrives.
Speaker Alright, gentlemen please! What’s the matter?
Atkins They’re at it again, Mr Speaker, ‘bending the rules’ to say the bloody least –
Harrison Bending … ? The only thing bent is my leg, after your / man closed the bloody …
Serjeant Please. Mr Speaker, there’s been a difference of opinion regarding the votes on two bills at committee stage. Amendments to the Education Bill were being voted on in Committee Room 10, while amendments to the Finance Bill were being voted on in Committee Room 14. Mr Harrison here had been the pre-selected Whip present at both committees –
Harrison Yes, right, I voted in 14 and then I ran down the corridor to 10 to vote there and –
Serjeant Just as / I was closing the door.
Atkins Just as the doors were being closed, and locked, as is the custom –
Weatherill As is the law. Committee room doors must be closed and locked during a vote and –
Atkins And he didn’t make it –
Harrison And I did bloody make it!
Serjeant A sizeable chunk of Mr Harrison did make it, Mr Speaker.
Cocks / Harrison See.
Speaker Si – a ‘sizeable’ chunk, you say? Which chunk?
Harrison My whole body, both arms, and my left leg, but my right leg got caught in the door as he was closing it. / Look, I’ve got a bruise and everything –
Atkins And then he wouldn’t leave so that the doors could be closed –
Harrison Because I’d made it into the room. Look at that, see, purple, like a peach. Ouch.
Speaker What was the vote without Mr Harrison?
Cocks / Serjeant 22 to 22.
Speaker Serjeant, would you say that the overwhelming majority of Mr Harrison was inside the committee room?
Serjeant Well. Uh, yes, I suppose I would, Mr Speaker.
Speaker Very well, I declare the vote for the government, 22 to 22 and three quarters.
Cocks / Harrison Haha!
Atkins / Weatherill 22 and three quarters?!
Speaker I have spoken, chalk it up. (Sighs.) I look forward to seeing that one in the history books. (Exits.)
Atkins Oh really, you two, passing legislation by three quarters of a person now, that really is the living end.
Cocks Oh bugger off, Humphrey, you deliberately timed the votes for Walter to miss one. We beat you, that’s the end of it, so sucks boo to you. (Blows a raspberry, exiting.)
Atkins Oh, and a raspberry as well – we really are in the playground, aren’t we? (Exiting.)
Harrison (to Weatherill) Well. That’s another first, any road.
Weatherill (beat; smiles as he turns to leave) Well done, Walter. Nicely played.
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher sitting in a circle.
Atkins Alright. New tactic. This has become a war of attrition; both sides dug into their trenches, neither making headway. To our credit, they’re exhausted. After late-night debates we have no appointments until business begins at 2.30 p.m. the next day, but Government ministers have to be in their departments first thing, so, it’s time to employ the age-old tactic of, quite simply, Wearing Them Out.
Weatherill We’ve crafted a rota of our chaps who will come in for what is essentially ‘nightshift work’, making long speeches, ask an interminable amount of questions. They’ll have to hold their members back in case we call a vote, which we’ll never do, thus getting their members furious at their own whips for the incorrigible hours.
Silvester So it’s basic Somme tactics then, yes? We keep them on their toes for a charge that never comes, until they’re completely caught off guard when the big push does happen.
Esher It’s stamina, what? Everything is won on stamina, who can last the longest before raising the flag. Saw it in the eyes of the chaps I was with in Fontanellato. Prisoners of war. Everything in their mind, body, focused on getting through each day at a time.
Silvester Really? Colonel? God, I had no idea. Prisoner of … of which war?
Esher Which war, what do you mean which war? The war.
Silvester Yes, I know, sorry, I just, I wondered, you know … First, Second, Korean, Suez –
Esher Please do not list them as though they were flavours of ice cream. (Pause.) Which war, it was the war, where I spent nine months in a camp, and every sunrise was assumed to be one’s last, where there were moments I believed I would not live and where there were moments, I believe, I did not want to. You ask me which war, sir, it was the war. Sir.
And don’t slouch. Right, brandy, I think, before the bugle sounds. (Exits.)
Silvester I can’t believe I still haven’t got the, the hang, of getting on side with men from … like that, from –
Weatherill You will.
Silvester It’s not my fault that I’m young. I can’t help it that I currently find myself being young.
Weatherill No, it isn’t. (Holding him a file.) But what a lovely problem to have.
Tea Room.
Taylor with Coventry South West. A spectacled Geordie lady. Outwardly meek.
Coventry South West Isn’t it funny how the Prime Minister of a country can just change like that, without an election. Strange if you ask me. Shame we didn’t get the one we wanted. (At her cup.) Gosh, look at these. Not from a bring and buy, are they, wonder who’s paid for them.
Taylor So this is just a little feedback, just some observations and thoughts from your performances in the House.
Coventry South West Feedback? Who from?
Taylor Well, us, the Whips.
Coventry South West Why? Sorry, I’m not being rude dear, I just don’t understand.
Taylor Just on behalf of the Party, some support.
Coventry South West The Party? Oh, well, you know. I just say what I think, that’s all.
Taylor We certainly admire you ability to speak your mind. Specially in a boys’ club like this.
Coventry South West Doesn’t bother me, dear, got two of ’em at home.
Taylor Obviously we’ve noticed some of your abstentions on key votes. And then … well, then some votes against us, which is difficult, being in a minority anyway.
Coventry South West Yes, sorry about that, they just weren’t quite up my street.
Taylor Well. We all have to compromise occasionally, for the Party, and the greater good.
Coventry South West Oh. Do we? I just vote the way I think best.
Taylor Yes, and you seem to be able to take others with you, some of the younger, newer members. I have to say, your manner of speech-making is very, erm, very ‘persuasive’.
Coventry South West Oh, ta very much. Yes, I developed this little thing on the picket lines, you know, going up at the end of my sentences. Seems to go down well, gets people going.
‘We must fight to beat those who tread on the working PEOPLE OF THIS COUNTRY, DENYING THEM THE RIGHT TO A DECENT …
(Breaking off.) You know, that sort of thing. (Sips her tea.)
Taylor Yes, well I don’t mean to lay down the law. But we must be on the lookout for rebels.
Coventry South West Oh yes, of course you must, pet. I know all about rebels. I’m not long back from Portugal, you know, over the summer. We managed to bring down the junta.
Taylor ‘Managed … ’? Come off it, the revolution?
Coventry South West Well it was either that or the Lakes, dear. (Lifts her tea, smiling.)
The Commons Chamber.
The Members sing a choral version of ‘Five Years’ by David Bowie. As they’re announced, those named stand … and die.
Speaker The Member for Thurrock! … The Member for Ilford North!
Thurrock trips and tumbles through the air; Ilford North struggles to take in air through a mask (other members help in creating these effects).
Parliamentary Archive. Victoria Tower.
Harrison shows Weatherill in.
Weatherill The Archives? Hell’s teeth, Walter, I’ve got to be down in the Chamber in –
Harrison Look, just wanted somewhere private, right, beyond prying eyes. And … well, this is where I come, sometimes. Get away, bit of space. Quiet.
Weatherill Really. (Looking around.) I never really liked it in here.
Harrison Over a million Parliamentary bills. Ever single law of the land that was ever passed, signed by the Queen. Rolled up and stuffed in ’ere.
Weatherill Well, not been many of those recently.
Harrison And whose fault is that? Come on, Jack, it’s bad enough you’re keeping everyone up all hours of the night now. Open up the usual channels again, bring pairing back. These are old men. And not like your lot, men who’ve worked, who’ve been down pits, who’ve –
Weatherill Oh, please, and it’s got nothing to do with the amount of ale sunk in the Strangers’ every night, has it? And don’t think we don’t see the way the crows fly. Working class? What about Southampton Test – an Oxford law don. Lichfield and Tamworth, lecturer; Lancaster North, barrister. Must be getting you worried, I’ll bet? With your ‘ee by gum’, northern brute shtick. All this ‘middle classing’, you’d better learn to genteel yourself up a bit. Classical music and fine wine. Don’t want to be growing out of touch.
Harrison Out of touch, me?! Oh yeah, ’cause it’s pure accident how I hold this fragile ragbag collection together, in’t it? Nothing to do with being able to connect on all levels with –
Weatherill Oh gosh, yes, I know that, ‘the best Deputy the House has ever seen’, with all members, from all walks of life, yes, Walter, I know that.
A beat – he hadn’t meant that to come out so bitterly …
Harrison … Well, ay up, if it’s true for me, you’re going the other way. Chingford for a start, he’s an egg-and-chips man. And shopkeepers’ daughters, builders, blimey. Are you ready?
Weatherill … Yes. Well.
Harrison Jack. Look, I … we get on, don’t we? Don’t we? Please. Open up the channels. Let’s get this place moving, working again. Eh, I’ll up the bet. (Offers his hand.) Come on.
Weatherill You don’t get it, do you. We’re not playing any more.
Government Whips’ Office. Early hours of the morning. On the board it now reads ‘–4’.
Harper nodding off in his chair. Cocks enters with coffees, waking him. Newham North East following behind.
Speaker The Member for Newham North East!
Newham North East It’s becoming intolerable, Michael.
Cocks Reg, I get it, I understand. (Handing the coffee.) Joe, look alive.
Newham North East It’s this Militant Left lot, honestly, I don’t know how they’ve done it, but they’ve, they’ve sabotaged my local party, and they’re close, they’re that close I swear, from de-selecting me, unless I – what? – unless I start calling for revolution. The guillotine! I mean, I didn’t even consider myself that much on the right, not like, like, well –
Cocks Reg, I know it’s hard, it’s … look, I’ve got the, the Tribune group, the Trotskyites, the Moderates, it’s the Mad Hatter’s bloody tea party, Labour, right now, I’m just trying to keep the plates spinning, please all of the people at least some of the bloody time –
Newham North East It’s a time bomb, this, Michael, / I’m warning you.
Cocks We’ll talk, Reg. We’ll talk.
Newham North East sighs. Leaves, unconvinced.
Harper Owt happening in there?
Cocks Abingdon is quizzing Agriculture, difference between North Sea and Mediterranean tuna.
Harper North Sea … ? There aren’t any tuna in the North sea.
Cocks There … ? You joking? Oh for … (Begins scribbling on notepaper.)
Harper (stretching.) This can’t go on, Michael. We know what they’re doing –
Cocks Of course we know, it’s what we’d be doing if we were them.
Taylor enters, holding a baby.
Cocks Ann, can you take this note – Oh, sorry, you’re … Joe, can you – ?
Taylor No, he’s fine, just walked him outside to get him off. Here. (Handing him the baby.)
Harper (bursting into gleeful ‘baby talk’) Hewo, wittle fella, who’s a bootiful boy, den, eh?
Cocks (To Taylor) Get whoever’s on bench duty to slip this to the Minister, think it’s Joe Ashton.
Harrison (enters) How do. (At baby.) Well hewo / wittle one, who’s dis den, ey, bootiful?
Harper (at baby) Who’s dis, uncle Walter? Is it, is it? Yes. Uncle Walter, yes.
Cocks They here, Walter? Let’s get this over with. Joe, is he gonna be OK?
Harrison I’ll get ’em in. (Exits.)
Harper Oh ay, yeah, I’ll keep her schtum while we chitter chatter.
Speaker The Members for West Lothian and Western Isles!
Western Isles (entering with Harrison) Chief.
West Lothian Hello, Michael.
Harper Don, would you mind? The smoke. Baby.
Western Isles Christ, babies in the Whips’ Office; what a brave new world. (Stubbing out his fag.) There you go, Joseph, I have extinguished the flame.
West Lothian We just want to know if it’s true. Scotland and Wales Bill is going on the books?
Cocks … Ay, it’s true.
West Isles Hurrah! About time.
West Lothian Oh shit. Christ’s sake.
Cocks Tam, we know, but we’re being propped up, only bloody barely, by odds and sods, Scot Nats, Welsh Nats, folk that expect us to propose devolution as promised; if we don’t, we fall.
West Lothian And you’ll fall if you do propose it, because I’ll tell you this, you’ll lose it in the House, and that’ll open the door for them lot over there.
Harrison The Bill would only fail if rebels vote against it, Tam. Instead, why don’t we talk –
West Lothian What’s to talk about?! If you devolve powers to Scotland and Wales then we Scot and Welsh MPs in Westminster will be as useful as a chocolate teapot, won’t we? You think the English will stand for us voting on laws that don’t even affect our own consituents?
Western Isles What about a clause that says members representing Scotland in Westminster can only vote on things that affect the whole of the UK, not on matters affecting England?
Cocks No, no. The principles of this building is that every Member of Parliament is entirely equal, allowed to vote on all matters. I won’t allow a clause that runs contrary to that.
Harrison Also, word of warning, with the Tories dragging everything out at the moment, we’re going to have to put a Timetable Motion on it, too. Maximum of twenty days debate.
West Lothian Twent – Hah! Twenty days?! This is about redrawing the constitution –
Cocks Britain doesn’t have a constitution –
West Lothian Matters which haven’t been discussed let alone attempted in the living memory of this Parliament, built to serve the whole United Kingdom. A Kingdom that is United. I thought handing power to Brussells was bad enough. This post-colonial fixation of just giving ourselves away! This Parliament was once the seat of the democratic world, now it’s the planet’s biggest jumble sale, with you tossing Scotland, Ireland and Wales overboard now too, shed some weight. It’s so bloody typical, this self-destructive, bloody country. (Exits.)
Western Isles Well. I’ll be voting with you, Michael. And good luck to you. (Drinks. Exits.)
Harrison (pause) Tam’s right, Michael, our members are unenthusiastic at best.
Harper We should just kick this one over the fence, Michael. Pretend we’ve lost it. To try and pass something so, friggin’ huge without a majority. Asking for trouble.
Cocks Well, we’re asking for trouble if we don’t, aren’t we?! (As he exits.) Is there any news on them fixing that sodding clock yet?!
Opposition Whips’ Office. Night.
Weatherill reclines in his chair, watching Coronation Street on the little TV. Atkins enters.
Atkins What on earth is this?
Weatherill From what I can gather, Hilda and Stan are off to a posh hotel for their second honeymoon. And this Ray chap is taking Deidre to the Dog and Gun ‘down Eccles way’.
Atkins God, do people actually watch this stuff?
Weatherill Apparently. (Chuckles at something on screen, despite himself.) Listen Chief, you don’t think we’re taking this a bit too far, do you? Somme tactics?
Atkins Absolutely not. Well, perhaps. But we’re nearly there. This timetable motion for the Scotland and Wales Bill is practically a suicide note.
Weatherill Well, I’ve got some wheels in motion that should carry the whole thing home. Some of the newer members, dissent over the Budget. Looking for a way to rebel.
Atkins Really? From their own side? How on earth did you get wind of that?
Weatherill Few tricks of the trade I picked up.
The Commons’ Barbers.
Speaker The Member for Nuneaton!
Nuneaton is lathered up, getting a shave from the Barber. Weatherill enters and sits.
Weatherill Any chance of a quick tidy up?
Barber Course, sir. Take a seat.
Nuneaton Bloody ’ell. ’S a pretty sharp suit you’ve got there.
Weatherill Oh. Well, thank you. It’s Les, isn’t it? Nuneaton. Jack Weatherill.
Nuneaton (playful gasp) The enemy.
Weatherill Hardly. In fact, I heard, that on some things we’re on the same page … Quite a Budget this year, for a Socialist government. Cuts in spending. Higher taxes for the worse off.
Nuneaton Well. What can you do, it’s the Budget.
Weatherill Well, even Finance Bills go through committee. Amendments can be tabled by the Opposition.
Nuneaton Never passed though, eh? Never happened.
Weatherill No. No, never happened. But that’s only because the Opposition have never had Government back benches backing them up. If they did, well … anything would be possible. (Beat. Looking at him.) Worth thinking about, anyway.
Silvester (running in, panicked) Jack! Something’s happened in the chamber.
In the Chamber. Rotherham stands, pulling at his collar before falling back into the arms of other Members who carry him out, into:
Government Whips’ Office. The Whips carry Rotherham in. Taylor performs CPR.
Harrison Clear out! Give him some room!
Cocks Brian? Brian, mate, the ambulance on its way, alright?
Harrison Joe, go outside and meet them, quick as you can.
Taylor He’s not … Michael, he’s doesn’t seem to be –
Cocks takes over CPR as Silvester and Weatherill charge in.
Weatherill What happened?
Taylor He collapsed at the dispatch box.
Cocks Come on, Brian, don’t be a silly bugger.
Speaker The Member for Rushcliffe!
Rushcliffe (entering with Silvester) I’m so sorry, Michael. Walter. We were just having a good old ding-dong, nothing out the ordinary, and then … (Seeing Rotherham.) Oh God …
Harrison Oi, listen, he weren’t very well. He wasn’t well, OK? It’s nothing to do with you.
Paramedics arrive in the office and take over.
Weatherill Come on, we’d better give them some space, we’ll, we’ll –
Rushcliffe (weeping) I’m so sorry.
Harrison (more privately) Oi. Make sure your man doesn’t take this on himself, OK? This isn’t going to look very good, he’ll need protecting. And ‘no one dies in the Palace’, remember?
Taylor Well, now hold on, no, it –
Weatherill goes, with Ruschcliffe.
Paramedics What’s his name?
Cocks He’s the memb – I mean, Brian. His name’s Brian.
Paramedics Brian? You’re alright.
The Paramedics leave with Rotherham, having put him on a stretcher.
Taylor Michael, this whole ‘no one dies in the … ’ This, it isn’t good enough, Brian’s just … there need to be consequences –
Cocks Oh and what do we do to them, that side? Stroke them with feathers?! No, we … (Flicking through a book.) I need to, shit, phone his wife, and …
The phone rings. He answers.
Not bloody now … Oh. Sorry … (Looks at the others.) Right … well, thank you for letting us know, Jack. (Puts the phone down.) Pairing. It’s back on.
The Chamber. The Members sing ‘I Vow To Thee My Country’, waving little Union Jacks.
Speaker The Member for Ashfield! The Member for Birmingham Stechford!
Ashfield and Birmingham Stechford step out from the Chamber, one after the other, and replace their mini-Union Jacks with mini-European Community flags, exiting.
Government Whips’ Office. Late night, darkly lit, ‘–5’ now on the board.
Harrison sits, his feet on the desk, listening to Wagner. He studies the record sleeve.
Taylor (entering, slowing to a stop) Blimey, what’s going on here?
Harrison From what I can make out, this Tannhäuser chap’s gone missing and his missus, Liz, she’s not happy. And when they’re not happy in opera they’re properly not happy. I’ve an ’orrible feeling it’s all going to go wrong.
Taylor And why’s that?
Harrison Well. Opera, innit. It always goes tits up in the end. (Flicks it off.)
Lady Batley (knocking, entering) Helloo?
Harrison Whey, Lady Broughton, how’s the Doc, all set?
Lady Batley Yes, we ju – I just wanted to say thank you. For putting us up while pairing was off. Oh, hark at me ‘putting us up’, feel like we’re checking out of a B&B.
Harrison You’re very welcome, love, just leave your money on the side.
Lady Batley (laughs) Well. Just one more, erm … (Quieter.) I, I wondered about finally looking into … you know … letting Alf bow out. Finding a replacement, Batley?
Harrison Of course, my lovely. We want you enjoying your retirement, don’t we?
Lady Batley Thank you, Walter. Bye, then (Exits, passing Cocks coming in.) Oh, hello.
Cocks Hi. (Enters.) Exit poll of the Ashfield by-election, unbelievable. Tories are gonna take it.
Harrison You what? Ashfield, that’s a mining town?! What they voting Tory for?!
Cocks Can’t fucking believe them two. Roy and David going off to Europe, thanks very much! (Replaces ‘–5’ with ‘–7’ on the board.) We finally get pairing back so the sick ones can stay home, and now the healthy ones are throwing their toys out of the pram, Jesus.
Taylor Coventry South West is on her way down, Chief.
Cocks Whatever happened to loyalty, eh? Compromise, seeing both sides, helping each other out. Do they want to get booted out? ’S like turkeys voting for sodding Christmas here.
Speaker Coventry South West!
Coventry South West (entering) Hello everyone, ooh, ’s nice in here, isn’t it?
Harrison (gritted teeth) Would you like a drink, Audrey.
Coventry South West Ta. Don’t bother with the posh plonk, I can’t tell Stork from butter, me.
Cocks Audrey. Cut to the chase. Your increasing displays of disloyalty, under normal circumstances, would not only not be tolerated, but –
Coventry South West Disloyalty? Who to? It’d be disloyal to go against my principles, surely?
Harrison This is a hung Parliament, compromises have to be made on policy.
Coventry South West Well, can you explain why we’ve been voted in to look after working-class interests, the underfunded parts of the country, but our Chancellor is proposing 1.25 billion pounds worth of cuts? I’m not the only one, you know, a lot of our lot agree with me.
Cocks And how would you feel if we became the first government in living memory to lose the House and be forced into an election, eh?
Coventry South West Well. Given that I’ve always voted for my constituents over my Party, my ratings locally are through the roof. What about you, dear, how’s yours looking?
Cocks … Flatter yourself if you want that they voted for you personally, but they didn’t. They voted for the Party. Based on class. Based on economic group. Based on geography. Based on what their effing mums and dads used to vote for. Not you. OK? This is how it works.
Coventry South West My understanding of this democracy is that people were sent to look after the interests of their neighbours, not just do as they were told by you lot.
Taylor So you pay no heed of the benefits of working together as a party, with shared ideals, not on every specific detail, no, but still able to come together? In order to get stuff done. It’s not perfect, Audrey, but it’s all we’ve got.
Coventry South West It’s only not perfect because no one is strong enough to challenge it. Well. No one was strong enough. There are ‘plans afoot’. (Drinks.) Ta for the sherry.
Harrison Audrey. Audrey?! Get back here now!
He exits, followed by Ann.
Cocks alone. He takes an envelope from his pocket. Empties it on the desk. A cassette tape falls out. He looks around … popping it into the cassette deck of the record player. Plays …
Walsall North (recorded, off) … Because the thing is, Michael … as I sit here. It doesn’t feel like incarceration; that did. My life did. Before … Trapped, aboard a sinking ship, that stunk of filth and squalor and death … everyone’s leaving us, Michael, can’t you see that. Aboard the lifeboats … away … to newer, safer, stronger ships … while you stand on deck with your little orchestra, playing one last tune, as the whole thing goes down …
Opposition Whips’ Office. All Tory whips assembled, a sense of ‘preparation’.
Atkins Right, everyone ready? Jack, do the honours, this is your master scheme.
Weatherill (out the door) Please come in, won’t you.
Speaker The Members for Coventry South West, Nuneaton and Birmingham Perry Barr!
Coventry South West Oh. Everything’s the same in here but the other way around.
Atkins Right, let’s not beat around Shepherd’s Bush, hmm? Just proceed to Go, and collect our £200, shall we? Or rather … four hundred and fifty million. Is that correct?
Coventry South West Well, that’s what we’re told the savings will be. Nationwide.
Atkins Wonderful. Of course, we on this side of the House, we like lowers taxes –
Perry Barr We’re not against the ethos of tax-and-spend, Atkins. But it has to be fair.
Atkins Absolutely, and rest assured, the Shadow Chancellor is very excited about your amendment, in fact given this will be the first time an Opposition amendment to a Government’s budget has been proposed by the Government’s party … I think I can all safely say we’re pretty excited to see how it goes down with your Party.
Coventry South West The only parties I like, Mr Atkins, have jelly and ice cream and clowns prancing around.
Atkins Well, you’ll be right at home at the Labour Conference then, but (with a document and a pen) if I may, this is your proposal. To link tax allowances with the rate of inflation, estimated to reduce the government’s tax income by … half, a billion, pounds.
The Labour members all sign. Weatherill looks uncomfortable. Guilty, even? He looks away.
Atkins You’re heroes, that’s what you are. Anything to add, anyone?
Esher I don’t give a beggar’s fart, long as we shove it up their pisspipe and make it sting.
Atkins As ever, Colonel, wise, crazy words. Good health.
Silvester and Esher show the Labour members out. Weatherill is busying himself.
Atkins Well, I’d say this is out greatest strike yet. Imagine the gasket that Walter will blow when he hears about this. All down to you.
Weatherill Mmm. Well it was. All of us –
Atkins Jack. I’m saying you did good. Really good.
Weatherill (uncomfortably) … thank you.
Speaker The question is, that Amendment 22 to the Finance Bill under the name of the honourable members for Coventry South West and for Perry Bar, be made.
Ayes to right, 246, noes to the left, 211. The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it!
A brief burst of ‘Jerusalem’ from the Members Chorus.
Government Whips’ Office Jubilee paraphernalia around the room. Harper and Harrison
Taylor strides in dressed in running attire. Seconds later, Cocks arrives, more knackered.
Harrison (slamming the phone down) That bloody woman!
Taylor (laughing at Cocks) Alright, slow-coach. Not bad, though, better than yesterday.
Harrison Michael, Coventry’s at it again, stirring up trouble. Marched with the striking Asian workers at Grunwick yesterday, got herself arrested for punching someone’s lights out.
Cocks Oh for – Right, I’ll have her! I swear to … (Picking up the phone.)
Taylor Sure you don’t fancy a little jog, Joe? You know … keep fit?
Harper … I’m fine, thanks Ann.
Cocks (on the phone) Audrey. Michael Cocks. We’ve heard about your day out yesterday … Aud – Audrey, shut up a second. You’re an MP who got arrested for physical assault. Now … well, regardless, you have to do one of the following, alright? Either pay a £20 fine … Aud – a £20 fine, or you can come down here and write a formal apology now, which is it to be? … Good. (Phone down.) She’s coming down.
Harper How are the numbers on the Devolution timetable?
Harrison (looking at the numbers on the board) We’re not going to make it.
Taylor … Well, you never know. Timing it with the Jubilee might work, convince people the union is strong enough to hold. And never underestimate a royal event to distract people.
Cocks (with some newspapers) Oh Christ, papers are still full of that flippin’ budget amendment. God, and the smug look on the aristotwats faces, all poncing around here like Cheshire cats.
Speaker Member for Coventry South West!
Coventry South West enters.
Cocks Right. Sit down. Let’s get this drafted, shall we –
Coventry South West strides over and sits, opening her handbag. She takes out a coin and places it on the desk. Then another. And another … continuing with smaller denominations. When she’s done, she closes her handbag, stands, and calmly strides out. Silence.
Harrison That was pretty fucking good, actually.
St Mary’s Crypt.
Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!
Peebles and Taylor.
Peebles Is it ever possible to get a moment’s peace, I wonder.
Taylor Things are changing. Our side … we wanted to get in touch with your side. Formally. But … privately.
Peebles You mean ‘secretly’. (Standing.) Well, Miss Taylor. Where would you like to talk, and what would you like to talk about?
The Chamber.
Speaker The question is, the Leader of the House’s Allocation of Time motion on the Scotland and Wales Bill … Ayes to the right, 283 … Noes to the left … 312. The Noes have it!
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill Silvester and Esher come in laughing, singing ‘You take the high road, and I’ll take the low road’, each performing Highland flings of sorts.
Atkins Well, gentlemen, thanks to the Government’s own failed stab at a Highland fling, ha ha, I, uh, I think we can safely say their flagship Bill is dead in the water. And so –
Cocks (knocks and enters) I thought I’d come over myself, save you the bother.
Atkins Oh Michael, it would have been no bother, but nevertheless, here you are. (Pulling out a document.) And so it is, Mr Cocks, with of course deep regret, that I present – I think we should all be standing for this, Fred, Colonel? – that I present to you a motion of censure … ‘That this House has no confidence in Her Majesty’s Government’. With regret, of course.
Cocks takes it.
Atkins (opening up his diary) Shall we?
Cocks Vote on the Wednesday 23rd, 10 p.m.?
Atkins Yes, that’s what we thought. Great minds, eh?
He offers his hand. Cocks shakes it, and exits into –
The Lobby. Looking at the censure motion, and at his surroundings. Up to the clock.
Harrison (joining Cocks) Scot and Welsh Nats been in touch, with no Devolution Bill timetable they’ll have to vote against us, leaving us around 312 to 320. We’d be out.
Cocks So we have no choice then. Plan B.
Harrison Plan B. Let’s see them stick this up their pipe and smoke it.
Opposition Whips’ Office. Papers everywhere, the Whips scribbling, pacing, totting up.
Esher (entering with a whisky) Quick, get yourself to the Strangers’, it’s a free bar.
Atkins Free bar on the eve of a No Confidence vote? Why, they’d make a killing.
Esher No, it’s the, the, what’s his name, Tweedale. Liberal – hah, right ‘liberal’ with his coins, say that much, put a wodge behind the bar and told us to go guns blazing.
Weatherill (lowers his reports) You what? Why?
Esher Dunno old boy, probably to say sorry for running over, I expect. We’re meant to be in Room D, but some all-party Liberal meeting thing running over. Something. I don’t know.
Atkins Li – . . Liberal Pa – We didn’t know this, why didn’t we know this, what are they meet – On the day of a …
He slams his documents down. Looks at Weatherill
Weatherill … surely not.
Beat. En masse they charge out of the room, except Esher, who slumps down.
Government Whips’ Office. All the Whips there.
Harrison Why hasn’t Peebles phoned yet? Must be close, maybe tied. Sod it, I’m going up.
Taylor Walter, you can’t just storm into a Liberal Party meeting, you’re a Labour Whip!
Harrison Watch me – (Opens the door.)
Atkins (in the doorway) What are you up to?
Harrison Shit – (Slams the door shut, locks it.) They’re on to us.
Atkins (off, behind the door) Don’t be silly, Walter, let me in!
Harrison Ha ha, what you gonna do, huff and puff and blow this house down?
Atkins (entering) No, just use my key.
Cocks / Harrison / Harper Oi!
Harrison Where do you get that key from?
Atkins Never you mind. Cocks? / What are you up to?
Cocks Er, excuse me, who the hell do you think you are, coming in here?
Harrison Piss off, the pair of you – sorry, Ann.
Taylor Get the FUCK OUT of this office, now!
Atkins (flinching back) Alright old girl, steady on.
Cocks (phone rings) Everyone shut it! (Answers.) Hello? Yes … oh. Oh right … aha … (More solemn. Sighs.) Yes, I understand. (Phone down.)
Harrison Well, what is it?
Cocks walks slowly into the room, turning to face his team … before whipping around in an explosion of laughter, pointing in a ‘ner-ner’ way at the Opposition Whips.
Cocks Aaaaaah – HA HA HA HA HA!
Harrison They went for it?!
Cocks A Liberal-Labour pact, my friend! Signed, sealed and fucking delivered! GET SOME IN!
Harrison / Harper YES!
Atkins You can’t do that!
Harrison (running to the board with his chalk) So what’s that, all thirteen?!
Cocks (totting it up with him) All thirteen, that’s a whole baker’s dozen off their tally and a big fat bakers dozen on to our side, that’s a majority of – (Replaces ‘ –7’ with ‘+ 18’.) Eighteen! Ha ha! Our two parties, walking into the lobby together, two by two, by two by two –
Harrison ‘The animals went in two by two, hurrah, hurrah!’
Cocks starts singing along as well, as he and Harrison link arms for a makeshift hoedown, joined by Taylor and Harper who start to sing as well.
Seething, Atkins rolls his eyes and leaves, followed by the others – Weatherill last, who can’t help but smile at their silly celebration.
The Chamber. The Members take up the song, to the tune of ‘When Johnny Came Marching Home Again’, as the clock appears slowly above them.
Members
‘The animals went in two by two,
The elephant and the kangaroo,
And they all went into the ark,
For to get out of the rain.’
The Clock Tower Cocks with Clockmaker.
Cocks And you’re sure it won’t happen again soon?
Clockmaker Oh I wouldn’t think so. These things are built to last, Mr Cocks. Just need a bit of love and attention every now again, know what I mean?! (Shouting down through a hole.) Alright, let her go!
A grinding and squealing of gears before, gradually, the hands of the big clock begin to turn. Cocks stands staring up at them. Beaming …
‘The animals went in three by three,
The wasp, the ant and the bumble bee,
And they all went into the ark,
For to get out of the rain.’
Committee Room 7. Dead of night.
Cocks creeps in, feeling through the darkness to an armchair. He takes off his jacket and leans back. Atkins appears, waking from under a blanket on the sofa, turning on the lamp.
Cocks (hushed) Oh, shit, sorry. Humphrey? Didn’t know you were in here.
Atkins No, that’s alright. (Yawns.) Just having forty winks. Time is it, they still at it?
Cocks Yeah, no thanks to you. I’ll go to Committee Room 10, they have a sofa in there.
Atkins No, honestly, don’t. I’m awake now.
Cock (noticing another Member lying in a chair under a blanket) One of yours?
Atkins No. Liberal?
Cocks No. (Beat.) Shall we call the police?
Atkins (smiles) I’d better get back.
Cocks This could all end, you know. We now sit for more hours in this Parliament than any in the world. Thanks to you.
Atkins Well, you could always throw in the towel. (Sitting closer. Stretching, rubbing his face.) It’s not on, Michael. Being propped up without a majority. Undemocratic; no one voted for it.
Cocks Oh, and trying to kick out the elected Government of the day is democratic.
Atkins Having to compromise with the Liberals all the time? Heavens, you really are the nonconformist minister’s son, aren’t you? (Off his look.) Oh yes, you have a file you know. If you have a past, you have a file.
Cocks I fail to see what my father’s profession has to do with anything –
Atkins Refusal to align with any particular church, plant your flag in any one camp.
Cocks I happen to be quite at peace with it, Humphrey. In fact I rather think we would do better as a House, a system, if we cooperated more together. Maybe it’s the way forward.
Atkins Do you know how many divisions you’ve lost, you and your team, in the ‘glorious age of compromise and cooperation’? Macmillan’s government, they didn’t lose any, neither did Eden’s. Heath’s, I regret to say, lost six. You lot? Thus far?
Cocks Do enlighten me, Humphrey –
Atkins Fifty-six. A record, I might add. Fifty-six failed attempts … to govern.
Cocks …
Atkins One Party governs, and one Party opposes. That’s our system. That’s this building. In Rome, Senators sat in a circle, together; in Italy, and Germany, France, America, they sit in an amphitheatre. All looking the same way. This place is literally built to facilitate oppositional politics. Two sides of the House. Facing off against each other. You know the gap between the Government bench and the Opposition in the Commons was measured to be exactly the width of two swords drawn. Their tips, touching. We’re not built for cooperation.
Cocks God, such a Tory – such an innate, instinctive Tory inability to, to ‘share’. To ‘join in’. Conservative Britain, eh. ‘As long as I’m alright, that’s all that counts’.
Atkins Ah yes, Labour Britain. ‘Yes, it’s shit – but at least it’s equally shit for everyone.’
My God, yes, what about what I fought for, what I literally went to war for, hm? To fight against the attack on liberties by the State, of, of trying to manipulate and recalibrate a country with a heavy hand, regardless of what it means for freedom and the right to choose.
Cocks I’m just saying maybe it’s time for a new kind of politics. A cooperative kind.
Atkins People have said that for centuries, and yet onwards we roll. Britain doesn’t have a constitution, it has traditions. What do you think it’s all for, mm? The pomp, the gentlemen’s agreements? It’s these silly customs and rules that we cling to in a storm. And it’s enough.
Cocks Well, if I recall, nobody gave us a month when we started this little experiment. And yet here we are. Still bobbing up and down on the surface.
Atkins Yes. Well. (Raising his glass.) Here’s to your final breaths.
The Members’ Lobby. Newham North East and Cocks.
Speaker The Member for Newham North East!
Cocks Reg! For God’s sake –
Newham North East No, don’t give me that! I warned you, Michael, my local party, that’s it, I’m out, I’m done.
Cocks Fine, fine, fine, just for Christ’s sake, can you at least become independent, a cross-bencher, you don’t have to go and join the enemy ranks!
Newham North East Everyone needs somewhere to go, Michael.
Cocks I’ve never heard the like! Crossing the floor to become a Tory!
Newham North East I warned you about this, Michael. You’ve lost control. The party’s collapsing in on itself. It’s over …
Newham North East crosses the lobby. Atkins and Weatherill are there, welcoming him into their office.
Atkins Welcome. Let’s get your settled in, shall we?
Government Whips’ Office. Taylor and Harrison, who is holding the baby.
Taylor You’re very good with him.
Harrison Big family. One of ten, me.
Taylor You’re kidding. Explains at lot.
Harper bursts in. He’s breathless; coughing occasionally.
Harper I got him! I got the bastard! Stockport North, my rebel, stick him down on the list for the Broadcasting Bill. Turns out he’s a trainspotter, got him on the Railways Committee, didn’t I, that and a new carpet for his corridor. I bloody got ’im.
Taylor You alright though, Joe? Have a seat, you look –
Cocks (entering) Right! Cabinet’s come to an agreement with the Liberals – we’re having another stab at devolution. The concessions, this time it’s two separate bills, one for Wales, one for Scotland, and the ‘R’ word again – referendum. Ask the people if they want it or not. If they do, the House can’t very well ignore it, can they? Get it in through the back door.
Taylor Actually I think you’ll find that’s the front door.
Harrison Bad feeling about this, Michael, it’s this what nearly booted us out last time –
Cocks Well, sod it, what else are we in politics for if not to do stuff we believe in. I’ve told the PM we’ll get it through. And with the polls turning in our favour …
Taylor (with a newspaper) Wage cap’s gone down surprisingly well. Who knew the British could be so reasonable?
Harrison Yeah, give it till winter.
Taylor, Cocks and Harrison exit, leaving Harper alone. He coughs some more, having a glass of water … and suddenly drops it on the table, leaning forward clutching at his chest. Panting … he sits. Calms. A look of acceptance … He picks up the phone …
Harper Not here … (Dials. Then on the phone.) Mary? … Y – yeah, stick kettle on. I’m coming home …
He puts the phone down and stands. Wagner’s Tannhäuser begins to play from the record player again, as Harper stands as best he can and does up his tie.
Harper No one dies in the palace …
He exits, as the music swells –
The Chamber. The Members stand as they’re called to die …
Speaker The Member for Grimsby … Glasgow Garscadden … Lambeth Central!
Grimsby collapses with a brain haemorrhage … Glasgow Garscadden has a heart attack … Lambeth Central tumbles forward.
Speaker The Member for Hamilton … The Member for Penistone … Manchester Moss Side … Berwick and East Lothian … Liverpool Edge Hill … Derbyshire North East …
Hamilton falls forward, Penistone falls back. Manchester Moss Side has a fit on the floor, Berwick and East Lothian grabs his arm, Liverpool Edge Hill tumbles over, Derbyshire North East is ‘driving’ as lights approach him head on and he flies through the air in a crash … and Pontefract is Joe, watching Terrace scene appear as he fades.
At the board, Harrison replaces the totals with 323 to 309.
The Terrace. A memorial. Black suits and ties. Drinks.
Harrison Warm beer, he would have enjoyed this.
Cocks Twenty-two. Twenty-two dead since we got in. All Labour. Another wonderful record.
Harrison Who could have predicted?
Cocks He did. Walsall North. He saw it.
Harrison Oh, this again. Michael –
Cocks He saw something …
Harrison … Well. (Stubs his fag out.) I didn’t think the coalition would die so quickly.
Cocks Been a year. Couldn’t last for ever.
Harrison (smokes) Oh well. Back to hung again. Feels like a divorce. And they get the kids.
Cocks Yeah, and I should know. (Smokes. Looks.) Oh don’t make out you didn’t know.
Harrison Still. I’m … sorry, that, it must be … hard going.
Cocks Make a little note in my file, did you, when you heard the rumours? Oh, don’t look so bloody awkward. I’ve written plenty in yours over the years.
Harrison What, ‘Too bloody handsome for his own good’?
Cocks Oh yes, ‘Has dangerous delusion of grandeur. And is an awkward bloody bastard’.
Laughs. Stops. Takes a deep breath. Holds his hand to his mouth. Struggling …
Beat. beat. Harrison puts a hand under his arm.
Harrison … Pub?
Cocks Oh fff – (Looks around, suddenly aware.) … Ffolkestone South, yes.
The Westminster Clock looms large, hands turning. Sound snippets of new footage from the Winter of 1978–79: the Lib-Lab pact draws to its end, the coldest winter in memory, strikes due to wage restraints. Scotland and Wales go to the polls on devolution …
Members’ Lobby. Atkins, Weatherill and Silvester pacing into the centre to face Cocks, Harrison and Taylor
Atkins Here we are then. Following yet another failure on Devolution, we shall present our motion of censure, No Confidence in your Government, blah, blah, blah, you get the point. Next Wednesday for the vote?
Cocks The 28th? Fine.
Atkins Fine. Such a shame the snow kept voters at home on the referendum. Still. That’s the British weather. Never changes.
They turn and separate at speed.
Atkins Right, this is the big one chaps! We’ve got them on the ropes! One final push!
The Commons Chamber. An explosion of action as the Members leave the banks of seats in pandemonium, grabbing each other, snippets of questions above the din – ‘Which way are you going?’ – ‘Do you think the government will fall?’ – fading under news sound bites – ‘Only or one or two votes in it’ – ‘Bookmakers shortening their odds?’ – ‘Will a general election be called?’ – as the Westminster clock face appears, the hands turning at a frantic speed.
Government Whips’ Office.
Harrison gets a phone call from Lady Batley, away in her own space.
Lady Batley Walter? It’s Lady Broughton.
Harrison Lad – Is it the Doc, is he OK?
Lady Batley Look, we know this one’s going to be tight, one or two in it, and I’m … I’m worried you’re going to ask him because if you ask him, he’ll come, and if he comes … I’m worried he won’t make it. Walter.
Harrison …
Lady Batley I know how important it is, I do. It’s been his life. Our bloody life. But … please. Maybe this time. Maybe don’t ask him. This time. Please, Walter. I’ve got to go –
She hangs up. As does Harrison, as Cocks and Taylor enter at pace. On the board: ‘–16’
Harrison Right! Battle stations, Chief, let’s get cracking.
Cocks So. (Looking at the numbers.) Can we do this? Can we win it?
Harrison Not with just our lot, we’ll need the odds and sods, as many as we can. Let’s show the bastards, five full years, right?!
Taylor Yes! Come on! Nearly there!
Cocks Right! One for all and all for one! … Sorry, that was shit.
Harrison OK, let’s hit that rainbow. I’ll start with the leprechauns.
Speaker Members for Belfast West, Belfast North, Armagh and Fermanagh!
The Strangers’ Bar with Harrison.
Armagh We’ve already said we’ll abstain.
Harrison No, we need you to actually bloody well turn up and walk into the ‘no’ lobby with us.
Fermanagh No? I thought yous were ‘aye’?
Harrison Blinking Nora! Please don’t get the lobbies mixed up! This is an Opposition motion, so we want you voting No, saying that you have Confidence in us, right?
Armagh Look, we’d like to keep you fellas in, but we’re gonna need something to take back to our constituents and say, look, this is what we got, ain’t it grand? Like the pipeline –
Belfast North Aw, the pipeline would be smashing; that’s been on the cards for years.
Harrison I’ll see what I can do, right? And I know my man Belfast West will be walking through the right lobby, never put a foot wrong all these years, eh, Gerry?
Belfast West Well you know, it, it, it … (Pause.) It’s tricky, isn’t it? Voting on little things and tiny what-have-yous, it’s different, isn’t it? But … but voting to actually keep the British government in power that’s … that’d be a little harder to sell back home. You … you know?
Harrison Don’t pull my pisser, you. I know you won’t let us down at the last hurdle. Bar keep!
Speaker The Member for Roxburgh, Selkirk and Peebles!
Taylor with Peebles.
Peebles You’ll have perhaps two Liberals. Maybe three. The rest need to be seen to stand up to you, to keep their seats. They won’t budge.
Speaker The Member for Western Isles!
Weatherill and Atkins with the Member for Western Isles.
Atkins Come on now, that’s twice Labour have failed Scotland. It’s time to join with us!
Western Isles Look. We’ll walk in with you if only to save our own seats. Nothing more.
The Clock hands turn rapidly under news snippets. ‘Will today be the first time in over half a century a government falls at the hand of Parliament, rather than the people … ?’
Opposition Whips’ Office. Atkins, Weatherill, Silvester and Esher.
Atkins OK, the drill, every single one of our members are coming here to register and are not permitted to leave the building after six o’clock under any circumstances. Jack?
Weatherill (at the board) We’ve got the Scots, are working on the Welsh. Irish are unpredictable and there’s no news on Batley yet.
Atkins Fred, I want someone from a local association at Leeds train station immediately, if he sees Batley getting on a train down here I want to be the first to know.
Speaker The Member for Batley!
Harrison gets a phone call from Batley, away in his own space.
Batley Walter? It’s the Doc.
Harrison Doc! How are you?
Batley Yeah, shh, the wife she doesn’t … (Intake of air.) doesn’t know I’m … Look, how we doing, numbers wise? Do you need me down? I’ve got me bags packed, but, Walter, there’s, there’s newspapers outside, they’re all … (Intake of air.) … they’re all watching.
Harrison Doc, you … (Beat.) You don’t sound too good, mate –
Batley Never mind that, right? Just say the word … and I’m there …
Harrison puts the phone down. Steps into –
Government Whips’ Office: Harrison, Cocks and Taylor. Activity.
Cocks (clapping) Alright, today’s the day, get with it! I want Alf Bates stationed in Members’ Lobby, Jock Stallard in the Strangers!
Harrison Chief, Belfast West is wobbling, might need to dig deep to get him through.
Cocks Dig deep, / what do you mean? –
Harrison I reckon we can get the Welsh with this mining compensation and the rest of the Irish with the price commission, / just so long as –
Cocks Hell’s teeth, Walter, we can’t be cutting our nose off to spite our face. For starters, how’s about we just make sure all our lot are in, eh? What about the Doc?
Harrison It don’t matter about the Doc, we won’t need him if we get the odds and sods.
Cocks Walter –
Harrison Just get Belfast West, will you? And we’ll be fine.
Speaker The Members for Armagh and for Belfast North!
Guy Fawkes Cellar, Taylor and Harrison set up a table for Armagh and Belfast North.
Armagh The Guy Fawkes cellars? Ha. Isn’t that ironic? Centuries ago, they plotted here to bring the government down, and now here we are, plotting to prop you up.
Harrison Ann will go through the agreement on prices with you, you just have to sign and date and then we’re good to go, alright?
Speaker Member for Fermanagh!
Cleaner’s cupboard. Light bulb and a stool. Harrison jostles Fermanagh in.
Harrison There! Now no more wandering off! I’ll be back soon.
He hands him a bottle of whisky and closes the door.
Around the Palace, all whips in full flow, bumping into various members.
Speaker The Member for Welwyn and Hatfield!
Harrison Good to see you, Helene, alright for tonight?
Welwyn and Hatfield Front of the queue, don’t worry.
Speaker The Member for Chelmsford!
Atkins Norman –
Chelmsford Ah, Chief, just off to Sheekey’s, bite to eat.
Atkins No, not tonight! No one leaves the Palace grounds, eat here.
Chelmsford Eat here?
Atkins Norman!
Chelmsford sighs.
Speaker Armagh and Belfast North!
Guy Fawkes Cellar. Harrison running back in.
Armagh (holding the paper up) Oh look, it’s green. We’ve signed it in green ink, can’t have that, an historic, what-d’yerma-call-it. No, people’ll laugh at us, we have to write it out again.
Harrison (handing them a pen from his pocket) Oh, for God’s sake, quickly!
Speaker Belfast West!
The Westminster Clock Room. Cocks and Belfast West.
Belfast West Well. Would you look at that. I didn’t even know you could stand behind it.
Cocks I’ve, uh … never brought anyone up here. Before. It’s sort of … my place … But, erm … look, Gerry. I won’t try and, and bloody … hoodwink you or swindle you, I’ll just ask you. Will you walk into the lobby with me tonight?
Belfast West (beat; looks at the clock) You know what that feels like to me? It’s like an all-seeing eye. Looking out, across the four corners of the Kingdom. Watching. Well, a lot’s changed, Michael. I can’t ever forget this is an imperial parliament. And that just won’t do any more. I’m sorry, Michael. I truly am.
Speaker Fermanagh!
Harrison runs from here to the cupboard, opens the door, light on, takes an empty bottle from Fermanagh and replaces it with a full one, exiting, closing the door.
Government Whips’ Office. Cocks wipes out the score replacing the totals: ‘0’.
Cocks So, if we’re right, and who bloody knows, eh? Then we’re about tied, 311 to 311. That’s without the Doc.
Taylor Well. Let’s give him a call then, there’s still time.
Harrison Whoa, whoa, wait, we just need to dig bloody deeper, don’t we, win a few more of the odds –
Cocks No, no, it’s too much, no more offers, no more deals.
Harrison ‘No more – ’? It’s what we do, Chief. Oi, I’m breaking my back out there! The most important thing is stopping them getting in. Because they will, Michael, we go to the polls now and she will. And I don’t want to live in her country, right? Don’t be the man who could’ve stopped that but didn’t.
Taylor I don’t understand, we’re one man down, and the Doc wants to come.
Harrison Ann, it’ll kill him!
Taylor He’s an old whip himself, he knows the game! What time is it? I’ll drive up, myself, sod it. It’ll be fine, we’ll look after him, I can get there and back in time. / Just let me, please.
Harrison No, Ann! Michael?! I’m not having it, right?!
Taylor Michael?!
Harrison We said there’d have to be a line somewhere and this is it! This is the line.
Taylor After four and a half years, to get this far and it all be for nothing? This one last thing and we’ve made it, Michael …
Cocks (beat) No. No. Not like this.
Pause. It sinks in to the room.
Taylor Well. I’d better go see if I can twist a few more Liberal arms, hadn’t I?
Cocks Don’t try too hard, they’re flimsy and break easily.
Harrison Hold on … (A thought.) Hold on a bloody minute –
He runs out, into –
Opposition Whips’s Office. Weatherill is putting on his new jacket in what is another brand new suit. Smoothing it down. Resplendent in his ‘victory attire’. Harrison enters and closes the door.
Harrison I need a pair.
Weatherill (pause; then he laughs) You’re not serious.
Harrison Batley and Morley, he can’t come, and it’s an honourable tradition that you pair someone off.
Weatherill I don’t have anyone to pair him with. Everyone, of course, is here. Of course.
Harrison Then just pick one. And take them out. I’m demanding it.
Weatherill Oh? Oh. You’re demanding it. Oh sorry, well I better had then, hadn’t I? I can’t do it, Walter, for heaven’s sake. Imagine what the Lady would do to the person who didn’t walk in tonight? Career over, that’d be it. Now how do you suggest I pick that person, hmm?
Harrison I don’t care how, I’ve got the Doc at death’s door and I’m not, not going to ask him to come down. What, you want me to ask him to come, is that it?!
Weatherill … That isn’t fair.
Harrison Well, what the bloody hell is?! Eh?! I’m asking you, as honourable man –
Weatherill I can’t quite believe you’re / putting me in this –
Harrison – to honour the system, and to take someone out!
Long pause. Weatherill smooths down his jacket. Looks down at it, for a second.
Weatherill Alright. You’ll get your pair.
Harrison Who?
Weatherill What does it matter?
Harrison No, come on, I want this in writing; who?
Weatherill … Me. I’ll do it. I’ll step out.
Harrison …You? You’d … Oh, don’t try and pull that with me, Jack, right? Cause it won’t work –
Weatherill I’m not trying to pull anything, Walter, you’ve a right to ask for a pair and you did; and I’m giving you one. There.
Harrison (long beat) Oh, bloody hell … It’s all I ever wanted. You know. Other folk what came in with me. All talking about Cabinet posts, and … and the ‘top job’. This is all I ever wanted. To be in the engine room. And I have … bloody loved it … Do you know, I think it’d all work fine, this thing. British democracy. If it weren’t so damn reliant on people. People who get ill. Get sick. People who change their mind, who forget who they are, what they want. People who fall in love, with the wrong … people …
Pause.
This conversation, it never happened, right?
Weatherill Sorry?
Harrison Forget it, no pairing. I didn’t ask.
Weatherill I’m offering myself here, you’re going to turn this down? –
Harrison Yeah. I am. And if you ever bloody tell anyone, I will hunt you down like a dog, understand? We keep this between ourselves until one of us pops our clogs. I have a reputation you know.
Weatherill (smiles; offers his hand) Alright. (Shakes.) I plan to long outlive you, anyway.
Harrison Bollocks.
Weatherill Fifty quid?
Big Ben chimes.
Speaker The Question is … that this House has No Confidence in Her Majesty’s Government. Lock the doors!
The Members pile off the benches, and vote.
Speaker Ayes to the right … 311. Noes to the left … 300 … and 10! (Above the din.) The Ayes have it! The Ayes have it! Motion carried! That this House has No Confidence in Her Majesty’s Government!
Opposition Whips’ Office: Atkins, Silvester, Mather and other Tory Members dance around, cheering, popping champagne. Weatherill breaks away, ever so slightly conflicted.
Government Whips’ Office: Cocks, Taylor and Harrison, standing in their own spots. Silence.
Cocks I … I can’t think what to, er –
Taylor It’s alright, Chief.
Cocks Just. Can’t believe that’s it. Over.
Harrison Well. It might not be, eh? Might end up back here, / live to fight a –
Cocks Oh, don’t bloody well, bloody ‘manage’ me, Walter, I’m not one of your sheep. We’re not coming back, that’s it. We lost, I lost, I’m … sorry,
Harrison Oi, don’t you dare. Ann, you an’ all, chin up.
Taylor …
Harrison Right, you pair! Here, now. That’s a three- line whip, that is, no arguing. Here.
He pulls them together, arms around them.
Four and a half years. They only gave us four bloody weeks. Eh?
Pulling away.
Right, what time is it? I’ve, er. Got to go for a little drive.
Lady Batley. Leading Harrison over to Batley in his chair. Asleep. Mask on.
Lady Batley You shouldn’t have driven all this way, you look like death warmed up.
Harrison I know, it’s just. I want it coming from me.
Lady Batley (carefully waking Batley) Alfred … Alf … you’ve got a visitor …
Batley (turns; sees her, then him … through his mask weakly) Did we … win?
Harrison … No, mate. I’m sorry.
Lady Batley Get to retire now, though, Alf. So that’s good, eh?
Batley … By … how many?
Harrison Doesn’t matter by how many, does it?
Batley … How … many …
Harrison (beat; kneels down, takes his hand) By one, Doc. Lost by one …
Oi, nowt could’ve been done. Right? No bugger’s fault. Nowt to be done …
Batley, through his mask, starts to sob. Harrison leans in.
Members’ Lobby. Atkins wandering through, Cocks entering too, meeting a Clerk who begins stripping him of his black case, keys.
Atkins No hard feelings, I hope. Michael. You know. It really was an extraordinary achievement. Staying that long. Despite everything.
Abingdon enters.
Abingdon Well done, Chief. Off to win Abingdon again. Let’s bring this one home, eh? (Exits.)
Atkins Good luck, Airey, see you in four weeks.
Cocks Well, assuming the electorate pick your lot, quite honestly you’re welcome to it.
Following in the wake of where Abingdon exited – the sound of an explosion, a blinding flash of light, casting Cocks and Atkins as silhouettes against it …
Against the clock face – a soundscape of emergency services, and news snippets featuring Airey Neave’s assassination. ‘The Member for Abingdon’ – ‘An IRA bomb planted in his car’ – ‘The first time an attack has infiltrated the boundary of the Houses of Parliament’ –merging into announcements from the 1979 election, and Margaret Thatcher seizing power.
Government Whips’ Office. Atkins replaces the painting in the office from the opening. He exits, leaving Weatherill with Harrison, who is packing his boxes to leave. Weatherill moving in.
Harrison Majority of 43? Well done, Jack. That should see you well. Get stuff done, eh?
Weatherill Yes. Well. Shame in a way. I’ll miss the excitement.
Harrison Well, you know what you’re doing, you’ll be fine.
Weatherill Well, I learnt from the best. (Then feels awkward.) Anyway. I was sorry to hear about the uh, the Doc. Was it his lungs that went in the end?
Harrison No, actually, it was his heart. So. (Handing him some money.) Here. Fifty quid.
Weatherill No, don’t be silly Walter, honestly it –
Harrison Oh, don’t talk so soft. I’d be taking it from you if it were other way round, believe me.
Weatherill (beat; takes it) Thank you. (Another beat. Holds it up.) Drink?
Harrison Oh, bloody hell, yeah.
Weatherill Michael not around?
Harrison No. No, we all need somewhere to go …
Exits, closing the door behind him
The Westminster Clock Tower: the face of the clock looming large and high. Hands turning…
Cocks stands, with his back to us, staring out through the glass.
Blackout