Present Day
“Where to, miss?” the cab driver asks as I shut the door after entering his car. I blink rapidly to try to clear the fog of tiredness that is clouding my brain. I just got off the red eye flight from a business trip to Los Angeles and I’m so happy to be back home in my beloved city of Chicago. I glance at my watch to see it’s seven in the morning. I should try to get some sleep before working on my report about the trip. Instead I give the cab driver Jenna’s address, deciding to spend the morning with my two favorite people. Jenna has been by herself with Avery while her boyfriend and father of her child, Hollywood actor Cal Harrington, has been shooting his latest movie in Thailand. I’ve been trying to stay with her as much as I can, being a good best friend and godmother by helping out during a trying time in her new relationship. But if I’m being honest with myself, the real reason is because I don’t want to be alone.
The first few years after my husband’s death, I relished in being alone. I didn’t have to pretend to be okay. I didn’t have to smile when I didn’t feel like smiling. I could be free to wallow in my self-pity and anger toward his death. I didn’t want to see anyone and the only person I allowed in on a constant basis was Jenna. Not that I had a choice in the matter. She bulldozed her way into my life every single day after Charlie died. If she didn’t see me in person, then she was constantly texting or calling. If I didn’t answer her back in a timely manner, she was on my door step, especially after I deliberately overdosed on pills a couple of months after his passing. I believed my life had no meaning to it anymore, and therefore, no sense in living if he wasn’t going to be in it with me. So in my drunken state, I swallowed as many Xanax as I could, chasing them down with a bottle of vodka. When I woke up the next day in the hospital, Jenna’s face was the first to come into focus. She was sitting next to the bed, her thumb softly rubbing the skin on top of my hand that didn’t have an IV in it. Her eyes were bloodshot and wild looking — a combination of sorrow and despair raging in them. That look still haunts me, but it was her first words to me that are on constant repeat when my thoughts turn dark:
“Don’t you ever think of leaving me again!”
I shake my head to clear the shame and guilt from the memories of that day and try to focus my thoughts on my current situation — how I hate the loneliness I feel when I’m in my apartment and the disgust for my job. I work for a premium spirits and wine company in the sponsorship department. I started out as a brand manager, supplying local customers with our liquors for their establishments. Charlie and I were a very social couple, so it was fun to have him and our friends meet up at one of my client’s bars for drinks after work. But after Charlie died, I needed a distraction. I applied for a position in the sponsorship department, knowing that the new job required heavy traveling to land big accounts and set up VIP parties around the country using our alcohol. It was exactly what I needed — or so I thought. I needed to get away from my apartment where the memories of Charlie were everywhere. I needed to get away from the city and especially away from the pity still deeply rooted in people’s eyes. Everyone thought I was moving on with my life when they heard I got the promotion. What they weren’t witnessing was my self-destructing behavior. How I created an online dating account so while I was away in other cities for work, I could pretend to be someone I wasn’t. How I used alcohol and strange men to take me away from my reality.
I’ve been trying really hard to keep the promises that I made to Charlie at his gravesite during my last visit. The first couple of weeks were rough, with my body going through detox as I banished alcohol and started seeing a grief counselor. I decided to take time off of work and spent it with Jenna, Avery and Robert, Jenna’s assistant and our good friend. They distract me from my darkness. They make me feel safe. Most importantly, they make me feel happy and loved. When I’m with them, I feel like myself. But I know I can’t keep relying on them to make myself feel happy and whole again. I need to be able to do it all on my own. I need to be strong enough to fight my own demons. Unfortunately, my job places me in unhealthy environments that feed those demons. This trip to Los Angeles was my first work trip in a while, so I strategically made sure to schedule client satisfactory meetings during the daytime, but there were two sponsored parties I couldn’t ignore. For once in a very long time, I didn’t want to go nor be involved in any work events. The first party I stayed at for two hours and immediately left when I felt myself wanting to drink more than one drink. The second party was more of an eye opening experience, as it seems I’ve created a reputation for myself when the very married and unattractive manager of the venue reminded me that the last time I was there, I gave him a blow job in the men’s bathroom.
And he wanted a repeat performance.
Filled with shame and guilt, I immediately left and went straight to my hotel room where I proceeded to throw up from the realization that I’d been involved with a married man. After I composed myself, I updated my resume and started my search for a new career. The next day I woke up actually feeling good about myself and my future, a feeling I haven’t had since Charlie’s death. I was proud of myself for staying sober in those types of environments and not reverting to my old ways. I’m excited to tell Jenna and Robert, as I know they will be relieved to hear that I was strong enough to take care of myself. They were worried about how I was going to handle myself on this trip.
As the beautiful Chicago skyline comes into view, I realize that I forgot to text Jenna that I was on my way. I pull out my phone to send her a message.
Me: Hey Hooch, not only have I already landed, but I’m ten minutes away from your doorstep. Surprise! So here’s your warning that breakfast better be ready for me, little lady!
Jenna: (middle finger emoji)
I can’t help the snort that escapes with my laughter as I can picture her rolling her eyes and flipping me the bird.
And for once in a very long time, I’m excited to be back home.