We woke up the next morning with splitting headaches and memories of going to a bar after dinner. Lara and Emma were sitting in my bed drinking tea and nursing hangovers.
I was looking at my text conversation with Nick from last night, cringing more with every one I read. “I just get more and more incoherent. I can’t spell for shit. I have no idea why he kept replying. Maybe it’s an NZ thing.”
“Maybe he finds it endearing?” suggested Emma.
Lara snorted. I rolled my eyes at her. “Thanks, Lar. But you’re probably right. If anything he was probably just amused at how embarrassingly drunk I was. Oh shit,” I cried suddenly. I had an email on my phone telling me that my fifty-pound spend on orgasm classes was confirmed and it was starting in two hours.
“We’re such idiots,” moaned Lara, reading the email over my shoulder. “Why would we book an early orgasm class on a bloody Sunday?”
“With twenty-five pounds I seriously don’t have, especially after dinner and the drinks we had in that bar.”
“Sorry about that, guys,” said Emma. “I probably shouldn’t have dragged us there and used Sergio as a guilt ploy. But, in my defense, I did get those two rounds of cocktails for free when I flirted with the barman.”
I dropped my head into my hands. “My mum is going to seriously kill me if she finds out I’ve been spending my moussaka money on alcohol and orgasm classes. That goes against, like, everything she believes in.”
“Ah, she won’t find out,” said Emma. “Besides, it was so worth it. I haven’t laughed so much in ages. It was good to have an actual girls’ night out without one of us going home with someone.”
“Definitely,” agreed Lara. “Anyway, El, I reckon we should shower if we want to get our twenty-five pounds’ worth of this class. I think our e-tickets say it starts at twelve p.m.”
I sighed loudly and climbed out of my bed. “Fine. This had better be worth it. I expect to start orgasming the second I walk out. Hell, I want to be orgasming during this class.”
Emma started laughing. “I would have paid money just to see that.”
Lara looked queasy. “Just . . . go and shower, Ellie.”
“Yeah, go and shower and maybe start your orgasm practice there?” suggested Emma.
I threw a pillow at her on my way out of the door.
• • •
“Hi, girls, come in,” called the woman at the door of the sex shop. Lara and I nervously followed her into the hot pink room. I had a flashback of buying my first bullet vibrator here six months ago. I still hadn’t progressed on to another vibrator, but I was definitely keen to—especially after seeing Nick’s collection.
“Have a glass of wine,” she said, handing us some sparkly Cava. We took one each gratefully and sat down on a pair of empty chairs. The rest were filled up with other women chatting among themselves. Everyone looked normal. I felt my shoulders relax and I began to look around the shop. There was a twenty-inch dildo right in front of me.
“How do people fit these things inside of them?” I whispered to Lara.
“They don’t. They’re big massaging vibrators that you can put on the external bits of your body.”
“Oh, right. How do you know?”
“Ellie, that physically could not fit into a woman’s vagina. Or a man’s bum hole,” she added.
“I guess. But why would you want that instead of an actual massaging tool? Anyway what’s the time? I guess it’s starting soon.”
On cue, a dark-haired woman in a kaftan sat down on a chair in the middle of the room. “Welcome, everyone,” she said. “Thank you so much for coming here today. My name’s Veronica. Don’t be nervous if you’re a first-timer. This is a safe, open space and you’re welcome to say whatever you want.”
I glanced nervously at Lara. There were some things I didn’t even want Lara to hear. She really didn’t need to know about my recurring thrush.
“So, orgasms,” continued Veronica. “We are all capable of having them, but every single person is different. You watch the movies and see women orgasming left, right and center. But that isn’t real life.”
I stopped myself from crying out in agreement by nodding vigorously.
“What is real is women who find it difficult to orgasm. Women who only manage to orgasm in certain positions, places, or with certain people or even just alone. So, I’m going to help you understand your body today and give you some pointers that will hopefully get you to that special place.”
I grinned eagerly and looked at Lara. “Isn’t this amazing?”
“Um, it’s barely started. But yeah, it’s interesting.”
“Right,” said Veronica. “First things first—how to get there. You all need to practice alone. Masturbating alone is the key to getting an orgasm with your partner, or whoever you’re sleeping with. It’s like anything else in life: you need to put in the groundwork to get the results. The best way to do it is either with fingers, or some of these vibrators that I’m going to pass around now. For most women, the easiest way to orgasm is through the C-spot, which, as most of you will have discovered, is the clitoris.
“But another spot is the U-spot, which is just underneath, around the urethra. All that area is sensitive and erogenous so even though you will probably only climax through the nerve endings in the clitoris, you can get those good feelings from rubbing around that general area.”
She pulled out a model vagina and began stroking the bits around the clitoris. I stared in fascination. This was so true. I had definitely felt aroused after wiping my urethra rigorously post-pee.
“But the other area is that elusive G-spot,” she said. I jerked up in my seat. Were we going to learn the ultimate secret? “It is just behind the front wall of the vagina and if you put your fingers up there you can feel it—but only when you’re aroused. It feels like a small walnut when you’re aroused and the more it gets rubbed, normally via penetration, the better it feels. Finally, we have the last spot.”
I looked up in surprise. I had no idea there were so many spots. “The A-spot.” Whoah—was she going to talk about bum sex?
“The A-spot is at the very inner end of the vaginal tube between the cervix and the bladder,” said Veronica. She picked up a long, thin dildo. “The best way to reach this is by depth. You need the penis, or dildo, to go right into the vagina to hit this sensitive tissue. So, that’s it—the four main erogenous zones. Technically, you can all orgasm from these, but we must remember that everyone is different. Two-thirds of women have only ever orgasmed from their clitoris so please don’t feel disheartened if you can’t climax from other places. It takes practice. And now for the tips.”
The rest of the class passed in a perfect haze. At one point, I lost all shame and pulled out my iPhone so I could take notes. I learned that in order to achieve an orgasm I must:
1) Breathe deeply. Normally, I held my breath in just before an orgasm but Veronica said the best thing to do was take long, deep inhalations and exhalations throughout.
2) Practice everything at home. I needed to buy a couple of different vibrators to try them out and explore where my G-spot and A-spot were.
3) Try different positions. This was slightly more problematic as Nick and I didn’t have any specific plans to meet up and I needed someone to try this out on.
4) Block off my thoughts. Veronica said when my mind starts trying to panic or go over unsexy things, I should tell it to shut the fuck up.
5) Try to feel the actual pleasure. I needed to focus on the actual physical feelings from sex and not the commentary going on in my mind.
6) Have a fantasy or image in your head. Emma was right. I needed to work on my fantasies and learn to focus on them when my brain started trying to think about the aesthetics of my vagina.
I went up to Veronica at the end of the class to thank her for her wisdom. Lara was too preoccupied rubbing large vibrators on her arms. “They feel so good. It’s like a free massage,” she said. I was more keen to put them inside me.
“Veronica, hi, I’m Ellie,” I said.
“Hi, did you enjoy the class?”
“Oh my God, it was amazing. I felt so bad because I’ve only ever come from clitoral stimulation on my own and I can’t orgasm with a guy, but now after hearing all your tips, I can’t wait to try.”
She smiled. “Hey, I’m just glad I could help. I reckon you’ll get there in the end. But try not to worry about it. The more you think about it, the harder it will be. Women are so different from men when it comes to climaxing—we’re so much more complicated.”
“I know, I wish we could come in three minutes flat like some of the guys I know.”
She laughed and I glowed with pleasure. I was having sex banter with an orgasm teacher in a sex shop. Could my life be any cooler?
“You should buy some vibrators before you leave,” said Veronica. “We have a twenty percent discount today for you guys. I’d recommend one of our new flexible ones. They’re perfect for getting into those tricky areas. Good luck.”
She left me staring at an array of vibrators. I reached out to touch them. There was a brand-new range and they felt soft. I picked up a bright purple one. It didn’t look too threatening and now that I knew how to use it, I desperately wanted it.
I grabbed one simple vibrating dildo with different speed settings, one new bullet and a tub of plain non-scented, non-heat lube for sensitive vaginas. I walked over to the counter to pay for my purchases. I could hardly believe that I had been exactly here about six months ago, nervously buying a tiny bullet. Back then, with my unbroken hymen, I had been scared to put these objects in me. I hadn’t really wanted to lose my V-plates to a lump of plastic. Now, I couldn’t wait to shove it inside of me.
“Whoah, are you buying all of that?” asked Lara.
“There’s a twenty percent discount and I’ve never climaxed in front of a guy. I’m as desperate as they get and, if this is going to help me, I’m ready to pay.”
“Fair enough,” she said. “I’m pretty tempted by one of those massaging ones, but I can’t think of a guy who would massage me with it. I’m starting to realize the depressing side of being totally single.”
“Why don’t you just buy a normal dildo? That’ll cheer you up.”
“Yeah, I could do that.” She shrugged. “But I don’t know if I feel ready for it. It feels like I’m consigning myself to the single life by going out to buy myself a vibrator.”
“You’re telling that to the wrong girl, Lara. I bought myself my first vibrator before I’d even broken my hymen. Look how well it has served me.”
“Erm, didn’t you tell me you tried to put the bullet up your vagina and you panicked it was stuck in there?”
“For like two seconds. Anyway, I just bought a new one that is attached to a remote control via a wire, so if I feel a desire to stick it inside me, I know it won’t get lost up there.”
“Um, congratulations?”
“Thank you. Now I am going to take my purchases and go home immediately to try and locate my multiple alphabet spots.”
“Is that a polite way of telling me to go home?” she asked.
“Something like that. Oh hang on, my phone’s ringing. Shit, it’s Nick! I didn’t know he was going to call.”
“Answer it, you idiot.”
“Hi, Nick, how’s it going?” I said, walking out of the shop.
“Good, thanks. How’s your, uh . . .”
“Vagina?”
He laughed. “Exactly.”
“Much better, thanks. How’s yours?”
“Ah you know, very vagina-like. So uh, what are you up to?”
“Um . . . just watching TV.”
“Cool. I was going to ask if you fancied going for a drink? I know it’s kind of spontaneous and all, but I thought we could go to the Shard. Obviously, if you’re busy it’s—”
“No! I’d love to,” I cried, all thoughts of masturbating solo flying out of my head. “You’ll have to excuse the fact that I look like shit though.”
“Ooh . . . you’re not dressed to the nines? I think I might have to cancel.”
“Ha ha. Wait, you are kidding?”
“Yeah of course. Shall I meet you at London Bridge?”
“Cool. I’ll be, like, forty-five?”
“Perfect. See you then.”
Lara walked out of the shop. “You ready to go home and play with your toys then?”
“Change of plan. I’m going for a drink with Nick. My babies will have to wait till later.”
She raised her eyebrows. “So you can ditch an orgasm for Nick and not me? I see how this is going.”
“I love you loads?”
“Damn straight. Come on, let’s get out of here. The shop assistant keeps trying to make me buy leopard-print handcuffs.”